Chapter 2: Making a list, checking it twice
Harry let out a loud nervous cough. Hermione wanted to be his girlfriend? When did this happen? “Um, Hermione…don’t I get a say in this?”
“Oh, of course,” she replied, the smile never leaving her face and wry amusement slowly creeping into her voice. “I suppose if you want to stay locked up with the Dursleys all summer instead of spending almost every day exploring London with me, you can. I certainly won’t stop you.”
Harry put his hand to his forehead in frustration. “Hermione, what are you going on about?”
Hermione let out a gentle laugh as she decided to let Harry in on the joke. “Dumbledore wants us to spend most of the summer in London, and Muggle London at that,” Hermione explained patiently. “He says it’s because he thinks Voldemort might be planning something there, but honestly I think he just wants you to have a pleasant holiday over the summer for once.”
Harry’s eyes immediately brightened. He would have something to do this summer, something fun for once other than just a once-in-a-lifetime thing like watching the Quidditch World Cup (and even that had involved Death Eaters). But there was still a nervous lump in his throat, because…well… “So what was that bit about you being my girlfriend?”
Mischief danced in Hermione’s eyes. “Well, we’ll have to tell the Dursleys something about why we’re spending so much time together, won’t we? Do you think they’ll believe that we struck up such an intimate friendship with each other in one day that we can hardly stand to be apart from each other?”
Harry thought it over quickly in his mind. The Dursleys would never let him out of the house just to spend time with a friend, but with a “girlfriend”, especially one who was the daughter of two very important clients… “I think it might work. That is if this dentist drill deal is for real.”
Hermione nodded. “Mum and Dad had to pull some strings to be the ones to negotiate the deal, and it helped that they knew all about the Dursleys from what I had told them. Of course, these sorts of things take time to work out.” That coy smile still hadn’t left her face.
Harry broke out into a large grin of his own. “You don’t think it would take all summer, do you?” Hermione might have been way ahead of him at first, but he was slowly catching up.
“I think it might,” Hermione replied with a knowing laugh. ‘It is nice to see Hermione,’ Harry thought to himself as an odd sort of feeling came over him. ‘But since when is she so much fun?’ As if she had read his thoughts, Hermione suddenly turned serious. “Now, I suppose it’s time to get started on our project.”
“What project?” Harry asked reflexively. They didn’t have their books for next term yet; how could they already have homework? Harry groaned inwardly. When it came to Hermione and homework, anything was possible.
“Why, we have to figure out what drew us together, of course,” Hermione answered in a matter-of-fact tone that turned Harry’s mood from frustration to amusement. She withdrew a large piece of parchment and a quill from her pocket. “I made up a checklist on the way over here. Just some random thoughts that popped into my head.”
Harry snatched the list away from her when she wasn’t looking and began reading aloud from it in disbelief. “‘Cricket?’ ‘Young men’s fashions?’ ‘British foreign diplomacy?!?’” Harry shot an incredulous look at Hermione. “I know the Dursleys are a bit thick, but I don’t think they’d believe I actually knew anything about any of this.”
“They were just suggestions,” Hermione pointed out defensively, her face suddenly going slightly red.
Even though he knew he had already embarrassed Hermione, Harry couldn’t help but read further. As he neared the end, he burst out into hysterical laughter. “Oh, this one has got to be my favorite. ‘Dissecting owl pellets.’”
“Hey, I actually thought that one was fairly clever,” Hermione replied indignantly. “The dissection of owl pellets is something that’s done in biology in some Muggle schools and you do have an owl, you know. It could have come up in conversation.”
Harry had doubled over in laughter, forgetting temporarily about the pain in his forehead. Hermione folded her arms and contorted her face into a pout. “And I suppose you just have a brilliant plan to convince the Dursleys we’re madly in love.”
“Well, we could just snog like mad and act secretive all the time,” Harry threw out, still laughing as he said it. “That’s what most couples our age do.”
“Very funny,” Hermione chided him, her expression icy. Harry finally composed himself long enough to notice that Hermione really did seem to have hurt feelings over what he had said.
