CHAPTER 34

Priori Incantatem

The Abbreviated Ending

[The graveyard. Voldemort has just been reborn, and has finished his Bond-villain bit. Harry is tied to Tom Riddle Sr.’s gravestone.]

VOLDEMORT: (to his Death Eaters) You see, I think, how foolish it was to suppose that this boy could ever have been stronger than me. I’m going to kill him now, where there’s no Dumbledore to save him, no mother to die for him…However, I’m an evil overlord who is completely secure with himself, so I’ve got nothing to prove.

WORMTAIL: Master…All respect…I thought the general plan was that you would allow Potter to fight, to prove that you were stronger…My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

WORMTAIL: T-t-that you have n-n-nothing to prove, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: Exactly. Plans change as circumstances change. My loyal servant back at Hogwarts had more brains than I gave him credit for. Why duel with Potter when I can kill off almost the entire cast in one go?

[Silence. Harry, still muddled from the Cruciatus Curse, just stares at Voldemort, as do most of the Death Eaters.]

LUCIUS: The…entire cast, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: Observe.

[Voldemort makes a sweeping gesture with his arm to the gravestones behind Harry. A gasp is heard from the group of Death Eaters, along with some scattered triumphant laughter. Harry strains to see, but as he’s tied up, it’s no good.]

LUCIUS: My Lord, if I may…How did your servant manage this?

VOLDEMORT: NEVER question what I or my most trusted Death Eaters do, Lucius! EVER!

LUCIUS: Beg pardon, My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: Besides, it’s none of your business.

LUCIUS: Oh…yes, My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: The point is, our sides are just about even--only we have the advantages of being stronger and not tied to gravestones.

[There’s laughter from the Death Eaters. Harry doesn’t believe what he’s hearing--he’s sure it’s a trick.]

VOLDEMORT: All right, Death Eaters, fan out, choose a victim or two, wands at the ready…(looks to Harry) I’ll kill you personally. But I wouldn’t take from you the excitement of seeing all of your loved ones die first.

[Voldemort waves his wand, and Harry, still tied up, somehow winds up on the other side of the gravestone. He looks, and spits out the gag in surprise.]

HARRY: I…don’t believe this. No, it just can’t be…

[Most of the other cast members are also tied to gravestones. Ron and Hermione are on Harry’s right and left; Sirius is a few stones away, next to Hagrid and McGonagall; the entire Weasley family occupies a cluster of gravestones around Ron. Even Snape is there, tied to a lone monument. And Dumbledore is tied to a stone directly across from Harry. Everyone looks very calm for the circumstances--Ron, Sirius and Hagrid are even grinning a bit at Harry. Harry suspects some sort of foul play with drugged pumpkin juice.]

DUMBLEDORE: Well, hello, Harry.

HARRY: I…All of you…How?…Dumbledore, DO something!

VOLDEMORT: (mocking) “Dumbledore, do something!” Please, desist with the melodramatics, boy.

HARRY: Let them go! It’s me you want, just kill me, don’t hurt them!

DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry, don’t get all excited.

VOLDEMORT: How can YOU be so calm, Dumbledore? I’m going to kill you as well! Right before I finish off Potter!

DUMBLEDORE: What have I always said, Tom? There are worse things than death. Much worse things.

HARRY: Why are you so willing to do this?! What’s wrong with everyone?!

SIRIUS: We care about you, Harry.

SNAPE: I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, myself…

SIRIUS: Shut up!

MOLLY: Stop it, both of you! Don’t make Harry feel worse…(to Harry) Don’t worry dear, everything is going to be just fine.

HERMIONE: (reassuring) We figured out something that even Voldemort doesn’t know, Harry…that’s how we ended up here without a fight.

RON: And why we’re all okay with it.

HARRY: But…what…THEY’RE GOING TO KILL US ALL! VOLDEMORT’S GOING TO WIN!

DUMBLEDORE: No, he isn’t.

HARRY: Why?

DUMBLEDORE: (to the rest of the group) Shall I tell him?

SIRIUS: Just don’t let Voldemort hear it, Professor Dumbledore.

VOLDEMORT: I’m standing right here! Besides, I’m sure I already know.

HARRY: Know WHAT?

DUMBLEDORE: That this isn’t the way the book’s supposed to end. We’ve got a new author for this little…adventure.

HARRY: So…This isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen?

VOLDEMORT: No, the real ending is much more traumatic for you…And I was much more chilling. I prefer that ending.

SNAPE: It’s not as though this one stands. It’s not even real. Just a bizarre little footnote to our lives.

