A/N: A question, dear readers. Have you ever gotten a magazine that was so full of those little inserts that tell you to subscribe to every other magazine put out by your magazine’s publisher that you can’t turn the pages of your magazine and so in frustration you shake your magazine until all those little inserts are gone and your magazine is now about half as thick as it was to start with? Nah, it hasn’t happened to me either. I have gotten magazines with one or two inserts that prevent me from reading the page I’m on or turning the page successfully, but since I’m neurotic I have to put them back in where I found them.
Anyway, since this author’s note is threatening to consume us all, I will jump to our sponsors. This chappie was sponsored by really cheap Super-sized drinks and some new music I got that I have added to my awesome playlist of greatness. If I ever do take over the world, it will be with that list.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in their usual squashy armchairs by the fire in the Gryffindor common room, reading. They had been doing homework, but after Hermione had insisted that they go over their Transfiguration essays again Ron and Harry had both threatened to set fire to the table in protest.
So they were reading instead. Each had a periodical in their hands; Ron was reading People Caught in Fingertaps Monthly, Harry was checking out Penguins with Paper Bags Over Their Heads Weekly, and Hermione was perusing Intelligent Duct Tape Talk. All three were looking quite content with their magazines, and in fact they had gotten quite far into them when Hermione suddenly looked puzzled and stared at the cover of hers.
Harry glanced up from the article he was reading. “All right there, Hermione?” he asked.
Hermione didn’t answer. She just kept staring at the cover. Then she suddenly gasped and shouted at the other two, “Put those magazines down!” She ripped said magazines out of the boys’ hands and threw them on the table.
“Hey, I was reading that!” protested Ron. “I was in the middle of an article about the best ways to get fingertraps off!”
“Don’t you think,” said Hermione, pulling her wand out of her pocket, “that it’s a bit too convenient for these magazines to be here? I mean, have you ever heard of such ridiculous titles?”
“But they’re perfect for us!” said Harry.
“A bit too perfect. Have you ever met another penguin with a paper bag over their head?”
“Er, no…”
“Exactly. And as far as I know, Hogwarts doesn’t take any magazines, much less puts them out for students. I think these were planted here.”
“How?” asked Ron incredulously.
“I think it was the Power of Suggestion.”
Harry and Ron groaned. “Are you still on about that?” asked Ron. “It’s totally random, Hermione! You make it sound like it’s stalking us.”
“It might be,” said Hermione conspiratorially. “After all, a lot of the strange occurrences around here have happened to us or involved us somehow. I don’t think the spell’s random at all; it just seems that way. Whoever cast the spell could be after us.”
“Uh, Hermione?” interjected Harry. “It’s a random spell. No one casts it.”
“Are you sure about that? Look at the magazines again.”
Harry and Ron looked at the table and their jaws dropped. The magazines had changed. The pictures on the front were different, and the titles had changed to Quirky Side Characters Insider. The trio watched as Seamus and Dean wandered up and picked up a couple of copies. Harry and Ron continued to look amazed as Neville came over and rifled through the stack until he found one magazine called Monkey Managers and Royalty. One of the article blurbs on the cover read, “101 tips to keep your minions happy!”
“Buh?” said Harry.
“You see?” Hermione gave them a triumphant look. “I’m right, I know it! I found some books in the library describing the Power of Suggestion, they all say it’s a pointlessly chaotic spell that is only cast to wreak havoc and annoy everyone it comes in contact with.”
“That sounds like Dark magic, that does,” said Ron.
“Oh it’s not Dark,” explained Hermione, “it’s just stupid. The only people who cast it are usually as strange as the spell. And I think I know who that might be.”
“Who?” gasped Harry and Ron.
“I’ll give you a hint: who else has been most affected by the spell?”
“Well,” said Harry, thinking. “Snape, but…” His eyes suddenly widened. “You think-?”
“I do,” said Hermione grimly.
“Wait, who?” asked Ron.
“Honestly, Ron, don’t be so thick.” Ron still looked confused, so Hermione sighed and said, “Look, just come with us. Unless you want to stay with them?” She gestured to the others in common room. Most everyone had a magazine, though they weren’t reading them, more staring at them with glazed expressions and drool running down their faces.
“Er, no, I’ll come with you guys,” said Ron quickly.
Meanwhile, Snape (oh come on, you didn’t think I’d forget about him?) was sitting in his office, reading. He had been grading homework, but it got so tedious that he was about to set fire to his desk when he saw the magazine. He was now enjoying a periodical entitled Potion Aficionados and Dark Arts Enthusiasts Magazine. He was glancing through and found a rather interesting article about a potion that, when it was done, melted through the cauldron it was in and took on sentient life, oozing along the floor and sucking off the little plastic casings from the tips of people’s shoelaces (those are called aglets, in case you were wondering).
