A/N: Yes, another chappie is here! I’m terribly sorry that this one took so long too, but at least this wait wasn’t as long as the one for the last chapter.
On a side note, the couch in this chapter was inspired by a couch once owned by my family, but we got rid of it (but not before I got a few pics of it), as it really was hideous and falling apart.
I would also like to put in a shameless plug for Legendary Frog’s Flash animations, from which some of my inspiration for this chapter came. Another shameless plug: This chappie is sponsored by the music of the Killers (the now official music of chappie 5), whom I was listening to while I wrote this. That might explain something.
After dinner, and fighting through the crowds in the common room demanding a retelling of exactly how a cow could eat a helmet, Harry, Ron and Hermione finally got to their dormitories. Harry and Ron, in the boys’ dormitory, changed into their pajamas and got into their respective beds.
“Well, today was eventful,” said Harry dryly. “Night, Ron.”
“Night, Harry.”
And they fell asleep. This would be a pretty pointless and stupid passage, if not for the fact that they both woke up the next day screaming bloody murder.
Of course, this overlapped with another scream from down on the grounds. Let’s go explore that one first, shall we?
*On the Hogwarts front lawn*
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Arbitrare continued to scream.
“I don’t like you,” retorted Snape. “You also scream like a girl.”
“It’s glandular!”
Whoops, better rewind here. Hits rewind button. OK, here we go.
*5 minutes ago*
Professor Snape woke and stretched. Five more minutes, he thought, and rolled over. Actually he rolled off of the rather ugly floral print couch that had appeared on the grounds overnight and onto the dewy grass. This sudden wetness seemed to bring Snape back to his senses.
“Why am I sleeping on the lawn?” he wondered aloud.
“Technically, you weren’t on the lawn,” answered an irritatingly familiar voice.
Snape sat up, or rather, tried to sit up, as he was still tightly rolled up in a very large rug. He did manage a glimpse of the smiling, insipid Professor Arbitrare, who was leaning on the back of the tacky couch.
“What are you doing here?” demanded Snape angrily.
“I was checking up on you. I happened to see you deposited here last night and thought I’d be neighborly and check up on you.”
“Oh, thank you so much,” Snape muttered sarcastically as he tried to disentangle himself from the rug.
Arbitrare watched him struggle for a minute, then said, “I would’ve brought you up to the castle, but you were already asleep.”
“Why didn’t you wake me, then?”
“You just looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bear to get you up.”
Snape stopped fighting the rug and stared at Arbitrare for a minute.
“Alright, that’s beyond strange, even for you,” said Snape, redoubling his efforts to escape from the imprisoning carpet.
“You should roll out of that,” Arbitrare commented idly.
“I am not taking the advice of a complete lunatic on how to get out of a rug!”
“Well, you can’t seem get out yourself.”
“Yes, thank you, I’ve noticed that.”
“Well, if you’re just going to be rude…” said Arbitrare, and he started to walk away.
This was bad timing on Arbitrare’s part, as Snape had just freed his wand arm and aimed a spell at the retreating figure. The spell shot past, grazing the back of Arbitrare’s head. He hit the ground as he let out an almighty scream. Snape smirked in a satisfied way and sliced the rest of himself out of the rug.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Arbitrare continued to scream. (Ah, we’re up to date now.)
“I don’t like you,” retorted Snape. “You also scream like a girl.”
“It’s glandular!” Arbitrare got up from his cowering position on the grass and glared at Snape, who was likewise getting up.
“I’d like know what gland that was.” Snape now looked like he was trying, with much difficulty, to not laugh his head off.
“I have every right to scream however I want!”
“Of course,” said Snape, and he started back to the castle, still repressing his laughter.
“You nearly took my head off with that spell!” Arbitrare said angrily, catching up with Snape.
“If I was going to take your head off, I would have done so already.”
“So you do have it in for me!”
“When did I ever say that? I only admitted to not liking you.”
“You did throttle me pretty good two chapters ago.”
Snape stopped, his hand on the oak front door of the castle. “What?”
“Oops (breaking the fourth wall there), I meant a few days ago.”
“Oh, that. I had my reasons,” Snape replied, striding into the entrance hall.
