“Names have power,” Professor Trelawney declared in her best mystical voice. She glided around the stifling room as she went on, “Only those that know your true name can wield power over you.”
Harry and Ron were sitting on poofs in the Divination classroom trying desperately to stay awake. They had been in the warm and heavily perfumed room for over an hour and wanted nothing more than to be able to head down to the Great Hall for lunch. At these words, however, Harry sat up straight. He nudged Ron, who grunted, and jerked his head towards the professor. Harry’s meaning was clear - he wanted Ron to listen to what she was saying. Ron shot him a curious look, but sat up too and began to pay attention.
“In many Transfiguration spells, for example, you must know the subject’s complete given name for them to work properly. This does not concern us, however. What we are interested in are the letters that make up one’s name. When one rearranges the letters of one’s name, the words created provide an insight into the future.” She blinked and peered down at Pavarti. “What’s your full name, dear?” she asked.
“Pavarti Shyla Patil,” said Pavarti. “That’s Shyla with a Y. It means ‘daughter of the mountain goddess’ in Hindi.”
“How lovely,” murmured Professor Trelawney as she spelled it in the air with her wand. This reminded Harry of something, but he couldn’t place it at the moment. When Trelawney gave a little flick, the letters rearranged themselves to read, “Apathy April Vitals.”
“How interesting. This indicates that you do not care for the springtime when the earth renews itself and living things begin to grow once more. Instead you pine for quiet days of autumn when the world drifts into slumber.”
Pavarti stared at her with wide, round eyes. “Professor, that’s true! I never thought about it before, but that’s completely true!”
Trelawney gave another little flick and the letters rearranged themselves again, this time to spell “Travail Happy Tails.” Harry sniggered, thinking of the old western shows that Dudley used to watch on television. “Try to decipher this one on your own, dear,” suggested Professor Trelawney.
Pavarti concentrated. “Well,” she said, “travail means to work hard, right?”
Professor Trelawney nodded.
“So, if I work hard, I will be happy. Hmmm. Tails… Oh, I’ve got it! If I work hard with animals then I will be happy! I need to find a job where I can work with animals!”
“Excellent, my dear. Ten points to Gryffindor.”
Pavarti beamed.
“Do mine, Professor. Please!” begged Lavender suddenly.
“Actually, I would like you all to pair up and work on your partner’s names for homework. I will need a list of at least ten name combinations followed by your interpretations of their meanings. You can use proper names and even create new ones, but they must be accompanied by an interpretation.”
***
That evening, in the Gryffindor common room, Ron turned towards Harry who was staring out the window with an odd look on his face. “You all right, mate?” Ron asked.
Harry looked back, mentally shaking himself. “Yeah, just thinking…” he said. “What do you make of the Divination assignment?”
Ron laughed. “Completely mental, as usual. Might as well get started, though. So, what’s your full name?”
“Harry James Potter,” said Harry.
“Harry isn’t short for anything, like Harold?”
“No,” said Harry firmly. “Just Harry. What’s yours?”
Ron frowned and said, “Ronald Bilius Weasley.”
Harry raised an eyebrow. “Bilius?”
“It was my uncle’s name. You got a problem with that?”
Harry shook his head, smiled, and wrote Ron’s whole name at the top of his paper. Ron wrote down Harry’s. They pulled out their dictionaries and got to work.
Within minutes, both boys were howling with laughter. Ron’s face was crimson as he showed Harry his parchment. Written below Harry’s name was:
Hermes Rattrap Joy
Major Rest Therapy
Steamer Jar Trophy
Major Pastry There
Hamster Jar Poetry
Ron eventually managed to say, “Well, mate, apparently you’ll experience great joy with Percy’s filthy owl, be hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, and,” he poked Harry in the stomach, “have some major pastry there.”
