Chapter 39: Facing Destiny
Over the next few days, Harry continued to go through the motions. Pulling himself out of bed, sometimes before noon, scowling at himself in the mirror and reading the Prophet’s daily report of murder and torture. He didn’t bother to shower, and he avoided conversation with anyone and everyone. He took to staring at the wall, running spells over in his mind, and now and then daydreaming scenarios for his reunion with Katie. But nothing ever made sense. The spells that he’d learnt felt useless, and every time he dreamt up a new way to win Katie back, he convinced himself that the perfection of his vision guaranteed it was one more way it would never happen.
Hermione’s words reverberated in his thoughts, nauseating him with guilt and bringing his teeth to his lip so to bite back the urge to tear up.
And there was no sanctity in his dreams, which became visions of his fear and trepidation. Katie was driven further away with each passing moment of hesitation, until she was gone. All that was left was nightmares covered in the blood of the bodies that were the result of his inaction. And in the end, Voldemort loomed, more powerful than ever, an impossible nemesis.
Nothing made sense. There were no solutions.
He needed something to push him into the fight, but there was nothing to be done, nothing to be said, that hadn’t already been.
It was a dull and dreary morning, when Harry sat alone in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, that reinforcements arrived.
“We’re not losing our hero, are we?”
Harry, stopping the nothing that he was doing, turned around slowly.
“Lupin.”
His voice was toneless and throaty, as it had been a while since he’d properly made use of it. Lupin offered him a weak, but concerned smile.
“You’re back from Manchester? I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I came because I’ve heard you’re not doing well. And you certainly don’t look it either.”
“Oh. And who’s the sneak?”
“Nobody’s been a sneak, Harry. Everyone’s very concerned. Alex, Ron, Hermione, Molly… Katie.”
“You’ve heard from Katie?”
“She’s one of the several that has written to me, yes. She’s worried about you, Harry. I think she’s hurting without you, and she’s upset and she’s angry. But she knows this isn’t you. She knows you should have at least made a vain attempt at reconciliation by now.”
The corner of Lupin’s lip twitched slightly, and Harry gave a small snort at laughter.
“You have a good woman, there, Harry,” Lupin added. “Furious with you, but still scared for you.”
“Yeah,” Harry sighed. “I don’t need to be told how brilliant she is. I know that. That’s not what’s stopping me.”
“What is?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Ah. That old roadblock.”
“I don’t know. I think I’ll be able to fix things with Katie. I’m scared of what it will be like if I don’t. But, I know that if I fail I can keep trying. That’s… not what I’m afraid of.”
“What are you afraid of, Harry?”
“Voldemort.”
Lupin was quiet, and Harry focused intently on a knot in the wooden table, attempting to steady his voice as he continued.
“If he catches me, and I don’t escape, or I don’t win “ that’s it.”
“Harry, do you realize how powerful a wizard you are? Do you realize the age and experience of the enemies you’ve faced, and come out victorious? Do you remember, at the age of fourteen, facing Voldemort in his current form, and getting out alive? And now, all the things you’ve learned to do, all the power you’ve developed…”
He trailed off and Harry looked up at him, waiting.
“He is human now, Harry. He can be destroyed. And I believe that you can do it.”
“There’s the slight problem of me being terrified out of my mind.”
“You don’t like fear, Harry. It makes you feel weak, I know this,” Lupin said thoughtfull. “But that’s why you’re a Gryffindor, Harry. Because you feel fear, and you do what is right nonetheless.”
Attempting to push back the lump that was rapidly forming in his throat, Harry nodded and looked away quickly. He felt guilt creep into his veins again, at Lupin’s faith in him despite his recent neglect of everything that was important.
“I did have another reason for visiting,” Lupin said, clearing his throat and reaching into the pocket of his blue robes. He offered a scroll of parchment to Harry along with a smile. “I think it’s something that should belong to you.”
Harry took it curiously and, unfurling it, found the parchment to be a map.
