Caffeine High –
The Marauders
By Chaos Illusion
Chapter Summary: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs drink a sugar potion and get extremely hyper. Sirius starts saying phrases in a language he doesn’t even know, Peter has a weird…thing…with pantyhose, and James and Remus are just crazy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Genis (from Tales of Symphonia). Or “Auntie Genis’s Radiator Muffins.”
Credits: Once again, a lot of credit goes to Keeper of the Flame. Her messed-up mental images, creativity (caffeine/sugar-induced creativity), and near insanity inspired this. Without her crazy RPs and caffeine-induced quotes, I don’t think I could have written these stories.
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Potion’s professor: After two minutes of counter-clockwise stirring, add the sliced caterpillar.
A separate recipe is unfolded in Sirius’s lap. James, Remus, and Peter are adding the separate recipe ingredients to their cauldron when the potion’s professor isn’t looking.
Sirius: Let’s hope this won’t have too much of a change in the potion color. We wouldn’t want that old bat to figure out what we’re doing, would we?
He grins.
James: Exactly, Padfoot. Pft! Calming Potion…Why would we want to make that?
Peter: Yeah! This Sugar Potion is just what we need!
Sirius turns in his seat to look at Remus, who looks like he’s about to fall asleep.
Sirius: No, it’s more like what HE needs.
Remus: What if we get caught? I don’t want you guys to get thrown in detention because of me.
James: Moony, we risk it every month and we haven’t been caught yet. What harm could this potion do? You need it! Look at yourself.
As the words, “you need it,” leave James’s mouth, the potion’s professor silently stands behind them until he’s finished speaking.
Potion’s teacher: What, may I ask, does Remus need?
She snatches the potion recipe from Sirius’s lap and reads it.
Potion’s teacher: A…Sugar Potion?
Peter: Yeah, he doesn’t seem to be feeling too good, so we thought some sugar might make him feel a little better!
The teacher vanishes the Sugar Potion in their cauldron with a wave of her wand, flashes them a sweet smile, then walks back to her desk.
James leans over to Remus.
James: (whispering) She’s smiling her “you-fail-and-get-detention-for-a-week” smile.
Remus: I’m not blind, I saw! I told you we were going to get caught. Now we’re gonna fail this assignment.
James: Jeez, you don’t have to bite our heads off!
James rolls his eyes and mutters “stupid werewolf PMS…”
Remus: I heard that…
Sirius and Peter: Lighten up.
Five minutes later the class is dismissed. As they are walking out of the dungeons, Sirius pulls four glass vials from a pocket in his robe.
Sirius: You didn’t think I’d let our Sugar Potion be destroyed by that hag, did you?
He grins mischievously and gives his friends a vial each. They make sure no one is looking and drink the Sugar Potion.
James: Feel anything?
James asks after a minute of waiting with his eyes shut.
Remus and Sirius: Nope.
Peter: Guess we messed up.
They shrug and go to Charms.
The students take their seats and Professor Flitwick hops off his pile of books.
Professor Flitwick: Today, class, we are going to review switching spells. Now, please take out your- Mr. Black, what do you think you’re doing?!
Sirius jumps on his desk.
Sirius: The stools are really the flying waffles of DOOM! And they’re coming for us! RUN!!
He looks wildly around the classroom then points to the door.
Sirius: Wakarimasu ka! Dasshutsu!! (Do you understand? Escape!!)
The class just stares at him, confused but at the same time a little amused. Several of the students are trying not to laugh.
Peter, James, and Remus jump out of their seats and run around in circles screaming. Sirius jumps down and joins them. Finally, they all collide and fall to the floor.
Professor Flitwick: Boys, settle down! SETTLE DOWN!
They jump up and stare at Flitwick. Remus points to him.
Remus: Don’t listen to the little people…They’ll send monkeys after your butt then take over happy land.
They slowly back out of the classroom and into the corridor. They turn to the portrait-lined corridor and grin. James shoots water out of his wand near a portrait and laughs like a maniac.
James: The portraits…they pee!
They spend a few minutes terrorizing the portraits then run down the corridor and down the grand staircase. They run through the Great Hall and down the corridor leading to the Hogwart’s kitchen.
Peter: I! shall handle this!
He steps up and tickles the giant pear. It goes into a laughing fit and sprouts a doorknob. They enter the kitchen and about fifty house-elves run up to them, asking them if they need anything.
James: Meat mallets!!! And some plastic wrap!!
The elves hurry off and bring back four meat mallets and four boxes of plastic wrap a few seconds later.
Remus and Peter go into a meat-mallet fight while making metallic noises whenever the mallets hit each other, as if they’re in a sword fight. Sirius takes his mallet and holds it high in the air.
Sirius: I AM THE LORD OF THE MALLETS!!
His eyes grow big and he starts to run in circles while screaming.
Sirius: AHHH!!! The Malletwraiths are after me!!!!
James puts the plastic wrap in a pile and raises his mallet with an evil grin on his face. Sirius trips over the pile and sees what James is about to do.
Sirius: WHAT IN THE HOLY SACRED NAME OF BUBBLE BOBBLE ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT MEAT MALLET, JAMES?!
James starts taking aim at the pile.
