“What’s going on?” she asked James, just as he was about to start sprinting down the corridor. He and Remus both turned toward her.
“The-Whomping-Willow-froze!” James exclaimed, all in one breath.
Lily, who had only understood one word of this explanation (“willow”), looked questioningly at Remus. His eyes flickered over Hector, who had also risen. Lily had learned about Remus’s condition during the Christmas holidays, but Hector, of course, didn’t have any idea.
“Where I go … sometimes,” he said vaguely, turning back to Lily.
Lily’s eyes widened.
“So Sirius and Jocelyn could be “!” she began excitedly.
“Yes!” James shouted, grabbing her wrist, and yanking her down the corridor. “Come on!”
“What about Jocelyn?” asked Hector sharply, starting after them.
James and Remus both rolled their eyes.
“Just come on, if you must!” snapped James, without even pausing his march down the corridor. “Where did he come from?” he muttered to Lily.
“I went to find him after I left your dormitory,” Lily explained in a hiss, not even bothering to hide the resentment in her voice. “I thought he had a right to know that his girlfriend was probably dead.”
“That useless git doesn’t have a right to know anythi “!”
“Shut up!” Lily snarled, as they bounded down a set of stairs three at a time. “This is so stupid! Sirius and Jocelyn could be dead!”
“The Willow froze!” James insisted.
“And what does that prove?”
“That they’re alive!”
“One of them is alive,” Lily corrected. “It only takes one to press the knot, doesn’t it?”
James didn’t answer. They had reached the entrance hall now, and James released Lily as he opened the front door. Lily was through in a flash; James, Remus, and Hector were close on her heels. The quartet sprinted across the lawn, not caring whether a staff member saw them out of bed or not. At last the Whomping Willow came into view, and there, just outside its shadow, stood two figures. Lily increased her speed, tearing toward the couple.
“Sirius! Jocelyn! Thank Merlin you’re all right!” she shrieked, and a moment later she had thrown herself onto Jocelyn.
“Hey, Lils,” Jocelyn murmured, hugging her tightly.
Hector approached them. Jocelyn released Lily and turned toward him.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“Thank Merlin you’re okay,” he muttered, embracing her. Jocelyn didn’t answer, but Hector either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Come on,” he said, pulling back, “you need to get into the castle. Are you hurt at all?” He had put his arm around her waist as he spoke, and begun leading her back to the castle.
“Oh no, I’m fine,” Jocelyn assured him.
“Well, you look exhausted,” said Hector. “You need to get to bed.”
“Thanks, that’ll be good,” agreed Jocelyn. She looked him in the eye and forced herself to smile. “That’ll be great.”
The Marauders spent their few remaining weeks at Hogwarts quietly. They either wandered about the grounds, or sat listlessly in the common room, sometimes playing chess or Gobstones, but rarely talking. Jocelyn spent much of her time with Hector, but neither she nor the Marauders actively avoided each other, and she occasionally joined Remus in a game of chess.
Their very last evening in the castle, Sirius and James were only just beginning to pack as the rest of the students trooped off to the end of term feast.
“Coming?” James questioned, preparing to abandon his trunk and join the rest of the school.
“You go ahead,” Sirius told him, as he unceremoniously tossed several textbooks into his trunk. “I’m going to finish up here.”
James frowned at him.
“You all right?”
“Fine,” Sirius lied. “Go on, I’ll be along in a few minutes.”
James shrugged and left the dormitory. The truth was, Sirius admitted silently, sitting listlessly on his bed, he had no intention of going down to the feast. He couldn’t bear to be around the hundreds of laughing students. Students whose aunts had not been murdered, whose uncles were still alive, whose cousins were not trying to kill them. … Whose best mates were not engaged.
For James and Lily were engaged, as Sirius had found out not even a week before. It was not as if he was really surprised, Sirius admitted to himself. He had been expecting this since Christmas. He wasn’t opposed either. He liked Lily immensely. And yet the thought of James and Lily’s engagement made him melancholy.
Remus understood. That is, Remus partially understood. To Remus, Sirius knew, James and Lily represented what he had never had and would never have. Or rather, what he would never allow himself to have. Remus, convinced he was too dangerous for someone to love.
