A/N: Dun dun DUN! It’s chappie thirteen! Oooooh… *Thunder and lightning* If you are triskadecaphobic, claustrophobic, or whatever phobia is being afraid of the dark, please take several deep breaths now. I don’t really need any twitching in the aisles while you’re reading this (think of the lawsuits!). Oh, and if you’re allergic to plotlines manifesting themselves, please take an anti-histamine now.
Anyway, this chapter was sponsored by minty fresh gum and a CD I bought last week and haven’t found the time to listen to until I was writing this (it is now on my fantastic playlist). Enjoy!
“AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ron really was never a fan of sliding down dark tunnels. Giant snakes do that to you.
“SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!”
Hermione wasn’t faring much better than Ron. Having one arm inoperable really did make sliding down dark tunnels awkward.
“QUAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Harry, in contrast, was having a blast. His penguin instincts had taken over, and as we all know penguins are very talented at sliding.
“Left…right…another left…another left, what is it with lefts? I’ll bet we come out in the Charms wing…”
Snape lives in the dungeons. He’s been eaten by a Crumple Horned Snorkack. There is no way he’s afraid of dark tunnels. The man is taking notes, for crying out loud.
They slid along for a while longer, and then they started slowing down. They were going up.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Ron called out. He ran into a wall for an answer. Then Hermione smashed into him, followed closely by Harry. “Ouch…”
“Where are we? Why’d we stop?” said Harry.
“I suspect,” said Snape, lighting his wand, “We’ve hit a dead end.”
“When did he get here?!”
“Right after you. I just have the sense to not run headlong into walls.”
Before Harry could retaliate, Ron said, “Where do we go from here? I don’t see anyway out.”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Look up, Ron.”
He did as instructed, and saw a circle of light far overhead. “Oh. Well, how do we reach it?”
“The ladder.”
“What ladder?” He looked at the wall he ran into and saw a ladder there. “Oh. Stop making me look stupid, Hermione.”
“I would if it weren’t so easy to do.”
“Hey-“
“Anyway,” said Harry loudly before the other two could start arguing, “I’m voting we go up the ladder.” And he started climbing. Ron and Hermione followed, scowling at each other. Snape wondered how the three of them had managed to not kill each other over the years, and climbed after them.
Harry reached the top of the ladder and cautiously poked his head out of the hole. He’d stuck his head into a Charms lesson. The hole was covered with the pile of cushions used when practicing Summoning and Banishing Charms.
“Hey,” he whispered down into the hole, knocking off the cushion that had been perched on top of his head. “Check this out!”
Ron and Hermione reached the top of the ladder too, and looked out.
“Blimey,” said Ron.
“Do you realize we could be disrupting class?” Hermione said. “Think of the consequences!”
“No one seems to have noticed us,” said Harry.
Snape appeared behind them. “Are you going to leave the hole, or are we having too much fun gawking?”
“How many people can fit on this ladder?” asked Ron incredulously.
“I suspect several more,” answered Snape, irritated. “Now, move.”
“But we can’t interrupt class…” said Hermione, sounding nervous.
“What part of ‘move’ don’t you three understand?”
“Alright, don’t get your cloak in a bunch,” said Harry.
“Five points from Gryffindor. And if you don’t move in the next two seconds, it will be fifty.”
“Isn’t that line a rip-off of one he had in book three?” whispered Ron to Harry as they stepped off the ladder and started wading through cushions.
“Book three?”
“Er, sorry, year three.”
“Probably. I’ve personally stopped listening to what Snape says.”
“Well, you should listen,” Hermione butted in. “Never mind the fact that he’s a teacher, but he’s vicariously saved all of our necks about eight times over the years.”
“Huh?” said Ron.
“He’s never saved us from anything!” said Harry.
“I said vicariously. Like how Expelliarmus saved you from Voldemort, and the first time you heard the spell was when Snape used it?”
Harry paused, his mouth open. “That doesn’t count.”
“I said vicariously!”
“What does that even mean?” asked Ron.
“Again, what part of ‘move’ don’t you three understand?” Snape had his wand out now.
“We’re moving,” said Hermione, shoving Harry and Ron.
The trio moved as stealthily as they could. This didn’t really work, as ducking behind desks in a commando-like fashion made them rather conspicuous. Snape rubbed his temple and swept after them.
“Um, hello?” squeaked Flitwick from the front of the room.
Snape turned. “Excuse us, Filius. The dream team’s on a vengeance strike and need an escort.”
“If you mean they’re after Arbitrare, good for them. He just passed through here and glued my hat to my head.”
“I see. There’s some solvent in my desk, if you need it. It might also interest you to know that there is a large hole in your floor under the cushion pile.”
“I know, and I can’t do a thing about it. It’s a plot hole.”
