Disclaimer: I do not own anything remotely recognizable. For example, once I had an iPod but then I dropped it in a puddle of mud and now most people give me funny looks when I listen to it because it looks like I’m listening to a blob of mud.
Disclaimer: Keep in mind that by naming one of my characters “Satan” I am not trying to insult any one or their religions. It’s just of a humor challenge I undertook.
Disclaimer: I added the "schizophrenia" because reading chapter has had a hallucinatory effect on some unfortunate readers. That blue monster behind isn't real, but he WILL go away if you review!
Even though it was a Saturday, Draco Malfoy woke up bright and early. Of course, it was anything but bright in the dingy dungeons where the Slytherins lived. But Draco hopped out of bed feeling considerably awake. The goings on of last night was simply a bad feeling nagging at him from the recesses of his brain. He stretched and pulled out his Quidditch robes. Today was the first game of the season, against the Slytherins mortal enemy; Gryffindor. Goyle, however, was still asleep and seeing as he was one of the team’s beaters, it was necessary that he wake up.
“Goyle! You huge lump of mashed potatoes, get up!” Draco hollered over in Goyle’s direction as he quickly dressed himself in green and silver, the color of his house.
“ ‘S morning already?” Goyle asked stupidly, sitting up in bed. He blinked dully around him, he saw Malfoy dressing in his Quidditch robes and decided he would do the same. Quidditch was one of the very few things that could get hi s brain working at nearly normal level.
They were joined by Crabbe (who was sporting his teeth again) in the Great Hall for a quick breakfast. And then it was out to the Quidditch field for a pre-game pep talk. Though this usually turned into Gryffindor bashing.
“Look, Draco,” Slytherin’s Quidditch captain was explaining to him, “just try to spot the snitch before Potter, that’s our best bet. Unless,” he gave Draco a hopeful look, “you’ve thought of anything to distract them again? That song last year was brilliant.”
“I can’t work continuously,” Draco said waving him off airily, “it even takes geniuses a while to come up with genius plans.”
“Right-o then,” the captain said, patting Draco on the shoulder before turning to Crabbe and Goyle, “Now you fellows, you need to remember that you only want to hit the little black balls when you’re flying around. Hitting anything you can doesn’t always work to our advantage.”
“It’s almost ready,” the wizard mumbled the wizard to himself, twiddling his fingers together as he pored over an ancient map. He was sitting in a grove of dead trees. All of them were blackened as though they had recently been burned. “Now to summon someone…”
His eyes lit upon a large field upon his map, where dots were beginning to move around rapidly. “Perfect,” he breathed. He pulled out a small pouch and dipped his thumb and forefinger into it. The hand came up with a small pinch of white powder.
Muttering to himself, the mysterious wizard began to sprinkle the powder onto the vellum upon which the map had been written. The powder lay there for a bit then melted into the map. The wizard sat back, satisfied.
“Now to wait for the suckers to come on in,” he said, smacking his lips together and leaning against a dead tree to relax.
“And Slytherin has the Quaffle, but Weasley, Ginny, my girlfriend the most gorgeous girl on the team if I do say so myself, is flying pretty close on their heels. She’s an excellent flyer, my girlfriend…um…have I mentioned she’s my girlfriend?” Dean Thomas asked. He was doing announcements for the Quidditch game and had just started dating Ginny Weasley, who happened to be a chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
“Dean Thomas, if I am going to have to put up with everything that Lee Jordan put me through I myself will give you detention!”
“Right, professor, the game, and only the game. Hey, you know…my girlfriend’s in the”“
“Game, Thomas!”
“Yes, that’s what I was saying…Oh! You mean to focus on the Quidditch game, right-o Professor.” Dean said, giving her a small salute and turning back to the Quidditch game. “Well, it’s still Slytherin with the Quaffle, Ginny’s glaring at me because I’m embarrassing her and”“
WHAM!
