What to Say?
- "What the hell am I supposed to say to Dad so he can leave knowing that I'm sorry and that I love him?" -
It was only a day before their father would leave them. They couldn’t understand why he had to leave so soon, but they were still too angry to ask. During class the next day, Professor Lupin avoided his children’s eyes, and they avoided his. The class could sense that something was wrong just by the way Professor Lupin conducted his class. He talked in a harsh and tense voice, often snapping when the simplest question was asked, and then apologising lazily when he realised he had startled his students.
Remus and Rachael weren’t acting much different from their father, though they didn’t snap at anyone. They just sat in their seats, staring determinedly at the wall across from them, trying to act as though their father wasn’t in the room. They still refused to believe that in just a few hours their father would be leaving the country. They would have no idea as to when he would be returning. The bell finally rang, signaling the end of classes for the day and the twins began packing up their books, hoping to get out of the room as quickly as possible. However when they tried to escape, their father called them up to his desk.
They hesitated for a moment; they could pretend they hadn’t heard him. But they didn’t want to be mean, and reluctantly went to see what the professor wanted. He didn’t gesture for them to sit down. He merely leaned on his desk and studied them for a moment before speaking.
“I don’t want to leave with us on bad terms,” he said slowly. He needed to reconcile with his children before he was able to leave. He couldn’t have them mad at him until he got back, whenever that would be. Remus and Rachael nodded, not really agreeing, however. “You realise I’m only doing this for the good of our family. If we didn’t need the money I would never leave you.”
“But can’t you get a job somewhere here?” Remus asked, almost pleading. “Muggle jobs pay well!”
Professor Lupin couldn’t help but smile. His son was right of course. Muggle jobs did offer a considerable salary. He just couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to use magic.
“Remus, if you were in my position would you really want a Muggle job?” Remus thought for a moment, almost answering affirmatively. But he knew this wasn’t a time to joke and therefore shook his head negatively. “That’s what I thought. I have to leave tonight in order to be there by tomorrow. I don’t want to leave with you two still mad at me.”
Remus and Rachael nodded fairly. They didn’t want to be mad at their father either. Even still, they couldn’t help but feel angry at him. It wasn’t as strong a feeling as it was at the beginning, but it was still strong. They just couldn’t grasp the fact that in a few hours time their father would be leaving them, and they wouldn’t know when he was coming back.
Professor Lupin looked down at them, a hint of pleading in his eyes as he asked for his children’s forgiveness. Neither of them knew what to say. They just knew they weren’t ready to say anything at all. Shaking their heads sadly, they rose from their seats and left the room, leaving Professor Lupin watching them, but not thinking that this was a hopeless case.
He sighed and began packing up his books and belongings, hoping that his children would come around to say goodbye by the time he left. And even if they didn’t come to him, he knew they had forgiven him… and that was all he needed.
Rachael sat in the common room waiting for Remus to come down from the dormitory. He had gone up there to do some of his homework, finding the noise of the common room too distracting. However, she doubted that was his real reason for not wanting to be in the common room, as there was hardly anyone in there at all except for a few third years and herself. He was thinking about their dad and whenever he did that he found everything distracting. But she played along with him and said she’d wait for him to come down before she went to dinner.
The two hadn’t decided if they wanted to go see their dad before he left. They knew it was right for them to and it would make him feel better. They were just confused about everything. They really did forgive their dad. They just didn’t want to forgive him because it would make everything final. He would really be leaving. It would also mean for Rachael that she would never have a parent around for her. Remus would still have their mother, who was far out of reach, but she still loved him. Their dad would be across the ocean and, though he loved them, it just wasn’t the same.
It would make her feel better to know that her dad had left without the feeling of sadness overwhelming him. She glanced down at her watch, it read 5:15. She had a good two hours before she had to go and see him.
“Those house elves really outdid themselves today,” came the mocking voice of Sirius. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a dinner so good… Shame I had to eat everything on the table, you would’ve enjoyed it.” Rachael rolled her eyes, though she did think it possible for Sirius to eat everything. He dropped down on one of the armchairs and rubbed his stomach thoughtfully. “I almost felt bad eating James’s dinner, hurt when he hit me though.”
Rachael snorted. “I can imagine,” she said.
