Chapter 10 The Quest to Find Draco’s Body and Revive Cho Before High School Starts
Once Draco, Vince and Greg were in their new room, they locked up the door, and Draco unzipped his bag to pull Cho’s limp body out. “Okay, we have GOT to get my real body back and to revive her. Any ideas?”
“You could always write to the Ministry of Magic,” Vince suggested.
“Vince, the Ministry of Magic almost arrested me! We have to think up a good plan. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go to the Department of Mysteries?”
Greg’s jaw dropped and the banana in his mouth fell out. “Draco, are you out of your mind?”
“Nope. If Potter and his friends could get in there, so can we. We’re going to look for a cure in there. What do you think, Vince?”
“Good. What’s the Department of Mysteries?”
Draco sighed impatiently. “Father told me that people called Unspeakables study mysterious things in there. There’s a good chance that they also study half-boy, half-girl bodiless creatures who frequently get put into French maid costumes.”
“Man, your life sounds pathetic,” Vince muttered.
Draco ignored him. “But we’ll have to miss school.”
“No, we won’t,” Greg said. “Remember? Callihorn’s on a one-week break right now. We’ve got a week off.”
“That’s good,” Draco said. “When do we leave?”
“Tonight. The McHohos will be asleep.”
“Hey, guys!” Carl McHoho popped up as the door fell onto the floor. “Oops. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength. Anyway, Ellie and I just want to tell you that we’re going to be staying up all night tonight to celebrate the Hillbillies vs. Yankees soap opera/dramedy marathon! See you guys at the TV!”
“Okay, bad stroke of luck,” Greg said.
“We’ll PUT them to sleep,” Draco said.
Vince gasped. “You mean kill them?”
“No, that’s animal language,” Draco said. “We just need some magical help.”
***
Voldemort, dressed like a certain Egyptain god, walked up the red carpet slowly. He was holding a staff and wearing a long chin. Right behind him were three mourners, crying silently for the death of Bobby. Then came the coffin, carried by two Death Eaters. Following them was Macnair, singing what was supposed to be the funeral march.
“Love me tender
Love me sweet
And never let me go
You have made my life complete
And I love you so
Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will
Love me tender
Love me long
Take me to your heart
For it’s then that I belong
And we’ll never part
Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will
Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will.”
“Representing Elvis’ undying love for Bobby,” Macnair hastily explained, seeing the others’ shocked faces.
Bellatrix was dressed as the goddess Isis, since she would be bringing Bobby, who was dressed like Osiris, back to life. She walked up to the coffin and lifted the lid. Inside was a styrofoam pink mask with red and white hearts covering a tangled ball of cotton. Voldemort turned and sobbed on the shoulder of Sheldon, who was the Best Man. (?????????!!!!!??????)
Lucius walked up onto a small platform. “Ahem,” he cleared his throat and began. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Tom Marvolo Riddle and Bobby Nomiddlenamegiven Riddle in holy matrimony.”
“I thought this was a funeral!” Voldemort protested.
“Yeah, but you guys have to get married first,” Lucius said. “Isn’t that right, Andy?”
“It certainly is, Lucius,” said Andy Dolohov, who was the Maid of Honor. (double ?????????!!!!!?????? )
“Okay, proceed,” Voldemort said.
“Oh, wait, Tom, you’re not dressed up,” Sheldon fussed. “Dolohov, make yourself useful and bring in a tuxedo for the nice groom!”
“Yes, Sheldon.” Andy meekly went to fetch a black tuxedo and a black bow tie. He and Sheldon dressed Voldemort in the appropriate clothes and then put a small tuxedo and black bow tie on Bobby.
“Wait,” Voldemort interrupted again. “We can’t get married. We’re both boys.”
“Actually, Bobby is a girl,” Sheldon said dryly. He ripped the tux off Bobby and put on a white veil and lacy dress on Bobby. “Better?”
”Much.”
Lucius cleared his throat again. “What is love?”
SIX HOURS LATER
“May I have the rings, please?” Lucius asked.