A bludger had just shot past Ginny’s face and hit the Slytherin chaser with the Quaffle head on. He dropped the ball and started swerving around lazily. Ginny raced downwards to grabbed the Quaffle.
“So, that was Goyle with a very hard bludger shot aimed directly at…his own team. You may have to get glasses Goyle!” Dean yelled. The Gryffindors erupted into laughter while the Slytherins scowled.
Flying around up above, Draco rolled his eyes in embarrassment. It was bad enough that Goyle was completely clueless on land. But in the air he was more than helpless. As for himself, he was busy keeping an eye on Potter. He knew it was no use to look for the snitch himself, that would require too much effort. Instead, if he could just tag along with Potter, he would know when he had seen it. Potter had a terrible poker face and couldn’t help revealing almost every single one of his emotions.
But Potter was acting kind of funny. His face became very determined. He stopped, and turned and shot like a rocket right by Malfoy.
“And Potter’s seen something! Yes, he’s heading towards the end of the field, he’s going, going…. going…going…gone! Potter’s left the field! Now there’s someone who really needs to answer the call of nature,” Dean continued commenting on the game.
The rest of the Gryffindor team was looking kind of confused; after all, their Seeker had just torn off in the complete opposite direction of the Quidditch field and was no longer visible among the dense foliage of the Forbidden Forest.
“Draco! What are you waiting for?” howled the Slytherin team captain, waving his arms at Draco, “Follow him!”
So Draco turned his broom in the direction Potter had gone and flew after him.
“Alright, so two Seekers down!” Dean was announcing, “And the score is 60-0. It looks like Weasley’s charm is staying; so far not one goal has gotten past him. Have I mentioned that I’m dating his sister?”
The twigs tore at Draco as he flew deeper and deeper into the forest. He had the sinking feeling that this was a fool’s chase. But he kept on going anyways, determined to find Potter. The smell of burnt wood began to reach his nose. He followed it almost instinctively until pretty soon he realized that he couldn’t stop. His broom had a mind of it’s own and it was determined to carry him deeper into the forest.
At last the broom stopped in the middle of a small clearing. Around the edges were burnt trees. Standing amongst them, looking about surprised was Potter.
“So, Potter,” Draco snarled, dismounting from his broom, “What’s the plan this time? Lure me out here, knock me out and then fly back to get the snitch?”
Potter was looking kind of confused, “No, I’m not exactly sure why I came here.”
An evil cackle exploded from the tree nearby. Both Draco and Potter jumped. From behind the tree stepped a small wizard. Draco received a small shock when he realized it was the exact same wizard he had summoned the night before.
“I thought I told you to disappear,” he began, confused.
“You did,” the wizened wizard said, hi s face breaking into a large grin, “And I left! Disappeared! Whatever you want to call it! And now I’ve decided to bring you here,” he spread out his arms to encompass the entire empty, burnt clearing.
“Welcome, to my first evil lair, well, for this century at least,” he said giving a small bow to Potter and Draco. They both stared at him, apparently confused.
Crash!
A figure in scarlet came tumbling through the burnt foliage. He landed with a plop on the ground before stumbling to his feet and straightening his robes. Draco drew in a small breath, it was another one of his worst enemies; Ronald Weasley.
Ron stared around the dark clearing. His eyes traveled from Harry to Draco to the small wizard grinning wickedly.
“Who are you?” he asked the little man, confused.
The little man grinned at him delightedly, “I’m Satan!” said Satan.
“Bloody hell,” said Ron.
“Ron!” Harry Potter yelled at his friend, “What about the Quidditch game?”
“Well, it ended, Crabbe aimed a bludger in some obscure direction and it ended up flattening the snitch. So Gryffindor won,” Ron explained. He then turned back to the deranged wizard, “What do you mean, you’re Satan?”
“Exactly what I said,” the little man explained proudly, “I am Satan. Ultimate evil being, and in less than a week I plan to take over the whole world and make it a living hell that I alone rule!”