HARRY: We’re not going to die?

RON: Come on, mate…How can we all die in one go? It‘d be pretty anti-climactic, wouldn‘t it?

HERMIONE: And anyway, Harry, you’re guaranteed to make it at least to the beginning of Book Seven.

HARRY: That’s true…But I don’t want you guys to get hurt.

SIRIUS: (nonchalant) Oh, we won’t. I have to say, I’m having a pretty good time…exciting, being tied to a tombstone in an overgrown churchyard.

SNAPE: Well, you always were…No, never mind, that’s too easy.

DUMBLEDORE: Don’t worry, Harry. It’ll just be a little bit of a bump, so to speak, and then we’ll get put back in our proper places in the septology.

HARRY: (still a bit dubious) So we’ll all be okay? For now, anyway?

RON: That’s about the size of it.

HERMIONE: So just don’t worry. It might be a fascinating experience to write about, having a fictional death and all.

HARRY: Sure, Hermione.

DUMBLEDORE: So you see, Harry? It’s nothing. And Tom here gets to pretend that he’s managed to kill us all off, at least once.

VOLDEMORT: How dare you?! Just for that bit of cheek, Dumbledore, I’m cutting off this ridiculous conversation! Death Eaters, form a ring, wands out, get ready to Avada Kedavra!

HARRY: Dumbledore, you’re sure no one will get hurt.

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Harry, really I am. All of us are going to be fine.

[A bit of a pause as the Death Eaters form a ring around the captives. As fictional death draws nigh, even Sirius begins to lose a bit of his enthusiasm. Hagrid breaks the silence.]

HAGRID: C’mon, now, everybody! If Dumbledore says there ain’t nothin’ ter worry about, then there ain’t nothin’ ter worry about!

FRED: Hagrid’s right!

GEORGE: How about a song, before we shuffle off the fictional coil?

MOLLY: I don’t think now’s the time, George.

ARTHUR: Why not, Molly? I agree with Hagrid. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

MOLLY: Arthur, look at Harry! He doesn’t look all that convinced!

HARRY: Well, I have to say…I’m really not. Sorry, Dumbledore, but the Death Eaters are about to do a fictional Avada Kedavra, and Voldemort is standing right behind me!

[Voldemort’s high, cold laugh fills the air in the graveyard. None of the captives pay him any attention.]

SIRIUS: Well, would a song cheer you up, Harry?

RON: Yeah, why not? Let’s have a song!

MCGONAGALL: What do you think, Albus?

DUMBLEDORE: (pensively) A song…I do love music. It’s the very best kind of magic. And I do believe I’ve got the perfect tune for the occasion.

[Dumbledore clears his throat, then smiles at Harry.]

DUMBLEDORE: Now cheer up, Harry. You know what they say:

FRED and GEORGE: Python! Wicked, Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: Thank you. (continues with the song)

[Fred and George lead the rest of the cast (except for Snape, of course) in the whistling segment. Harry is still a bit too nervous about the proceedings to join in.]

DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Go ahead, do the next bit, Sirius.

SIRIUS: All right then. (with a wink at Harry, Sirius sings)

DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Come along, everyone, join in if you know it!

[Harry looks at Ron and Hermione, who both smile reassuringly at him. He finally smiles back, ready to embrace this odd turn of events…not to mention the catchy tune.]

EVERYONE: Enjoy it, it’s your last chance anyhow.

HARRY: Always look on the bright side of death.

EVERYONE: Just before you draw your terminal breath.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, your turn!

SNAPE: I most certainly will not.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, come along, none of us are going to remember this, anyway.

SNAPE: Fine.

I’m done.

HARRY: I’ll pick up, then.

*And so, here is where this version of the story ends. Harry and most of the people he cares about tied to gravestones in the Little Hangleton churchyard, surrounded by Death Eaters, and singing a cheery song. Good for them. And they all come out fine, in case you were wondering.

SNAPE: Worse things can happen in the Potions lab, you know.

SIRIUS: What have you got to lose? You come from nothing.

DUMBLEDORE: You’re going back to nothing. What have you lost?

HARRY: Nothing!

HAGRID: So cheer up, there, everybody! Give us a grin, c’mon!

FRED: Incidentally…

GEORGE:…A recording of this song is available by owl post.

HERMIONE: I don’t know what this new author was thinking…

HARRY: I know. She’s never going to get her reputation back.

RON: Who do you think would read this rubbish?

HARRY: Dunno. Let’s just finish up.

END