“So,” said Sirius, sitting up and folding his arms across his chest. “Your dad’s leaving today?” Rachael nodded. “That’s rough… especially when your mum just got sent to Azkaban today.” Rachael raised an eyebrow at him. Where did he hear that? “Yeah it was in the Prophet today,” he said, knowing what she was thinking.
“And why would they advertise that to the public?” she asked incredulously.
Sirius shrugged. “You know how those people are. They didn’t care that Dumbledore wanted to keep it quiet. Don’t worry; they didn’t go too much into detail about why she did it or anything.”
Rachael sighed in relief; at least she knew why people were looking at her funny now. Though she still found it rude for the reporters to even report what had happened, it was her business and no one else’s.
“How’ve you been feeling?” Sirius asked as he began picking loose threads on the arm of his chair.
“Alright, I guess,” she answered truthfully. “I’m still not recovered yet…”
“I could tell. I knew your mum was horrible, but not that horrible.”
Rachael raised her eyebrow at him. He was right about her mum, but she had also forgotten something he’d said to her at the beginning of the school year. He had stayed at her old house over the summer, which meant he got a first hand account of her mother. She also remembered him saying something about, “I’ll tell her later,” which involved his stay there.
“Sirius,” she said slowly. “You stayed at my old house over the summer, right?” He nodded. “Didn’t you say you were going to tell me about it?”
At first Sirius look confused, as though he didn’t remember what she was talking about. Then a look of comprehension fell into his expression and he nodded quickly.
“I forgot about that,” he admitted. “What with everything going on and all… Your mother was just telling Remus how he shouldn’t talk to your or anything and I got mad and yelled at her, that’s all.”
“Well, what’d she say?”
“The usual stuff you’ve been hearing.”
She nodded. She hadn’t expected anything else really. She had to grin at the thought of Sirius yelling at her mother. Sirius, who was going to be only a thirteen year old in a short while, was yelling at her mother who was a forty three year old. She actually wished she had seen it, it would provide a good laugh for her. She could just imagine how red her mother’s face must have been, probably as red as her, Rachael’s, was the last time she saw her mother. She gave an involuntary shudder at the thought, which luckily Sirius didn’t see.
“I honestly don’t understand how she can be like that,” Sirius said eventually. “She seemed nice when I first met her at your house. (Rachael laughed nervously at the thought of her mother being nice.) But then she doesn’t even listen to you after the second time you almost killed yourself.”
The moment he said that last sentence he knew he had made a mistake, just from looking at his friend’s face. She was looking at him, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open, wondering how he knew that. Sirius mentally kicked himself for saying it. He had promised Remus never to mention that to anyone, including Rachael. For a second she couldn’t speak, not knowing how to react to this. But she finally was able to say something.
“S-second?” she stammered. “What d’you mean?”
Sirius heaved a sigh and murmured that Remus had told him about it over the summer and that he wasn’t supposed to say anything about it.
“I’m sorry,” he said dismally. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”
“You must think I’m crazy,” she muttered, sinking back into her seat.
Sirius looked up at her in disbelief.
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he said honestly. “You’re not crazy at all.”
“Sirius, I tried to kill myself over a week over humiliation. It’s not like they did anything life threatening.”
“But that doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. You’ve had a lot of stuff to deal with. I would’ve been surprised if that thought hadn’t crossed your mind at least once. Besides, craziness isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you know.”
Rachael smiled and rolled her eyes. “Only you would say that.”
Soon after, Remus came down from the dormitory, looking quite impassive about everything that was said to him. The two trooped down to the Great Hall for the end of dinner and discovered that Sirius had actually been telling the truth when he said he felt bad about eating James’s dinner. James was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table, desperately searching for some food, which had become scarce on the table. Remus took a seat beside James while Rachael sought out Lily on the opposite end of the table.
She looked around, trying to find the red head, but she was nowhere in sight. Thinking that she would just go and find her later, Rachael sat down and looked for some food that wasn’t already digesting in Sirius. Unfortunately, there was hardly anything left on the table, save for a biscuit here or there. But there was nothing that would satisfy her for dinner. Shrugging in defeat, Rachael slumped forward in her seat and chewed on a biscuit. She looked at her watch; it was now twenty minutes to six. She had a little over an hour before she had to go see her dad.