“That prediction must be meant for you,” retorted Harry as he pushed his paper across the table. Below Ron’s name was:
Illaudable Rosy Swine
Loyal Dueler Wins Bias
Adorable Unwise Silly
Seriously Wine Ballad
Nile Uses Willy Abroad
Imitating Professor Trelawney’s most mystical voice, Harry trilled, “I sense that girls think you’re cute but stupid. When you’re embarrassed you’ll blush like a pig. And you should avoid people named Willy when you’re traveling.” Harry’s voice returned to normal. “At least one of them is true anyway.” He pointed to the second anagram and Ron blushed.
“What on earth is going on over here?” asked Hermione as she stalked over to their table. “Some of us are trying to concentrate on our Arithmancy homework!”
Harry pointed to Ron’s paper. Hermione gave him a scornful look but glanced at the paper. A few seconds later she had covered her mouth with her hand, but not before a giggle escaped. “What’s this for?” she asked.
“Divination,” said Harry. “We’re supposed to be able to tell the future by rearranging the letters in our names.”
Hermione thought for a moment. “Why does that sound so familiar? I must have read it somewhere…”
“Never mind that,” said Ron with a grin. “Let’s do yours, Hermione. What’s your middle name?”
“Oh for goodness sakes, Ron. I’m not going to tell you my middle name.”
“Come on, we can’t do it without your middle name,” he wheedled. “It can’t be that bad. I mean, Hermione is a beautiful name.”
It was Hermione’s turn to blush. “Well, I don’t like it and I won’t tell you,” she finally said.
Ron frowned. “Oy, Ginny!” he yelled.
Ginny looked up from her chair near the fire and walked to where the other three were sitting.
“What do you want? I’m busy,” she said.
“What’s Hermione’s middle name?”
Ginny looked at Hermione who shook her head.
“Well, if she doesn’t want to tell you, I certainly can’t. Some people respect their friend’s wishes,” said Ginny. Hermione gave her a faint smile.
“Tosh,” said Ron. “Come on, Hermione, please. I promise I won’t laugh or make fun of you.”
“Please, Hermione,” added Harry. “We could learn something important about your future!”
“Oh, very well,” sighed Hermione. She raised her wand and scribbled in the air. “Hermione Jane Granger” was spelled out in shining silver letters.
Ron looked at Hermione. “What’s wrong with that name? I think it’s lovely. I mean it’s a lot of vowels to use...” His voice drifted off as he looked down at his parchment, lost in thought. A moment passed before he blurted out, “Hey, I can spell ‘marriage’!” Then he blanched as he realized what he had just said.
In the meantime, Harry was ignoring Ron and staring at the letters hanging in the air. He glanced over to see Ginny looking at him and something clicked into place. “VOLDEMORT!” he yelled.
Ron, Ginny, and Hermione spun around, their wands at the ready. When they didn’t see anything behind them, they turned back. Harry could see that Hermione’s face was hard and Ginny’s mouth was open in a horrified “O”.
“Bloody hell, Harry!” screamed Ron. “What was that for? You scared me half to death! Who do you think you are, Moody?”
“I’m sorry!” wailed Harry. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just remembered something that’s been bothering me all day. When I saw Hermione write her name in the air I finally figured it out. Ginny, you wouldn’t remember this because you were unconscious, but when I went down to the Chamber of Secrets to find you, Tom Riddle took my wand and did the same spell. He wrote out his full name, “Tom Marvolo Riddle” and rearranged it to say, “I am Lord Voldemort.”
“I remember you telling us that,” whispered Hermione.
“Yeah,” said Ron. “But what about it?”
“Don’t you see,” said Harry, excitedly. “This means that Voldemort must have had to do this assignment for Divination when he went to Hogwarts. He even told me in the Chamber that he had started using his new name in his 6th year. How could I have been so stupid? He actually said, ‘Lord Voldemort is my past, present, and FUTURE’!”
“So what?”
“Well, either this assignment isn’t total rubbish and you can actually predict people’s futures from the letters of their names…” began Harry.
Hermione scoffed.
“Or, it is rubbish, but Tom Riddle believed that it wasn’t and crafted his future to match his ‘prediction’. If that’s the case, then maybe we could find out other things about him by rearranging the letters of his name. Trelawney even said that if you know a person’s name you have power over them and I bet only a few people know what his real name is.”