“That explains a lot,” mused Snape as he followed the trio out of the room.
The Charms corridor was deserted. Harry was looking left, Ron was looking right, and Hermione was looking both ways.
“There’s nothing here,” said Harry.
“Nothing this way, either,” said Ron.
“Arbitrare had to have come this way,” said Hermione. “So where is he?”
Snape sighed. “Try looking straight ahead.”
The other three looked at the wall opposite. There was a large neon sign reading, “To Get To Secret Hideout: Stand Here!” Below that was an arrow pointing at the floor.
“Oh. Right,” said Ron. “I’m getting tired of looking stupid.”
“But it comes so naturally to you.” Snape smirked, then started off down the hall.
“Where are you going?” asked Harry rudely.
Snape turned. “For backup.” Then he was gone.
The trio stared after him. “What a git,” Ron finally said.
“No one agrees with you more than me,” said Harry. “Anyway, ignoring the pointless cryptic comments, what’s with the sign?”
“Well, mate, I’d guess we stand here.” Ron stepped resolutely up to the spot of floor under the sign.
“I’d figured that much out,” Harry snapped back, standing on the spot, too.
“But why do we stand here?” asked Hermione. She pulled out her wand and started tapping the wall and sign with it.
“I dunno,” said Ron. They stood there, Ron trying to tug his fingers out of the fingertrap, Harry adjusting the bag over his head, and Hermione looking at the wall with a puzzled expression. Then the floor opened up and they fell into another hole.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
They slid further and further, faster and faster, then landed with a thud in a tangled heap on a cold stone floor.
“No more dark tunnels!” yelled Ron from the floor. “I’m officially sick and tired of slipping and sliding with no free hands to brace myself and landing with resounding thuds and thumps! My spine won’t stand for it! Who’s with me?!”
“I would be, but your foot’s in my face,” Harry said in a muffled voice.
“I’ll second as soon as you get your pinky out of my eye,” said Hermione.
“Oh, sorry.” The three of them struggled to pull themselves apart. Eventually, they all were standing and brushing themselves off.
“So where are we?” asked Harry, looking around.
“It looks like one of the dungeons,” said Hermione. Sure enough, they were in one of the dark, dank rooms in the basement of the school. But not just any dungeon.
“Hey, there’s the student supply cupboard,” said Ron. “And there are still cauldrons out!”
They were in Snape’s dungeon classroom.
“Look!” gasped Hermione. She was pointing to the front of the room. There was no longer had a blackboard there; instead a large opening led into a tunnel that went straight forward so far that they couldn’t see more than ten feet into it. The sound of organ music was floating on a cold draft towards them.
“No more dark tunnels!” groaned Ron.
“It’s level, Ron, we won’t be doing any more sliding,” said Hermione reasonably.
“Well, alright…” They all lit their wands and followed the music.
Meanwhile, Snape had gone straight to the headmaster’s office. He knocked on the door and entered. McGonagall was already there, standing with arms folded and looking terse.
“I assume there’s a good reason I’m here, Albus?” she asked.
“But of course, Minerva,” he said. “It seems the regular trio has gone after the source of our troubles. And Severus will show us the way.”
“They’re in the Charms corridor,” said Snape.
“Very well, then.” Dumbledore jumped to his feet and pointed dramatically. “To the Charms corridor! The golden trio will shine!”
“Have you been in the candy again, Albus?” asked McGonagall, eyeing him shrewdly.
“No…”
**SCENE CHANGE!**
“Well, they were in the Charms corridor,” muttered Snape. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were, of course, gone.
“Was there another secret passage?” asked McGonagall.
“There was one by this stretch of wall. There was a sign saying to stand here.” Said stretch of wall was now blank.
“Well, there’s no sign now.”
“Maybe there’s something here still…” Snape started running his hand over the wall.
McGonagall came over. “There’s nothing there, Severus.”
“No, I’m sure there’s something…”
“Why don’t we try what the sign said,” interjected Dumbledore, “and all stand here?”
So they tried it. Snape was scowling, McGonagall was looking skeptical, and Dumbledore was smiling and twiddling his thumbs. Then the floor opened up and the fell in a hole in the floor. They fell further and further, faster and faster, then slowed. They landed on their feet with a soft thump.
“What was that?” asked Snape.
“Don’t you remember that Quidditch match when I caught Harry from however many feet in the air after he fell off his broom?” said Dumbledore with a smile.
“Unfortunately.”
“Isn’t this your classroom, Severus?” asked McGonagall, glancing around.
“It is…” Then he saw the hole. Snape’s jaw dropped, then he swore very, very loudly. And kept swearing.
“Severus, really, there’s a lady present,” said Dumbledore.
“After teaching for thirty-something years, you get used to it,” McGonagall sighed. “He actually was worse in his seventh year, you know.”
