Tears and Fears
A/N Jo Rowling owns the Harry Potter world. I am doing this purely for pleasure and not for profit.
The tension at Grimmauld Place was so thick that it was almost stifling. All of the arguments had raised the levels so high that Professor Dumbledore felt the anxiety in the air. He sighed deeply, knowing that his conversation with Harry could either alleviate some of the stress, or increase it threefold. It could not be avoided. They had to discuss what had happened at the end of the school year, and all that had transpired since. It was also time to get Harry ready for the reading of the will.
It was with a very heavy heart that Albus Dumbledore began roaming the house looking for Harry or anyone who would know where he could be found. Figuring the kitchen would be the logical place to start looking, Dumbledore headed that way. As he neared the door to the kitchen he could hear someone crying on the other side. The sobs were heart wrenching. Dumbledore wondered for a moment if he should interrupt before he pushed open the door and stepped softly into the kitchen.
Jumping as if she had been hit with volts of electricity, Petunia almost fell off her chair when Dumbledore walked into the room. He helped her to right herself, which made her cry all the more.
“What is it, dear sweet lady?” Dumbledore asked almost panicked at this woman who appeared to be melting down in front of him.
“I’ve been so terrible for so many years. I’ve been horrible to him. How can anyone forgive me? How do I think I am going to start over in this world with no powers, no friends, nothing? And now I hear this Voldemort person is back. That monster took my parents, my sister, everything I knew except for the monster my husband became, away from me.” Petunia was working herself up into a mild case of hysterics by now. Dumbledore was unsure whether to touch her shoulder or what.
“Harry will be fine. He is remarkably resilient for a boy who has been through so much and who still has the world on his shoulders. I’m afraid that I have made my own mistakes with him as well. As for Voldemort, that’s what the Order of the Phoenix is about Petunia. We fight for the side of the Light. We, with the strong help of your nephew will stop Voldemort. But Petunia, tell me why you did not call me or someone when Vernon started hitting you?” asked Dumbledore. This was something that had been puzzling him since the night before.
“I had turned my back on Lily. How could you not still be upset with me for that. I was completely alone. I figured you and your friends would be angry with me as well for my actions to my sister. To be honest, I never fit in with this world. I guess it is the lack of magic in me. So I let Vernon run over me, and in the process ended up hurting my sister’s child. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I had no idea what I could do to stop it all from happening,” Petunia cried filled with anguish.
Molly, listening at the doorway, was almost ashamed of herself. She knew how she would react in the same situation, but protective or not did she have the right to be so hard on Petunia? Merlin help Vernon Dursley if she ever saw him face to face. She now had a new target for her anger.
“Petunia, self pity will get you no where. We cannot change the past, but we can change how we are perceived in the future. You have to make the decision to start that change though. Does you berating yourself actually help Harry or Dudley in any way, shape, or form? What you need to do is start rebuilding your self-esteem so nothing like this ever happens again. You need to be strong for those boys; they both have much to face in the next few months, as do you. Take a page from Molly’s book. I have never seen a stronger or more protective mother in my life,” said the headmaster, trying not to lose his patience with Petunia and encourage her at the same time.
Molly blushed fiercely at the compliment from Professor Dumbledore. She knew she should not be eavesdropping, but could not tear herself away from the door. Maybe she had misjudged Petunia.
“I think I have figured that out. She just flamed me, and my mothering skills. All of this is so hard to explain to someone who has never been in that position. The terror, the pain, I know it seems the coward’s way out. But honestly, after a while you either go along, or live in fear. Molly may never understand that. I can’t see her letting anyone push her around for long,” Petunia said with a watery smile.
“Give her time, and have patience dear lady. She will come around. We all have our weaknesses, some just hide them better than others,” Professor Dumbledore said with a smile while surreptitiously glancing at the door.
He knows I am here. I guess I should go in and apologize. Does he realize how hard this is going to be? Molly swallowed her pride with a gulp and stepped into the kitchen.
“My apologies for losing my temper Petunia. I heard what you said to the Headmaster here, and I may have been wrong on some things about you,” Molly said with a resigned sigh.
“I understand better than you think Molly, and your apology is accepted. Do you think we might be able to start over?” asked Petunia with a very hopeful look on her face.
“I think I might like that,” Molly replied with a smile.
Albus Dumbledore watched as a delicate new friendship formed between the two women.
As much as I would love to stay here and chat, I am actually looking for Harry. Do either of you know where he is?” Albus asked them both.
The two women looked at each other and Molly said to Professor Dumbledore, “He left the kitchen a little while ago, after telling us about Sirius and the Department of Mysteries. Professor, I am worried about him, he is blaming himself for Sirius’ death. It is horrible, you can almost see it tearing him apart.” Molly was beginning to worry in full force again. “I’d check in Sirius’ room, or in the room where the hippogriff is. That’s most likely the two places he would be.”
