CHAPTER 24
Rita Skeeter’s Scoop
[In Grubbly-Plank’s Care of Magical Creatures class, Harry and Ron are discussing where Hagrid could be.]
HARRY: Ron, what do you reckon’s wrong with Hagrid?
RON: You think maybe a Skrewt…
[A smug Malfoy saunters up behind them.]
MALFOY: Oh, he hasn’t been attacked, if that’s what you’re thinking. Just too ashamed to show his big, ugly face.
[Harry and Ron whirl around, furious.]
HARRY: What do you mean?
[Malfoy hands Harry a newspaper.]
MALFOY: (with a nasty laugh) Hate to break it to you, Potter.
[Harry and Ron look down at the newspaper. They read….
THE BOOK OF THE FIC
CHAPTER 24:
Those Not Appearing in the Fic, Except For This Bit Here
The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, are the first ones not to be appearing in this fic. They are all three very normal, thank you very much. It is perfectly normal to have no neck, or horse-teeth, or to be as large as a young killer whale. Five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award, Gilderoy Lockhart, is nowhere to be found in this fic either. Just as well, since he is currently in St. Mungo’s, as his brain broke two years ago. Remus Lupin, the most lovable of former DADA professors, is also not appearing in this fic. Which is too bad, really--this fic would have done well to have his quiet, intelligent, kindly, and chocolate-loving influence. The Patil sisters, the prettiest girls in Harry’s year, are sadly not in this fic either. As they are very pretty, this is a mite disappointing. True enough, Lockhart’s not bad to look at either what with that charming smile, and Lupin has his good points, but this fic would be corking if the Patil twins were in it. As it is, it’s pretty much bollocks, ain’t it? Damn that John Cleese, I’m tellin’ you…All his bloody fault. If it weren’t for him, nobody’d’ve found us out! We could’ve included the werewolf, the fat Muggle, the blond wizard, the charming Patil sisters...But no--Cleese had to go and…
WE’RE EXTRAORDINARILY SORRY
We, the posters of this fic, were positive that the rabid fan-poodle from THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC had been got rid of. Please forgive the interruption, he must have sneaked past our security trolls, they’ve been a bit tetchy with us lately…Anyway, we will take every precaution to ensure that you, the reader, will not be harassed again. If you’ll please just direct your attention to the next chapter, we are sure that…
Oh, you ain’t going to get rid of me that easy, ya bunch of tossers!
So very sorry, reading public. We…Oi, there he goes! Down the drainpipe! After him! Grab his ankles…Get that bloody keyboard away from him!
Gerroff me! You let…go…!!
Fat…bloody…chance…Ah! There we are. That’s it for you, you anti-Cleese propagandist! We’ll see that you STAY out!
STAND AND FIGHT, YOU DOGS! YOU SCURVY CURS!!
He’s mental…a raving bloody lunatic…Yes, that’s it, get him out of here before he harms one of the canon characters.
WE HUMBLY BEG PARDON FOR THE INTERRUPTION
Everything is now under control. On with the fic.
[…still in Care of Magical Creatures class.]
MALFOY:…kids, ha ha!
HARRY: You--
GRUBBLY-PLANK: Are you paying attention over there?
Bollocks, we missed it…
Er, well…On to the next sketch!!
CHAPTER 31
The Third Task
[Harry has just entered the hedge maze. He meets the huge Blast-Ended Skrewt. As it lumbers toward him, Harry tries to stun it.]
HARRY: Stupefy!
[The spell rebounds off of the Skrewt‘s armor, and Harry has to jump to the side to avoid it. He tries again and again.]
HARRY: Stupefy! Stupefy! IMPEDIMENTA!
[The Skrewt freezes as the spell hits its soft underbelly, and Harry runs down another path. He doesn’t know what to expect. Then suddenly, guarding a junction…]
HARRY: The Black Knight?
[Standing at the junction, towering at least six feet tall, is the Black Knight. The Knight just stares at Harry, leaning on his sword. Harry considers tossing a spell, but decides to try poiteness first.]