At this statement he began to cackle evilly, spreading his arms out. For a small moment the sky turned dark and a streak of lighting hit the ground at his feet. Then it all disappeared and the little old man was left gazing ecstatically at the sky.
“Right, you go do that,” Ron said kindly to the tiny man. He was obviously insane and it is usually best to treat such people with kindness and gentleness otherwise they tend to over react. However this only served to infuriate the little man even more.
“Oh, I will!” he cried out, puffing out his chest, “And sacrificing you will be my first step in that direction!”
“Come what?” Ron asked, confused. He looked to Harry and Draco for an explanation. Both of them shrugged.
“Usually I need Hermione to provide me with answers,” Harry said.
Draco snorted, “That’s obvious, an idiot like you needing to rely on a mudblood for brains, might as well be going to Longbottom.”
“Don’t call her a mudblood,” Harry said, pulling out his wand, angry now.
“Expelliarmus!”
Harry’s wand flew from his hand, but it wasn’t Draco who had spoken the spell. It was ‘Satan’. As the three young wizards stared at him in amazement, he pocketed his own wand.
“Now, I can’t have you destroying each other, I need to do that later,” he chuckled evilly at them. Then he turned to Draco, “because the little red head came, I’m letting you off the hook. You just need to help me prepare their bodies.”
“What? Why does he get off the hook?” Ron demanded, angry now.
“Because he summoned me,” Satan said, as though this were obvious.
“What?” Harry demanded angry again, he glared at Malfoy, “This is a trap! You summoned him to summon me to summon Ron to destroy us because of our rivalry!”
“No! No, honestly, it’s not,” Draco protested, “It was an accident.”
“Yeah, that’s probably true,” Ron admitted, “can you imagine him coming up with that elaborate a scheme?”
Harry paused, then nodded, “Yeah, I guess your right, he doesn’t have a Hermione to give him answers.” Draco was about to shoot back a reply when Satan interrupted.
“Look now, boys,” he said spreading out his hands, “I haven’t got all day.,“ with that he pulled out his wand and tied all three boys to trees, “Now be good.”
With that, he left with an elegant whoosh of his cloak.
“Alright, alright, I’ve got one,” Ron said an hour later. “I spy with my little eye…something black.”
“A dead tree,” Harry said, very bored.
“Yeah, you’re right again,” Ron said despondently, “I guess there’s not much else to see when you’re in the middle of a dead forest.”
“Well then stop trying to see more,” Draco said testily. They’d been trying to amuse themselves for about an hour and ‘Satan’ still hadn’t returned.
Crunch crunch.
It sounded as though someone had stepped on a twig. The three boys held their breaths, it sounded as though their captor was returning. More crunching could be heard and slowly a figure began to appear. But it wasn’t the little deranged wizard, it was…
Hermione Granger.
“Ron! Harry!” she shouted, a twig was stuck in her hair and she looked thoroughly annoyed, “What have you been doing this time?”
“Oh, you know, the usual,” Harry answered, “exploring the forest…appreciating nature… and getting captured by an insane wizard who my arch-rival summoned and wants to turn the world in to a living hell!”
Hermione turned to Ron for confirmation. He nodded, “It’s true, Malfoy has managed to screw the world over.”
“And as if you’ve never done that!” Draco protested. Hermione turned and noticed him for the first time.
“Wait a minute, you summoned this crazy psycho bent on global domination?” she asked for clarification. Draco scowled at her.
“I don’t answer questions from a mudblood,” he sneered.
“Fine then,” Hermione tossed her head, the twig in her hair fell out, “you can stay here,” she bent to untie Ron and Harry.
“No! Wait!” Draco shouted, panicking as both Harry and Ron started standing up, “Untie me please! I can tell you how to get rid of Satan!”
“And how would you do that?” Hermione asked, one eyebrow arched.
“Well, I summoned him, didn’t I?” Draco answered, as though it were obvious. He was, of course bluffing, but good people are easy to manipulate and so Harry and Ron walked over to untie him. Once he was back on his feet, he swayed, feeling a little bit unsteady and then fell, right into Ron.