“Thank you,” Professor Dumbledore said with a meaningful look at Molly. She knew he was thanking her for more than the locations to find Harry. She nodded at him as he walked off.
Harry was still brooding over the earlier row with Ginny when Professor Dumbledore walked through the door. Right off the bat Harry was not happy to see the headmaster, but not wanting a repeat of the incident a few weeks ago, he reigned in his emotions.
“Hello Harry,” Professor Dumbledore said as he walked closer to bow to Buckbeak. Buckbeak startled Harry when he got up to return the bow and then sat back down to be pet some more.
“Hello Professor,” Harry sullenly replied.
“I wanted to talk to you about the reading of the will tomorrow. I know part of what is in it, and we need to discuss your plans,” Dumbledore started out gently. “I know from talking to Sirius that he left most of his estate to you. That includes this place. I need to know if you plan to let the order continue to use the house as headquarters. I’ll give you a few days to think about this, but if you decide against letting us use it, then we need to make other arrangements. I also know that Sirius was left as executor of the Potter estate as well. That includes the house in Godric’s Hollow and Potter Manor. So, as you see, you have no shortage of places to live. Of course, Godric’s Hollow will need some work done to restore it, but I daresay you will have more than enough funds to do so in the very near future.”
“Potter estate? Sirius was executor of the estate? Why is this the first I have heard of the matter?” Harry asked, carefully controlling his temper and the volume of his voice. He wanted to scream, yell, and destroy things again. But he had grown up a bit over the past few weeks, and decided it was time he acted like it.
“Once again Harry, we thought it was…” the professor began.
“For my own good,” Harry interrupted. “Do you know how sick and tired I am of hearing that phrase? Especially as a less than acceptable excuse for once again keeping me in the dark? Professor, I really thought you would have learned by our last encounter that keeping things from me is not really the best option.” Harry got up and walked across the room.
“This is why I came to you now Harry. In all honesty, I had forgotten about all the matters of the estates until the day before yesterday when I received this by owl. Sirius had sent letters to Gringotts to be issued to different people in the case of his death. Gringotts sent me yours as well,” Dumbledore said, somewhat chagrined. He pulled a sealed scroll of parchment from a pocket in his robe.
“I’ll be waiting outside while you read it, in case you need anything,” the professor said quietly as Harry stared at the letter in his hands with reverence.
Harry broke the wax seal on the letter. He vaguely recognized the Black family crest as the seal.
Dear Harry,
If you are reading this, then I am gone. Hopefully I went down fighting and am now with your mother and father watching over you from beyond. That is unless I died of boredom, in which case I will be ecstatic that the misery is over.
I know you Harry, and how you try to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. No matter how I died or what happened, it is not your fault. Do I need to say it again? It is not your fault. You still no doubt don’t believe me. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I am a stubborn old dog, I’ve been so all my life. I’ve done what I pleased and damn the consequences. My one regret will be leaving you. Having the chance to get to know you, not just as James and Lily’s son, but as you; Harry, was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Please Harry, one last favor for this obstinate old dog, Please keep an eye on Remus. He so needs someone to look after him, and with me not there to do it, I am afraid he will fall apart. Let him lean on you Harry, just as you should lean on him. Make him go shopping, go out to a movie, teach him to enjoy life. He needs the instruction in that area. Also let him into your heart. Think of him not as just a professor, but the marauder he still is at heart. I’d like for him to take over for me as your godfather if you would let him Harry. It would mean the world to him and me.
Last but not least Harry, take care of yourself. Live. Laugh. Love. Especially love. Without laughter and love in the world, you have to wonder what you are fighting for. And if you start to wonder, Voldemort begins to win. Don’t push your friends away right now Harry, draw them to you. You may be the Child of the Prophecy, but there are others with their destinies so tangled in yours it is hard to see where one ends and the others begin. (If you do not know of the prophecy, make sure you irritate Dumbledore until he tells you the entire thing. I hated keeping things from you, but he insisted.) A man needs love to carry on Harry. That’s a lesson I learned entirely to late for it to do any good for me. But there is still time for you and for Remus.
You’re strong Harry. I have all the faith in the world in you, enough faith to make you your own man. Dumbledore will explain more, I told him to make sure you read the letter before talking to you about it. I will be watching from the other side with your parents. Know that we are never far from your side.
Much love,
Your Godfather,
Sirius Black
P.S. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! So quit thinking that way.
Harry chuckled lightly at the postscript and did not even notice the tears falling down his face until he finished the letter. He clumsily wiped at his face before opening the door and finding that the headmaster was where he said he would be.
Professor Dumbledore said not a word for a few moments, but silently held open his arms for Harry to step into. Harry stumbled forward, falling gently into Dumbledore’s hug and just stayed there a moment. He was no longer crying when he stepped back and looked into his headmaster’s very sad eyes.
“He knew about the prophecy,” Harry stated very quietly. Dumbledore just quietly nodded. “What did he mean by ‘make you your own man’ in my letter?”