The Towne of Godric’s Hollow
His eyes widened as he took in the map, its small village square, resting within a small valley of the hills that made the land. There were winding roads that lead to small clusters of homes in some areas, and isolated houses in others. Harry looked over every inch of the scroll, every black inked inscription; he knew what he was looking for.
Cathair Mhór Áit.
He found the words written in script along a twisting black line, a few sidestreets away from the centre of the town. He looked at the numbers of the homes spaced out along the road, until his eyes rested on number seven. The place where Lily and James Potter had lived. The place where his parents gave their lives in return for his own.
“I still can’t go, can I?” Harry asked quietly. “Because it’s one place he knows he can single me out and take me down.”
“Just be patient, Harry.”
Harry ran his hand across the parchment.
All his life, Harry had waited to take action. He had needed an immediate problem to take immediate action. The stone was going to be stolen, Ginny was going to die, he was lured into the Shrieking Shack, he was forced to enter the Tri-wizard Tournament, Sirius was in danger, he was kidnapped to the headquarters of the Death Eaters. Something always pushed him.
Voldemort was no longer an immediate problem. He was an ongoing terror, and every day he was responsible for something terrible. Harry was just pushing through, hoping that one day it would get better.
He had done it once before in his life.
He had spent ten years bearing the grunt of the Dursleys abuse. He had behaved, he had let Dudley beat him up, he had remained friendless. He had resigned himself to living that hell day in, day out, hoping it would get better. Hoping that something would end it.
He had been rescued that time.
He could not wait this time.
Not for something that might not happen.
Something that would probably never happen. A savior that would never come.
He was the savior, this time.
I know what I have to do.
Harry took a deep breath outside Katie’s door. His heart was beating in his throat and he was thinking that perhaps he should have faced Voldemort first.
He’d undergone a decent transformation within a few hours. For one, he had showered and as a result smelled much more pleasant. More importantly, he’d found his goal again. Lupin’s visit, his words, the map, the reminder of what his parents had died for “ it had all renewed his focus.
When Katie answered the door, Harry’s heart fell a little. She looked tired, there were dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was tied back into a frizzy ponytail.
“Harry…”
Her tone was unreadable and Harry just looked anxiously back at her.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
She nodded and let him in, closing the door when he’d stepped in and then turning to face him, her arms folded.
“You look tired,” he said quietly.
“It’s busy at St Mungo’s these days,” she said darkly.
“It must be awful.”
“It is.”
There was a tense silence, interrupted by a loud cough in the kitchen.
“Er “ wou “ would you coming back to Grimmauld Place with me? I want to talk to you.”
“We can’t talk here?”
“My room, in Grimmauld Place, is where I proposed to you,” Harry muttered awkwardly. “I was just…”
Katie visibly repressed a small smile, and nodded.
“Let me grab my cloak.”
She summoned her cloak and the left the house, strolling down the street quietly. Harry felt better just having her close; he wanted to reach out and take her hand, but he wasn’t quite ready to feel her pull away from him. He waited, and he took a deep breath as the Apparated with a crack and reappeared at Grimmauld Place.
The continued their short walk, still in silence. When they reached the door, Harry opened it and gestured for her to go through. Katie looked towards the floor as she entered, and a strand of hair fell from behind her ear. Harry watched it float towards her face, thinking about how beautiful it was, and knowing she would wait a minute before tucking it back in place.
They went upstairs, to his room, and Katie stood looking at him, expectantly.
“Alright, then, here we are.”
“Yeah,” Harry said, suddenly at a loss for words.
“Harry “ it’s going to take more than a romantic setting to fix this.”
“I know. But, this is where I wanted to do this.”
He paused, nervous.
“You know I love you, Katie.”
“Yes, of course I know that. And “ ” she sighed, and replied reluctantly “I love you, too.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’ve made some mistakes here,” Harry said. “Katie, I really have no idea what it is I’m doing. I don’t think -”
“Well, you’ve got one thing right, at least,” Katie scoffed bitterly.
