Dislcaimer - None of the fabulous Harry Potter characters are mine. Unfortunately I am merely borrowing....
People break promises for a variety of reasons. Many simply forget that they made them in the first place. This was not the case for Remus Lupin, who could not forget the promise he had broken, or the circumstances in which it was made.
Remus arrived at the Potter's house early, despite the dull throbbing in his head. It was Harry Potter's first birthday and he knew how much his attendance meant to James and Lily. It was, after all, just a small party for close friends, as any form of celebration was scarce in these dark times. After surrendering his present into Harry's eager grasp, Remus helped himself to a drink and found himself a chair in the corner, as far from the bustle of excited people as possible.
Sirius arrived late, as usual, with his arms full of presents for his godson. As Harry reached out his arms, squealing with delight, Remus felt a familiar jealousy in the pit of his stomach. He looked away, preferring not to watch as Sirius tossed an excited Harry into the air and caught him.
"It's cupboard love, you know." Remus turned to see Lily watching him closely, amusement in her eyes. Noticing his confusion, she continued; "Harry's excited to see Sirius because Sirius spoils him so much. Don't take it personally."
Remus nodded slightly but turned away again. Her words offered him little comfort. He knew he had little place in James and Sirius' friendship and he had come to accept that. But it still hurt him occasionally, like an old wound that had not fully healed.
Remus took a large sip of his drink and pretended to be very interested in a butterfly outside the window. He was hoping that Lily would return to the party, particularly as his headache potion was beginning to wear off, but she didn't seem to take the hint. "I know you're upset that you're not his godfather," she said, "and I understand that. But I just felt it was...difficult with your condition."
Remus turned back, frowning slightly "That's not it, it's just…"
"Full moon on Sunday." Lily finished his sentence quietly. He nodded again, aware of the growing pain in his temples. Lily smiled and grasped his hand sympathetically. She glanced back at Sirius and James, who were helping Harry to unwrap his latest load of presents. Remus saw the tenderness in her gaze, and fear too, which he had noticed a lot lately.
She appeared to be thinking hard. She opened her mouth and closed it again, then tightened her grasp on his hand, leaning forward as if to reveal a secret. When she spoke, her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Dumbledore's scared. And even though we're gathering information on Voldemort and the army is growing I feel something is about to happen. Something bad is about to happen." He could hear the fear behind the words and it seemed strange, as he was so used to her easy smile, her gentle confidence. "Remus, promise me that if things go wrong you'll watch out for Harry. Even if you just go see him on his birthdays. Promise me." The insistence in her voice frightened him a little but he forced a smile and a cheery voice. "It's normal to be worried Lily but nothing bad is going to happen". Feeling unable to continue the conversation he got up, picked up his empty glass and turned to face Lily, trying to ignore the pleading in her pale green eyes. "But I do promise."
It's so easy to make excuses for our own behaviour. In Harry's early years, Remus had plenty of opportunities to fulfil his promise. But it would upset Harry, he told himself, to be visited so soon after his parents' death. It would be dreadfully inappropriate.
As the years passed, Remus felt the guilt growing within him. He had dreams, in which he would look at Harry and see Lily and James staring back at him, their eyes full of accusations. He would awake, shaking and sweating, roll over, and try his best to forget.
Some years, he even got out an old Muggle map book and traced the thin lines that connected his house to the Dursley's. Once, on Harry's fifth birthday, he managed to walk the length of Privet Drive, albeit somewhat briskly. But something inside him stopped him from going any further and he found himself knocking on Arabella Figg's door, his insides writhing with guilt. She had ushered him in and presented him with tea and biscuits. "Come to see Harry again?" she asked with a knowing grin. She saw the pain in his eyes as he nodded and did not pursue the topic, but rather spoke cheerfully of the weather and Dumbledore's latest visit.
