General Disclaimer: Of course I don’t own it, though I wish I did. Do you think Jo will let me have Severus Snape? Well, I guess I’ll just have to borrow them and return them before their due date.
Grief comes in many differing forms. For some, it comes with an overwhelming anger, anger that the world would take this from your life. Others feel overcome by depression, some going to the extreme of choosing death rather than living with the emptiness of loss. Few deny what has happened, keeping the same routines as if their loved one was merely gone for the day. Still, nearly all those who have suffered a loss speak of numbness, a deadness that encompasses body, mind and soul.
Hermione Granger knew about the numbness. Having lost her parents nearly eighteen months earlier, shortly after beginning her Potions apprenticeship with Professor Severus Snape, she lost herself in hard work and study. Both were cure-alls in the past. She lived one day at a time, not knowing happiness nor too much sadness, just existing in a cocoon that was devoid of emotion and sensation.
That had changed a month ago when Severus returned from a meeting with Voldemort. His orders had been clear: try to get information from the Mudblood Granger girl using any means possible. In fact, the Dark Lord had ordered Severus to seduce her.
Pumping me for information while pumping into me, she thought with a mental snort worthy of her mentor.
When she was six, Hermione had her tonsils removed in a Muggle hospital. When she began fighting her way out of the anesthesia, she was surprised to find she could struggle a bit towards wakefulness, but would fall back under. But each time, she fought, she came a little closer to awareness until she finally won and came out from under the effects.
The night he had reluctantly told her the Dark Lord’s orders, Severus had kissed her. She had been kissed before. Victor and Ron had both kissed her. Even Harry had kissed her once during their Seventh Year. She had felt little with those kisses except a bit of revulsion as she wondered why a boy’s tongue was so wet and slobbery.
It had bothered her. Being analytical, she wondered if she was not attracted to boys because she was attracted to girls. Her minority status kept getting her into smaller and smaller groups. From the other children of her age, she was a bookworm. Then a witch. Why not a lesbian? She’d probably, eventually end up in the bookworm-witch-lesbian-who-likes-Medieval-Poetry group by herself and ensure she’d end up alone somewhere with a multitude of cats.
However, from observation of the girls at Hogwarts, she found they fell into two categories--those who had bodies she wished she had and those who had bodies she was glad she didn’t. Neither group appealed to her sexually, however. The thought of kissing another girl excited her as much as the thought of kissing Ron did.
Hermione decided she would probably end up alone as the bookworm-witch-asexual-who-likes-Medieval-Poetry and still have a multitude of cats. Being logical, she threw herself with renewed vigor into her studies and was shocked when Severus had offered her an apprenticeship. She could be a Potions mistress! And, if this war ever ended with the Good Guys winning, Severus might get the Defense Against the Dark Arts position and she would teach at Hogwarts.
Then her parents had been murdered. The only reason she was alive today was due to the apprenticeship or she would have been with her parents. Perhaps she could have fought back or summoned help, but more than likely her corpse would have been found next to the bodies of her parents. From that day on, the numbness settled on her like a robe made of gauze. No one else seemed to see it, but she could feel it. Lack of sleep; brewing the most boring potions; grading student essays; barely seeing her friends since Ginny took her NEWTS; and the nightmares. All things combined to make the numbness tangible.
Until Severus had kissed her and she began feeling that she was fighting to wake up, to leave that deadness behind. However, in the month since, he had not kissed her again. They had had two ‘shopping trips’ to the Apothecary in Diagon Alley and one to the Apothecary in Hogsmeade. On all three expeditions, Severus was the consummate gentleman, offering his arm; carrying the packages; opening doors; taking her to lunch. After nearly nine years of sarcasm and sneers (not to mention his bad days), it was almost like being with someone totally new and different.
Someone she liked very much.
But the most he would do is caress the back of her hand or lay his hand on her shoulder. He watched her, however. Hermione realized that quickly. Even now, at 12 Grimmauld Place, Severus was in the shadows but every so often, she was convinced he was watching her.
Why?
She still felt tired and mentally sluggish, but sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for the meeting to begin, she began putting her mind to work. After all, she had been called the cleverest witch of her generation; it was past time to wake up from her grief and put that mind to work.