Then there was Peter, more awed by the relationship than anything else. Peter had never had anything like that either. The poor bloke had never had the chance.
Sirius, however, had had the chance. Sirius had even experienced it. And then he had thrown it away….
For what? Bellatrix was alive, Vega and Alphard were dead, and Jocelyn…. Well, Jocelyn had Hector. And Sirius had nothing but the torturous idea that he had her heart.
Sirius rose wearily. He supposed he’d better go down to the feast after all. He’d told James he would, and James would pester him if didn’t.
He was almost to the portrait hole when, to his surprise, it suddenly opened and Lily climbed through.
“Oh, hello, Sirius,” she said, looking just as startled as he.
“Hi,” said Sirius. “Feast over already?”
“No, I came back early,” she answered. “I’ve got loads of packing to do.” She did not, however, make for the stairs to her dormitory, but instead seated herself in one of the squashy armchairs by the fireplace. “It feels strange to be leaving Hogwarts for good, doesn’t it?” she questioned, looking at the empty grate, instead of at Sirius.
Sirius sat in the chair beside her. She had no idea how strange it felt. Hogwarts felt more like home than Number 12 Grimmauld Place ever had. The idea of not being able to return was…
Sirius shivered slightly.
“What’s wrong?” asked Lily, looking over at him.
“Nothing,” said Sirius quickly. “It’s cold, that’s all.”
Lily flicked her wand, and suddenly a fire was roaring in the grate.
“I always hated the holidays,” she said abruptly.
Sirius looked at her, startled.
“My sister, Petunia, always made them miserable,” she nodded. “I’m not looking forward to going home, believe me.” She looked around the common room before speaking again. “After a few years, Hogwarts became the only place I felt happy,” she whispered. “Not that I was always happy here. Like when James was harassing me, or Jocelyn was throwing water jugs at me, for instance.” She smiled slightly, remembering, then added, “But I was happier here than at home.”
Sirius had the sudden urge to cry, and had no idea why. He coughed slightly, trying to get around the lump that was suddenly blocking his throat.
“I should get down to the feast,” he said gruffly; but even as he spoke he heard the distant sound of hundreds of wooden legs scraping across stone, signaling the end of the feast.
Lily gave a small smile and nodded.
“I should finish packing,” she said, rising.
Sirius did the same. He turned to go back up to his dormitory.
“Hey, Sirius?”
He turned. Lily was standing in front of her chair, her face half hidden in shadows cast by the flickering fire.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Just about … well, everything, really.” She gave a hollow laugh. “It hurts, I know.”
Sirius nodded slowly.
“Thanks, Lils.”
She stepped forward suddenly, and hugged him tightly. Then she turned and made her way over to the girls’ staircase.
Sirius watched her go, feeling that the great pain in his chest had lessened slightly.
One month later, Jocelyn dashed about her room at James’s, hurrying to get ready. James and Lily’s wedding was in less than an hour.
Someone suddenly banged on her door.
“Come in,” she called, and Remus poked his head in.
“Hector’s here,” he informed her.
“Thanks,” said Jocelyn, putting the back on an earring. “Tell him I’ll be down in a moment.” She peered closely at her reflection, to see if there was any last minute damage control she needed to do.
“You look fine,” Remus assured her, before shutting the door again.
Fine, thought Jocelyn bitterly, straightening her silver-blue dress robes. Yes, she’d always looked fine. But she didn’t want to look fine. Mates looked fine. Girls like Lily were beautiful. And it was Lily, not Jocelyn, who was marrying the man she was in love with.
Which proves, thought Jocelyn acrimoniously, as she left her room, that looking “fine” isn’t worth much.
Hector rose quickly as she entered the sitting room. He, Remus, and Peter all looked extremely awkward.
“You look beautiful,” he told her sincerely.
Jocelyn smiled.
“Thanks.”
Sirius, she reflected bitterly, had never told her she was beautiful. A shadow crossed her face as she remembered this. Hector frowned.
“You all right?”
“Fine,” said Jocelyn quickly, forcing herself to smile again. “Let’s go.”