“I normally wouldn’t believe a word that Trelawney said, but I heard Professor McGonagall say the same thing last year,” Hermione added. “I don’t know if there’s anything to your idea, Harry, but it’s worth a try.”
Ginny and Ron nodded, pulled out clean pieces of parchment, and got to work. Harry and Hermione exchanged shrugs and did the same.
Six minutes later, Hermione sighed and laid down her quill. “Harry, I don’t know about this. I’m not getting anything serious.”
Ginny grinned. “Me neither. What did you get that wasn’t serious?”
“Well…” Hermione hesitated. “It won’t help us much but it is kind of funny. I’ve got ‘Lord, Avoid Trommel,’ whoever he is and, ‘Delta Milord Vroom’. Maybe if we can find out who this Trommel person is…”
“I think that you might be on the wrong track, Hermione. What do you think of this?” asked Harry. “I got ‘Dove Lord Immortal’ and ‘Orville Doormat, MD’.”
“So he’s the pigeon king,” chuckled Ron.
“...Or chocolate king,” added Hermione with a smirk. Ginny looked confused. “Chocolate frogs are nothing compared to a dark chocolate Dove bar,” said Hermione longingly.
“Anyway,” interrupted Ron, “What’s an MD?”
“That’s a Muggle Healer. It’s short for Medical Doctor,” explained Hermione.
“So Riddle could have chosen to be the most evil wizard of all time or a healer named Doormat?” mused Ron. “I’d have chosen the evil overlord too.”
Harry laughed. “All right then, if you’re so smart. What did you get?”
Ron pushed his parchment towards him. Harry looked down at it and laughed again. “Mind in the gutter, I see,” he said.
“What is it?” asked Ginny.
Ron looked embarrassed, but read off the paper, “Well, I got ‘Lord Earldom Vomit,’ and ‘Dammit, Drool Lover’.”
The two girls caught each other’s eyes and started to laugh. Harry joined them a second later. Ron only looked dispirited. Attempting to cover his embarrassment, he said, “Fine. What did you come up with, Ginny?”
Ginny looked up at him with tears streaming out of her eyes. “You really want to know?” she said.
“That’s why I asked,” he responded.
“Alright,” said Ginny matter-of-factly. She pulled out her wand and waved it in the air. The words “Tom Marvolo Riddle” appeared. She flicked her wand and the letters rearranged themselves to spell, “Immortal Love Rodd.”
This time there was no hesitation. All four of them started screaming with laughter. Every time they began to slow down, someone would shout “Love Rodd” and they’d start laughing again. Harry laughed until his sides ached. When he could finally breathe again he looked at his watch. “Hey guys, it’s late. We need to get to bed.”
The four picked up their things, still giggling, and headed up to their dormitories.
***
“Wormtail!” spat a furious, high-pitched voice that Harry heard coming from his own mouth. “You have failed me once more.”
A small, balding man with a metal arm was cowering at Harry’s feet, which suddenly seemed to be too far away. The man crawled forward a few inches and touched the bottom of Harry’s robes before saying, “I’m sorry, my lord. There was nothing I could do. Shacklebolt and Moody were already there with at least a dozen others.”
“I do not care,” said Harry’s weird new voice. “It would have been better for you to die at their hands than to return to me without completing your task.”
“Please, my lord…” begged the man.
“That’s right,” interrupted Harry. “I am your lord. Have you forgotten? I am Lord Voldemort!”
Harry laughed, remembering “Immortal Love Rodd,” but he quickly clapped his hands over his mouth to stop himself. The man on the floor stared up at him in horror.
The man whose body Harry currently seemed to be inhabiting understood immediately what was going on. He lowered his hands from where Harry had moved them and Harry heard himself speak, “Think my name is funny, boy?”
Harry concentrated on moving his mouth. He had never before operated someone else’s body, but after a moment, he smiled and in a softer voice much more like his own, he said, “Yes, I do.”
