Chapter 12 Lost
“Oh, zees country is much better zan Egypt!” Voldemort exclaimed as he walked down the corridor. “Zee birds are free, zee flowers bloom, and zee Potions master is hot!” he added as Snape gave him the Evil Eye.
“Oh, he’s SO foreign!” sighed a long queue of giggling girls.
“Have I taken over this castle or what?” Voldemort said smugly to Lucius once they were out of earshot. “I am rather skilled at enchanting people, aren’t I?”
“Yes,” Lucius admitted reluctantly. “I…gasp!”
“What is it?”
“I just saw Dobby going past.”
“Dobby?”
“That conniving, evil house elf I used to own! He left us without ironing out the rest of my silk pantyhoses. I must take my revenge!”
“Lucius, I TOLD you to stop using big words around me.”
“I will magic the loincloth off that elf!” Lucius lunged after the elf and turned into another corridor.
“Oh, Lucius,” Voldemort sighed. “Wait up! I have RHEUMATISM, for Pete’s sake!”
He chased after Lucius. They turned into another corridor, and then another one. Soon he bumped into Lucius from behind. “Where are we?”
“I don’t know. I think we’re lost.”
“You IDIOT!” Voldemort thundered. They were in a tiny and dark passage. “Oh, my blessed, I’m scared deathly of the dark. Do you have your wand, Lucius?”
“Yes, but we need at least three pieces of wood and a flintstone to burn a fire to light this place…”
“I swear, your skull is thicker than……mine. Do an illusionment charm!”
“Okay. Lumos.”
The passageway was lit up from a small light in Lucius’ wand. Voldemort walked around, trying to feel the walls or another corridor. His hand came in contact with a small wooden door. “Hey, I found a door!”
“There’s probably monsters inside,” Lucius said fearfully.
“Oh, puh-lease,” Voldemort opened the door. He quickly closed the door as a ferocious roar came from inside. “Oh, look, another door. Hey, there’s a mirror inside!”
“It’s the Mirror on the Wall!” Lucius exclaimed. He ran inside to stand in front of it and did a rather creative rap melody. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all? Let it be Lucius or let it be Tom, let it be someone other than my mom!”
“No, you moron, it’s the Mirror of Erised,” Voldemort shoved Lucius aside.
“Hey, I see myself holding a pair of ruby high heels,” Lucius said.
“And I’m frolicking in a field of flowers with the Easter Bunny.” Voldemort sighed dreamily. “Ah, that’ll be the day…”
***
“I ain’t got nobody that I can depend on. Just me, myself and I…”
“SHUT UP!”
“Just trying to lighten the mood,” Lucius pouted and stopped singing.
“Get out your wand and conjure us some food. I’m starving.”
“Okay.” Lucius went into the dark corner for some reason and came back later in a white-and-black striped shirt, a white chef hat, and a hideous black moustache with a little pipe sticking out from the side of his mouth. “Ah, zee customer. Our special today ees zee grande cROIssANt wees a leetle butter on zee side.” He managed in a dreadful French accent. “No, deed I say eet right? CROISSANT! CrOISSANT! CROISSANT!”
“Oh, be quiet and serve me the CROISSANT!”
“Hey, you said CROISSANT! CROISSANT is such a cool word, isn’t it? CROISSANT!”
“Stop saying CROISSANT!”
***
Wow, that is the most time anyone has used the word ‘croissant’. Or is it CROISSANT???!!!???!!
***
“Hey, Butch, why aren’t you dressed like a celebrity today?” Draco asked when he walked into chemistry and saw a disgruntled Butch sitting there in a red-and-white checkered shirt and jeans.
Butch looked up at Draco, his pupils contracting. “The movie affected me profoundly.”
“…Right.” Draco sat down beside Butch.
“Hey, Draco,” a blonde girl came over to smile at him.
“Hi, V-”
Draco was interrupted by Vince and Greg, who had burst into the classroom in ballerina tutus, carrying dead salmon, and yelling, “I’m a muffin, I’m a muffin!” at the top of their voices.
“Draco, we had the best time in Home Ec!” Greg yelled.
“Yeah, we learned to sew tutus, make salmon sauce, AND waste forty-five minutes thinking up ridiculously useless nonsense phrases to shout at random times!” They looked at each other ecstatically. “WE’RE MUFFINS!”
“Those are your friends?” Vanessa, the blonde girl asked, her eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, we’re like bowtruckles on a wand-tree!” Vince snorted stupidly. “Draco is just like us, except muggles think he’s hotter!”
