Disclaimers: JK Rowling invented Sorting Songs. Here, Brecht and Weil have been given a chance to write one. (Example 1). The tune of the second example is from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance. It is as catchy as winter ‘flu in winter and I wish I’d never, ever heard it.
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The Sorting Hat has not written his own songs for over forty years, and did so only intermittently from 1066, when he argued (quite reasonably) that after six decades of finding rhymes for 'ambition', 'wise' and 'brave' and 'loyal' he was getting bored and would go bonkers if he had to start all over again in French “ Special Relationship between Scotland and France notwithstanding.
Inspired by the Pearl poet, the Hat managed two fine Alliterative versions in the 14th century, whilst Chaucer was the model for an excellent Song in the early 15th (When that Septembre our Swete Youthes Summonne). His most sustained production was in the time of Marlowe and Shakespeare, during which he produced no less than ten Songs in blank verse. Songs were dropped from the Sorting Ceremony altogether during Cromwell’s reign, and not reinstated until the retreat into Hiding. Recovery was not rapid. The high point of the eighteenth century was a pale imitation of Pope, and the nineteenth was particularly weak for want of inspirational models “ the only exception, based on Keats’s Odes, being condemned as too riské. The Hat left versifying almost entirely to Hogwarts' staff after that, until a deputation filed a complaint to Headmaster Dippet saying that lyrical composition wasn't in their job descriptions whilst it was one of the Hat's raisons d'être.
It was only after a disastrous attempt at Concrete Poetry, which left the teachers as well as the students of 1961 completely baffled, that the Hat was relieved of Song duty for good. He makes exceptions only for times of national crisis, when the Song is deployed for warnings and advice.
Hogwarts' staff now dread each end-of-year staff meeting, when the Headmaster announces whose turn it is to Do the Song. Professor Flitwick penned the delightful ditty of 1991, whilst McGonagall was responsible for the rather more earnest effort of 1994. Sprout’s Ode to grafting, planting and nurturing the student seed in its correct House soil almost gave the game away “ the Hat’s authorship of the Songs being the Wizarding World’s equivalent of the Tooth Fairy, Sprout was duly reprimanded. This was nothing, though, to the scolding Snape got for his version of 1982: a sinister little number to the tune of Mac the Knife that had half the firsties sneaking back to the boats; and the other half (mainly Slytherins and Ravenclaws, with whom it was a cult hit) tormenting them with Louis Armstrong impersonations. The Hat did a Lotte Lenya.
I'm the Hat that
Reads your mind, dears,
And there's nothing
You can hide.
I will put you
In your place, which
Seven years you
Must abide.
I am skilled in
The detection
Of the crucial
Inner trait,
That determines
My selection,
Making Charac-
ter your Fate.
See the Gryffin-
dor whose roaring
Opens wide that
Fearsome face.
But the Slyther-
in keeps venom
In a much less
Obvious place.
And the Huffle-
puff so tender,
Never preda-
tor but prey;
Whilst the Raven-
claw soars highest,
Asking ‘Why?’ far
From the fray.
Now that Peacetime
Follows Wartime,
All our conflicts
Are dismissed.
But in learning,
And in yearning,
House distinctions
Will persist.
So the Lion
Crams for glory
What the Eagle
Reads for joy.
With the Badger,
Learning’s duty,
For the Serpent
It’s a ploy.
Know that Gryffin-
dors in love are
Not a force to
Be ignored.
Whereas Raven-
claws are guarded “
Consequently,
They’re adored.
And the Huffle-
puff’s affections
Are most steady
And serene.
But in Slyther-
ins Indifference
And Obsession
Find no mean.
Does Determin-
ism gall you,
Do you think you
Have no choice?
Well I Sort you
Out to suit you,
So you might as
Well rejoice.
Yes, whichever
House you go to,
You were meant to,
So rejoice.
The Headmaster henceforth accompanied Song requests with the words "Something nice and cheerful that nervous eleven year olds can grasp.” This was obvious to everyone except the sulking Potions Master, who refused to apologise for anything but overusing enjambent ("I was not born under a scanning planet!") and vowed never to compose a tribute to Muggle culture again. The Hat thought this a pity. He loves doing Lotte Lenya impressions(and he can, for she had a very deep voice).
The so-called Millennium Song (1999) was Cheerful with a vengeance. Written when the Wizarding world was still in the flush of victory over Voldemort, it was a clear attempt to counter a wartime trend bemoaned by the Hat “ of students flatly refusing to be Sorted to ‘Death Eater House’. Perhaps this explains why the newly-appointed head of Slytherin, Professor Sinistra (amiable as her name) got away with the lyrics. That, or the fact that Dumbledore was a huge fan of Gilbert and Sullivan.
I AM the very MOdel of a MOdern major GEN-er-al is a 'patter song': it is sung very fast. The Hat took the precaution of reinforcing his brim with a zip (that glinted a tad malevolently in the candlelight). People were impressed enough with the hard work he put into his performance to ask for an Encore. Plus they didn't follow a word the first time round.
1
When Hogwarts’ founders Snuffed It round about the first millennium,
Their rivalries and foibles never crossed the Lethe’s banks with them;
For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor
Bequeathed me their authority to pick the House you’re suited for.
2
Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,
A Sorting Hat gets access to your innermost reality.
Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical
Proclivities will point me to the path that proves so critical.
3
Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,
And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.
They’ll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not be missed -
If you can stick their heartiness and aren’t too individualist.
4
The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,
To make up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.
You'll never lie or steal or cheat for laziness is criminal -
An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.
5
The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,
The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,
Whose credo Cogitamus ergo sumus makes the best hot air -
And if you didn’t get all that, Don’t Panic, I won’t put you there.
6
The virtues of the Serpent’s house are swathed in deepest mystery,
But only slaves to simpleness would shun its chequered history,
With drive that sends you far in life and calculating brilliance-
A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.
7
But now my tender audience I’m sure that you have heard enough
Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,
My job’s to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes or threats or tears,
Just put me on and trust me “ I’ve been doing this a thousand years.
Staff were delighted to hear firsties asking each other what the Third World was and where House-elves lived: the Song’s Muggle references exemplified post-Voldemort Political Correctness. (Snape was too dead to remind anyone that he'd done this seventeen years earlier.) A few were miffed that Slytherin got the best press; especially when the most interesting-looking students (cunning enough to foreground their greatest ambitions when under the Hat) were Sorted there. Professor Sinistra claimed she was only making up for having the scum dumped in Slytherin every year - a view hotly denied by Professor Spout, who said she got all the hopeless ones.
The Sorting Hat song of 1999 may not have achieved quite the popularity Professor Jordon's Rap version of 2006* , but it did make it to the footnotes of Hogwarts, A History as 'One of the only Songs in which the description of the Houses is not wholly positive.’
*Go on - someone write it - Dare You!