Instantly, Harry felt an intense rage course through him, but after a brief struggle he realized that the anger wasn’t coming from his own feelings, and he was able to shrug it off. Then, without warning, he felt a huge mental push, a rushing sensation, and abruptly found himself sitting up in his own bed with the blankets knotted around his pajama-clad knees.
Ron was looking down at him concernedly. “Are you alright, Harry?” he said. “Your voice went really high and you were talking about You-Know-Who. Then you…laughed. What happened? Another dream?”
Harry rubbed his scar absent-mindedly before realizing that it didn’t hurt. He felt slightly shaken, but nothing worse than that. He stared at Ron. “I was Voldemort again and I was yelling at Wormtail. But then I shouted ‘I am Lord Voldemort!’.”
Ron chuckled weakly.
Harry said, “That’s exactly what I did. I laughed. But that made him realize I was in his head. He asked me if I thought his name was funny and I said ‘Yes, I do.’.”
Ron’s eyes widened in shock. “You said that? With his mouth? You took over Voldemort’s body and insulted him with his own mouth?!?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” said Harry with a faint smile.
“Come on, Harry, this is serious. Get your invisibility cloak. We have to go talk to Dumbledore right now.”
***
“Master, are you alright?” asked the man called Wormtail. “You don’t seem to be yourself.”
“Of course I wasn’t myself. I was Potter,” he spat back.
Wormtail looked frightened. “I didn’t see Potter, my lord,” he finally said, hesitantly.
“He possessed me,” hissed Voldemort. “He actually dared to take control of my body.”
“Master, I…” Wormtail began.
“Silence, fool! Leave now and fetch me Bellatrix. Do not return without her.”
“Yes, lord. I live to serve!” cried Wormtail as he gratefully scampered out of the room.
Voldemort took a few steps forward and sank into a hard backed chair near the edge of the room. His snake, Nagini, slithered forward and he stroked her head absently while he was lost in thought.
About ten minutes later, Wormtail returned with the woman named Bellatrix. She was a tall woman with long, black hair who had once been very beautiful and was now just very dangerous.
“You summoned me, my lord?” she whispered as she knelt at his feet.
The gaunt figure looked down at her. “It has come to my attention that Harry Potter finds my name amusing.”
Bellatrix looked scandalized. “I have heard him utter it with his unworthy tongue, lord,” she said, “But I did not realize that he found it funny. How dare he!”
“He will be ceaselessly punished for this further transgression, Bella. In the meantime, however, I find that his amusement has a rather annoying side-effect. When he laughs at my name, he temporarily reduces some of my powers. This is the means by which he was able to possess me earlier.”
Upon hearing this, Wormtail’s eyes widened in surprise and he looked studiously at the floor. Bellatrix gasped and gazed into the harsh red eyes of her master.
“Lord,” she said, “What can we do to prevent this from occurring again?”
“That is why I have called you here. I wish for you to find me a new name. One so intimidating that Potter would not dare to toy with it.”
“I understand, master,” said Bellatrix. “Do you wish me to try and use the letters of your true name?”
The phrase ‘Immortal Love Rodd’ jumped suddenly into Voldemort’s mind. He snarled. “I have the feeling that would not be likely to intimidate any longer,” he said coldly.
“Perhaps you could use the name of another powerful dark wizard? Like Mordred or Rasputin? There was even that Muggle, Hitler, who killed fifteen million other Muggles for not being pure-bloods.”
“As commendable as his actions undoubtedly were, Lord Voldemort does not need to rely upon the reputations of fools who ultimately failed,” he whispered dangerously.
“Of course not, my lord,” answered Bellatrix, her eyes fearfully flicking to the wand casually held in his right hand. She thought desperately. “How about the name of your honored, pure-blood grandfather, Marvolo, direct descendant of the noble Salazar Slytherin?”
Voldemort pondered this for a moment before rejecting it. “Potter could use that. He’d try to make me sound like a third-rate Muggle magician “ The Great Marvolo!” He laughed bitterly.