Andy and Sheldon brought the rings up on a heart-shaped pillow. Lucius gave a ring to Voldemort and Bobby, aka tangled ball of cotton.
“Now, Tom,” Lucius said. “Place this ring on Bobby’s finger and say, ‘with this ring, I thee wed.”
“With ring this, thee wed I.” Voldemort placed the ring on Bobby’s finger, aka a piece of tangled cotton.
“And Bobby,” Lucius continued. “Place this ring on Tom’s finger and say, ‘with this ring, I thee
wed.”
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Lucius cleared his throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Voldemort cleared his throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Sheldon cleared his throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Andy cleared his throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Bellatrix cleared her throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
Macnair cleared his throat.
Bobby didn’t do anything.
There was a long, awkward silence…
Lucius quickly took a piece of Bobby and used it to place the ring on Voldemort’s finger. “There,” he said in a squeaky voice used to mimmick Bobby. “Ring with this, wed I thee.”
“I always told you people Bobby wasn’t an inanimate object,” Voldemort said proudly, looking around him.
“Now, Tom,” Lucius said. “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
“Bobby, do you take this…uh…cyborg…ahem…I mean, MAN, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?”
Bobby didn’t say anything.
Lucius cleared his throat…
“I do,” Lucius quickly squeaked for Bobby.
“You may now kiss the bride.”
“Oh, Bobby, mwah!” Voldemort kissed the cotton. “Now we can bury you.”
“I now present to you--- Mr. and Mrs. Tom Marvolo Riddle!”
“Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!” cried the Death Eaters.
Macnair began singing again. “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family!”
“Oomph!” he was shoved to the side. Andy began singing, “I hate you, you hate me, let’s kick Barney off a tree and a one-two-three-four Barney’s on the floor, no more purple dinosaur.”
“Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!” cried the Death Eaters…again.
Bellatrix took Bobby inside to sew him back together while everyone went to the reception for the wedding cake that Sheldon baked for this happy occasion.
***
”All rat! Yee-haw!” Carl boomed from the couch as the family crunched popcorn on the couch for the Hillbillies vs. Yankles soap opera/dramedy marathon. Draco, Vince and Greg went downstairs, their wands poised.
“Boom them Yankee cannons! Dagnabbit!” Ellie cried.
“He-he-he-he,” Nerd breathed from his inhaler.
“One…two…three…” Draco muttered.
“Petrificus Totalus!” the three of them hissed.
The family turned into stone.
“Okay,” Draco said. “Coast’s clear.”
He hoisted Cho’s body over his shoulder, and the three of them walked over to the fireplace. “I had Mojo hook it up to the wizarding floo network,” Draco explained. He threw the dust into the fireplace, and it turned green. He stepped into it. “The Ministry of Magic!” he cried, and soon he was tumbling out of the fireplace in the Ministry.
Greg and Vince stumbled out behind him. “Quick, hide Cho,” Draco hissed. Greg stuffed her into a bag again, and they walked over to the desk.
“Name?” asked a wheezy wizard.
Draco decided against his real name. “Uh…uh…Joey Gladstone.”
“And your purpose?”
“To revive an innocent young girl and to get myself out of a half-gender body?”
“Here you go.”
His badge read: Joey Gladstone, reviving an innocent young girl and to get himself out of a half-gender body.
“Boy, can you paraphrase,” Draco muttered.
“Name?” the wizard asked Greg.
“Uh…Danny…Tanner.”
“Your purpose?”
“Same as him…except for the half-gender part. I’m here for the bananas.”
“Okay. Here’s your badge. Name?”
“Uh…Stephanie Tanner?”
“You don’t look like a Stephanie,” the wizard eyed him suspiciously. “You’re more of a Kimmy Gibbler.”
“No, not Kimmy Gibbler! How about…Jesse Katsopolis?”
“Purpose?”
“Same as them…except for the half-gender and bananas part. I’m here to check out babes.”
“Okay.” His badge read: Jesse Katsopolis, reviving an innocent young girl and to check out the babes.
