Chapter 60: The Portrait
“Harry…?” Sirius said again.
Harry just stared back at it. It seemed like a realized dream. Something he had secretly never stopped wishing for. He was standing face-to-face with Sirius.
But Harry had never dreamt of the brush-strokes across Sirius’s face. He had not dreamt that he would be two-dimensional. Yes, he wanted to see Sirius smiling at him, and he wanted to hear his voice outside his own head, but he wanted to be able to run up to him and put his arms around him to convince himself that it was real. Harry knew that if he were to touch this Sirius, he would feel only canvas, and nothing more.
“Harry, are you alright?”
It was Lupin who spoke this time. Harry watched as Sirius looked to Lupin for help. Harry He looked a few more moments at the portrait than ripped his eyes away and stormed away, down the hall and into the kitchen. He slammed the door behind him.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” asked Katie, standing up from the table and striding over to him.
“It’s not real!” Harry said.
“Harry, what’s not real?” asked Hermione.
“Sirius!” Harry said, fighting tears now. “He’s not real!”
Katie, Hermione, Ron and Ginny just watched him, stunned and confused. Lupin entered the kitchen.
“Harry, are you alright?” he asked quietly.
“Why would you do that do me?” Harry asked angrily. “Why would you bring me here, to this house “ and then show me THAT?!”
“Harry, I understand why this is difficult for you, but “ ”
“But what? It’s part of the healing process? I’m sick of hearing that! It was you who told me I had to close down my emotions! You and Dumbledore… now you bring me here, and you show me some portrait; some imitation of Sirius and expect me to behave calmly? What? Did you want me to stand there and have a nice chat with him? He’s not real!”
“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?” Lupin shot back.
Harry was silent; he stared at Lupin.
“I’m sorry, Harry,” Lupin said, sitting down. “I didn’t mean to shout. But it’s hard on me too. Every time I come to this place, I fight the urge to go and stand in front of that portrait. But it never works; I always find myself back there again, every single time. And I know it’s not real. I know it “ Harry, don’t think I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry “ I shouldn’t have…”
“You shouldn’t have what? Thought only of yourself? Why should we expect you to take the time to rationally consider everyone else’s thoughts when we put all this on top of you? It’s not your fault, Harry.”
Harry watched sit down, his face in his hands. He thought of the portrait hanging alone in the hallway. He felt sorry for it momentarily, for leaving it there, alone, before reminding himself it wasn’t real.
“Is this really supposed to help though?” Harry asked. “I mean, aren’t we just pretending to ourselves that Sirius is back by going there and talking to a painting? It’s not reality…”
“I know Harry. But we all thought you deserved to know it was here “ especially since it’s your property…”
“So why didn’t anyone tell me before?” Harry asked. “Why wait until now? It’s been almost a year…”
“The portrait is enchanted. It’s somewhat like the Fidelius Charm, only the portrait can reveal itself to you, we were unable to tell you of its existence. The only way for you to know was to bring you here…”
“And I wouldn’t come,” Harry said.
“What’s going on?” Ron asked suddenly. “What are the two of you on about?”
Harry turned to face the others; they all looked incredibly bewildered.
“Weren’t you listening? Sirius has a portrait “ it’s in this house!”
They just stared back at him blankly.
“They won’t understand, Harry… they have to see the portrait for themselves,” Lupin told him.
“Bring them,” said Harry. “Bring them to see it…”
“What about you?” Lupin asked.
“I’ll stay here. I’m not ready to see it again.”
Lupin nodded and brought the other four out into the hall. Harry sat alone in the kitchen.
Harry, for once, almost wished they had kept this secret from him. The portrait was nothing more than torment for him. A few minutes later, the others returned.
“Harry,” Hermione said sitting next to him. “Are you alright?”
“No,” he replied bluntly.
“I would think you’d be pleased…” Hermione said tentatively.
“You don’t understand!”
“Well, perhaps you should explain,” she replied calmly.
“I’ve been fine, I’ve managed to get on with my life, I’d almost gotten over the pain of…”
“His death,” Hermione said. Harry winced slightly.
“Yes,” he said hoarsely. “And now… now there’s this portrait. It’s like part of me, even when I wasn’t thinking about it, part of me was always waiting, waiting for him to come back. And there he is…”
“But it’s not him.” Katie said.
