Mary Sue and Cal Pue
Part One:
Mary Sue
Mary Sue was one of those rare human beings who were truly wonderful at everything and there wasn’t a single person who disliked her. You know the type, stunningly beautiful with an intoxicating personality, the type who ends up getting her male teachers fired for harassment. Basically if the author was being true to himself every character would hate her for being so wonderful but the author is deluded and immature and thus you are faced with a thoroughly unimaginative and boring character.
Young Mary Sue was about to start her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was an exchange student from Fiji who had for no particular reason decided to come to Britain for the rest of her education; one suspects it has something to do with Fijian schools being far less interesting for fan fiction because of the lack of Harry Potter.
“Mary, have you packed your bags for school? We are running a good two hours ahead of schedule but I want to make sure,” said Mary’s mother Bobby at the bottom of the humongous staircase which sat in the middle of the Sue’s four story house in the country.
“I’ve packed them mother, I did so three months ago and I put them in the boot of the car last week,” came back the cheerful reply from Mary who not surprisingly was looking forward to the new year at Hogwarts where she would no doubt star at everything she attempted and be terribly modest about it.
Ten minutes later Mary and her parents Bobby and Bernard got in their car, which was a lovely proportioned limousine with a small swimming pool and a water bed. They’d left an hour and forty-five minutes early but as Mary’s father Bernard had said “It’s better to be early than it is to be late,” and who could logically argue with that?
They arrived an hour before the train was to leave even though the trip should’ve taken at least an hour and a half. They’d received particularly good traffic and didn’t have to stop at a single red light.
Nobody had arrived at platform nine and three quarters yet but ever so slowly students came through the enchanted barrier and many of them chatted with Mary who was looking all sickly sweet in her uniform.
“Hello,” said a short, messy, boy wearing large and graceless glasses.
“Hello,” replied Mary without a hint of shyness, “I’m guessing you’d be Harry Potter.”
“And you’d be correct,” replied Harry nervously before he stumbled backwards when he realised he’d been staring at her chest. Mary helped him up and dusted him off and the two of them chatted for a little longer. Within thirty seconds the two of them were firm friends, which isn’t surprising when you have such a wonderful personality like Mary Sue.
Cal Pue
Cal Pue was a lovely young lad who was going into the seventh year at Hogwarts. He’d been home schooled for the first six years of his schooling but the decision was made by his father to send him to a proper school for his final year.
The Pue’s were a delusional family, from their perspective they were exactly like the Sue’s but in reality they were perhaps exact opposites. Cal was a student who thought he was utterly brilliant but for the most part was anything but.
Cal’s mother Bertrude had taught him everything she knew and his report cards were shining examples of why parents shouldn’t teach their own children; sprinkled with Excellent’s that were thoroughly undeserved. Hogwarts wasn’t sure whether he was really good enough for the seventh year or not.
Cal’s father Bob stumbled drunkenly up the three steps at the front of their small but nicely asymmetrical apartment.
“Hey kid, you got all ya stuff in the boot,” he barked loudly before falling with a thud.
“Sure dad, I got everything ready last week,” Cal replied eagerly. Cal sat around twiddling his thumbs for the next 15 minutes before coming to the conclusion that he’d actually only packed his un-needed toiletries which every reader knows are unnecessary in fan fiction.
Quickly and untidily he packed his real bag amidst his mother telling him to ‘get in the bloody car’ before he’d be forced to take the cow to the station. Cal hurried out of the house merely twenty minutes before the Hogwarts Express was due to leave and threw his bag in the back of the truck before hopping in the station wagon.
The three of them made it to the station with a minute to spare. Cal kissed his mother goodbye and ducked for cover when his father farted.
”Where’s your bag boy?” asked his father after the smell had cleared.
”What?”
”Where’s your bag?”
“I put it on the truck,” said Cal defiantly.
“We drove in the station wagon dear,” replied his mother.
“Bugger!”
“Oh well we didn’t have time to put your bags on the train anyway. Now get going!” barked his father shoving Cal through the barrier where he was met by several hundred students all chatting amongst themselves excitedly.
“ALL ABOARD!” came the voice of the train conductor and hundreds of students scrambled into their respective carriages with the school year ahead of them.