Snape was looking for the instructions to make this potion when something struck him as odd. He glanced back at the cover. Potion Aficionados and Dark Arts Enthusiasts Magazine. He’d heard of Potion Aficionados Magazine, he’d heard of Dark Arts Enthusiasts Magazine (he actually subscribed to both), but he didn’t think they’d combined.
It was as he was thinking this over when something in the picture on the cover caught his attention. The picture was of a sinister looking wizard in a dark room stirring a cauldron, the contents of which were glowing menacingly. The sinister looking wizard would occasionally throw his head back and cackle soundlessly (it’s a picture after all, they don’t make noise). There was one instance where the wizard was laughing when Snape caught a quick glimpse at a second face. The face had a hand by it that was wriggling its fingers in a wave; the face itself had a very obnoxious, very familiar grin, almost as sinister as the other guy on the cover had.
Snape frowned at the cover for a minute, then set the magazine down and stalked out of his office, heading upstairs.
“If we hurry, we might catch him,” Hermione was saying, having conveniently just finished explaining a major plot point so that I may keep you, dear readers, hooked in hopes that I might reiterate said plot point.
“But I still don’t understand,” said Ron, jogging along with the other two. “Why would he do something like this? He seemed alright enough.”
“Well, yeah, to start with,” said Harry. “But didn’t you notice how nasty he’d gotten? I didn’t think I’d hate someone who was so nasty to Snape, but he did turn me into a penguin. For that, he’s going down.”
The trio was just tearing around a corner when they saw someone else stalking towards them. It was, of course, Snape. Who else stalks around the castle on a regular basis? Anyway, the four of them met in front of a closed door.
“I should’ve guessed you three would have figured it out,” said Snape. “Or would it be more accurate to say Granger figured it out and Potter and Weasley are just along for the ride?”
“Hey!” Harry and Ron objected.
“Well, it’s true,” said Hermione. “Professor, we know who’s behind the Power of Suggestion, we were just about to-“
“To what? Confront him yourselves?” Snape smirked and shook his head. “You three would get beaten rather soundly. Take it from someone who dueled him before.” He turned and opened the door.
The four of them entered the room, wands drawn. Nobody else was inside. Half a jar of Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Beans was on top of a shelf. Some papers were lying out on the desk. As they approached the desk, Snape glanced down at the papers.
There was a magazine there. On one page a crossword puzzle was partially filled out. On the opposite page a hand drawn picture depicted a penguin, whose head was exploding. A wide mouthed figure in a fingertrap was standing next to the penguin. The caption under the picture read, “One day Harry Potter and his friend Ron Weasley were walking down the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, when suddenly Harry's head exploded. Ron said, "OMG!"
“There’s a giant hole under the desk!” Hermione announced. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before!”
“Why’s that?” asked Ron.
“Well, it kind of sticks out the front,” said Harry, pointing. A rather obvious gaping pit opened up under the desk so widely that it was a miracle the desk itself didn’t fall in.
“He must have escaped down there,” said Hermione pensively.
“And you want us to follow him,” said Harry, guessing the obvious.
“Why do we always end up sliding down dark holes?” asked Ron.
“Well let’s go then,” said Hermione. “Professor?”
“Women and children first,” said Snape without looking up from the desk.
The trio exchanged glances, then slid down the hole one after the other.
Snape, in his examination of the desk, found a rather interesting note half-hidden under the magazine and a couple other pieces of parchment. Reading it, Snape smirked humorlessly. He then slid it into a pocket of his robes and followed the trio down the hole.
This is what the note said:
Arbitrare’s Enemies List
1. Snape. Snarky git. I’ll get him one of these days…
2. The trio (Harry, Ron, and Hermione). I’ll get them too, since they’re so hideously suspicious.
3. McGonagall. Put me in detention, will you?
4. The National Quidditch League. They’ll get off the list when they give me my money back.
5. Dumbledore. Making me promise to behave… If he hadn’t Snape would be long gone.
6. The Weird Sisters. Just because I pointed out they’re men they don’t have to ban me from all their venues.
7. Cabbage. Just, eww.
Well, it’s not ten, but that just goes to prove I’m that much nicer than Snape.
*Gasp!* The end of chappie twelve! And now we know… Send your opinions, onions, positions, petitions, plebeians, and other feelings by way of reviews! In case you were wondering, the word “magazine,” or close variations thereof, occurs twenty-six times, including author’s notes and the title. And kudos to my brother/beta-tester for the caption in Arbitrare’s magazine (twenty-seven).