Why would Professor Severus Snape kiss her like that and then barely touch her? Was he just not interested in her? No, that couldn’t be it. He was touching her hands now, in private. He had also taken to standing very close to her when working together on a potion.
Perhaps he was merely trying to ease into her comfort level so the next steps would be less unpleasant for her, less of a shock? Hermione discarded that idea. It was hard to believe Severus Snape would be that solicitous unless…
Unless he cared.
That thought drew her up short. Could he care for her? In that way? That idea got dropped also. After all, he was a pureblood wizard according to Which Witch: A Who’s Who of the Wizarding World; a renowned Potions master; a powerful wizard in his own right; and he seemed to like most people, especially Gryffindors, as much as he liked Blast-Ended Skrewts.
But why did he take you on as an apprentice if he didn’t care? her mind asked. He’s never taken on an apprentice before, in all of his years of teaching. But she had asked for an apprenticeship, hadn’t she?
No, her inner voice reminded, he asked you about your post-NEWT plans and you mentioned you would love to apprentice but he didn’t take apprentices. He was the one who approached Professor Dumbledore to make it seem like an order.
She touched the chain of the locket he had given her for Christmas, an expensive present that was touching in its thoughtfulness. Very out of character for the taciturn Potions master. Not to mention nights she forgot to eat, he would order food for her. True, there was always a sarcastic comment involved such as, “Aren’t you glad you were not able to free the house-elves, Hermione?”, but that was just… Snape.
Still, there were little kindnesses. He would mark articles in periodicals for her. Not just potions items either, but pieces on charms and transfigurations. Things that interested her that few seemed to have the time or inclination to discuss. Severus loaned her books from his personal library and always seemed willing to talk about what she read. And, after her parents’ murders, when the nightmares were the worst, Severus made certain there was a vial of Dreamless Sleep Potion for her when she needed it.
It led to one conclusion and one conclusion only. By Snape standards, he was extraordinarily nice to her. And it wasn’t just to garner her consent to playing along with the fake seduction because it started long before Voldemort issued his decree.
Perhaps that was why he was not forcing his attentions on her? Perhaps he did care for her feelings? She had to admit that she had been attracted to him for several years now. In fact, it was the night he discovered her with Ron and had taken the time to heal her neck where Ron had gotten carried away with a love bite.
She had wanted to love Ron and she did love him, but only as a brother. There was no passion grand or small with him. On her part, anyway. But a touch of her hand by Severus made her heart skip. If that wasn’t passion, then she’d settle for whatever it was.
And perhaps he didn’t care for her in that way, well, she might be able to convince him to see otherwise if he were given the proper motivation. Before she could think further on how to get Severus’ attention in that way, the Weasley clan arrived in full-force.
Ginny greeted her enthusiastically. After her NEWTs, Ginny was hired at the Ministry of Magic as a secretary in the Magical Law Enforcement Division. It was a low-paying clerical job that enabled her to research trends and movements of the Death Eaters while spying on other Ministry workers in a position that was nearly invisible.
It was enjoyable to talk to her friend and soon Ginny’s brothers began joining them. Fred and George were the first. The twins had become more somber as the war started becoming more openly aggressive. Their joke shop was also responsible for developing new tools and weapons for the Order. Bill soon came over to sit with them as well. Hermione found herself content to listen and watch as the siblings interacted in a boisterous manner.
“What have you been up to, Hermione?” Bill asked with a grin. He was still a curse-breaker for Gringotts, but used his position to watch the cash flow of suspected Death Eaters.
“The usual apprentice duties,” she answered, smiling at him.
“Ah, I remember my apprentice days very well,” he told her. “You’re doing grunt work. Thankless chores. Mind-numbing monotony.”
Hermione couldn’t help laughing at his mournful expression. “I’m learning a lot though. Severus is an excellent mentor.” She turned and smiled at the dark wizard she knew was watching her. Severus stood with his back to the wall, watching, but she could tell by his stiff posture and the blazing of his black eyes that he was furious. Quickly, she turned back to Bill and asked what he was doing.