“I have not read your letter Harry, but I would presume it is the emancipation he spoke of in my letter. A situation that may have been objected to before more recent developments. I have a feeling he wanted you to be able to come in to your fortunes without having to wait for the age of seventeen. The only thing I ask of you Harry, is please make sure your aunt and cousin are taken care of. I know how horrible they have been to you, some I am just finding out now, but you are not the type to leave them to their own devices. Your Aunt has been a housewife for so long, it will take her a while to find a job to support Dudley and herself. I will make sure Petunia does not fight the emancipation,” the headmaster said, the twinkle returning to his eyes.
“I know we have had our differences in the past Harry. I especially remember the incident a few weeks ago in my office,” he said with a wry smile. “But not is not the time to be pushing people away. It is the time to draw your friends and family close to you. Love is a very powerful weapon Harry, and that is something you have in abundance.”
“I just tried pushing some of my friends away. It failed miserably as Ginny was ready to hex me into oblivion if not for the prohibition of underage magic. I don’t think I have ever seen her so mad. I don’t think I ever want to see it again,” Harry said with a very thoughtful look.
“If Miss Weasley is anything like her mother, I cannot say I blame you dear boy. Molly can be a force to be reckoned with,” the headmaster exclaimed with a chuckle. “Now, is there anything else I can do for you before I leave? I will be back tomorrow to pick you and the others up around noontime for the reading of the will. I want you to know Harry, you are not, nor do you have to be, alone in all of this.”
“No thank you professor, I don’t need anything. This is just a lot to absorb in such a very short time. Sir, I do have one question though. Won’t pulling people close to me just put them in danger?” Harry asked with great trepidation.
“That may be so Harry. But better to have them close to you, than trying to secretly follow you. That way you can keep a closer eye on them.” With that the headmaster winked at Harry and gracefully exited the room.
Harry wandered about the house for a little while. Lost in thought he did not realize where his feet had taken him until he was looking at Ginny’s door.
Go on now. You know you need to apologize. You were an absolute troll earlier and she deserves better than that, especially from you.
But…
Knock already before I do the knocking for you.
“All right already,” Harry accidentally said aloud.
Ginny’s door suddenly opened. Wand in hand, she looked ready to defend herself against anything. She noticed Harry and began to blush.
“Oh, it’s you,” she said with a sarcastic smile. “What does the boy wonder want with little ole me?”
Harry was completely crestfallen. She DID think him arrogant. He didn’t blame her for her attitude; he WAS being a prat earlier.
“Never mind Ginny,” Harry said dejectedly as he turned to walk away.
“Now how am I supposed to stay angry at you when you get that lost puppy look in those emerald eyes?” Ginny said. Harry turned back toward her hopefully. “were you needing me for something Harry?”
I need you to love me. Forgive me. Holding me would fulfill a need too.
“Earth to Harry. Come in Harry. Are you okay?” Ginny asked beginning to get concerned.
“Er…ummmm….” Harry stammered. “I just wanted to apologize for being a prat earlier. I thought I was doing what was best for you guys. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt you and Ron. Please forgive me?”
“What’s the catch?” Ginny questioned Harry very suspicious of sudden apologies.
“No catch. I’ve just spoken to Dumbledore and he gave me a letter from Sirius. You can read it if you would like. It just opened my eyes a bit,” Harry said honestly as he handed over the letter. He watched Ginny’s facial features soften, and then tears begin to fall silently from her eyes. He wanted to step forward and hold her, but kept his arms by his side and his feet planted.
“He’s right you know. No man survives well alone. And just so you know, even if you try to leave us behind, we will only follow a bit behind. Hermione, Ron and I are not going to let you run off alone,” Ginny said, drying the tears from her face.
“I realize that now Ginny. I may be a little thick at times, but I do generally catch on,” Harry said with a crooked smile.
Ginny laughed and said, “Sirius was right about something else too. You need to learn to live and laugh. You don’t seem to do enough of either; especially lately.”
“And love? He said I needed to live, laugh, and love,” Harry said very slowly.
Oh what the heck. All she can do is slap me. I’ll deal with Ron later.
Harry leaned forward ever so slowly, his eyes on Ginny’s lips. He tore his glance away from her lips and looked into her beautiful eyes. He was close enough to see the amber flecks that made her eyes shine so much. He closed his eyes as his lips caressed hers. Softly he kissed her, until the world felt like it was spinning. Her lips were so soft and sweet. Reluctantly, he pulled back slowly and looked in her eyes.
Ginny’s expression was full of shock. As he looked at her, Harry thought that she did not share the same feelings with him.
“Ginny,” he said, embarrassed enough that he wanted the world to open up and swallow him whole. “I am so sorry. I thought….”
Ginny reached up, put her hand on his neck and pulled his face gently back down to hers. Her look had softened, her eyes were practically on fire as she closed them and lowered his head to hers.
Harry and Ginny were still kissing a few minutes later as Ron and Dudley rounded the corner.