“Well, let’s get going. That tunnel won’t traverse itself!” Dumbledore lit his wand and struck off, McGonagall and the still-swearing Snape following closely after.
“Did you hear that?” Hermione looked over her shoulder and squinted into the darkness behind them.
“Hear what?” asked Harry.
“That!”
“The music?” asked Ron.
“No, that…” Hermione turned and took a tentative step. “It sounds like a long string of expletives…”
“We can’t worry about that now,” said Harry. “Let’s keep going…”
They traversed the tunnel for a few more minutes, then Ron complained, “How much farther is it? This tunnel goes forever!” As he finished his sentence, he walked into a door. “Argh, not again…”
It was a wonder he hadn’t noticed the door; it was enormous, and there were two of them. They were a good thirty feet tall, made of stone and elaborately carved (simply because it looks cool when doors are elaborately carved).
Harry and Hermione gaped at the door while Ron rubbed his forehead. With a deafening grinding noise, the doors slowly swung inward. After a bit, they stopped. Harry said, “Let’s go.”
They stepped into a huge and cavernous, well, cavern. It was lit by many torches along the walls and candle-filled chandeliers hanging by chains from the ceiling. Harry wondered how they stayed lit; there was water dripping from the many stalactites and he thought they might be under the lake. A good way along the wall to their left was a massive pipe organ, a figure hunched at the layers of keyboards.
“Well, at least we know where the music’s coming from,” said Ron.
The figure stopped banging on the keyboards. The music kept playing. He pulled out a tape player and pushed a button down. The music stopped. He laughed maniacally.
“Well, well, look who’s finally here…” He straightened up and turned dramatically, the cape he was wearing making that cool “whoosh” noise capes make when someone turns dramatically. It was Arbitrare, of course, that much they could tell from the half of his face they could see. The other half was covered by a mask straight out of Phantom of the Opera. “You took your own sweet time to get here,” he continued.
“Well, we kind of had to, what with all those stupid tunnels,” said Ron angrily.
“What’s with the mask?” Harry had to ask.
“Well, when Miss Granger made the foolish mistake of saving me from Snape’s attempted poisoning, I was fine internally, but I was left horribly disfigured. See for yourselves!” He ripped his mask off.
“You look fine to me.”
“What?!” Arbitrare whipped a small mirror out of nowhere at looked at his reflection.
“Curse you, Madam Pomfrey! Oh well, at least I’ve still got my wonderful looks.” He flipped his hair arrogantly.
“I don’t think saving someone’s life is foolish!” said Hermione defensively.
“Saving his life was,” muttered Ron. “Anyway, we’re here to beat the crap out of him right?”
Arbitrare smiled evilly. “Really? Why would you do that, when I can get you out of that fingertrap?”
Ron’s face lit up. “You can?”
“No, Ron!”
“It’s a trick!”
“Well, duh,” said Arbitrare. “But a liberating trick. You just put your fingertips together, then pull your fingers back real quick like. Voila.”
Ron tried it a couple times, and then his fingers came free. “Woo hoo! You didn’t think I could do it, but I did! See, no more fingertrap!” He waggled his now free index fingers at the other two. “Now I’m gonna take a victory lap around the-“ He ran smack into a very long stalactite and was out cold.
“One down, two to go,” said Arbitrare nastily.
“You can’t stop us!” yelled Harry, as he charged (which is a very funny thing to see a penguin try).
Arbitrare calmly reached into his pocket and produced a can. He turned the key on it, having time to do such since penguins don’t charge very quickly. He held it out, and Harry skidded to a halt. He took it and started to gleefully eat the sardines inside.
Arbitrare then turned to Hermione. “Now you. You may not drop as fast as those two idiots, but I’ve got a plan.”
Hermione stuck her chin out defiantly. “Those two are my friends. And I think you’re bluffing.”
“Am I? Remember, everyone has weaknesses. For example: didn’t I give you that duct tape?”
Hermione gasped and looked down, but too late. The roll of duct tape had taken on a mind of its own and tied her up completely.
Arbitrare chuckled darkly. “See what I mean? Now, keep quiet or I’ll fail you.”
Hermione, who had been struggling against the tape, stopped at once and stayed still.
“Excellent. Now to prepare for round two.” Arbitrare swept back over to the organ and started changing the tape in his player. And then they waited. And waited. And waited some more.
“Where the crap are they?” demanded Arbitrare, checking his watch. “They couldn’t have been that far behind.”
Suddenly, the doors flew open with a bang. “Hold it right there!” yelled Dumbledore.
“There you are!” said Arbitrare. “What, did you guys get lost or something?”
“No, we were having a discussion on what the best way to burst in would be. But now that we’re here, we’ve come to- oh drat.” He glanced around at the tied-up Hermione, unconscious Ron, and preoccupied Harry. “Well, looks like our backup has turned into a rescue squad.”
