Chapter 38: Contemplation and Indecision
Though Harry hardly dared to believe the morning could get any more dreadful, he quickly realised that the worst was not over when he went back to the guestroom and found Katie putting her things back into her travel bag.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m certainly not staying here,” Katie said in a stuffy voice, not turning to face him
“You can’t leave “ ”
“I’ll do whatever I bloody well want to!” Katie snapped, turning on him fiercely. “You have feelings for someone else “ and you know what, I could’ve understood that, I could get over that. But not this, Harry.”
“What? What’s wrong? What do you want me to do?”
“You know, if I fancied someone else, I’d probably try and stay away from him most of the time. I wouldn’t go out of my way to be around them…”
“Katie “ ”
“You, though, you even asked me to be nice to her, begged me to make an effort to like her. Because ‘it would mean a lot’ to you. And then you go off and get annoyed with Ron, because apparently if you can’t have her, nobody else can.”
“The solution is not leaving, Katie. You do want tofix this, right?’
“I’m not staying here,” she said quietly, not answering his question but turning back to her things again. “I don’t want to see her “ or you “ right now. I’ll go back to my house. I’ll see you again when you figure out what’s more important to you.”
“I’m not going to choose between the two of you,” Harry said.
“You’re not going to choose me over her, you mean.”
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t choose her over you “ but it doesn’t matter because she’s not asking me to do that.”
“In that case, I apologise for being so demanding,” she replied sardonically, waving her wand over her belongings, which vanished quickly. Then, she turned to Harry with a somber expression. “I’ll see you later, Harry.”
He didn’t protest any more, but heaved a frustrated sigh as he watched her exit the room. Running his hands into his hair, he collapsed onto the bed hopelessly, not quite sure what to do. At that moment he didn’t need to see Siobhan, or Ron for that matter. But he wasn’t quite ready to pack his bags and say he was leaving, either.
He settled, indecisively, for lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, letting his thoughts battle each other unproductively. Sometime later, there was a soft knock on the door, jerking Harry from that place half way between consciousness and dreams.
“Who is it?” he murmured, standing up and staggering towards the door with a yawn.
“It’s Hermione.”
He opened the door and adjusted his glasses at the blurry sight of a Hermione’s head of bushy hair, which was messier than usual even with his vision back in focus. She was flushed in the cheeks with a panicked look upon her face.
“What happened?” she asked quickly.
“Where were you?”
“I was out on the grounds “ tell me what happened. Ron is in a foul mood and Siobhan is just sitting in an armchair in front of the fireplace staring blankly.”
“We all got in a bit of an argument,” Harry grumbled.
“About?”
“Nothing. Just… Siobhan and Ron and … me.”
“You’re just a fountain of information, you know that?”
“What? That’s what we fought over!” Harry snapped. “Siobhan and Ron and me. And… jealousy, I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Hermione didn’t say anything, but gave him a calculating look.
“Katie left,” Harry said finally. “She’s upset. So, she went home.”
To this, Hermione nodded. “Alright, I understand now. And I’m guessing you don’t want to discuss it, because then you’d have to acknowledge what this is all really about?”
“Look, I already acknowledged whatever it is that this is ‘about’, alright, Hermione? Katie and I already fought over it, and now she’s gone because she can’t stand to look at me and she can’t stand to be here. So, if it’s alright with you, I’d really like to just drop it.”
“Are you staying, then?” Hermione asked. “Is Ron?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
“I’m having a good time,” she admitted quietly. “I’d like to stay.”
“Then stay,” Harry said. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I doubt Katie will think much of me lingering around here, though. I guess I’ll just tell Siobhan I need to leave and hope she understands.”
“Does she know what happened with you and Katie?”
“Not exactly, no,” Harry muttered.
“What about Ron?”
“He thinks I’m just mad at him because the two of you aren’t together,” Harry explained awkwardly. “Basically, he told me to mind my own business.”
Hermione bit her lip and looked away guiltily.
“Ron and I don’t belong to each other anymore. He has just as much right to be with Siobhan as I have to…” she trailed off.
“Blaise, yeah,” Harry said distantly. “Look, I’m just going to go ahead and pack my things, say goodbye to Siobhan and go home. But, you should stay, Ron probably will, too. I just can’t.”
