A/N: If you’ve ever been to homestarrunner.com and played Peasant’s Quest, you’ll know who the Kerrek is. If not, it won’t be hard to find out. The aforementioned website is where I got the Kerrek from. The idea to put him in this story was my brother’s idea. So it’s all his fault.
The day after Dumbledore’s announcement, the students at Hogwarts were no less talkative than usual. The unfortunate result of this carelessness was a large amount people with horns or antlers. Other students had turned strange shades of purple, some would burst into song or swear loudly when class got to boring (History of Magic was now much more popular), while still others had very grotesque problems. One Ravenclaw had his finger stuck up his nose, and a Slytherin kept falling over after having misplaced his shins.
People weren’t the only ones affected by the power of suggestion. The castle itself had several problems. Doors would fall on students, there was a new staircase that never ended, a hallway on the fifth floor had eaten several people, and there would be random explosions with no cause throughout the school.
Through all the mayhem, the trio was remarkably unscathed (except for Hermione, of course), solely for the purpose of the plot. Readers needn’t worry, Harry and Ron will encounter their fair share of trouble soon enough.
Anyway, to the story.
Tuesday found our heroes walking across the dewy lawns under a steely grey sky to Hagrid’s hut for Care of Magical Creatures class. Hagrid’s unfortunate affinity towards large dangerous creatures always kept the class on its toes, and today was no exception. As the class approached Hagrid’s hut, an unpleasant odor wafted over from the forest. The students tried to figure out what the smell was without breathing in too deeply when they were distracted by mooing from the pumpkin patch. Before anyone could get any more confused, Hagrid appeared from between the trees, carrying the obnoxious smell with him. He seemed quite excited, which is never a good thing.
“Righ’,” he said. “The firs’ part o’ the lesson’s in the forest, so follow me.”
The class walked into the forest after Hagrid’s massive frame. They hadn’t gone far when they came to a small clearing and almost immediately passed out from the stench. Really the only way to describe the smell was “medieval peasant.” The only way to describe the sight was “AUGH!”
It was probably as tall as Hagrid. It had a head like a boar. There was little color variance between the muddy brown of its boots and loincloth and the muddy pink of its skin. It did have a very shiny belt that seemed to be most of what smelled.
What it was, none of the class knew. Most of them couldn’t see properly anyway because their eyes were watering. And the girl who had passed out couldn’t see it either, or the guy throwing up in the bushes. But the part of the class that had been smart enough to try and filter the smell (to little avail) through their robes, were lost.
“Hagrid,” Hermione choked. “What is that?”
“This is a kerrek,” Hagrid announced proudly. None of the class seemed interested in the thing, but more in trying to find an escape route.
“So, kerreks,” Hagrid tried to continue, “are teetotalers, so don’ offer ‘em a drink or they’ll run twice as fast at yeh.”
“Um, Hagrid?” Harry said. He pointed at the growing number of students growing sick or passing out.
“Oh. Uh, well, I guess we’ll move on then. Back to the pumpkin patch then.”
The class left the forest, dragging some of their numbers, and breathing in the air like it was a precious commodity. They made their way to the back of Hagrid’s hut where the pumpkins he annually grew were getting enormous. Tied to a stake in the midst of the orange behemoths was a cow. The only remarkable thing about it was that one of its horns was pointed up while the other was pointed down.
“Whaddaya think?” Hagrid asked as he came up behind the class.
“What do we think about what?” said Ron.
“Aren’ yeh impressed? It’s a Crumple Horn Snorkack! Very rare, these.”
“A Crumple Horn Snorkack?” Hermione asked incredulously.
“Yep, fresh caught from Sweden.”
There was a pause.
“Hagrid, that’s a cow.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes it is,” said Harry. “It’s a cow.”
“No it isn’!” insisted Hagrid.
“Yes it is!” said Ron. “It’s a cow. With horns and milk and goes ‘moo.’” He put his fingers up next to his head to represent horns.
“Now who’s the teacher here?!” Hagrid said indignantly. “It’s a Crumple Horn Snorkack; they’ve got amazin’ powers!”