“Not quite!” said Arbitrare. He held up the tape player and pushed Play. A waltz started up.
“Oh, dear,” said Dumbledore. He grabbed McGonagall and they danced off.
“And you.” Arbitrare turned to Snape and smiled even more evilly.
“The classic arch-nemesis fight. Quaint.” Snape held his wand at the ready.
“No, Severus, stop the music!” shouted Dumbledore from across the cavern. “What do I pay you for?”
“To teach Potions.”
“Oh yes, that’s right.”
“Excuse me!” interjected Arbitrare. “We’re trying to duel!”
“You don’t have a wand to duel with,” pointed out Snape.
“I don’t need one. Not while you have that CD player.”
Snape looked confused. Then he dropped his wand. Then he covered his ears.
Arbitrare laughed maniacally some more. “Let’s see how long it takes for that to be on maximum volume before he goes deaf.”
Snape was now doing his utmost to pull the headphones out of the CD player, but it seemed stuck.
Arbitrare looked around in a satisfied sort of way. “Who knew it would be this easy to throw Hogwarts into complete chaos? Well, I suppose it was already so chaotic anyway, it didn’t have very far to go. But yes, I think I’ll do a bit of premature celebration and have a drink.” He pulled out a glass and filled it with some Firewhiskey. He was about to take a sip when the glass shattered. Arbitrare turned with a snarl.
Snape was pointing his wand at him. In his other hand, Snape had a knife. He’d cut the headphone cord.
“Where’d you get the knife?!”
“I teach Potions, idiot.” Snape threw the knife and hit the tape player. Instantly the music stopped.
“How’d he do that?” Arbitrare said, sounding thoroughly panicked.
“It’s Snape, come on,” said Dumbledore. “What doesn’t he know how to do?” He bowed to McGonagall and drew his wand.
“How about being civil?”
“Well, now that is sort of true, but…No offense, Severus.”
“What?” said Snape, a bit loudly.
“Never mind. Let’s just finish this before any more insanity occurs.”
“That’s what you think!” sneered Arbitrare. “But I have a secret weapon!” He stuck his first two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Soon, the clip-clop of hooves could be heard. And cantering into sight came the Crumple Horned Snorkack.
“Not that thing again…” groaned Snape.
“Don’t worry, I had a plan in case that thing came back,” said McGonagall.
“What?”
“Um, never mind.” She pulled off her hat and yelled, “Monkey, attack!”
Out of the hat jumped one of the flying monkeys who’d shown up a couple chapters ago. It let out an almighty screech and bounded onto the Snorkack’s head, grabbing it by the horns. The Snorkack mooed angrily and started trying to buck the monkey off.
“’Monkey, attack?’” asked Snape incredulously.
“Where’d you get the monkey, Minerva?” asked Dumbledore.
“Longbottom lent him to me to fix up my room after another one of those badger incidents.”
“Ah. Anyway, what shall we do about him?” Dumbledore pointed at Arbitrare, who was now looking nervous, with his wand.
They didn’t really have time to decide what to do, as a very odd chain of events occurred just then. The Snorkack was still bucking, flying monkey still hanging on. In its efforts to get the monkey off, the Snorkack accidentally hit the sardine can Harry was holding, knocking it to the floor. Harry stared at the spilled tin.
“You spilled my sardines…” he whimpered.
“And I say we throw him in the lake,” said Snape.
“You spilled my sardines.”
“Severus, we can’t drown everyone you don’t like,” said Dumbledore reasonably.
“You spilled my sardines!”
“Alright, then let’s tie him up and throw him in a closet.”
“You spilled my sardines!!”
“Well, I suppose that might work…”
“You spilled my sardines!!!”
That finally got their attention. Well, that and the fact that Harry had leapt onto Arbitrare, knocking him to the ground. Sitting on his chest, Harry started slapping Arbitrare silly with his flippers? wings? whatever they’re called on penguins and yelling incoherently.
“I suppose that works,” said Dumbledore happily. “And that tin gives me an idea.” He conjured up a table and some chairs. On the table appeared a plate piled with bagels, some cans of lox, and dishes of cream cheese. “Go and get Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger, Severus; I think it best if we leave Harry to his own devices for the time being.”
“What?” said Snape, a bit loudly.
A/N: Whew! There we are, chapter thirteen! And no one was cursed, hopefully! How was our taste of penultima? Man, that thing was mondo. For those who don’t know, mondo in my vernacular means really big and impressive. Also for those who don’t know, I refer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione as just “the trio,” while Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall I call “the golden trio.” This is because the golden trio is older, more powerful, and they’re just that rad.
Anydangways, what do we think? Send your thoughts, opinions, feelings, and flayings via reviews!