Warning: The author of this, err… unusual, fanfic had consumed about 50 billion Easter chocolates when she wrote this story. Proceed with caution.
Computer screen
“My endeared Ronald,” Harry spoke, “I suggest that we proceedeth.”
“I believe you are correct, brave Harold!” answer Ronald.
And so they proceedethed into the sunset…
Author at computer
“This is so stupid,” Jazz said, banging her head on her keyboard repeatedly. The effect was something like this:
…sunset…hgbvyuhyujnb8uijij8u
The phone rang, relieving Jazz’s head from the keyboard.
“Hullo?” she asked despondently.
“Jazz! It’s Leah!” came an exuberant voice from the other end of the line. “I was just thinking it’s been a long time no see.”
“Oh, hi Leah,” Jazz answered. “Didn’t you just see me five minutes ago? I believe you wanted to borrow a jar of marshmallow fluff.”
“Mnff,” was all Leah got out her mouth full of marshmallow fluff, she swallowed. “Well, yes, but that really wasn’t much of a visit. It was more of a…give me your marshmallow fluff or I’ll make out with your refrigerator kind of thing.”
“Don’t remind me,” Jazz muttered, feeling her spirits droop even lower than they had before.
“Hey, perk up!” Leah babbled, “You’ll get more marshmallow fluff…eventually…”
“It’s not the marshmallow fluff I’m depressed about,” Jazz grumbled.
“Oh really? What is it then?” Leah asked, curious.
“I’m having trouble with my fanfiction,” Jazz admitted.
“Haha sucker, I mean,” Leah coughed, “that’s too bad. I’ll be a kind and considerate friend and make the long trip over to your place.”
“You live right next to me,” Jazz stated.
“Yes, well, the weather isn’t looking too bright,” Leah stuttered, fumbling for more reasons to induce pity.
“We live in an apartment,” Jazz pointed out.
“Gotta go see ya soon bye!” Leah said quickly putting down the phone.
Ding Dong!
“Let yourself in!” Jazz hollered, busy frowning at her computer. She thought that maybe if she glared at it long enough, she would be able to overcome her writer’s block and continue her story.
“You know,” Leah drawled, coming into the computer room of Jazz’s apartment, “you really shouldn’t do that.”
“Do what?” Jazz asked, still frowning at her computer screen.
“Just let people walk into your apartment. Some bad man might come in and kidnap you or worse,” Leah explained.
“Or worse?” Jazz queried, wondering what Leah thought was worse than being kidnapped.
“He could rape your pantry of all its condiments!” Leah whispered in a hushed voice, as though this was the most grievous crime a body could commit.
“No! Not the pantry! God save the condiments!” Jazz cried out sarcastically, before rolling her eyes and glaring at her computer screen again.
“Shut up,” Leah smacked Jazz on the back of the head, miffed. Then she saw a way to make herself feel better, “Do you have any tartar sauce by chance?”
“Why do you want the tartar sauce?” Jazz asked, though she already knew the answer.
“I’m hungry,” Leah said, as though this were obvious.
“In the refrigerator, third shelf down,” Jazz said. Leah turned to find the tartar sauce, Jazz called after her, “You know, I think it’s unhealthy to consume only condiments. Most of us try to eat solid food once in a while!”
But it was too late; Leah was already raiding the fridge.
“So,” Leah said, licking the remains of tartar sauce from the bottle, “this fanfic you’re writing, what kind of problems are you having?”
“I’m just stuck, and the reviewers are begging me for more, but I don’t have anything else to say,” Jazz grumbled, rubbing her temples.
“Come on, it can’t be that bad,” Leah intoned sympathetically, “let’s see what you’ve got so far.”
She peered at the computer screen. For the first five minutes her face remained expressionless, then a corner of her mouth began to twitch. And no, it was not because she was starting to get a seizure, pretty soon she had collapsed to the floor and was laughing out loud. Jazz felt kind of smugly satisfied that she’d been able to make Leah laugh so hard. She knew her writing was funny, but she’d never seen it affect her readers to such an extreme degree before.
“Look Leah,” Jazz said, trying to calm her friend down, “it’s not that funny…”
“You’re right!” Leah spat out between giggles, “it’s not funny at all! That’s the worst fanfic I’ve ever read before in my life.” And with that she fell back down on the floor and began to giggle like crazy again.
“It’s not that bad!” Jazz protested, feeling kind of hurt.
“Oh yes it is,” Leah laughed, “’proceedethed into the sunset’?” She quoted, cracking up, “What kind of verb is proceedethed?”
“It’s Shakespearean!” Jazz argued, feeling very angry with her friend now. “It all ties into the plot! And it’s not that bad!”
“Haha, there’s not one decent sentence in the entire thing!” Leah teased.
“I don’t think you could write anything half as good as this!” Jazz yelled, now very angry with her friend. Glared at her.
“Of course I could!” Leah yelled back, “I’ll bet you I can write the best fanfic in the entire world!”
“Haha, you?” Jazz asked, now she was the one who was laughing, “No you couldn’t.”
