DISCLAIMER - JK Rowling owns all of Harry Potter and its characters. I'm so glad she does!
Trust me when I say that the rest of the chapters are 100000000% more hilarious than this one. I wrote this one in 10 minutes from a weird inspiration after I read "Confessions of Lord Voldemort" or something similar to that. (I know there's no connection) The rest of the story is really hilarious and it'll give you six-packs and stuff (I'm not really sure what that is). If you don't believe me, look at the reviews...well, except for the one that told me to get writing lessons and drink hot cocoa.
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Chapter 1 -- How Draco, Vincent and Gregory found out the bad news in a chapter with an extremely long title
On Sunday, September 1st, as Slytherin sixth-year Draco Malfoy walked up the wet, slippery steps leading up to the Great Hall, he suddenly felt butterflies in his stomach. That was very strange, since he had walked up these same steps for six years straight, and he had never felt so queasy before. Maybe it was the stupid Lemon Pledge scent that Senor Filch had sprayed on the steps; maybe it was the heavy streams of air that his cronies, Vince and Greg breathed onto his skinny neck; or maybe it was the sight of that pretty bushy-haired, large-teethed brunette making her way through the annoying crowd that HAD to separate them. (No, it's not Hermione Granger ... it's Millicent Bulstrode)
Anyway, Draco felt strangely stiff as he stepped into the Great Hall, which was filled with people and buzzing noises. He took a seat next to Pansy Parkinson at the Slytherin table; he had sat next to her since he found out in fourth year that he could play virtual connect-the-dots with the pimples on her face.
The Slytherins groaned as Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster, stepped up to make a speech. However, that wasn't one of Draco's worries anymore; he was having fun creating a duck with Pansy's pimples, and hardly heard Dumbledore's tedious words.
"We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year, of course," Dumbledore suddenly said, causing Draco to look up quickly. Was it finally going to be Senor Snape? Please, don't let it be him, Draco thought desperately. Snape simply WASN'T fit for the DADA position; he imagined that all Snape would do during class would be to make them take excessive notes, write long essays, and poke fun at Potter's handicappedness (if that is even a word). Even though Draco was Potter's naturally enemy, he was really tired of making fun of him. It was always the same lame jokes ... Potter wearing a calico tutu ... Potter lapping from a toilet ... Potter going around bragging about his new girlfriend, some Muggle named Tom Cruise ...
"But our new teacher has not yet arrived," Dumbledore went on, and the students groaned softly. "However, we have added an exciting and educational event to this year's curriculum ... the foreign-exchange program."
"I think that's the one where we interview Lindsay Lohan," Vince mumbled in Draco's ear. Draco smirked. Lindsay Lohan? She wasn't twice as hot as Jennifer Garner. And she was no match for Tom Felton, who is just the most gorgeous person ever born. Draco blushed inside as he recalled that he had hidden a photo album of Dan Radcliffe, the rad bad hit actor, under his mattress to accompany the sneakoscope that flashed whenever Draco went inside his dorm.
"No, my dear Vincent, I believe it is a great honor bestowed only to those who are of fine heritage and intelligence," quipped Greg. The dunce had gone to Costa Rica in the summer and gotten an electronic brain installed in his empty shell of a head. Now he was as smart as a whip.
"The foreign exchange program consists of two partners in education switching several students to attend the other school for a semester or two," said Dumbledore. "Of course, we will only select the most trustworthy, handsome, intelligent, respectful, and hip students to participate in the program. That is why we have picked Messers Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle."
A/N: I wrote this chapter in 10 minutes so now I've edited it more carefully and spaced it. Trust me, the following chapters are 60,000% more insane, random and hilarious.
Wow, repetitive. REVIEW! And maybe I'll make Draco the new president. No, I'm just kidding. (You have to be born in the United States to be president).