Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters therein. The only thing I own is the vacuum cleaner. (And I'm not really sure I own that, since I didn't invent it, but anyhow...)
Snape’s last stand
Severus Snape stepped out of the door of number 12 Grimmauld Place and hefted the magical vacuum cleaner Dumbledore had asked him to fetch. He scowled at the far too sunny (In Snape’s opinion) sky, and turned back to make sure that the door had closed properly. There was no one now living in the old Headquarters of the Order of the Pheonix, and all the members were either on various guard duties or at their regular jobs, so he was the only one in charge of making sure it was secure.
Everyone seemed to be doing something worthwhile except for Snape, and possibly the Headmaster. Right now Dumbledore was working with Harry, attempting to prepare him for his NEWT tests, which Snape often thought, with a patented Snape smirk, a very useless pursuit indeed, judging by Potter’s still rather poor performance in his Potion’s class.
Even though Potter had squeaked through the OWL’s with a very low O, (One of the great disappointments of Snape’s life) and was showing improvement in the Occlumency classes that Dumbledore had insisted they start up again, Snape was still very suspicious of his improvement, waiting for the other wand to drop, as it were. Harry was, after all, his hateful father’s son, and if he could get by on brilliance without any work, he would definitely do it, and in Snape’s class, brilliance was not enough.
Coming out of his annoyed Potter reverie, Snape bound the door closed with one of his special locking charms, switched the magical vacuum to his left hand, and scowled at it too. No doubt the vacuum held one more piece to the puzzle that was the life of that insolent last of the Potters. As if he wanted to hear anything more about it.
As he turned away from the door, there was a loud crack, typical of Apparating wizards. Snape immediately tensed, and brought out his wand, suspecting an attack of some sort. His instincts were not off, for standing in front of him was none other than the self proclaimed, most vilely evil wizard on the face of the earth! Yes, it was Voldemort, You-Know-Who, or the Dark Lord, if you prefer it that way (Snape did.)
“Expelliarmus!” rang though the air, and sadly, Snape’s wand went flying. As fast as the greasy haired Professor/Spy/Disco Dancer (Another story for another day) was, his former Master was just a hair faster. Voldemort stuck Snape’s wand in his revolting pocket, sneered an especially annoying sneer and laughed at the unimpressed Snape.
“I’ve just come back from Hogwarts,” remarked the not too bright Evil Overlord. Snape, still unimpressed, did some sneering of his own. Tit for tat.
“I’ve met that rather annoying Potter boy for the last time, not to mention all his cronies. And now, even though I finally have him in my clutches, and could kill him as easily as squash a bug, I have decided to savor this great victory, and once again, put off blasting him into oblivion, because it occurred to me that it would be more fun to blow up practically everyone else I hate first. You, my old ally, are second on my randomly chosen list, right after Hagrid. Avad…..”
But before Voldemort could finish his killing curse Snape brought his left arm up, he seemed to be cringing away from the unforgivable words, his black robes slipping past his elbow to reveal his old Death Eater scar. But before Voldemort could finish the words, Snape brought the magical vacuum down on the top of the evil wizard’s head.
Voldemort fell to the ground, dead. Snape again hefted the magical vacuum, retrieved his wand and Voldemort’s, performed a quick Disillusionment charm on Voldemort’s body, and set off down the street with it floating along behind him. He would have to find a safe place to Apparate so that he could once again save Potter’s skin. Probably he’d have to fight off who knew how many Death Eaters, Dementors, and who knew what else just so Potter could go back to ignoring everything he ever said to him.
Too bad, Snape thought, that Hagrid had to die, and probably as a direct result of Potter’s stupidity. The poor, dense wizard should at least have had the chance to gain some common sense before kicking the bucket. (Getting a dragon’s egg from the most evil wizard in the world in a pub while you’re drunk, indeed! Snape had never gotten over that one) However, maybe after all this, he, Snape, would finally be given the Defense Against the Dark Art’s post.
“Ow,” muttered Snape, stopping suddenly in his march past the Muggle houses, and examining his left arm. A small piece had been broken off the magical vacuum, probably when Potter was using it the year before last, and was in one of his moods. The broken edge had scraped his arm. He searched it for an abrasion, and suddenly realized something that pleased him very much.
It meant the end of the secrecy, the shame. It meant that he now didn’t have to go through the summer broiling in long sleeved robes. The skin under his robes was completely clean and unmarked.
It had abruptly disappeared. His Death Eater scar.
The End
Epilogue: How this fits in with all the stuff you’ve heard about Harry or Voldemort bumping the other off:
The Vacuum Cleaner was not, as Snape assumed, a piece of the puzzle of Harry’s history. It was, in fact, a magical vacuum cleaner that Dumbledore had let Sirius borrow from Hogwarts to help clean up his place. They got an upgraded vacuum at Hogwarts that year, and hadn’t needed it back. But Dumbledore had recently remembered it, and decided to donate it to charity, which was why Snape was sent to get it on the fateful day.
What neither of them knew until after Snape had examined the vacuum was that it contained a piece of one of Harry’s toenails, and this toenail had connected with Voldemort’s head, along with the rest of the vaccuum cleaner. This, in essence, made the newly reformed, pretty obedient Harry partly responsible for his death.
Therefore, Voldemort did not come back, Harry eventually started appreciating Snape, after Hermione (Soon to be Mrs. Weasley as well as the owner of a large charity benefiting Muggles, unfortunate wizards and House Elves) bugged him with I-told-you-so’s about Snape being good after all.
Snape, poor fellow, got promoted to the Auror’s training program, where he soon met up with an unwelcome Auror in training. However, Potter at least obeyed him better now, and was not as belligerent without his now famous wizard comic writing red-haired cohort, Ron.
Eventually the shell shocked Snape got to be headmaster of Hogwarts for a few years when Dumbledore retired. He was quite contented, glad not to see a grotesque little skull on his arm whenever he took a bath (Which aversion to baths perhaps explains all the greasy hair of his earlier years).
During that time he met a nice girl, and settled down, far away from all Potter’s of any description. (Though he did receive a nice card from him every Christmas, in gratitude for saving his skin, which Snape had his wife open, so that he wouldn’t have to dwell on any more Potter’s from his past ever again.)
The Very End