“You can’t check out babes,” Draco hissed to him. “You’re married to Rebecca Donaldson.”
“Not in this world.”
They stopped at the Department of Mysteries and opened the plain black door. And then they were in a spinning room (A/N: you know the drill: if you’ve read OotP, you don’t need the details) with doors and stuff. Draco opened one of them. It led to an office full of wizards writing on desks or conducting experiments.
They crept in quietly. Then a wizard in purple robes and a pointy bright green hat looked up and saw them. “You’re not supposed to be in here,” he said suspiciously.
“We’re your new co-workers?” Draco lied.
“Well, welcome!” the man hopped up. “I’m Lawrence Sheffield. Shall I give you a tour?”
“That would be delightful,” Greg responded.
“All right, follow me,” Lawrence beamed at them. They walked past a group of wizards scribbling on pieces of parchment and whispering to each other. “What are they doing?” Vince inquired.
“They’re predicting possibility,” Lawrence explained.
“How do you do that?”
“Well, you make possibilities and predict their algebraic sequences.”
“That makes absolutely no sense.”
“Well, don’t ask me. I don’t work with them.”
“Who do you work with?” Draco asked. Cho’s body, which was covered by an invisibility cloak, slumped over to one side and almost knocked him over.
“You okay?” Lawrence looked at him curiously.
“Y-yeah,” Draco breathed, straightening up. “Go on.”
“I study love,” Lawrence said in a mystic and hushed voice.
“Uh…” all three of them stared at him.
Lawrence muttered an incantation and waved his wand. Suddenly he had long hair that went to his waist, a pair of brownish glasses with tiny lenses, an ugly brown robe, sandals, and a little guitar.
“Love,” he said in the same mystic voice. “It’s all about love, peace, brother. Love is a kind of emotion…” he struck the guitar gently, “that carefree dudes like me feel…” he struck the guitar again, “when we’re frolicking through the meadows…” another one. “Or when we’re in the tranquility of our peace and love homes…it gives us a sort of feeling…” another one. “We feel all warm inside…when we feel love. Peace, love, joy, brother. Those matter. They’re in your heart.” He ended by placing a hand over his heart and gazing dreamily at them behind his tiny glasses. He conjured a swing and began swinging back and forth while colorful flowers (mostly pink) showered him.
“Dude,” was all Draco could say.
Lawrence suddenly changed back into himself. “So now you understand love,” he said. “Moving on…” they passed a group of wizards with large copies of world maps and rulers. “Now these people are trying to create new worlds.”
“Huh?” the three looked at him in confusion.
Lawrence sighed. “Ever read that muggle book, The Witch, the Lion, and the Wardrobe? You know, those Narnia series?”
“Yeah, we had to do a book report on that in muggle studies,” Greg said eagerly.
“They have this wardrobe thing, and when they step into it, they go into a new world called Narnia. It’s completely different from the one that they’re used to living in. Think you get it now?”
All three nodded.
“And these people…”
“Lawrence, Lawrence, Lawrence,” Draco interrupted. He was seconds away from falling onto the floor from Cho’s dead weight. “That’s all very interesting and all, but there’s something that we have to look up.”
“Look up? All our books are back in that room,” Lawrence pointed. “Don’t touch the pink ones. Side effects include nausea, itching, burning, masses of fur growing in inappropriate places, removal of a buttock, lower body turning into a penguin, Elvis impersonating, and more.”
“Thanks, Lawrence. It was nice meeting you.”
“Anytime!”
Once Lawrence had walked off (Love…peace…groove…brother…), Draco, Vince and Greg hurried into the room. It was filled with dusty cardboard boxes that apparently hadn’t been opened or touched in years.
“Achoo!” Greg sneezed as he bent down to open one of the boxes. “The dust’s pretty thick. Oh, look, a pink book. Let’s see what it’s about.”
“No, Greg, Lawrence said not to touch them!” Draco said.
“Too late,” Vince muttered. Greg was already holding a pink book in his hand.
“Greg!” Draco exclaimed.
