Caffeine High -
Harry, Ron, and Hermione
By Chaos Illusion
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the Potter Puppet Pals, or “Puffpuff fairies”. But I wish I did.
A/N: I would like to thank Keeper of the Flame because her hyperness, near-insanity, and messed up mental images inspired this. A few of her hyper quotes and a few references to the Potter Puppet Pals (watch it, it’s pure genius) will be in this fic. And now on with the insanity.
*If you don't like random humor, I suggest you read another fic.*
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Three seventh-year students sit in the Gryffindor Common Room by the fire.
Harry: I’m bored.
Ron: Me too.
Hermione: You could always study.
Ron: No way!
They sit for a few more minutes in silence. Hermione is still studying and Harry and Ron are staring into the fire. Suddenly Harry jumps up.
Harry: I want some candy.
Ron: And some pop sounds good.
Hermione yawns widely and sets her quill on the table.
Hermione: Some coffee would be nice too. I'll never finish studying for tomorrow's Charms test if I can't stay awake.
Ron smiles.
Ron: I have candy and pop upstairs in my trunk.
Harry: And I could get some coffee from the teacher’s lounge.
And so they did. Ron ran upstairs and got candy and pop from his trunk. Harry sneaked into the teacher’s lounge with a little help from the Marauder's Map and his invisibility cloak. Ron and Harry got back to the Common Room and they happily drank and ate until they couldn't any more.
Harry: Do you feel weird?!
Harry is twitchy and a little paranoid.
Ron: Noo! Not-ith at aaalll...
Ron is standing on a table with a happy smile on his face and seems to enjoy randomly adding “-ith” to the end of words.
Hermione is sitting on the floor rocking back and forth with a maniac-like grin on her face.
Ron jumps from the table.
Ron: I have the sudden urge to bother Snape!
Harry: I'll *twitch* come with you!
Ron: Okay! Does Hermione, overlord o’ House elves, want to comith with us?
Hermione: But I want to study! And I’m going to make you study with me!! I AM THE HOMEWORK MASTER!
Hermione starts to laugh like crazy.
Ron: I shall takith that as a yes...ith.
Hermione: Smashing DUCKS and Puffpuff fairieeeees! Dancing all around! Wheee!
Ron looks wildly around.
Ron: Where?!
Harry: I think they flew into the forest.
Harry rushes to the window, opens it, and leans out. Ron and Hermione rush to the window, too.
Harry: Yup. The wind kangaroos pushed the Puffpuff fairies into the forest. Let’s go get them back!
Ron and Hermione: Okay(-ith)!
They leave the common room, and make their way down the Grand Staircase. They enter the entrance hall. Dumbledore runs pass the giant hourglasses that keep track of House points…naked.
Dumbledore: Naked time!
He runs up the staircase and out of sight while singing a weird song about being naked at the top of his lungs. The trio skip onto the grounds and toward the forest. They pass Hagrid’s hut. Hagrid comes out, hiccupping. He appears to have been drinking.
Hagrid: Hey “ hic - you three! Where were “ hic “ yeh two “ hic “ teddy bears ago?
Hermione steps up.
Hermione: In the tuna can.
Hagrid: Eh, “ hic “ good ‘nuff.
Hagrid passes out.
Harry: Let’s go into the forest! I bet there are a ton of mattress-raping tonsils in there holding Puffpuff fairies hostage!
The trio climb over the unconscious giant, and skip into the forest while singing wonderful songs about pogo-sticks and zebras.
Ron: I think I hear something in the bushes over there. I hope it’s not a cloud monkey.
Harry pokes the bush with his wand and out jumps a Knarl. A crazy one.
Knarl: AHHHH!
It jumps on Hermione.
Hermione: AH! HOW DARE YOU KILL ME SEVEN TIMES?!?!
Hermione picks it up and throws it on the ground.
Hermione: HA!
She stomps on it. The Knarl makes a strange squeaking sound.