“Yes, it’s not him,” Harry said. “And it’s worse, seeing it there. It’s like bringing it so close I can almost feel it, but I can’t…it’s unbearable. At least before I could just forget it before, but now… it’s just so close…”
“I think it’s clear you haven’t gotten over his death, Harry…” said Katie. “Not at all. You couldn’t even say it.”
“Say what?” asked Harry.
“Death,” said Ron.
“Well, just a minute ago, no. But I’ve mentioned it loads of times…” Harry said.
“Yes, because you repressed all the grief, Harry,” Katie said softly. “Now, all the pain is coming back, and you can’t deal with it because you never dealt with it to begin with. It’s not like the rest of us “ we’ve been able to deal with our loved ones’ deaths naturally, but you never had the chance.”
Katie was right, he knew it. He felt the pain welling up inside him, pain he hadn’t felt since last year. He had spent those months pushing every feeling away, so Voldemort couldn’t get inside his head. Now his mind was safe from Voldemort, but the pain was fresh.
The others were quiet; Harry wasn’t speaking, and nobody knew what else to say to him. A few minutes later, Bill and Charlie entered the kitchen with Libby and Mr. Bell.
“Alright there, Harry?” Bill asked.
Harry nodded.
“I’m assuming you’ve seen…”
“The portrait,” Harry said. “Yeah, I’ve seen it.”
“I’m sorry, Harry “ I know it must be tough…”
Harry didn’t reply. Everyone sat at the table, people were talking but Harry wasn’t listening. He wasn’t even thinking; he was just there. After about a half-an-hour, he stood up and walked towards the door of the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asked Ron.
“I have to go see the portrait,” Harry responded. “Don’t follow me…”
Harry left them, and entered the hall, turning to the end where the portrait hung. He reached the end and looked up at the life-size image of his godfather, who was looking at him thoughtfully.
“Back again?” he asked Harry.
“Yeah…” said Harry.
Harry stood there examining his godfather’s face for a few moments; he studied his dark hair, which had been painted perfectly, as well as his clear gray eyes He looked as he had in the picture of Harry’s parents’ wedding, He fought back the urge to just break down in tears at the pain of it all. He couldn’t bring himself to say another word to the portrait, and Sirius stood there patiently. He was looking at Harry sadly. After a while, he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Harry,” Sirius said. “That I’m not real…”
He sounded just like Harry remembered, but there was something unreal about his voice, reminding Harry again that is was all pretend.
“It’s okay, it’s not your fault…”
“So, who’s the girl with the brown hair?” Sirius asked after another minute.
“Katie Bell. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Nice,” replied Sirius, grinning. Harry smiled. It was something Sirius would say.
“Have you heard about Lupin’s girlfriend?” Harry asked him.
“Yes, met her actually. She joined the Order several months ago. Gorgeous woman, she is. I asked her if she’d like to get painted in here with me… but don’t tell Remus. He seems rather fond of her,” Sirius winked.
Harry smiled again, it wasn’t the same as having Sirius back, and it was painful, but there was some small consolation in it.
“What do you think of the house?” Sirius asked him. “I insisted that they find a way to take down that awful portrait of my mother…”
“It’s alright…”
“Yeah, I still hate the place, too,” Sirius said grimacing, but his face quickly brightened. “But maybe you can make it your own “ create new memories to drive out the old ones… redecorating might be a good idea, also…”
“Yeah, I think I will…” Harry said.
“Harry, I think it’s probably time we leave,” Lupin said. Harry hadn’t even heard him approach.
“Alright,” Harry said, still watching the portrait.
“I’ll see you again, Harry,” Sirius said.
“Yeah, I’ll see you again,” Harry told him. He took a few steps backward, and then tore his eyes away from Sirius’s face. He then turned and followed Lupin, he soon saw that the others were all waiting at the door.
“Are you okay, mate?” Ron asked him, concerned.
“I’m fine,” Harry said throatily. “I’ll be alright…”
They all turned to leave, but Harry stopped.
“Wait,” he said.
Harry rushed back to the portrait. He stopped in front of it, and looked at it for a few seconds. He then brought up his hand to touch the face.
Canvas. Nothing but canvas.