“Whoa, easy there mate,” Ron said pushing Draco away. He stumbled back.
“No mate. You do not call me mate,” Draco snarled, the recent memories of his nightmares still present in his mind.
“Uh…sure, no mate-ing for you,” Ron looked a bit taken aback. Draco looked pretty [angry], his cheeks flushing pink, apparently from anger. Little did Ron know that it was actually from embarrassment. He turned and they all left the forest to return to Hogwarts and ponder their current problem.
Hogwarts Library
“Okay,” Hermione said, putting a few books on a table in a secluded corner of the library. Gathered around the table were Harry, Ron, Draco and Goyle. Draco had brought Goyle along for moral support. He was unlikely to be any other help because he still stumbled over words longer than five letters. He would have liked to bring along Crabbe, but his other friend had been in the middle of a mob of Slytherins angry with him for messing up their game so Draco had decided to leave it.
“What do you remember about getting rid of that…thing,” she asked Draco.
“Huh?” Draco asked, tearing his gaze from Ron’s hand. He was trying hard not to stare at Ron, but that was rather difficult to do when his eyes kept sliding back to Ron. So he had compromised and decided to stare only at his hand. “Oh, um…actually…I was bluffing so you would untie me from that tree.”
Hermione closed her eyes and banged her head on top of one of the books very slowly, “I. Can’t. Believe. This,” she said each time she hit her head on the book.
“But you must have some useful information,” Harry persisted.
“Look Potter, my father told me to summon this guy and I did, end of story,” Draco said glaring at Harry.
“Wait, your father told you to summon him?” Hermione asked, lifting her head from the book.
“Um, yes,” Draco said, “well, he said ’ask your noble, esteemed ancestor, Lucius Malfoy the first, sometime in the morning.’”
Hermione stared at him, “When did you get this note?”
“Last night,” Draco answered, not comprehending where this questioning was heading, “you see he had been awoken by an owl about my…never mind, why do you care anyways Granger?”
“Are there any other Lucius Malfoys in your family?” Hermione asked, biting her lip.
“Well, no, not that I know of…but he probably came from a long time ago.” Draco explained.
“Splendid, I always knew your family was evil,” Ron put in, “now it turns out that one of your ancestors was actually Satan himself!”
“Ron, don’t be ridiculous,” Hermione chastised him. She turned to Draco, “Your father was simply asking you to bother him with your questions in the morning,” she explained, “He wasn’t telling you to conduct a séance!”
“Oh,” said Draco, then it hit him, “I-I knew that. I just…um…”
Hermione interrupted him, rubbing her temple with her fingers as though she were beginning to get a headache, “That would mean that you summoned some random, insane wizard who believes himself to be Satan.”
“Lovely,” Harry said, “now how do we get rid of him?”
“Well,” Hermione said, frowning, “we’ll need to find out who he really was back in his day and then try to figure out how he died the first time.”
“Excellent,” Ron said unhappily, “we’ll need to pull out all the books on insane wizards and read through them. Again.”
“Again?” Draco asked puzzled, “You mean you’ve already read all those books?”
“No, “Harry explained, “but in our first year we cleaned out the library looking for Nicholas Flamel.”
Draco decided not pursue the subject. The last thing he wanted to know was their quirky hobbies. Instead he asked, “Is there an easier way?”
“Actually, there is,” Hermione said, sitting up, “I’ll just ask Professor Binns, he probably knows all about insane wizards and their ghosts.”
“Yeah,” Ron drawled. “Let’s face it, the guy spends his afterlife teaching.”
“It’s probably great for the school budget,” Harry reasoned, “You don’t need to pay ghosts.”
A/N: The end of another chapter! Ideas about who the wizard is and how to defeat him are helpful! Oh, and if you haven’t already, read my other stories. Since you’re in the humor section, I’m guessing you’ll enjoy “Founding of Hogwarts” and perhaps my one-shot “The Best Fanfic Ever!” (it really is).