Bellatrix lowered her heavy-lidded eyes to the floor. “A larger concept then, master? Why not be the devil? Satan, the scourge of England, Europe, and the world. Or better yet, be known as death. Simply Death!”
Voldemort considered this carefully for some time. Eventually he said, “As appealing as that is, I think not. It would not be unspeakable, for people must and will speak of it everyday, thereby reducing my efficacy in fear.”
“My lord,” said Wormtail, startling Bellatrix who had forgotten he was even there. “I may have a solution for you.”
“Speak it then,” said Voldemort impatiently.
“I know you wish for a name that must not be spoken, in order to preserve your considerable powers. Just as those in fear of you now call you ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’. But when you tell fools like Potter that they must not do a thing, they rebel and do it at once. Why don’t you choose a name that can not be spoken. Then you would be He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Named and Potter won’t have anything to amuse himself with.”
Voldemort looked at Wormtail as if he had never seen him before. “I am pleasantly surprised, Wormtail. I find that you can be cunning after all.”
Wormtail flushed with pleasure.
“What kind of name did you have in mind, then? Something in another language? Something unpronounceable in Mermish, perhaps?”
“Actually, my lord, I recall the case of a Muggle singer who had to change his name a few years ago due to legal concerns. His chosen new name was an unpronounceable symbol that looked something like an Egyptian ankh.”
“A symbol, you say,” said Voldemort thoughtfully. “That could work. That could work very well.”
Bellatrix shot the gloating Wormtail a venomous glance before turning back to her master.
“The Dark Mark, my lord,” she murmured. “Why not use the already feared symbol of our organization? Baby Potter will be able to make nothing of that, and we can still call you the Dark Lord.” She held out her left arm to show to Voldemort.
“Very well,” said Voldemort slowly. “Henceforth I shall be known as…” he waived his wand, “Morsmordre!”
Green sparks shot out of the end of his wand and formed the shape of a skull with a snake coming from its mouth. Wormtail clapped excitedly.
“We must now notify the others,” said Voldemort as he reached down to press the dark mark burned into Bellatrix’s skin. She screamed in pain as Death Eaters began to apparate into the room.
***
Dumbledore peered over his half-moon spectacles at Harry and Ron who were sitting in his office wearing their pajamas. “So if I understand you correctly, Harry,” he said “you were briefly able to control Voldemort’s body after you laughed at his name.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Harry. A small smile played around the corners of his mouth.
Dumbledore sat back and steepled his fingers. “The fact that you could break through his mental defenses at all is quite shocking. After he found out last year that you could do it subconsciously he must have prepared for this kind of eventuality. You say he was yelling at Wormtail when you arrived?”
Harry nodded.
“Perhaps his anger decreased his mental barrier just enough for you to penetrate into his mind and your appropriation of his name was a large enough blow to his power to permit your control of his body as well. Fortunately you are protected from a similar take-over assault while you remain at Hogwarts. All he can send you are dreams and not even those if you practice your Occlumency.”
Harry and Ron both looked relieved.
“But, and this is important, Harry, you say that your scar did not hurt when you returned to your bed and Mr. Weasley here?”
“That’s right, sir,” said Harry. “Not even a twinge. I was expecting it to hurt, but it didn’t.”
Dumbledore looked triumphant. “Then it is laughter that has the power to weaken him, Harry. I expect he now realizes this and will try to change his name and perhaps his entire identity. If this happens again, you must find a way to continue to laugh at him.”
“I understand, sir,” exclaimed Harry seriously. He moved to stand up.
“One moment more, Harry…” said Dumbledore.
Harry sat back in his seat.
“Can you tell me why you suddenly found his name so amusing?”
Harry and Ron looked at each other and burst out laughing. Dumbledore smiled and waited.
“Well, sir…” began Ron, looking at Harry for support.
“We discovered that if you rearranged the letters in Tom Riddle’s name…” started Harry.
“…Like he did himself to create ‘I am Lord Voldemort’…” continued Ron.