“That goes beyond not liking me,” said Arbitrare in an accusatory tone.
Snape stopped again, and turned to face Arbitrare. “I could argue with you all morning, but I do have work to do, and I assume you do as well.”
Arbitrare was about to reply when Hermione with her customary roll of duct tape, Ron caught in a finger trap, and a penguin with a brown paper bag over its head came running down the marble staircase.
Actually, before we go any farther, we need to investigate what Harry and Ron’s problem was. Rewinds again. Alright, here we are.
*In Gryffindor Tower, during the whole screaming session*
Harry had awoken and put his glasses on. He then looked down and realized that he had no fingers.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” came Ron’s voice.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” asked the other three in the dormitory.
“Nothing!” said Harry and Ron together.
Ron waited until Dean, Neville, and Seamus had left, then he went over to Harry’s bed.
“What’s up with you?”
“Oh, nothing, I just have no fingers!” He held up his hands.
“That’s because you’re a penguin.”
“WHAT?!” Harry looked at his reflection in the window by his bed. He had definitely turned into a penguin at some point in the night.
“But never mind that now, look what happened to me!” interjected Ron, holding out his hands. His index fingers were caught in one of those Chinese finger traps.
“At least you have fingers!” shot back Harry.
“Ah, good point.”
“Look, go get Hermione, she might have an idea of what to do.”
“I’m on my way!” Ron ran over to the door. He looked between his stuck fingers and the door, apparently trying to figure out how to turn the knob. He banged his hand against it a couple of times, then out of frustration yelled, “Curse you, infernal contraption!”
“Oh I’ll do it.” Harry got off of his bed and opened the door. Ron took off, and was back in just a minute with Hermione. She looked concerned at first, but when she saw Harry she said, “Oh, it’s not that bad.”
“I’m a penguin, in case you hadn’t noticed!”
“Well, I almost turned into a cat once, I got over that.”
“This is different!”
“No it’s not. Look, if you’re so concerned, wear this.” She thrust a paper bag at him.
Harry put the bag over his head. “I can’t see now.”
“Oh, honestly.” With a wave of her wand, Harry had eyeholes.
“What do we do now?” questioned Ron.
“Let’s go see Professor Arbitrare. It’s late enough, he should be at breakfast.”
The trio ran through the halls, ignoring the odd looks from other students. They were going down the marble staircase when they spotted Arbitrare entering the castle, talking to Snape.
“There he is!” said Harry. “Oh no, Snape’s here, too.”
“I could argue with you all morning, but I do have work to do, and I assume you do as well,” Snape was saying (once again, we’re up to speed).
Arbitrare was about to reply when Hermione with her customary roll of duct tape, Ron caught in a finger trap, and a penguin with a brown paper bag over its head came running down the marble staircase.
“Professor, we’ve got a problem,” panted Hermione, coming to a halt in front of Arbitrare.
“It looks like you’ve got three actually,” he pointed out.
Apparently, this all was too much for Snape, because he actually burst out laughing.
“Um, all right there?” asked Arbitrare.
“Oh, yes, quite,” said Snape, still chuckling slightly. “This just made my morning. Well, I think I’ll have some breakfast. I’ll see if they’ve got fish, shall I, Potter?” And he strode off smirking in his usual nasty fashion.
“Let me jinx him just once!” yelled Harry, fighting against Ron and Hermione, who had grabbed hold of his arms? flippers? wings? whatever they were.
“No, Harry, we need to fix this!” said Hermione.
“Actually, I don’t think I can do anything; this is pretty severe,” replied Arbitrare. He walked towards the Great Hall, pausing in the doorway in order to let a Jedi dueling a suit of armor pass. “You might as well see if they’ve got fish,” he said, then disappeared inside.
“Why does this sort of thing always happen to us?” asked Harry bitterly.
A/N: Tada, chappie 5! And I fit a Jedi in! Show your appreciation, adulation, consternation, constipation, probabtions, or otherwise by reviewing! Sorry if this isn’t funny to you, but it certainly is to me. Also: no worries if you want to get back at Snape, he’ll get in trouble next time. Just keep in mind that I am quite the Snape fan (hence the penname).