Greg didn’t speak. Instead, he slowly bent down, and Draco saw with horror that thick black hair was sprouting from his arms, and his jaw was enlarging.
“GREG!” Vince cried.
Greg raised one of his arms, and slowly, he scratched his armpit. “Ooh, ooh,” he made a noise and scratched his scalp. “Ooh, ooh.”
“Oh my…” Vince said.
Draco voiced what he was thinking.
“HE’S TURNED INTO A CHIMPANZEE!”
“Ooh, ooh,” Greg grunted again.
“It’s okay,” Vince said, shrugging. “It’s not like anyone’s going to notice the difference.”
“Ooh, ooh.”
“He says he needs a banana,” Vince said.
Draco stared at him with shock. “You speak monkey?”
“What? Someone in the family had to,” Vince shrugged.
“Ooh.”
“And he also wants to maul the Lawrence guy,” Vince said. “Hey, Draco, let’s go to Diagon Alley and buy him a leash.”
Greg grunted one more time and sprinted out of the room on his extremely long and hairy arms.
“He wants to maul Lawrence?” Draco exclaimed. “Vince, we gotta stop him!”
They chased after Greg, who was sprinting at the speed of an airplane. He turned a corner, and when they reached it, he had disappeared.
“Oh, no! Where’d he go?” Draco moaned.
“This is why you need a leash,” Vince said matter-of-factly.
“SHUT UP!” Draco yelled at him.
Just then, they heard a bloodcurdling scream from another room. Greg was mauling Lawrence, and Lawrence was being mauled.
“Help me, I’m being mauled!”
“He’s being mauled!”
“I know, stop screaming!”
They ran into the room. Draco pointed his wand at Greg and yelled, “Expelliarmious!”
Greg’s arms immediately went on fire. He screeched in pain and huddled in a corner while Lawrence straightened up. His robes were torn. “Thank you so much, Joey Gladstone,” he told Draco. “If you ever get mauled, I’ll save you for sure.”
“Uh, okay,” Draco said.
Lawrence left the room, muttering about ointment while Greg the Chimp turned slowly back to Greg the…er…Not so much Chimp. “W-what’s going on?” he asked dazedly. “Ow, my arms hurt.”
Draco decided not to tell him. “Come on, we have to go back to the book room.”
“Oh, yeah!” Greg said. “I know how to revive her!”
“What?” Draco was shocked.
“That pink book provided me with knowledge. I guess they give you what you need only after you suffer.” He shuddered. “Where’s Cho?”
“Here.” Draco lifted the body off his shoulder and removed the Invisibility Cloak. Cho lay there like a cold statue.
Greg pulled out his wand. “Ennervate!” he cried.
Suddenly, Draco’s body appeared on the floor next to Cho. He felt his spirit leave the half-gender body and drift into the other one. The half-gender body split itself, and the girl half went to Cho while the boy-half went to Draco. Draco and Cho both woke up.
Cho rubbed her head. “Uh…what’s going on?” she mumbled.
“Nothing,” Draco lied.
“Oh, okay…wait a minute! Why am I in the Ministry of Magic?”
Draco had to explain the whole thing to her. By the time he finished, her eyes were wide. “Wow! That is SO exciting!”
“We have to send you back now,” Greg said.
“No!” Cho said. “I want to stay here.”
“But why?” Vince asked.
She rolled her eyes. “Hello? Barbie? Ron eats the last cupcake? Nails? Truth and Dare? Who’s hotter, Johnny Depp or Gary Oldman? The Goth Geek Gray Lady? Trust me, I’ve had enough.”
“But where are you going to stay?” Draco asked.
“Silly, I’ll stay with you in America,” Cho said. “It’s going to be fun.”
“Aww…” all three of them groaned.
“If you don’t let me, then I’ll force you to play Barbie and eat makeup,” she said.
“All right, you can stay,” Draco sighed.
“Yay!” she stood up and grabbed all three of them. “Come on! I want to know all about America. Do they REALLY paint whale stomachs as school projects? Oh, and…”
They stepped into the fireplace and went back to the McHoho’s place.