“I know you are, but what am I?” Greg squeaked in a nasally imitation of Pee Wee.
***
“I’m telling you, master, I am entertainment. When people look up ‘entertainment’ in the dictionary, they find my name under it. My name comes up whenever the word ‘entertainment’ is mentioned. My name has a letter in common with ‘entertainment’. My name screams entertainment. See, when the curtains go up and the man in the suit goes, ‘it’s time for entertainment’, people scream my name, ‘Lucius, Lucius, Lucius’-”
“All right, I get it,” Voldemort interrupted.
“Yeah. So since we’re lost in this place, I might as well provide you some entertainment because…” Lucius laughed. “That’s what I do. I entertain.” He cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen…”
“There’s only gentlemen in here,” Voldemort interrupted.
“Well, maybe one of us is alady,” Lucius said through hushed tones.
“O…kay.” Voldemort was creeped out. “Go ahead.”
“My performance of Ducks, the Musical.” Lucius bowed. He jumped into a dark corner and came out soon with a sparkly white show suit on. Then he began to sing. “When you’re a duck, you’re a duck all the way. From the first time you QUACK, to the next time you WAKE…”
“Boo! Hiss! Boo!” Voldemort began throwing tomatoes onto Lucius.
“Fine, someday I’ll find an audience that appreciates me for who I am,” Lucius sniffed.
“I recommend the Hare Krishna cult or Jerry Springer,” Voldemort commented.
***
By the third day, Voldemort and Lucius were tired, irritated, and completely lost. Every corridor they went into led to more corridors, and sometimes they saw objects they were sure that they had seen before. Voldemort had to drag his wobbly, skinny legs with him, and Lucius was inching across the floor like a giant caterpillar. More unfortunately, the torches on the walls were burning out, and they were reduced to staying close to Lucius’ feeble source of light from his wand. (On a happier note, Lucius found a galleon on the floor and named it Phil.)
It was on the fourth afternoon that they finally turned into a new corridor and gasped with amazement (and asthma) when they saw a light coming from the other end. After rushing to investigate, they saw that it was a tiny window just wide enough for a thin man to crawl through.
“We’re saved!” Voldemort cried jubilantly as he made haste to peer out of the small opening. “I can see the Quidditch field from below! Oh, and there is…” he hissed venomously. “Him.”
“The tangerine man?” Lucius asked excitedly, coming to join Voldemort.
“No,” hissed Voldemort. “Him.”
He pointed at a skinny figure zooming skillfully across the Quidditch stadium. He had untidy dark hair and emerald green eyes that blinked from behind round spectacles. He laughed giddily, hit himself on the head with his broom, then laughed again and hit himself again, repeating the bizarre cycle.
“I received information that Potter was banned from playing Quidditch!” Voldemort spat. “What is he doing here now?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Lucius said absent-mindedly, filing his nails. “I guess they let him play after Drowsy Umbrella retired early or something.”
“Look at him laugh,” Voldemort hissed. “Look at his giddiness. It’s revolting.”
Potter laughed giddily, hit himself with his broom, and began having spasms on it.
“I guess he’s happy that he got back onto the team,” Lucius said.
“Yes, that would be it…” Voldemort said slowly. “He’s wearing a badge! He’s the Captain?!”
“Yep, sure is.”
“This is outrageous!” Voldemort yelled, banging his fist on the window pane and whimpering to cuddle it after the pain kicked in. “Potter is Dumbledore’s favourite boy already, and now he’s the Quidditch Captain? I will not tolerate this! I will take action!”
“What are you going to do, Mas’er?”
“I will…” Voldemort’s eyes traveled up and down the field. “Join the Slytherin Quidditch Team and beat Potter in the next match.”
“But you could barely fly when you were in school, remember? They even made a song about you.” Lucius began to sing it.
Riddle is our queen
Riddle’s real name is Maureen
You won’t believe how clumsy he’s been
Riddle’s a nerdy teen
Riddle always wants his mummy
‘Specially when he’s feeling crummy
He doesn’t taste yummy
Riddle is a complete dummy
Voldemort’s chin shook with suppressed rage. “Don’t remind me,” he hissed coldly, stepping away from the window. “You’ll see, Malfoy. You’ll all see. I’m going to get on the Slytherin Quidditch Team, I will beat Potter, and I will then perform my evil victory laugh. Then I will take over Hogwarts and the wizarding world and force everyone to live in a world dominated by…ME! Mwahahahahahaha!” he laughed, stroking his nonexistent beard and ignorant of the fact that he was so delirious that he was drooling.