“Draco, I really think we’d be better off if we just give up and go to the muggle school,” Vince said after Draco’s 1734255th plan of that day had failed. The three of them, their faces sweaty and grim from defeat, were walking sulkily back to their common room.
“No,” insisted Draco. “I’ll come up with something. Just give me a minute to think.”
“I know,” said Greg. “Why don’t we go pack our bags and get ready for the farewell ceremony?”
“What?” Draco jumped up and shook Greg by the shoulders. “There’s a farewell ceremony?”
“Yep,” Vince said. “In honor of us. It will be held Thursday night at 7 p.m. in the Great Hall,” he read off some scribbles on his pudgy index finger. “To celebrate (or … *reluctantly* send our Hogwarts heroes on their way to the exciting and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that awaits them in America, the land of milk, honey, expensive attorneys, Elvis impersonators and … well, other things) the leave of our beloved (attention students! That was NOT a misprint/typo!!!) Messers Malfuy, Crabjhne and gOyak … (who cares how their names are spelled? The important thing is, the little rascals are out of here in a week!). Bring … ”
Vince frowned. “Oh, no, the ointment … must have … washed it off,” he faltered, seeing the other two gape at him. “It says to bring something …I just forgot what it was. Blame my microscopic attention span,” he added quickly.
Greg sighed deeply. “I blame Vincent Bartholomew’s microscopic attention span … ”
“Wait,” Draco interrupted, cracking up. “Bartholomew? Vince, your middle name is BARTHOLOMEW?!”
“Don’t you find the color pink cute and adorable?” Vince babbled, trying to change the subject.
“Bartholomew, Barty, Barty,” Draco taunted.
“Oh yeah?” Vince’s brows furrowed. “Drakey-poodle-dee-dums … ” he began.
“Oh, no, I think Bartholomew is an excellent middle name,” Draco said quickly. “The classic Einstein. Perfect for someone so … intelligent and intellectual like you, uh, Vincent.”
“Who’s Einstein?” Vince asked sluggily.
“Oh, just some random old Muggle guy who developed a whole theory on nuclear bombs and is a genius in the Muggle world,” Draco said carelessly. “He’s actually quite interesting, mind you … did you know that 99 percent of the Einstein personators of the world are women? Jennifer Lopez, for one, has shown a great deal of interest in disguising herself in the grey beard and ugly unhot lab coat (no offense, Jennifer Lopez) ... ”
“Ugh, what woman would want to dress up as an ugly, unattractive old guy?” Vince said, looking disgusted.
“Well … actually … ” Draco and Greg looked at each other. You tell him, Greg mouthed. No, you, Draco mouthed back. Greg sighed.
“Well…Vincent…you know that girl you like?”
“Which one?” Vince asked.
“I’m not sure about her name,” Greg said. “The one … with the long hair … and freckles.”
“Get a life, Greg, that could be anyone!” Draco interrupted impatiently. “Even Rupert Grint fits that description. Um … tell us the names, and it’ll come to us when it’s the right one.”
Vince cleared his throat. “Ahem … get ready for a loooong list, guys.”
“I thought he put himself on fancy restriction after his sister dumped him,” Draco muttered to Greg.
“He did,” Greg muttered back. “But his restriction was on the amount of burritos he takes in each day.”
Vince wasn’t paying attention. “Dennis Creevey.”
“We said GIRLS, Vince!”
“You mean he’s not a girl?” Vince was shocked. “Then why is his name Dennis?”
Draco rolled his eyes. “Continue, Vince.”
“Parvati Patil.”
“No.”
“Lavender Brown.”
“No.”
“Herm…”
“Skip the Gryffindor girls!” Greg interrupted.
“Professor McG…”
“And the professors!”
“Marietta Edgecombe.”
“No.”
“Millicent Bulstrode.”
“No.” (Of course Draco looked angry and incensed!)
“Well … then there’s Ashlee Simpson and Cho Chang.”
“Cho Chang!” Greg exclaimed. “That’s it!”
“Yeah!” said Draco.
“So what about her?” Vince asked.
“Yeah … have you seen her lately?” Draco asked.
“No,” Vince admitted.
“That explains it,” Greg said.
“What?” Vince asked, looking at them.
“D’you know why you haven’t seen her for a while?” Draco said.
“No.”
“Well … have you seen the little hairy man in the hallways who claims to be Flitwick’s evil twin?”
“Yes.”
“That really explains it,” Draco said gravely.
“WHAT?” screeched Vince, going completely berserk. “WHY CAN’T YOU TWO JUST TELL ME WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON? I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND I WANT TO FIGURE OUT THE CHO CHANG DISAPPEARANCE MYSTERY! JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!”
“Well, that proves you’re not Nancy Drew,” Draco said. “Fine, we’ll tell you. Cho Chang -- after the 103 incredibly annoying and threatmantic (combo of threaten and romantic … watch the Fairly Oddparents) letters you sent her … which I might add, had at least two spelling/grammar/punctuation errors in each word … went a little angry … and aside from developing an evil plan to catapult you over to the other side of the universe … has taken on a little disguise so that you won’t stalk her anymore.”
“What disguise?” Vince asked, picking his nose self-consciously.
“The Einstamp disguise, you fool,” Greg said. “We promised her not to tell and even did the poka-poka-hokey-pokey-super-wuper-cutey-wutey-girls-only-guys-banned-supercalifragiliciousblahblah-promise handshake (which took about two hours). But you’re our best pal, and even though we now have the purple and green dots spreading across our face and spelling the word SNEAK (which Marietta Edgecombe had somehow learned from Granger), we love you, and …”
“Get on with it,” Vince urged, now eating popcorn (in a cushy armchair that somehow popped up when the readers weren’t looking).
"By all means, pal, go after her before it's too late!"
A/N: lol … I know that title is a little too long, but it totally foreshadows the tedious conversations. (I wonder if this will turn into a soap opera kind of thing). :-)
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