'But not this year' Lupin thought grimly. It was Harry's 10th birthday, and he needed to know that somebody cared about him. He was standing at the edge of a park, surrounded by bushes and neat rows of flowers. He had forgotten to borrow Moody's invisibility cloak, so had performed a Disillusionment charm upon himself instead. In the distance, two small figures were walking towards him. The one of the left had to be the Dursley boy, as his bulky shape was reminiscent of James' blundering impersonations of his father, Vernon. And the other... Remus squinted to get a better look, despite himself. That had to be Harry Potter. He looked just like James, except James had never looked that thin, or that serious. He seemed to be deep in thought, his eyes staring into the distance as he followed his cousin.
Harry Potter was deep in thought. He was thinking, or trying not to think, about the beating he would receive when they returned home that evening. Harry knew well that the only reason he was invited to the park was so that he could be later blamed for whatever went wrong. In the past week alone, he had been responsible for crashing two kites and puncturing a football.
Today, Dudley had brought along his most expensive toy yet - a model aeroplane - and Harry felt that his timing could not have been worse. Still, it wasn't much of a birthday, he thought sadly, remembering his single present of a lumpy second-hand jumper. He could only hope that Dudley would take a while to crash the plane, which appeared to be quite sturdy, so that he could enjoy some time on the swings.
Harry looked up. Without realising it, he had walked to the far edge of the park. He could hear Dudley's shouts, far to his left, and the buzz of the model aeroplane's engine starting up. He was turning to head back to the swings, when he saw, or he thought he saw someone standing at the edge of the park. He blinked, and tried to focus, but his eyes had begun to water, as though he was staring at the sun. The trees and shrubs were in their usual place, and did not appear to have changed but there was something there, although he could barely see it. An animal perhaps? The shiver of fear, or something like it, running down his spine answered that question. It - whatever it was - was definitely human.
"Harry!" Dudley's voice broke his concentration and he turned to see his cousin standing at the far end of the park. "Hurry up dumbo! Can't you see it's going to rain?" Harry glanced up at the clouds, which had completely blocked the feeble sun. Forgetting the shape in the bushes, he began to walk towards Dudley, knowing his cousin's impatience.
A twig snapped behind him and Harry turned sharply.
There, on the ground, not far from his feet, was a twenty pound note. Harry picked it up with shaking hands, hardly able to believe his luck. He turned it over in his fingers to see the words 'Happy Birthday' written in dark ink across the middle of the note.
"HARRY!!"
Shoving the note into his pocket, Harry ran to catch up with Dudley, aware of the punishment for "leaving ickle Duddikins to find his own way home." As he reached the corner of Privet Drive, the first drops of rain fell, sticking his hair to his forehead. But inside, Harry's heart soared. Dudley hadn't crashed his plane, it was his birthday and maybe - just maybe - somebody cared.
When Remus knocked on Arabella Figg's door a few minutes later, he was welcomed with the usual steaming mug of tea and plate of biscuits. Glad to have company, Arabella chattered on for a few minutes about her new kitten and the state of her garden. After listening patiently, Remus took advantage of the pause in the conversation as she reached for her mug of tea.
"I went to see Harry."
"You... you did?" Mrs Figg nearly dropped her mug. She stared at him a few moments, seemingly lost for words. Regaining her senses, she said sternly "You didn't speak to the child did you Remus? You know what Dumbledore said."
"No I didn't. I just wanted to see if he was ok." Remus replied, smiling vaguely. "Although, at one point it seemed like he could see through my Disillusionment Charm."
Arabella seemed torn between concern and admiration. "Well," she said, finally "Dumbledore did say he was powerful, young as he is." She glanced at Remus, who took a sip of his tea and gazed contentedly out of the window. He had been worrying her lately; he seemed restless and frustrated. Only a few days before she had told Dumbledore of her concern for him. But today, there were signs of his familiar good humour and, despite the dark lines under his eyes, he looked almost young again.
He turned and met her gaze and smiled, as if at some inner joke. "I looked into his eyes, Arabella. And I didn't see what I expected. There was no anger, no depression or grief."
"What then?" The happiness in his voice was new, too. She would have to tell Dumbledore of this.
Remus' face broke into its first true smile in years. "It was hope." Still smiling, he eyed the empty plate in front of him. "May I have another biscuit?"