“Hermione,” Harry said with what he hoped was reassurance as he wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. “If you tell the Dursleys you’re interested in going out with me, they’re not going to care why. As long as you’re seen as an important part of Uncle Vernon’s business deal, they’ll let you have whatever you want. Including me.” Hermione seemed to be slightly placated by this, but still turned away from Harry as he attempted to look her in the eyes. “You could probably even tell them that you want me to be your personal butler for the summer and they’d only ask what colour you wanted my tuxedo to be.”
Hermione rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “I could see that happening. ‘Potter, fetch my slippers.’ ‘Potter, brew me a spot of tea.’ ‘Potter, bring me the latest edition of Hogwarts: a History.’” Harry and Hermione both had a good chuckle at that. Hermione couldn’t bring herself to order around a house elf; he couldn’t imagine her trying to order around a human being (unless it was one of her fellow classmates around exam time). “Alright, you know the Dursleys better than I do.” She picked up the checklist with a sigh. “Still, if we needed a back up plan…”
Harry turned his eyes reluctantly back to the list. “Well, I don’t think I can even pretend to be interested in the Russian ballet,” Harry began. ‘That was probably Viktor Krum’s favorite,’ Harry mused to himself. “So we better just stick with the owl pellets.” Hermione looked at him with a ‘get real’ expression on her face. Harry grinned widely. “Or maybe we’ll just say that we’re both interested in owls. The pellets make me kind of nauseous, anyway. No offense, Hedwig.” Harry’s owl shook its head haughtily in reply.
Harry and Hermione both suddenly heard the heavy footsteps of Dudley Dursley coming up the stairs. “So it’s settled then,” Hermione said very loudly. “We’ll call ourselves the Society for the Protection of Owls and Other Nocturnal Species.”
Harry screwed up his face with a scoff. “We’re calling ourselves SPOONS?”
Hermione shot Harry a very serious look. “No, not SPOONS. S.P.O.O.N.S.” As Dudley Dursley opened the door to Harry’s room, she planted a large wet kiss on Harry’s cheek. “Wonderful. I can’t wait for our first meeting.”
Harry was a bit stunned, but managed to turn around in time to see Dudley staring wide-eyed at the two of them. Hermione cheerfully bounded past him as his massive bulk of a cousin stood dumbfounded, stammering like mad. He was so flustered he hadn’t even noticed that he’d dropped a bag of ice on his foot. “You…her…I… DADDYKINS!!!”
***
“Ha,” Uncle Vernon snorted as he paced up and down the hallway of the Dursley house. Harry had gotten as good at reading his uncle’s moods as Professor Trelawney was at reading tea leaves, although his predictions had a much better chance of coming true. Vernon Dursley cast another fleeting glance at the door. The sun was shining brightly through the window, inviting Harry to go outside, to escape the Dursleys for the day, to live a little for once. “Ha,” repeated Uncle Vernon imperiously, as if attempting to dash Harry’s hopes with one syllable. His eyes squinted at Harry suspiciously. “Ha.”
Harry Potter felt somewhat emboldened by the plans that he and Hermione had made the night before and allowed himself a tiny smirk. “What’s so funny, Uncle Vernon?” he asked with mock innocence in his voice.
“Funny?!” Uncle Vernon retorted with a curious sort of mild anger in his voice. “Oh, something’s funny alright, Potter. This… this… thing with you and the Granger girl.” Harry fought hard not to let the smile on his face get any bigger. “No sensible girl could see you and Dudley in the same night and choose to pursue you.” He was losing the fight. ‘I have to keep a straight face,’ Harry thought as he forcibly contorted his face into what looked like a grimace. “You must have put some sort of curse on her. I insist that you undo it this instant, before she shows up here, makes a fool of herself over you and then goes home crying to her parents all the while telling them what awful people we are!”
“But Uncle Vernon,” Harry managed to squeak through suppressed laughter, “I’m not allowed to do magic away from Hogwarts. You know that.” There were times Harry had wished his surrogate family hadn’t known that, but today wasn’t one of them.
“Yes,” Vernon Dursley said slowly as he looked Harry over like something disgusting that had just turned up on his rug. “I suppose you would have gotten one of those birds if you had done something unusual.” He then tugged at his moustache, considering the situation again carefully. “She must be a weird sort then, like you. Into strange things like protecting owls.” He then seemed to forget that Harry was there, muttering something about how there was a reason that owls had talons.