“- but I know what I feel, and it’s because of what I feel that I’m with you.”
“And what about Siobhan? You said if you weren’t with me…” she trailed off hopelessly and looked away.
“First of all, I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t deny it.”
“I know. I’m sorry, again, I’m an idiot. But -- it doesn’t matter what I would do if I’d never met you, or if you weren’t part of my life, or I wasn’t with you. Because we did meet, and you are a part of my life and I am with you.
“I know enough about prophecy and destiny to believe there’s truth to it. And I honestly believe that this is the way it was meant to happen “ you and me. That world where I’m not with you? It doesn’t exist, Katie. And it’s never going to.
Katie’s lower lip trembled in a hidden smile and she lifted her hand quickly to wipe away a tear trickling down her left cheek. Harry took a deep breath and moved closer to her, taking hold of her hand.
“Right now, destiny is telling me I’m meant for two things: to be with you, and to defeat Voldemort. I am choosing to take these paths. But I can’t go after him until I know that I still have you…” He hesitated. ““Do I have you?”
Katie closed her eyes for a moment, sending more tears streaming down her face, and nodded slightly. Her eyes open again and looking earnestly into his, she grasped his hand firmly.
“You still have me, Harry.”
It was dawn when Harry stood at his window the next morning. Katie was sleeping soundly on his bed. He didn’t want to wake her. He wanted her to sleep as long as she could on this day.
He was already fully dressed, and he hadn’t even tucked his wand away but was holding it readily. He had potions in his pockets. And a note that he’d written, tucked safely against his heart, but hoped desperately it wouldn’t be necessary.
He looked at Katie once more, a smile on her face. She looked happy, and at peace, and it took him a minute to tear his eyes away and make his way through the door.
The house was completely still, everyone was still asleep at this hour.
He was not planning on sneaking out unnoticed, however. First, he woke Ron up and pulled him reluctantly to the kitchen. Hermione arrived on the dot “ Harry had sent her an owl the night before, asking her to be there. The three of them stood in the kitchen, Ron and Hermione bewildered and tired, Harry sturdy and collected.
“Harry “ what the bloody hell am I doing awake at five am?” Ron asked.
“I wanted you both to know before I left,” Harry explained quietly.
“Left?” Hermione asked, confused. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to Godric’s Hollow,” Harry answered. “And I’m going to wait there. If the Order is right, and I imagine they are, Voldemort will learn that I am there. If he shows up, then we will know that today is the day that fate has chosen for us to fulfill the prophecy.”
Ron’s jaw dropped, and Hermione stared.
“Harry “ you can’t “ ”
“Are you sure about this, Harry?” Ron asked seriously.
Hermione gasped and looked at Ron “ “You can’t encourage this?!”
Harry nodded.
“I’m going now. Please don’t try to stop me. Don’t call the Order, don’t wake anyone to tell them where I am. Don’t send a rescue mission. This is my choice.”
“Harry “ ”
“You can tell Katie what I’m doing, but only when she wakes. And don’t tell anyone where I’ve gone.”
“This is insane,” Hermione cried.
“I woke you to tell you, because I trust you. I want you both to know where I’ve gone, and knowing that you’re both supporting me is going to make this easier for me.”
Hermione just mouthed wordlessly, and her tears had begun to pour.
“Hermione,” Harry said softly. “I’m ready for this. Or as ready as I ever will be.”
“I “ I know you’re capable Harry,” Hermione said, faltering.
“Would you have me wait? You know I have to do this, and you know it has to happen. Do you think I’ll be any more capable a year from now? Or what, five years? How many people will have died by then?”
Hermione seemed to be nodding and shaking her head at the same time.
“Take care of each other for me,” Harry said, trying to hide his voice catching in his throat.
“Harry, mate “ ” Ron started.
“I’ll be back in a few hours.”
With that “ he left the kitchen. He left Grimmauld Place. He took out his map and looked at his destination, taking a deep breath.
And then, Harry Potter went to face his destiny.