A/N: A short epilogue for some closure - enjoy!
In less than seven minutes and thirty-six seconds, everyone in Hogwarts had heard of Neville’s valiant defeat of Goyle. At first the details of the story stayed true, but after a while many of the facts began to get distorted. Some of the more interesting variations of the story included a tap dancing pineapple, twelve kneazles and an overripe banana, Neville turning into a walrus, and two pounds of grapes being squished into Goyle’s shoes. However, Neville didn’t mind people making up their own versions of his story. He was infamous, and was enjoying it quite a bit, regardless of what people thought.
All of the Gryffindors considered him to be somewhat of a hero, in a strange sort of way. In honor of Neville and his bravery they decided to throw a party in his honor that night in the Gryffindor common room. Several students snuck food from the kitchens so that there was enough to last them throughout the night. Also, Dean Thomas created a magnificent banner with an illustration of Neville dancing around Goyle on it. The entire house joined in on the celebration, throwing compliments at him left and right. It was a night to remember.
“How’d you manage to get your stuff back without Goyle killing you?” Harry inquired, patting Neville on the back.
“I had a little help,” he replied with a grin. “But I kind-of just…confused him. He’s not too bright, it didn’t take much to completely mix him up.”
“I’m proud of you mate,” Ron told him, taking a rather large bite out of a rather large cookie. “Yoo a rewwar hewoo.”
“What?”
Ron swallowed his bite. “You’re a regular hero.”
“I feel more confident now,” Neville stated, standing up straighter. “I mean, I feel like I’m not going to let anyone push me around anymore!”
“What about Snape?” Harry asked with a grin.
Neville paused. “Well there are some exceptions.”
“You know,” Harry thought aloud, “I saw Goyle walking through the halls earlier today, after you took care of him him. He looked really…I dunno…he looked as if his brain had been fried.”
“Fried?” Ron repeated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“He was rubbing his head and muttering to himself,” Harry went on, laughing a bit at the memory. “I only caught the words ‘Reykjavik,’ ‘Aunt Bernice,’ and ‘howler’.”
Neville grinned. “Ah yes, the joys of pointless evil.”
Harry and Ron exchanged looks.
“Is there something you want to tell us?” Ron asked jokingly.
“I’ll let you use your imaginations,” Neville replied. “Right now, I think I’m going to get myself a cookie.”
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room…
Malfoy was infuriated. Only a few minutes earlier, he had heard from a scrawny second year girl that Neville Longbottom had taken down Goyle, his bodyguard. This was not good. One of his best cronies had just lost his credibility, and quite frankly, Malfoy wasn’t sure what he was going to do about this. He didn’t want to go through the hassle of hiring another crony; this would take weeks of interviews and hours of reading résumés. Snarling, he stormed across the room to confront Goyle.
“Oy!” Malfoy bellowed. “What’s this I hear about you and Neville?”
Goyle looked up and moaned. “My head still hurts,” he whined, massaging his forehead.
“I can’t believe you let this happen!” Malfoy went on, making sure his disgust was evident in his voice. “I’m even considering replacing you!”
“Replace…what? No! Where would I go?”
Malfoy crossed his arms and sneered. “Oh yes. I mean, I can’t have a crony who allowed a kid like Longbottom to beat him up and then fill his shoes with pudding! You’ve lost your credibility!”
For a moment, Goyle stared blankly into space. “Wait…he didn’t beat me up,” he muttered to himself. Apparently, he hadn’t caught wind of the new rumors that had begun to spread throughout the school. “And I don’t remember pudding…or maybe he did…I’m even more confused than I thought…”
And with that, he went off to bed.
About the Author
Felix Asher Phineas Knowles is an aspiring evil villain living in the United States. His hobbies include evil villainy, baking cookies, interpretive dance and musical theater, bothering people with his flamboyant mannerisms, and messing around with expensive science equipment. This is the first handbook he has published and currently (while he is not plotting ways to manipulate people and conquer the world), he is working on his next project titled I’m telling Mom! The younger sibling’s handbook. Most of the work that went into making this book was done by a certain Delia McGallagher, but in the style of a true evil villain, Knowles has taken the credit for her work and passed it off as his own.
The concept of Evil Villainy for Dummies was thought up in the fall of 2004 while Knowles was performing certain nefarious acts. As he tormented his semi-innocent victims he thought to himself, some people might not know how to do this. How could I possibly help them? Afraid that evil was becoming a lost art, Knowles decided that a handbook should be published to make the world of evil clear to everyone. Not long after, he published Evil Villainy which explains the all the rules and techniques of evilness in a way that people of all backgrounds can understand. The book immediately began to receive praise from critics and villains alike. Today, Evil Villainy for Dummies has won a series of awards such as the Squeaky Sausage Medal from the British Villains League, the Golden Banana from the United States Evil Association, and the coveted Cardboard Cactus from the Canadian Association for Evil Villains and Pastry Chefs.
Also, another interesting though slightly irrelevant fact about Felix Asher Phineas Knowles is that he is one of the few evil villains that can successfully pull off wearing pink and dancing evilly. He is a self-proclaimed gender bender and lives by the motto, “Just because I eat children, doesn’t mean I don’t love them.”
A/N: And on that note, I end the story.
I've got other stories up on the site, if you enjoyed this - Practical Joking for Dummies has a similar feel (and title.) Also, check my livejournal for news about updates, story translations, graphics, or other random things!