Sirius: NO! DON'T HURT THE PLASTIC WRAP!! Tomodachi desu! (It is a friend!)
He tries to stop James, but it’s too late. James starts pulverizing the plastic wrap into nothingness.
Sirius: PLASTIC WRAP! NOOOOOOO! YOU KILLED IT! WHY?! WHY?!
Remus and Peter stop their mock mallet/sword fight to see what’s going on.
Sirius is now on the floor in the fetal position while muttering.
Sirius: It-It was horrible…So much plastic…wrap…lost!
Peter helps him up and they leave the kitchen.
Remus: Do you feel any better?
Sirius: Yeah…
He turns to James. Sirius still looks like he’s on the verge of tears.
Sirius: But…why?
James: They were planning a revolution. It had to be done.
While they are talking, Peter sneaks away with an odd look on his face.
Sirius: Oh, okay…As long as it was for the good of the human race.
The bell rings as they enter the Entrance Hall and students and teachers come down for dinner in the Great Hall.
Sirius: Hey, what happened to Wormtail?
James: I dunno…
They look up at the stairs and see Peter run down the hall.
James: Get him!
James and Sirius run up the stairs while making war cries. Remus wanders into the Great Hall.
They follow Peter up the Grand Staircase and down another corridor.
They turn another corridor and lose Peter.
Sirius: Damn. Lost him.
James: Guess we should search the rooms…
They start checking the rooms in the corridor.
Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…
Remus is standing in the middle of the hall, ranting at the top of his lungs…about wheelbarrows.
Remus: Wheelbarrows…What’s not to love about them? They defeated the lemon rinds in 1566, are faithful servants of Kneazles, and are anti-Lethifold!
Everyone in the hall is staring at him.
Remus: But there’re other things to consider about them. Wheelbarrows have to carry things around, which is harmful to the environment, and may soon cause a rebellion among wheelbarrows and shovels. Who knows? They may even join the goblins. I say we keep a sharp watch on the wheelbarrows, or else they’ll carry us away in the middle of the night and feed us to the axe dogs…Thank you for your time.
He bows and leaves the Great Hall, leaving everyone in suppressed giggle fits.
Back in a corridor on an above floor…
James: Two doors left…
Sirius pushes the door open and they jump into the room.
Sirius and James: GOT YA, UNICORN DUCK!
But it’s not Peter in the room. Snape and the Potion’s professor are “kissing” on top of one of the desks. They jump up when James and Sirius enter.
Sirius: (whispering to James) So this is why Snivellus gets such good grades…
Potion’s professor: It’s not what it looks like!
James: Then what is it?
Snape: Uh…Remedial Potions?
Sirius: But you’re already top of the class in Potions.
Snape: I’m taking it as extra credit.
He and the potion’s professor run out of the room.
James: That was…..weird…
Sirius: Was it, really?
James: Guess you’re kinda right…
Sirius: Well, one door left.
They go back to the corridor and stand outside the last door, which has a sign on it reading Office of Professor M. McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress.
James: No way is he brave enough to go in there.
Remus, who has been wandering the halls since he left the Great Hall, sees James and Sirius and join them outside the office.
Remus: Why are we standing outside of McGonagall’s office?
James: Sirius thinks Wormtail’s in there.
Sirius: He is in there. There’s no other room he could have gone into.
Remus: Okay…So who’s gonna go get him?
James and Sirius turn to him and grin.
Sirius: Moony, would you be so kind as to-
They hear a noise from inside.
Remus: Let’s just wait for him to come out.
They press themselves against the wall by the door and wait. After a few minutes, the door opens and Peter comes out with his robes stuffed full of…things. His hood it up and his robes are shut tight.
They come up behind Peter.
James: Whatcha got in your robes?
Peter: Um…Nothing…
He starts to walk away.
Sirius: Hold it!
Peter starts to walk faster.
Peter: Leave me alone!
James takes hold of him, and Sirius pulls his hood down. On top of Peter’s head, like a hat, is a pair of pantyhose.
Remus: I think I know what’s in his robes…
Sirius: Be a good boy…AND RETURN THE PANTYHOSE!
Peter: NEVER!
He breaks free and runs down the corridor laughing like a maniac. Sirius, James, and Remus stand there for a minute.
James: Wanna go back to the Common Room?
Sirius: Sure.
They get back to the Common Room and sit down in the armchairs by the fireplace. Peter comes down from the boy’s dormitory pantyhose-free and joins them.
Remus: Well, this was an interesting day…
James, Peter: Yeah.
Sirius: Hai. (Yes.)
Remus: Could someone please turn on a light or something? I need to do my homework…
Sirius: Sure.
He reaches to light a candle.
???: NO!
The author dives for the candle and knocks it to the floor. She stands up and sets an owl on the table.
Author: Save the candles, light the room with an owl!
She sets the owl on fire then walks away.
Sirius: That…was my owl…
Sirius’s owl: Hoot…hoot…
James: Sorry, Padfoot…
Sirius: D-Daijoubu desu... (I-It’s alright…)
Remus: This…was a very weird day.
It gets dark and there is a moment of silence. A bluish-white haired boy appears in a lacy pink and white apron. He’s holding a plate of muffins.
Genis: This message has been brought to you by Auntie Genis’s Radiator Muffins!
THE END.