“Oh yes I could!” Leah tossed back. “Just you wait, Jazz Blues, I’ll write the best fanfic in the world!”
“You go do that,” Jazz giggled and waved Leah away. Leah stormed out of Jazz’s apartment, making sure to nip a bottle of ketchup on her way. She would show Jazz, she was going to write the best fanfic ever.
For the next two hours, Leah read all the fanfics she could get her hands (well, mouse) on. She laughed, she cried, she flamed, but still, she could not think of one good story idea. She took another swig of ketchup, and her eyes fell upon her little brother’s picture book. It was called The Stinky Cheeseman and other fairly stupid tales.
Intrigued, Leah began to read it. An hour later, she emerged from the book; like the Loch Ness monster does from a library. Her eyes were crackling with a story plot…a very good story plot…
“Mwahaha, mwahahahaha, mwahahahhahahahahahahahaha! It’s brilliant! Brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT!” she cackled evilly and settled down to her computer. Using her elbows, she began to type.
“Oh Jazz…”Leah sang down the hallway of their high school the next morning. “Guess what I have?”
“Meh,” Jazz grumbled, she was still tired from glaring at the computer screen all night. Leah, on the other hand, looked extremely well rested. She held out a sheet of paper to Jazz. “What’s this?” Jazz asked, confused, blinking through her sleep-clogged eyelids.
“Oh, just a little something I like to call,” Leah paused dramatically here, a smug smile on her face, “the best fanfic EVER!”
“What?” Jazz gasped in disbelief, “there’s no way you managed to write an entire fanfic in one night.”
“See ya at lunch,” Leah smirked and gave a little wave before flouncing down the hallway. Jazz turned to the single sheet of paper she had placed in her hand. No,she thought, I’m not going to play her little game, I’m not going to read it. But her curiosity was too strong and she started to read it.
The Best Fanfic Ever
by Leah Solo (the best fanfiction writer ever)
“No,” Harry said, “you can’t do this.”
“Oh yes I can…” said the evil Teddy Bear.
And so the little girl died.
Balloons exploded in the air as…
… they kissed.
A butterfly paused, delicately fluttering onto a leaf but then…
Grawp stepped on top of it!
The poor wizard stared in disbelief at his ruined invention. It was all that remained of the infamous…
…DEMON LLAMA!
“I have a confession to make,” she admitted, biting her lip nervously. “I’m really a…”
Blaise Zambini/ Hermione Granger shipper!
“NO!” Harry yelled out, “I’m not losing you too!”
“You have to move on Harry,” he said, but his voice was growing fainter by the minute. Then his heart stopped and Harry knew that he was
in love with a mudblood! How could such a thing happen to him? He had been raised to
“…feast on my father’s bones!” Lord Voldemort cackled…
…happily as the little butterfly drank the nectar from the beautiful lily.
“You can’t stop me!” Ron yelled, poised to jump. “I’m going to…”
…drop like a dead cow on top of…
“Lord Voldemort, this is it,” Harry panted heavily, “it’s between you and…”
The evil Teddy Bear started rampaging the town the people of the town screamed, but there was no hope.
“No,” he gasped in horror.
“Yes, I know,” she was in tears now. She was sure he would abandon her now that he knew the truth, but all the same, she couldn’t allow herself to live with the knowledge that he didn’t know. Then she felt a soft pressure on her shoulder. She looked up; he was gazing at her, not with horror, but with
DEMON LLAMA EYES!
“A lily, it’s a beautiful flower,” James said, blushing. “Just like your name.”
“Oh, James,” Lily blushed as well, “that’s so…”
“…inappropriate! How could you tell my deepest fears to the world! I trusted you and you just…”
“…killed the Giant Squid!”
“This isn’t the end Voldemort,” Harry stated, gasping for breath.
“Oh yes it is,” Voldemort cackled evilly and…
An atomic bomb of gigantic proportions dropped on the world and erased all signs of life.
The End
Fuming now, Jazz tore the piece of paper to shreds, and then was about to go in search of Leah when the bell rang. Resigned, Jazz walked towards her first hour class. She would have three hours to plot how to confront Leah.
“Leah Solo!” Jazz screamed at her ex-best friend once she entered the cafeteria, “How could you do that?”
“Do what?” Leah asked innocently, sipping on her mini juice box with a straw before eating a spoonful of peanut butter.
“That…thing! That … poor piece of writing!” Jazz struggled for the right words to describe what she had previously read.
“Oh, you mean the best fanfiction ever written?” Leah asked sweetly, smiling smugly.
“Yes! That!” Jazz cried in frustration.
“Well, did you like it?” Leah demanded.
“No! It was completely plagiarized!” Jazz yelled, “There wasn’t single sentence in it that was original!”
“Come now, that’s an exaggeration,” Leah said. “I did come up with one sentence.”
“Oh yeah?” Jazz challenged, “And which one was that?’
“The last one,” Leah ate another spoonful of peanut butter.