“I wouldn’t want to go out with someone you didn’t approve of, sir,” Harry managed to say, maintaining not only a straight face, but the customary look he gave when he was trying to get out of something he didn’t want to do. He was very impressed with himself. “I’ll just call and cancel our date!”
“You’ll do no such thing!” his uncle yelled loudly. His face had gone purple again, usually not a good sign. “You will make this work, Potter! I have a lot riding on this. Now get upstairs and get changed.” As Harry began to rush up the stairs, Uncle Vernon stopped him. “I had Petunia launder some of Dudley’s nicer clothes. They may be a bit loose on you, but first impressions count, you know.” Harry suppressed a groan. If he wore Dudley’s clothes on a real first date, her first impression would be that he had no idea how to wear proper clothing. Luckily, Hermione probably wouldn’t mind him changing into something a little more comfortable at some point during the day. Before taking on the odious task of slipping into yet another set of second-hand clothing, he picked out some casual clothes that he might slip into once Uncle Vernon wasn’t around.
Trying his best not to feel ridiculous wearing Dudley’s suit, Harry packed his clothes and a few other things in a small knapsack and waited for Hermione to show up. She hadn’t bothered to inform him of when or how she was coming, but he knew it wouldn’t be by any sort of magical transport, as that would kill any chance the two of them had of pulling this off. As the doorbell rang, Harry rushed to answer it before his uncle could. Hermione stood at the door wearing a pink and grey t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans and looking a lot more like a normal teenager than he did. “Oh, Harry,” Hermione said with a mock scowl. “I thought you of all people would know how to wear muggle clothes.”
“I do,” hissed Harry in a softer voice as his Uncle Vernon slowly approached from the living room. “It’s my aunt and uncle who are convinced I can wear anything that Dudley can.” Hermione let out a small laugh as Vernon Dursley approached the door.
“Come in, young lady,” Vernon greeted her warmly. He put on a large fake smile that fooled neither of them. “Would you like something to drink? Tea, perhaps? I’m sorry my wife isn’t here, pressing engagement you know. Dudley’s needed a new computer for ages, can’t really see how he’s gone this long without one. They’ve gone to…”
“Why is he dressed like that?” Hermione demanded frankly as she made a waving gesture at the outfit of Dudley’s that Harry appeared to be swimming in.
“Like that?” Vernon replied, taken aback by her question and tone. “Why I…” He stopped himself abruptly, remembering his manners (and, quite probably, his business deal). “…don’t know. I said he could wear whatever he wanted, why he would choose that, well I just haven’t the foggiest… Potter, go upstairs and change this instant! You’ll have to make some allowances for him, my dear, he doesn’t get out much.”
‘And whose fault is that?’ thought Harry bitterly. “Uh, miss,” he said as he cleared his throat to get Hermione’s attention away from the contemptuous glare of his Uncle Vernon. “I’ve brought a change of clothes in my knapsack, just in case this outfit wasn’t appropriate for whatever it is we’re doing. I think they’ll be more acceptable to your tastes.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. “Very thoughtful. Although I didn’t think I’d see you stripped down to your knickers quite this soon in our relationship.” Harry’s jaw very nearly dropped. His uncle turned a shade of purple Harry hadn’t seen yet.
“Offyougothen,” Uncle Vernon muttered as he literally pushed the two of them out the door. Harry’s face was beet red and both of them seemed to have a contagious case of the giggles. He didn’t believe he’d seen anyone treat Vernon Dursley that way and get away with it. As Harry’s laughter died out, he thought about how much he had laughed over the last two days. This was probably the most fun he’d had on Privet Drive without magic. Who’d have thought that Hermione…
“Hop on,” Hermione said suddenly as Harry realized just how lost in thought he had become. Her request didn’t make sense until Harry took a good look at their mode of transport: a moped, mint green in colour, that looked brand new. As Harry’s eyes ran up and down it, he noticed that Hermione was wearing a matching green helmet and holding another one out for him to wear with an amused smile on her face. “Sorry I didn’t get one twelve sizes too large for you to go with the rest of your outfit.”
“Very funny,” Harry replied as he fastened the helmet to his head. “Whenever we reach someplace private, I’ll change.” Making sure his oversized pants legs didn’t get caught in anything vital, he climbed onto Hermione’s moped and they took off towards London.