Chapter 7: Weekend at Draco’s
A/N: Well, this one’s up much sooner than chappie six was. I figured that since I had some time to kill on a Saturday, I’d write this chappie, so I could submit it before the holiday break. I’m all about keeping my readers amused.
Also: This chappie is sponsored in part by my friend Amanda, who burned the CD I listened to while writing this. And now, to the story!
Snape looked at the clock again. It was now 8:12. Despite being in detention for less than fifteen minutes, it had seemed like at least an hour. Snape hadn’t been in detention for years, and having to serve it with the students he usually put in detention was rather humiliating. He glanced around at everyone else writing, then turned back to his own paper.
See, McGonagall had set everyone to writing so they’d keep quiet. Let’s take a look at what’s being written, shall we?
Ron was only half-heartedly jotting something down (and not just because of his finger trap), a deep frown on his face. This is what he was writing:
I must not kill other students. I must not kill other students. I must not kill other students.(He was supposed to get to one hundred times before he could leave.)
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Hermione was, of course, more actively involved in her assignment. She’d written If a student kills another, I will tell a teacher. forty-seven times. Oh, now it’s forty-eight.
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Harry had possibly the worst assignment of the group. He was helping the dead Draco write his lines. This wasn’t easy, as Draco kept slumping over the desk and spilling the ink. The third time this happened, Harry got fed up and stabbed the irritating cadaver with his quill. (“Mr. Potter, don’t harass the dead,” McGonagall had said.) The two were writing:
I will not die in the middle of the hall. I will not die in the middle of the hall.
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The two professors had gotten off a little easier. Instead of specific lines, they had to write their lesson plans. And of course, neither of them were doing that.
Arbitrare was currently drawing the Crumple Horned Snorkack taking a large bite out of Snape’s torso. Snape, with little X’s for eyes, was saying, “Blarg, I am dead!” Arbitrare chuckled at his artwork, then started drawing penguin Harry eating a fish (the fish also was saying “Blarg, I am dead!”). Let’s see what he wrote before that, though.
This is boring. I wish I had brought some cards. Maybe I can make a deck. Maybe I can knit a scarf. It would be fuzzy and warm and possibly orange. It should be striped. I like oranges. Man, I am SO bored! Hehe, fish. “Blarg, I am dead,” so funny. I wish the Snorkack would eat Snape. Then I’d have some peace and quiet. That Snape. He’s so annoying. So sarcastic. So ugly. He’s nowhere as good looking as me. And he’s so suspicious. He must suspect that I’m- (A large chunk of the parchment was missing here. Arbitrare had used it to make a spit wad, which he shot at Snape. Snape had sent it straight back with a flick of his wand. “Professor, he shot my spit wad at me!” Arbitrare said. McGonagall looked up from grading papers briefly and said, “Good.”) That Snape! I shot that at him! He doesn’t have the decency to get hit, how rude. I hate him! He hates me (which is also rude)! And I think he wants to kill me (so very rude).
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Snape had several papers in front of him, many with research and class notes written on them. This was a clever ruse, as he wasn’t preparing for class. He was scribbling furiously, because he was furious. Let’s see what he’s got.
That Arbitrare. I want to kill him. But I promised Dumbledore I wouldn’t. This is one of those times I wish he didn’t trust me. But Arbitrare isn’t a Death Eater, not that I know, anyway (How could he be? He’s a complete idiot!), so I’m not spying, so I bet I could get away with it…I wonder if I could make it look like an accident. That Arbitrare. He’s so stupid. So irritating. So much better looking than me. It’s people like him that I despise. And I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me. Well, we’ll see who kills whom first. Oh yes, Draco went first. Serves him right, the snot. He and his father, they’re annoying too. And so much better looking than me. OK, I’m being shallow, but I have the right to be! How that (Something naughty is here) ever got married, I’ll never know. Oh yes, because his wife is also shallow. Which is a real shame, because she’s so hot. So’s her sister. Hmm, I’ll make a list of all the women I’ve ever liked.