HARRY: Um, could I get past you please?
KNIGHT: Who DARES challenge the BLACK KNIGHT?!
[Harry steps back a little at this booming retort.]
HARRY: I’m not challenging you.
[Silence. The Knight continues to stare at Harry.]
HARRY: What do I have to do?
[The Knight stares. Harry‘s beginning to get a little impatient.]
HARRY: Do we…duel, or something? I haven’t got a sword, and you haven’t got a wand…so…
[The Knight just stands there, saying nothing.]
HARRY: You make me sad. But never mind.
[Harry turns to go back the way he came, but the Knight blocks him.]
KNIGHT: None shall pass.
HARRY: But…I’m trying to go in the opposite direction.
KNIGHT: None shall pass.
HARRY: I’m not trying to pass you! (pause) Oh, well…I am now, I guess. (raises his wand) I need to past you, come on!
KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
HARRY: How are we going to duel? I’ll just blast you with a spell before you can draw your sword.
KNIGHT: Will your spells penetrate my armor?
HARRY: Er…
KNIGHT: Stand and fight!
[The Black Knight tosses Harry a sword…from somewhere…]
HARRY: Well, thanks…I guess.
KNIGHT: Have at you!
[Harry pockets his wand and picks up the sword reluctantly. The duel lasts for about ten seconds before Harry delivers a blow that chops the Knight’s left arm off at the shoulder. Blood gushes from the Knight‘s wound, making Harry feel slightly sick.]
HARRY: Sorry about that…Now stand aside!
KNIGHT: (glancing at his bloody shoulder) ’Tis but a scratch!
HARRY: A scratch? Your arm’s off!
KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
HARRY: (points to arm on the ground) Well, what's that then?
KNIGHT: I've had worse.
HARRY: Are you insane?
KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!
[Harry had been a bit guilty about severing the Knight’s arm, but all sympathy left him at being called a “pansy.”]
HARRY: Fine!
[They have another ten second duel, before Harry chops the Knight’s sword-arm off. The arm, still holding the sword, falls to the ground. Despite himself, Harry feels some grim satisfaction.]
HARRY: There, I think I win. But…Sorry I chopped your arms off.
[Harry starts to walk away, but the Knight hops to block his path again.]
HARRY: What are you doing? I won!
KNIGHT: Come on then!
[Knight kicks Harry in the leg, hard.]
HARRY: Ow! What was that for?
KNIGHT: Had enough, then? Come on, come on!
HARRY: You stupid…You don’t have any arms left!
KNIGHT: Yes I have.
HARRY: What?! Look!
KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound!
[Kicks Harry again.]
HARRY: Ow! Knock it off! I don’t have time for this!
KNIGHT: (still kicking) Had enough yet? Ready to surrender?
HARRY: No! Ouch! Stop that!
[Harry’s beginning to get angry, not to mention sore and confused.]
HARRY: I’ll cut your leg off!
[Harry is kicked.]
HARRY: Right.
[Harry chops off one of the Knight’s legs. Now the Knight is hopping around on one leg, bleeding profusely.]
KNIGHT: Oh, I’ll have you for that!
HARRY: (astounded) You’ll what?!
KNIGHT: Come here!
HARRY: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?
KNIGHT: I’m INVINCIBLE!
HARRY: You’re a nutter, is what you are!
KNIGHT: The Black Knight ALWAYS triumphs!
HARRY: Please don’t make me…
KNIGHT: Have AT you!
HARRY: Okay, fine.
[Harry chops the Knight’s other leg off. Now the Black Knight is just a torso propped up on the ground, surrounded by his own severed limbs.]
HARRY: Urgh. Sorry…Wow, that’s incredibly disgusting…
[The Knight looks around at his arms and legs, then up at Harry, who’s staring at him disbelievingly.]
KNIGHT: Fine, we’ll call it a draw.
HARRY: Sure, fine. Whatever.
[Harry drops the sword near the Knight, and takes out his wand again. Shaking his head, Harry moves down the path, with the Knight screaming after him:]
KNIGHT: Running away eh? Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!