“…You could spell ‘Immortal Love Rodd’,” finished Harry. His face flushed.
Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “Or ‘Mild Leotard Vroom’,” he added with a wink.
***
The next day was a Saturday and it dawned clear and cool. It was perfect weather for a Hogsmeade trip.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way down the path leading to the village and Harry told Hermione what had happened in the night.
Hermione said, “And Dumbledore thinks that laughter is the key to all of this? It can’t be that simple. I mean we learned how to use the Riddikulus spell in third year.”
“It makes sense, though,” said Harry gravely. “When I see a boggart, it turns into a dementor because what I’m most afraid of is fear itself, according to Professor Lupin. Well, Voldemort uses that against people. He made his name unspeakable and now people are more afraid of his name than of him. So he’s vulnerable there. If laughing defeats a boggart because it takes away our fear, then laughing should also take away our fear of Voldemort and with it a lot of his power over us.”
Hermione looked thoughtful. Ron looked stunned.
“You could be right, you know,” said Hermione finally.
“Wow, mate,” said Ron, “you’re smarter than you look!” They all laughed.
Suddenly, the friends heard three loud bangs off to the left of the path. It was the sound of wizards apparating. Harry, Ron, and Hermione pulled their wands out and stood back-to-back. Harry was the first to see who was coming. It was Voldemort followed by Bellatrix Lestrange and Wormtail. He snarled.
“Back for more, Voldemort?” yelled Harry.
Bellatrix looked furious, Ron and Hermione, determined. Harry glanced at Bellatrix and Wormtail before turning back to their leader.
“I’m sorry. Did I embarrass you in front of your little friends?”
“I am not here to kill you, yet,” said He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named. “I choose instead to reveal to you my new identity. I will allow you to spend the few remaining days of your life in complete and utter fear. Morsmordre!”
As before, the Dark Mark curled out of his wand and appeared in the sky. Harry stared at it uncomprehendingly.
“Your new name is Dark Mark?”
Ron sniggered. “I know a guy named Mark, but he’s kinda pale. Like you are.”
“It clearly amuses you to play the fool,” said the Dark Lord, “but my name is the symbol itself. You cannot pronounce it, therefore you cannot corrupt it.”
“…name is the symbol…” muttered Hermione. A thought struck her. “What, like Prince?” She started laughing. “What are we supposed to call you, ‘The Wizard Formerly Known As He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’?”
No one understood what she was talking about. The Death Eaters just glared at her. She tried to get control of herself but found herself giggling occasionally.
Harry raised his wand and pointed it at the Dark Mark.
“You cannot possibly have the power to alter my symbol,” hissed the formerly-known-as-Voldemort.
“Riddikulus!” shouted Harry. Instantly the snake protruding from the skull’s mouth changed from green sparks to bright red. Its form also shifted slightly until it looked like…
“A candy cane?” said Ron, a grinning spreading over his face. “A skull eating a candy cane?” He started to shriek with laughter. Harry and Hermione joined in a moment later.
The Dark Lord looked murderous. He stared at the laughing teens and felt his power start to ebb. More furious than ever, he raised his wand, pointed it at Harry’s heart, and began, “Avada…
But, just at that moment, loud pops were coming from all over the clearing. First was Dumbledore, followed by McGonagall, Moody, Shacklebolt, Tonks, Lupin, and half a dozen others.
He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named gauged his odds and scowled. “I see your protectors have shown up again. Next time you will not be so lucky, Potter.” A second later he, Bellatrix, and Wormtail had disapparated.
Dumbledore looked at Harry and his friends to verify they were all right. Then he looked into the sky and began to chuckle. “I saw the Dark Mark,” he explained. “I summoned the others and came at once. I must admit though, I certainly wasn’t expecting to find three unharmed and laughing teenagers beneath it. I am really quite pleased.”
The other adults looked up at the candy eating skull and started to laugh as well. Harry merely grinned and said, “And I owe it all to Ginny’s ‘Immortal Love Rodd’.”