She was still hesitant about going to see him. After all, she hadn’t been reasonable when he first brought the subject up. How could she go back to him and act like everything was all right when it really wasn’t? She needed something to say to him, something meaningful that would let him know she forgave him. Her simply saying that she was sorry didn’t seem enough. She didn’t know how long it would be before she saw him again. She shook her head miserably as she tried to think of something, but nothing came to her.
She stole a glance up at the staff table, thinking that her father might be there, but he wasn’t. He was packing up the remainder of his belongings, getting ready for the train ride back to Kings Cross. Even though her dad did have a good reason for leaving, Rachael still had trouble dealing with it, probably more so then if he didn’t have a good reason. She knew he was only doing what he thought was right for the two of them, but somehow that didn’t seem to be a good enough excuse. He’s probably just trying to get away from everything that’s happened, she thought resentfully, and then silently cursing herself for thinking in such a way.
Her father was just as upset about what had happened three weeks ago as she was. She knew that it pained him just as much as it pained her, both physically and mentally. But that still wasn’t a reason to go. He wasn’t the one who had to look over his shoulder at the mention of his wife, she did. She didn’t care about the jobs. Her father didn’t have to move away just to earn enough money to raise his children. She would willingly go back to the orphanage if her father stayed. It would make the stay more bearable knowing that come September she could see her dad again.
That was the one thing she kept telling herself at the orphanage over the summer. She kept repeating it to herself over and over as many times as she could before she actually believed it. You’re going to see Dad again… just a few more weeks. That was her motivation. That was the one thought that prevented her from reenacting the first week of school when she was ten. If she did reenact it, it would’ve worked because she would’ve had her own wand and Ms. Marshall couldn’t stop her. She couldn’t bear to think of her actually succeeding.
She finished her biscuit and looked around the table, realising that she was the only person left at the table. James and Remus had already gone. As she turned around to look around the rest of the hall, she saw that the only other occupants were Madam Pomfrey and Professor Binstom. Madam Pomfrey looked up from her dinner and saw Rachael looking up at them. She smiled and returned to her dinner. After returning the smile, Rachael got up and decided to look for Lily.
She walked up the stairs in the Entrance Hall, hoping to find her friend before she had to go see her dad. She looked around the hallways and saw no one, not a soul. Everyone seemed to be in their common rooms. She looked around the deserted hallway, hoping to find Lily walking up it any minute. She really needed to talk to her friend before her dad left. Lily would know what to say at a time like this, but Lily was nowhere to be seen.
She leaned against the wall and stood there thinking that if she waited long enough maybe Lily would come. She checked her watch again; it read exactly six o’ clock. She had one hour to think up something to say. As she stood there she realised she was slowly developing a headache from thinking of a good last remark to say to her dad. But all it did was give her a headache.
She slid down the wall and held her head in her hands, trying to ignore the throbbing in her head.
“I can’t think of anything,” she groaned, all of the sudden disgusted with herself. “Dad’s going to leave and I’m not going to have anything to say so he’ll know I forgive him.” She looked at the wall across her and vaguely thought that maybe the answer to her problem would come out of it. But to her misfortune the wall did nothing at all. “What am I supposed to say? That I was wrong to think that he was doing this all to escape from his life? That I was a hypocrite for even thinking that ‘cause, if I had the opportunity, I’d do the same? I can’t blame him. I just need something to tell him.” She threw her head back and glared at the ceiling as though it was the cause of her problem. “What the heck am I supposed to say?” she yelled. “What the hell am I supposed to say to Dad so he can leave knowing that I’m sorry and that I love him?”
“Well, if you want my opinion, I think that was the perfect thing you could have said to me,” said a voice from beside her. Rachael turned her head to the side and saw her dad standing beside her, looking down at her with the biggest smile on his face. It was the kind of smile she hadn’t seen from him in a long time. He held out his hand for her and she took it and he helped her to her feet. “If there was anything I wanted to hear more from you than I wouldn’t be a good father,” he said, pulling his daughter into a hug. “All I needed to hear from you was that. And that was all I wanted to say to you. I love you, and I’ll miss you.”