Sirius gave a frustrated sigh.
“Jocelyn, don’t “”
“You told me to get a flat in London!” Jocelyn continued, more to herself than to him, as she paced up down the corridor. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting a flat in London just so you could hunt her down!”
“That wasn’t the only “”
She turned on him.
“Just answer me one thing: Were you planning on ever telling me your plan, or did you only do it because James told you to?”
“Well of course I was going to tell you!” cried Sirius indignantly. She gave him a hard look. “Eventually,” he added finally, without looking at her.
“Right, okay,” she muttered, turning away from him. “Well, I think I’ve had enough exercise for one evening, don’t you?”
She began to walk down the corridor.
“Jocelyn!” he called, running to keep up with her.
She turned back toward him.
“Sirius, why couldn’t you just tell me?” she demanded.
“You told me love wasn’t being stupid “”
“Well it’s not being secretive either!” she snapped.
Sirius flared up at once.
“I just want you to feel safe “!”
“No, you want to feel like you’re doing something!” she corrected. “You always like to be where the action is! That night in Hogsmeade “ you loved that, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t like what came out of it “!”
“But you like fighting!”
“Well I don’t like hiding!”
“But hiding and not fighting aren’t necessarily the same thing, Sirius,” she whispered. For a moment they stood in silence, neither looking at the other.
“I can’t just wait around for something to happen,” said Sirius finally. He put his hand under her chin and raised her head up so he could look her in the eyes. “I’m not like you, Jocelyn,” he whispered.
She dropped her eyes back toward the floor.
“I know,” she said softly. “I always knew you’d want to be in the thick of the battle… in my heart.”
“I’m not trying to be heroic,” Sirius muttered.
“Well that’s the mark of a true hero, isn’t it?” said Jocelyn, smiling sadly.
For a moment they gazed into each other’s eyes. Then Sirius saw something in Jocelyn’s flicker and die. She jerked her face out of his hand and looked back down at the floor.
“Look, I’m not going to stop you,” she said, speaking very quickly as though every word were causing her pain. “But I’m not going to help you, and “” she looked up at him and their eyes met ““ and I’m not going to be happy about it.”
Sirius had a momentary struggle with himself as he gazed at her.
“I didn’t expect you to be,” he said finally, very quietly.
She backed away from him, nodding slowly, her eyes shining with tears. Then she turned and fled down the corridor away from him.
Sirius gazed at the spot where she had disappeared and gave a heavy sigh. He had lost the struggle, he admitted to himself. He, Sirius Black, for the first time in his life, had been defeated.
“Is it just me, or does Sirius use the library a lot on weekends?” Peter questioned about a month later, as he, Remus, James, Lily, and Jocelyn sat together by the fire in the common room. Remus and James were playing a game of wizard’s chess, while Lily and Jocelyn read in two of the most comfortable chairs.
At Peter’s question, Jocelyn stiffened slightly. James simply rolled his eyes.
“How thick are you, Wormtail?” he said impatiently. “Sirius isn’t at the library, as we all bloody well know! Knight to F-6.” The last command was directed at his chessmen.
“He’s not?” said Peter, sounding surprised. “But he told us that’s where he was going.”
“He lied,” said Remus simply. “Queen to F-6. Check.”
James swore quietly as Remus’s queen dragged his knight off the chessboard.
“Where is he, then?” Peter demanded as soon as the queen had returned to her square.
“In London,” James answered shortly. “King to H-7.”
Remus gave a small smile.
“Bad move, Prongs.”
“I didn’t have much of a choice, your bishop was covering the other space,” James snapped.
“Castle to C-7,” said Remus triumphantly. “Check.”
James swore again.
“Why is Sirius in London?” Peter questioned.
“Research,” replied James vaguely, examining the chessboard closely. “King to G-8.”
“Research for what?” Peter persisted.
Jocelyn had become so rigid she could have been a statue of herself. Remus was surveying the chessboard with a smile.
“Hunting down Bellatrix Lestrange,” he answered absently. “Bishop to C-4.” He looked up at James, and grinned. “Checkmate.”
It was Lily who first said something about the change. Before Christmas, Jocelyn was always with the Marauders. After Christmas, she was always with Hector.
“Want to work on our Potions homework together?” Lily asked Jocelyn a few days after James and Remus’s chess game.
“I’m studying with Hector in the library,” Jocelyn answered coolly, without looking at her.
“Seem to be doing a lot of that lately, don’t you?” Lily observed sardonically. “Studying with Hector must really be improving your grades.”
“Yes, it is,” said Jocelyn stiffly.
Lily rolled her eyes.
“Come off it, Joce’, your grades don’t need improving! What’s really going on?”
“We can all use improvement,” answered Jocelyn evasively.
“Jocelyn, if this is because of Sirius “!”
“It’s not “!”
“Of course it is!” snarled Lily. “I’ve watched you two since the holidays ended, you won’t even look at each other!”
“That’s not “!” Jocelyn began, but Lily cut her off again.
“And you barely talk to any of the rest of them anymore, not even James at Quidditch practice or Remus in Transfiguration! You barely talk to me anymore!”
“That’s because “!”
“It’s because you’re with Hector all the time!” Lily was shouting now, her anger and frustration at Sirius and Jocelyn finally getting the better of her. “We can’t go anywhere nowadays without running into him! And we can’t do anything together because you’re always doing it with him!”
Jocelyn swelled indignantly.
“Let’s not mention that you’re always going off with James!” she retorted, raising her voice to match Lily’s volume.
“No, Jocelyn, it’s not the same thing! James and I acknowledge there are other people in this castle!”
“Barely!” sneered Jocelyn. “Tell me, Lils, how much actual patrolling did you get done last night?”
“More than the actual studying you do with Hector, I’m sure!” screamed Lily derisively.
Jocelyn grabbed the water jug on her bedside table and hurled it at Lily as hard as she could. Lily jumped out of the way and it shattered gloriously against the stone wall into a million tiny pieces. For a moment Jocelyn looked at Lily, her face filled with hate, or horror, or agony, or perhaps all three, Lily couldn’t tell; then she snatched up her book bag and yanked open the door. Lily thought she heard a sob before it slammed.