Hermione: You foolish quatrains thought that you could ambush me with a wheelbarrow full of dramatic irony, did you!?! TAKE THIS!!!
She stomps on it again and again.
Knarl: EEEeeeeeeP!
The Knarl coughs and rolls over.
Ron: Look! She taught it how to playith roll over! I mean, dead!
Hermione: YES! I HAVE DEFEATED THE DWARVEN QUATRAINS WITH A KILT OF MILEMOPS AND A PINCH OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT!!!!
Hermione does a victory dance on the dead Knarl.
Ron: I think she’s finally lost her nerquits.
Harry looks wildly around and ‘moo!’s for no reason. Ron and Hermione stop what they’re doing and look at him.
Harry: Now that I’ve got your attention, I think the Puffpuff fairies went back to the castle while House-Elf Master was being attacked.
Ron: Let’s go bother Snape, the Puffpuff fairy!
Harry: Right-o! You coming, Homework Overlord?
Hermione: Broomballs…AWAY!
Hermione starts running out of the forest with her arms outstretched and making “vroom vroom” sounds.
Harry: Eekcharges! *twitch* Trumpty! Kittopiles!
Harry starts jumping away while saying random, and obviously made-up words with an occasional twitch.
Ron: Hey! Wait up for the dancing teapots...ith!
Ron runs after them while making occasional whistling sounds.
They run into the castle and down to the dungeons.
Ron (in a singsong voice): Snape, Snape, Snape! Bother, bother, bother! Bother Snape, bother Snape, bother, bother Snape, Snape!
They knock on Snape’s office door. Without waiting for a reply, they barge in. A seventh-year Slytherin girl is quickly getting dressed.
Ron: And you’d think Snape’d be a little happier.
Harry: Uh, what’s going on here?
Snape: Um…R-Remedial Potions.
Ron: Riiiiight...
The Slytherin girl hurries out the door, clutching a few items of clothing she has yet to put on.
Snape: See you next week!
Ron steps up to Snape and pokes him.
Ron: Bother.
He does it again.
Ron: Bother.
Snape is trying to ignore him. Hermione is curiously looking at the weird glass jars lining Snape's office walls.
Hermione: How did you get all this stuff? Can you tell us?
Snape: That depends on whether or not you know how to dance to polka music while watering your cheeseburger garden.
Harry: So you’ll tell us?!
Ron: Yeah, I dance to polka while watering my cheeseburger garden all the time! So tellith us!
Snape: But if I tell you, the weeble house of velcro will never learn to fly!!
Hermione steps up to Snape.
Hermione: You’ve been keeping the Puffpuff fairies hostage, haven’t you?
Snape: Uh…FIFTY-KAGILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND RAVENCLAW!
Harry: Hey! Why not Hufflepuff?!
Snape: BECAUSE!
He starts laughing manically. Hermione joins in for no apparent reason.
Snape: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now get out of my office!!
Snape literally kicks the trio out of his office.
Ron: I know why he didn’t take points from Hufflepuff…
A sixth-year Hufflepuff girl walks down the dungeon steps.
Ron: Snape’s had a little too much Hufflepuff.
Feeling the caffeine high wearing off, the trio walk back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron and Harry take their places in front of the fire and Hermione sits at a table to try to get back to studying.
Hermione: Want to study?
Ron and Harry: NO.
Hermione: Fine. I can't concentrate anymore, so I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
Harry: ‘Night, Hermy.
Hermione goes up to the girl’s dormitories.
Ron laughs.
Ron: Heh. 'Hermy.’ You sound just like Grawp.
Harry: Are you calling me stupid?
Ron: No.
Harry: Riiight. I’m going to bed.
Ron: Okay.
Harry goes up to the boy’s dormitories.
Ron: And now I have it all to myself…
Ron gets up and digs a bunch of candy and pop out from under an armchair.
Ron: It’s mine…ALL MINE!
Author: No, it’s MINE!
She bashes Ron in the back of the head with a baseball bat then takes the caffeine for herself.
THE END.