The class looked at the cow, er, Crumple Horn Snorkack. It looked back. Suddenly, it shot laser beams from its eyes, vaporizing Harry!
Only joking, that’s Voldy’s job. The cow just mooed. Thankfully, before the class got any more idiotic, the bell rang.
The trio went to the greenhouses, since their next class was Herbology. When they got there, though, there were already some of the Hufflepuffs from the class looking at a sign on the door. It said, “Herbology has been cancelled for today.”
“Why’s it cancelled?” Harry asked.
“I heard the Venomous Tentacula grew legs and walked right out of the greenhouse!” said Ernie Macmillan. “But not before destroying several turnip beds. It was seen last going right through the front doors of the castle. Wouldn’t it be great if Mrs. Norris found it and they finished each other off?”
“Yeah, a fire-breathing cat and a homicidal walking plant. That would be great,” said Ron. Hermione elbowed him in the ribs.
Despite all the previous oddities, the rest of the trio’s classes passed uneventfully. In fact, aside from a few show tunes during History of Magic and someone fighting with a tapestry, nothing happened until dinner was almost over.
Everyone was in the Great Hall, and basically done eating. The hall was filled with the low hum of conversation when from the Entrance Hall came the loudest cat screech anyone had ever heard. Naturally, the whole school jumped up and ran to see what was happening.
There was a large circle in the middle of the crowd, large enough for a feline and a ficus to brawl. This, of course, was what was happening. Sure enough, Mrs. Norris and the Venomous Tentacula had found each other and were circling slowly. The Tentacula had found boxing gloves and was hopping around like an inexperienced fighter. Mrs. Norris was moving slowly, tail twitching.
On one end of the circle of people, Professor Arbitrare was taking bets. On the other side, Mrs. Norris had paused in front of Snape to size up her opponent. Snape, after a discreet glance, took the opportunity and nudged the cat with his foot. Mrs. Norris, taken off guard, stumbled slightly, giving the Tentacula time to spring. It wrapped itself around the tabby and began punching. Mrs. Norris breathed fire at the plant, but kept missing.
“We’ve got to do something!” shouted Hermione over the crowd. “There’s got to be some way to resolve this!”
“I’m not getting in there!” Ron shouted back.
Then, an answer to Hermione’s plea came through the front doors. The cow/Crumple Horn Snorkack came sauntering into the Entrance Hall. It wandered up to the fighters, who had split apart, and ate the Venomous Tentacula. As an afterthought, it ate Mrs. Norris, too. It then mooed once more and went back outside. Filch grabbed a knife from somewhere and chased after it, screaming about cats and steaks.
“This week keeps getting weirder and weirder,” said Harry.
A/N: Yay! Chappie 2 is done! Show your appreciation by reviewing! I’m always open to funny ideas! I also think I’ve broken some internet law about using too many exclamation points!
Also: I've got a preview of chappie 3 coming...now! I already submitted it, so here goes:
Chapter 3: Repetitive noise is a form of torture
“Queen to E-3,” said Ron. He and Harry had started up a game of chess when they returned to the common room after the cow fiasco. Ron was, as usual, beating Harry quite soundly.
“How can you be so relaxed at a time like this?” Hermione asked, fiddling absent-mindedly with the tape on her arm.
“A time like what?” said Ron. He looked at his watch. “It’s only 8:15.”
“It’s not that, it’s everything that’s been happening these last couple of days. Doesn’t this seem weird to you?”
“Hermione,” Harry said as he examined the board, “everything in this school is weird. Ron’s right, we shouldn’t worry.”
“When did I say that?” interjected Ron.
“You didn’t, I just inferred it from your off-handed comment.”
“It wasn’t off-handed, I was being truthful. It’s about a quarter after eight.”
“No,” said Hermione, “you’re both being stupid and far too casual about all this. I’m going to the library.” And she stalked out of the common room.
“What’s her problem now?” asked Harry.
“I dunno,” said Ron, nudging his knight forward. “Checkmate.”
“Not again.”
********
OK, so that's not that funny, but it does set up some further tension in the story. Quite a few characters are on edge in chappie 3, but it does yield hilarity. Lots of gurgling.