She listened with half an ear while Bill talked about the latest cursed objects he had been working with. Severus was angry and she knew it was because she was talking with Bill. It was ridiculous because she didn’t have feelings for him or any of the Weasley boys. They were too much like brothers to her. Yet she couldn’t stop thinking Severus was jealous.
Okay, maybe I’m deluding myself, she thought. But would it be wrong to check this theory? Bill, she knew from stories his sister told, was a natural-born flirt. Why not let him flirt with me? I don’t have to encourage him, just not discourage him.
As she was listening to Bill and the Twins, she placed her hand on Bill’s to get his attention to ask him about the spell he used to disarm a locked box. He quickly offered to show it to her and before she knew it, she was standing with Bill pressed against her back, directing her wand movements. His hand was over her wrist as he taught her the incantation for Dark Magic dispersal.
Albus walked in at that moment and was greeted by several members. He made his way to Severus and spoke in a low tone but two words carried throughout the kitchen of Grimmauld.
“The Dark Mark”
Instantly, conversations stilled as everyone in the room turned and listened to find out who had been lost this time. Hermione sat down quickly, trembling, as Albus turned about and looked over the stilled room. “The Collins house,” he said sadly, his eyes not twinkling, but filled with an expression that was both hurt and enraged. “The Collins girl is missing. Her parents, however…” Albus looked at Hermione and his voice trailed off as she felt grief for her own parents strike suddenly.
“I will see what I can find out,” Severus said in his deep voice, his countenance set. “However, Miss Granger will need to be escorted back to Hogwarts, Headmaster.”
“I’ll see she gets there safely,” Bill volunteered, placing his hand on her shoulder. Severus gave a small snort and turned back to Albus.
“Perhaps an Auror?” he suggested silkily, dismissing Bill’s offer.
“They are at the Collins’ house, Severus,” Albus said slowly. “The ones we can trust. But rest assured, Hermione will be taken care of.”
For a moment, it appeared that Severus would argue, but with his jaw set, he merely nodded and took his cape from the peg on the wall. He was stalking off, tossing his cape around his shoulders before anyone could react.
“Martha Collins was in my year,” Ginny whispered.
He’s leaving angry, Hermione thought. He can’t be using Occlumency if he’s angry. Shrugging off Bill’s hand, she raced up the stairs after him, ignoring the startled looks of the other Order members.
He was just opening the door to leave. “Severus, wait!” she called out.
For a moment, he paused with the door half-opened, then he slowly closed it and turned to face her. Giving an irritated glance to the draped portrait of Mrs. Black, he motioned her into the parlor.
“What is it, Hermione?” he hissed. “I am in rather a hurry. A young woman’s life is at stake.”
“Please, be careful, Severus,” she said, shakily and couldn’t stop tears from silently forming.
“Perhaps you should follow your own advice,” he said in a nastily low voice. “And avoid Weasley males unless you have the proper contraceptives.”
Hermione shook her head. “I don’t care about them,” she whispered in anguish. “I want you to be careful.”
He pulled her to him roughly and took possession of her mouth in a kiss that was more an outlet for jealousy than physical ardor. But for Hermione, she felt only her own passion and parted her lips as felt his tongue brush against them. She kissed him back, touching her tongue to his and melting against him. When he withdrew, she could feel his anger dissipating like fog in the morning sun.
Severus raised his hand to her cheek and brushed the tears away. “I will be back,” he whispered. “Remember that.” Even in the dim light, she could see his eyes glittering strangely triumphant as he turned and walked out of the room. She heard the front door open, then close as she stood there, in the darkness and wondered exactly what she wanted from him.
And more importantly, what did he want from her?
Author’s Notes: Before you ask, yes, he is coming back. No, he hasn’t been killed. I know now how this will end, I’m just not sure how we’re going to get there.
Just a reminder that this is a series of vignettes in the relationship of Severus Snape and Hermione Granger. I write when the plot bunny dictates. Believe me, I wish I could write this story at will. However, the more reviews, the more the bunnies plot (like all good plot bunnies should). And I’d like to point out for everyone who thinks reviewing doesn’t mean anything, this is the sixth chapter of a one-shot. The reviews keep it, and the bunny, alive. And I thank each and every person who has taken the time to review. You have no clue what it means to me.