She, Hector, Remus, and Peter made their way outside, turned sharply, and, a moment later, they had appeared on the lane leading up to the old chapel the wedding was being held in. They hurried up into the chapel, which was already full of chattering people.
For the next half-hour Jocelyn made her way through the crowd, chatting and laughing with old acquaintances.
“You’re next, I hear,” Lilac Brown’s mother smiled, shooting an approving look at Hector, and trying to get a good look at Jocelyn’s left hand. Jocelyn quickly moved it behind her back, and did not speak with Mrs. Brown much longer.
It wasn’t as though she really objected to Hector, she admitted to herself, as she made her way over to her aunt, Marlene McKinnon. If, a year before, someone had told her they would be a couple, she would not of minded in the slightest. But that had been before Sirius had gone to Hogsmeade with Lily. It all seemed to go back to Sirius going to Hogsmeade with Lily. If they hadn’t gone to Hogsmeade together, then James and Sirius would not have fought; which meant that James would never have been cornered by Death Eaters; and Jocelyn would never have realized that “
But Bella still would have murdered Mum, she reminded herself. So Sirius would still have gotten hell-bent on revenge … and we’d still all be in this situation. Except Lily and James might not be getting married…
The thought wasn’t very comforting. Lily and James, happy and in love. Compared with Jocelyn and Hector, who were … content?
Jocelyn looked across the lawn at Hector, who was conversing with Frank Longbottom. He smiled at her and waved.
No, she admitted, Hector, at least, was happy and in love. She, Jocelyn, was very fond of him, but not in love; she wasn’t happy, not even really content, but she was … accepting.
She watched as Andromeda picked up little Nymphadora, then turned to smile at Ted.
I want that, her heart cried. I want children, and a family. I want someone to love me, take care of me…. She winced.
She would never have it any other way. No one wanted to share it with her. She was a mate. She looked fine. And no one wanted to share it with her except Hector … and Sirius. And she had to take Hector, because she couldn’t have Sirius.
Don’t think about, she admonished herself. Don’t think about Sirius.
She tried not to think about him as she and Hector seated themselves in the chapel. She tried not to look at him as he and James took their places at the front of the church.
This is about Lily and James, she reminded herself. Think about Lily and James!
Sirius certainly seemed to be thinking of Lily and James. His eyes were fixed on the door at the back of the church, where Lily would enter.
Think about Lily and James, thought Jocelyn fiercely. Think about Lily and James…
Think about Lily and James, Sirius told himself sternly. He stared at the door at the back of the church, but didn’t really see it at all. Jocelyn was sitting next to Hector in the second row; his arm was draped casually on her shoulder, and she was staring at James with a small smile. The first notes of the Wedding March were struck, and Jocelyn’s smile widened.
Think about Lily and James!
Everyone was standing now. The door opened. Beside him, Sirius heard James inhale sharply. Lily stood framed in the doorway, looking radiant in her white gown, her red hair spilling out under the veil. She smiled dazzlingly at James as she began to make her way slowly down the aisle. Tears were streaming silently down Jocelyn’s face.
Think about Lily and James!
“Isn’t she beautiful?” James breathed.
Sirius was gazing at Jocelyn nestled under Hector’s arm.
“Yes,” he whispered. “Yes, she is.”
Fin.
A/N: Wow! It’s been almost a year (well, actually, I’ve been writing this for over a year), and what a journey it’s been! Thanks to all of you who have taken it with me (in particular: my dear friend JFig; Fawkes17; songbook99; electronicquillster & Roommate; LaneTechFreshie; jamesnlilyforever; hpbookworm06; and everyone else who took the time to leave a review or email me! You guys have made many of my days)! You are my motivation, and have made it so much fun and so worthwhile.
So please, please don’t kill me! You all knew they couldn’t be together! *hides from angry Sirius/Jocelyn shippers* (btw, a one-shot is currently in the works about Sirius and Jocelyn’s reunion, set in the summer between GoF and OotP. Tentatively titled Maybe It’s Me. Be on the lookout for it!) Also, click on my author’s page to see the beautiful banner my lovely, multi-talented beta Marzenie made me!
Again, thanks to all of you for your wonderful support. I couldn’t have written this much without you!
Much love to all,
~ Trinsy