“Alright, I’ll leave you to it, then.”
With that, Hermione left him and headed back out into the corridors of Siobhan’s home. Harry turned back into the room and started gathering the things that he had brought with him, his heart beating guiltily in his chest and thinking that with Voldemort still on the loose, romance should be the least of his worries.
Days went by with no sign or word from Katie. Not that Harry truly expected her to show up, but he approached every knock on the door with a subconscious hope that she was on the other side.
He thought a few times of going to see her at her house, but never did. He still wasn’t sure what to say to her, and had a sure feeling that if he showed up, things would get better before they got worse.
He would wait. He wouldn’t go to her until he’d prepared himself, thought it out, until he’d figured out what he could possibly say to her to fix this.
In the meantime, the Prophet told stories of ‘sheer terror’ that the Death Eaters were inspiring. Voldemort was rarely mentioned, but everyone knew it all connected back to him. He was growing more powerful in Dumbledore’s absence, and the community was at a loss of who to turn to, who would protect them in his place.
Harry could hardly bear to read it, but he forced it upon himself nonetheless. Some days he thought about just picking up and going into battle, but could never wrap his mind around the reality of doing it. In all the years of rash decisions of heroism, he’d always had something push him into the fight. Now, sitting at a wooden table with a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits, danger evident only in the black type of the newspaper, it was easy to see why taking sudden flight would be foolish.
But the responsibility weighed on his thoughts, crushing him. What began to worry him most was that he had no idea what could possibly happen to cause him to raise his wand to the duel. He was afraid of what it might be, but couldn’t see a rational reason for him to move without provocation.
He lapsed into constant contemplations, thinking of all the possibilities and never feeling the ability to realise them. He stayed in bed into the afternoon, lapsing back into dreams over and over again and only rising when his stomach wouldn’t go without food anymore. Then he would get up and go to the kitchen for tea and toast, where he always found Ron with a table full of books, studying for the N.E.W.T.’s. Now and then, Hermione would be there with him, also studying, though her stacks of parchment and books were three times as numerous.
Ron had been a bit quiet the first few days after his harsh exchange with Harry, but they’d both moved past it. Harry suspected that Hermione had discussed it with him, and found it a little disheartening that they’d learn to cooperate about being apart.
One afternoon as Harry pulled himself from bed at a particularly late hour, he found Hermione and Ron at the kitchen table conversing in low tones. They fell silent as Harry entered and looked to him expectantly.
“I really hate it when people do that,” Harry grumbled, sitting down and conjuring a goblet of orange juice.
“Do what?” Ron asked cluelessly.
“Stop talking when I come into a room,” Harry said bluntly.
“Oh. That.”
“We’re concerned about you, Harry,” Hermione started. “You need to be doing something.”
“What would you have me do?”
“Study for your N.E.W.T.’s. Go see Katie. Find a way to defeat Vol “ ” she stopped and turned away, biting her lip.
“Nice to now how you really feel, Hermione,” he muttered.
“That’s unfair,” Hermione replied firmly. “You have so much responsibility “ to yourself and to others “ and you’re letting days just pass you by. It’s been two weeks since you’ve seen the woman you’re supposed to marry, and she’s at home crying because she thinks you have feelings for someone else.”
“She’s been crying?” Harry asked, feeling a pang of worry mixed with guilt.
“Of course she has, Harry,” Hermione said. “She’s upset.”
“I don’t know what to say to her that I didn’t already say.”
“And what did you say?”
Harry stopped to think of the argument he’d had with Katie. He couldn’t remember a single thing he’d said to comfort her. All that came to mind was her accusations and his helplessness, along with his remark that he wouldn’t choose between her and Siobhan.
He heaved a sigh and buried his face in his hands.
“I just don’t know what to say to her that will make this better.”
“Well, you should figure it out soon. Because this is killing Katie. And the worst part of it is, I really think she’ll wait forever for you if that’s what she has to do.”
“Why do you believe that?” Harry asked hopelessly.
Hermione’s brown eyes flickered to Ron.
“Because that’s what I would do.”
Year Seven: Harry Potter & The Blood Debt by GringottsVault711
Chapter Notes: Very short chapter. >.> Mostly transitional, building up to *the end*. But alas, here it is. :)