“You mean the one about the atomic bomb killing out all signs of life?” Jazz gaped at her friend, no, now ex-friend.
“You’re not going to get away with this,” Jazz stated, shaking her finger in Leah’s direction, “they won’t even accept your fanfic at most sites.”
“We’ll just see about that,” Leah replied sweetly, “I bet I’ll get more reviews than you!”
“Yeah, they’ll all be flames,” Jazz growled. She tossed her head and stalked away. Leah called her back.
“What?” Jazz snapped.
“Since you doubt my writing ability so much,” Leah explained, “how about you read my reviews with me.”
“Deal.” Jazz agreed, her eyes gaining a steely glint of success.
In Leah’s room
“Here,” Leah said, clicking into her email account, “this is my letter of…acceptance!” She said the last part excitedly.
“What?” Jazz gaped in disbelief, “but you didn’t even have the minimum amount of words!”
“Read it yourself,” Leah purred.
Leah’s email of acceptance
Dear Miss Solo,
We would like to congratulate you on writing such a magnificent fanfic. Normally, we expect a minimum amount of words, but in your case, well, it was clear that we could ignore such petty rules for the truly talented writers such as yourself. We hope you will publish all following works on our site.
-HPobssesed08
Back to Leah’s room
“No way,” Jazz said in disbelief. “There’s no way they accepted your fic.”
“And they like it too!” Leah cried delightedly.
“Let’s see what your reviewers say then,” Jazz shot back, recovering from her shock of Leah’s acceptation email. Surely the rest of the fanfiction world would see Leah’s fanfic for what it truly was.
“Okay,” Leah agreed, exuberant from such a positive acceptance email. She logged into her account (BestFanFicWriter05) and clicked on her read-o-meter.
“One million reads!” she cried out in disbelief.
“There’s no way,” Jazz started to argue until she saw the read-o-meter for herself. It had over one million reads on it. Leah eagerly started to read her reviews.
“It’s a bunch of flames,” Jazz stated, though even she, herself was beginning to doubt it.
Reviews for the Best Fanfic Ever!
count: 1,000,000
1st review: This was the most touching fan fiction I have ever read. It made me cry. You are truly a notch above the rest.
2nd review: I laughed, I cried. This story is a work of art. After reading it, I have decided to dedicate my life to serving you, the best fan fiction writer ever!
3rd review: J.K. Rowling has nothing on you. Your talent exceeds all past literature masters. You use words so manipulatively and delicately that I feel compelled to worship you, oh gifted author.
4th review: This should not even be called a fan fiction, it is purely original. You could easily publish this and make your way to number one best seller in a few short hours! The way you use your words to reflect the pointlessness of life and other matters of social disagreement. I could easily write an entire tome about the symbolism in this piece of excellent writing.
5th review: I want to nominate this story for best fanfic ever. Because it truly is, I don’t know if such an award exists, but I think it should come into existence just for this story.
once again, we return to Leah’s room
“The entire fan fiction world has gone mad,” Jazz said in disbelief. “I mean, sure it had a few laughs, but a tome about the symbolism in it? And it wasn’t even your words!”
“They are now,” Leah laughed smugly going through her reviews. They were tons of compliments and even a poem or two dedicated in her honor. “Wow, look at reviewer #13254.”
“What?” Jazz asked, her own curiosity overcoming her.
Review #13254: Marry me. I know its sudden, but after reading you’re fanfic, I have decided that you are the woman for me. Anyone with that much talent is more than worthy of marrying me. In case you have any doubts, here’s my picture, and the picture of your ring.
“Okay, so he’s a little bit of a hunk,” Jazz groaned, rolling her eyes. “But you so do not deserve all of this.”
“A 20-carat diamond,” Leah said, looking at the picture of her possible engagement ring. “I think this might be the guy for me.”
“This is insane!” Jazz cried out, “Has the entire fan fiction world gone nuts?”
“Mmm?” Leah asked, reading movie offers from various organizations. “Do you think I should sign a contract with Warner Bros. or Dreamworks?”
“Leah,” Jazz cried, exasperated.
“Ooh, Pepsi is making a new flavor in honor of my fanfiction.” Leah said, ignoring Jazz.
“This has got to be the apocalypse,” Jazz groaned, pulling hair out of her head, “only that would be capable of making your fanfic loved.”
And then, an atomic bomb of gigantic proportions dropped on the world and erased all signs of life.
“Well, what do you think?” Harry asked Ron, who was reading the final draft of his mugglefic.
“I dunno, the ending seemed a bit abrupt,” Ron said, thumbing through the sheaf of papers. “But I guess that’s because I’m partial to the mugglefic of Martin Miggs.”
“You think our school muggle fiction society will publish it?” Harry asked apprehensively.
“Oh yes, they will,” Ron assured his friend, “just don’t be disappointed when you get flames from the Slytherins.”
“Thanks Ron,” Harry said, grinning at his best friend. “This is sure to be the best Muggle fiction ever!”
He bit into his 51,000,000,000th Easter chocolate and proceeded to submit his story onto the mugglefic database.