On a new sheet of paper Snape had:
Snape’s List Of Hot Women
Narcissa Malfoy: Pro- very hot. Con- married, and annoying. Rather clingy.
Bellatrix Lestrange: Pro- very, very hot. Con- also married, and a horrid sadist. Plus, I think she also wants to kill me. But so hot.
That one girl that was in Ravenclaw in my year: Pro- very cute. Con- not in Slytherin, hates me. Think I jinxed her for making fun of me, so she’s not going to want a date.
J.K. Rowling: Pro- has marketable skills. Con- also married (I’m noticing a frightening trend here), thinks I’m creepy.
McG- NO NO NO. So wrong. So creepy. Ah, she’s looking at me now.
Snape quickly tucked this paper into the inner pocket of his robes and went back to the first paper.
I think the teenage hormones are affecting my brain function. I haven’t written a list like that since I was in third year. I’m pretty sure Bellatrix wanted to kill me then, too. All these hormones. Must be Potter, he’s always chasing girls. Weasley’s far too oblivious. Didn’t Granger have a thing for that Krum a couple years ago? Yes, yes, I remember. I hate Quidditch players too. They’re so self-absorbed. I hate that Arbitrare too. He’s looking at me…Oh good, he stopped. Ah, he’s doing it again. I hate him. I hate that stupid grin. I’m so glad I’ll get to absolutely thrash him in our duel. I think I’ll update my enemies list.
Snape pulled out a clean sheet of paper and started scribbling again.
Snape’s Enemies List
1. Potter, Arbitrare. Yes, that dolt has tied Potter. I so want to kill him. Potter I can at least torture with pointless assignments and detention. But what can I do to Arbitrare? I’ll have to mull that one over.
2. Granger. Why do she always have to show people up with her smarts? So terribly annoying. I loved when I called her an insufferable know-it-all. That was funny.
3. Weasley. He’s only this far up because he’s part of “the trio.” He really doesn’t pose much of a threat.
4. The Wimbourne Wasps. They’ll be off the list when they give me my money back.
5. The Dark Lord. He’s such a whiner. “Kill them, kill them!” Do it yourself!
6. McGonagall. Put me in detention, will you?
7. Dumbledore. Making me promise to be good. Why does he have to be so trusting? I could kill Arbitrare and throw Potter out a window then.
8. Lucius Malfoy. If he’d just die, I’d be happy. He’s also annoying.
9. All the stupid first years I have. “Professor, is my cauldron hot enough?” It’s on fire, what do you think?
10. The color orange, and peas. They’re both awful.
Yes, ten should be enough for now.
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Snape also put this paper in his pocket and smirked nastily. He looked at the clock again. It was now 8:47. Good way to spend half an hour, he thought. Obviously McGonagall thought so too, because she said, “I think you can leave now, Professors.”
“Woohoo!” shouted Arbitrare. He jumped out of his seat and bolted for the door, but not before he had dropped a note on Snape’s paper pile. Snape opened the note and read:
Our duel? Ten o’clock, seventh floor corridor. See you there.
Hugs, Arbitrare (Included in this note was the picture of Snape being eaten by the Snorkack.)
Snape looked up quickly at the door. Arbitrare’s head was poked around the doorframe. He was wearing a nasty grin that could match any of Snape’s. He quickly ducked out of sight as McGonagall looked at the door. “Professor, aren’t you going to leave?” she asked.
“Oh, yes,” Snape replied. “Just let me get my papers…” He gathered up all his notes and headed out the door. He hadn’t gotten too far down the hall when a nasty voice came from a dark corner.
“See you at ten.”
“OH, JUST (Something else naughty is here)!!!!” Snape shouted back.
There, chappie 7! I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing it. I seriously was laughing a great deal at this one. People thought I was crazy. Of course, I had just looked up a funny thing I wrote down (“Your colon is backwards” is what it was. Even scarier, I said it, long story).