The weather had turned warmer. The sun shone brightly on the grounds and was reflected in the cool, shimmering lake. Summer was creeping closer to Hogwarts again. Jocelyn, Lily, and the Marauders couldn’t take advantage of the sunlight, however, for all six were now advising very hard for their N.E.W.T.s. The exams were a mere five weeks away, and even Sirius was seen opening textbooks and looking at old class notes.
“State one advantage of using a nonverbal spell,” James read off a note card during one of their group study sessions.
In answer Sirius quickly pulled out his wand, pointed it at James, and jerked it upward. For a few seconds James hung it midair, as though an invisible hook were dangling him by his ankle. Then Sirius jerked his wand downward, and James crashed back onto his armchair in a crumpled heap.
“Not quite the answer I think the examiners are looking for, but you got the basic concept,” James conceded in a muffled voice as he disentangled himself from his robes.
“These exams are driving me mad!” Sirius exclaimed, chucking his copy of An Advanced Guide to Transfiguration across the room, and scattering a group of third years. “And they haven’t even started yet!” He ran his hand distractedly through his hair. “I chose the wrong career. I should have tried to become Minister of Magic. Then I could make a law banning examinations.”
“The Ministry can’t interfere at Hogwarts,” snapped Jocelyn, who had been watching Sirius intently, and for some reason looked irritated. “At least not while Dumbledore is the headmaster.”
“I should have trained to become the next headmaster, then,” Sirius responded. “If I can’t save myself, I can at least protect my children. This is cruel and unusual punishment, this is.”
“Would you shut up?” demanded a very disgruntled looking fifth year from a cluster of chairs a few feet away, poking her head around the side of her armchair. “I’m trying to study for my O.W.L.s.”
“Do that, then,” Sirius snapped, “instead of bothering the rest of us.”
The fifth year gave him a dirty look, then disappeared behind her chair.
Lily, meanwhile, had summoned Sirius’s Transfiguration book from the other side of the room. Now she handed it to him.
“And try to avoid other students next time,” she added reprovingly.
Sirius took the book from her, opened it at random, glanced down at the page, and then cast the whole thing aside.
“It’s no use, Lily,” he sighed. “I can’t concentrate. I’m going up to bed.”
“Wait!” said James quickly, waving a note card at him.
Sirius paused.
“What?”
“What is the most basic form of human Transfiguration?”
A few seconds later, Sirius went up to bed, leaving Lily to deal with James’s now brilliantly scarlet eyebrows.
The next weekend was Hogsmeade, and as the Marauders were far too restless to get any sort of studying done, Lily agreed to trade in their books for butterbeer, and the six journeyed into the village together.
“We can’t stay long, though, I’ve got loads of homework,” Lily informed them all as they made their way down the path that led to the village.
“You can’t stay long, then,” Sirius corrected.
“Don’t blame me when you’re up all night Sunday because you didn’t get your homework done over the weekend,” Lily shrugged.
“Don’t beg me for sweets because you were too busy studying to make it into Honeydukes,” Sirius retorted.
“There are more important things in life than sweets,” said Lily dismissively.
The two argued all the way to the Three Broomsticks, and it wasn’t long before everyone tired of the bickering, and the six agreed to split up. Peter and Remus headed off in the direction of Honeydukes, Lily and James made their way back to the castle, and Sirius and Jocelyn set off toward Zonko’s. For about half-an-hour, Sirius and Jocelyn browsed through the joke shop, Jocelyn carefully watching Sirius. It had not escaped her notice how restless he had been lately.
“You want to head back?” she asked him finally.
“I don’t want to do homework,” he answered.
Jocelyn gave him a hard look.
“Do you want to go to London?” she questioned, very quietly, looking at him very intently as she spoke.
Sirius started, but he did not deny the accusation. Jocelyn gave a sad smile, nodded at him, and pulled him out of the shop.
They made their way back to the castle in silence, but a few meters inside the Hogwarts gates, Jocelyn stopped and turned to face him.
“Sirius,” she said quietly, “you’re not happy.”
He stared down at his shoe, which was scuffing the ground with its toe.
“I wanted to be,” he whispered finally, looking up at her.
“It’s not the same thing!” she answered, a bite of impatience in her voice.
Sirius flared up at once. For weeks he had been trying to kill his drive for revenge, for weeks he had felt it eating away at his insides, and now she was telling him it hadn’t even mattered.
“What do you want from me, Joce’?” he demanded. “I gave up my hunt for Bellatrix and now you’re not even happy about it?”
“No, because you’re not!”
Sirius let out a growl of frustration and kicked a stone lying by his foot. It bounced down the path and landed with a soft thud on the grass.
“I told you I don’t like waiting around!” he reminded her.
“Then why are you?”
“Because that’s what you asked me to do!”
“I never demanded you stop!”
Sirius turned on her, letting out a terrifying snarl. He brought his face so close to hers they were practically touching.
“What “ do “ you “ want “ from “ me?” he hissed.
Jocelyn stared into his eyes, which were so close she could have counted his eyelashes, but her attention was on the eyes themselves, which were blazing with fury. The look she returned, however, was not of fear, but of sadness.
“I hoped it wouldn’t come to this,” she whispered, more to herself than to him. She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I want you to “” she swallowed, hard ““ I want us to acknowledge the gap that has grown between us,” she finished very quickly. She looked away from him as she spoke. It sounded as though every word were causing her pain.
Sirius pulled back a few inches, frowning at her.
“So you want us to lie to ourselves and to each other!” he accused.
Her head snapped up.
“I want us to do the only thing possible, Sirius, the situation has gone beyond the point of honesty!”
Sirius inhaled very sharply. He looked, for a long moment, into her eyes, which were blazing, but with pain or anger he couldn’t tell.
“Jocelyn,” he said quietly, “I can’t “”
“I know,” she whispered, but her voice was very hard. “Look, Sirius, I love you… you know that! But I can’t keep torturing myself like this.”
They looked at each other, and he tried to search her eyes, but, like her voice, she had hardened them. He had, just as he had had the last day of the winter holidays, an internal struggle with himself, but he lost it much more quickly this time. He wasn’t really sure if he had wanted to overcome it at all. He looked beyond her, in the direction of London, and she nodded.
“Go,” she whispered.
His eyes snapped onto hers again. Slowly, he backed away from her. Then he turned, and she watched as he made his way along the path to the gate. There, just outside of it, he turned on his heel and, with a loud crack!, vanished from her sight.