Chapter 11: How to Handle a Woman
"So, this is how you spend your free time away from Hogwarts," Snape remarked, as he assisted Clancy back into her chair.
"Where did you come from? What are you doing here?" she said, still very much confused and inebriated.
"I've been dispatched by Professor Dumbledore to fetch you directly back to the castle. Due to Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban Prison, dementors will be guarding the Hogwarts Express, as well as the school grounds. The headmaster feels you are much too delicate to be exposed to dementors before certain things can be explained to you."
"What's a medentor?" Clancy asked, between hiccups.
"Dementor, Miss Norgard. We'd best go into that when you're sober."
"Am I drunk?"
"All signs indicate that you are." Snape seated himself across the table. He picked up the bottle of codeine and examined it. "Muggle medication mixed with alcohol? I never realized your capacity for vice was so well developed."
"It's not what you think! I've den to the bentist," she explained, pointing to her mouth, still stuffed with gauze.
"Oh? Pity. Now I won't be able to provide the headmaster with grounds to discharge you."
Clancy started to revive, slightly. "Is it hot in here, or is it me?" she asked Snape, fanning herself with both hands.
"It is a trifle warm," he agreed, as he stood to remove his cloak, "although I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am, actually, hot."
"Oh, I don't know, Professor. You look pretty hot to me!" Clancy gazed suggestively into Snape's eyes.
Snape's pale complexion warmed from chalked to ash. "I would suggest, Miss Norgard, that you join me in a cup of very strong tea."
"Sounds like fun, but do you think we'll both fit?"
Snape frowned, and regarded her coldly.
"I'm not saking any mense, am I?" Clancy asked.
"You're making about as much sense as you normally do."
Snape re-seated himself, and Clancy found herself staring at those maddening little black buttons on his frock coat. "I've missed them," she sighed, leaning on her hand.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Your buttons. My KINGDOM for a BUTTONHOOK!" Clancy offered, much too loudly, appealing for replies with wildly flailing arms.
Snape tried to remain nonchalant to avoid further embarrassment. He began casually gathering up his cloak and her various belongings. "Come, Miss Norgard. I am taking you directly upstairs to bed."
A delighted smile swept across Clancy's face. She opened her mouth to speak. Snape, anticipating her response, muzzled her with his hand, and hurriedly guided her up the stairs. Before they reached the upstairs landing, Clancy's knees buckled, forcing Snape to carry her the rest of the way. Once inside her room, he deposited her on the bed, removed her shoes, and covered her with a blanket.
"I'm in Number 10, directly down the passage. If you should need anything, please don't bother me. I shall call for you early in the morning. I trust that you will be able to pull yourself out of your lamentable stupor by then," Snape said sourly.
"Stay--" Clancy pleaded, in a kittenish voice.
"Whatever for?"
"Because I want you to." She patted the edge of her bed, inviting him to sit.
"I doubt you would repeat that offer to me, sober," Snape observed, surveying her warily.
"Are you drunk, too?"
"Good night, Miss Norgard," Snape said, turning to leave.
"What room did you say you were in?"
"Number 10."
"Well, that's cozy. The Boy Who Must Be Famous For Something is in Number 11!" Clancy told him, giggling.
Snape grimaced, and closed his eyes, deeply pained. "The perfect touch of irony to crown a most implausible evening." He stalked out, leaving Clancy in hysterics.
The next morning, Clancy awoke with a severe headache, remembering nothing of what had transpired the previous evening. Hearing a rap on her door, she crossed the room to open it.
"Where did you come from? What are you doing here?" she demanded of Snape, surprised to see him.
"We've already played that little scene, Miss Norgard. It is no more amusing this morning than it was last night."
"I haven't the vaguest notion what you're talking about. What has last night to do with anything?"
"You remember nothing?"
"No. All I remember is sitting in a dentist's chair with a suction hose hanging out of my mouth. I don't even know how I got back to my room."
"I carried you here and put you to bed," Snape informed her.
"You did no such thing!" Clancy protested in disbelief.
"I assure you, I did."
"Well, I'm still fully clothed, so you must not have been anymore charismatic than you usually are."
Snape let that remark pass. "Will you please hurry and pack your trunk? I will apply a Shrinking Charm so it will fit in the Floo."
"Why on earth would I want all my clothing shrunk and chucked into the Floo?"
"As I endeavored to convey to you last night, Professor Dumbledore sent me here to return you to Hogwarts. You will not be taking the Hogwarts Express in three days. We are returning by the Floo Network this morning. Surely you've heard of the Floo Network?"
"Yes. I've heard of it, but I certainly have no intention of using it. I'm allergic to dust and powder."
Snape was growing irritated. "Something tells me you wouldn't be too keen on a Portkey excursion either, so I'm afraid I must insist on traveling by Floo."
"Well, I'm not going anywhere until I've eaten a decent breakfast. I'm as hungry as a hound."
Clancy packed her trunk. Snape applied a Shrinking Charm, and then tucked it into his wand pocket. They walked downstairs and found a table. "How can you possibly eat?" Snape inquired.
"I only had a light lunch yesterday, and I haven't eaten since," Clancy explained. "As long as I stick to soft foods, I should be fine." She ordered hot cocoa and eggs, and consumed them while Snape gave her a briefing on dementors.
"You mean dementors can actually drain every happy thought and memory out of a person and reduce them to utter despair?"
"Correct."
"Funny, I always thought that was your job."
"You are very droll this morning, Miss Norgard," Snape observed dryly. "If you persist with your levity, I shall be forced to visit Quality Quidditch Supplies to procure a Bludger bat!"
When breakfast concluded, the happy pair proceeded to Diagon Alley to find an available Floo, as the Cauldron's was closed for cleaning. A large crowd was present, consisting predominantly of Hogwarts students and their families buying school supplies. Snape disliked crowds, and was much too impatient to stand in a long queue to wait for an available Floo. He dragged Clancy by the arm across the way to Knockturn Alley.
"What is this awful place?" she asked Snape, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
"Knockturn Alley," Snape told her, offering no further explanation. "It will take us to our destination. That is all that matters."
As they navigated their way along the crooked street, an unkempt tart, a witch of ill-repute approached Snape. "I'll do anything you want for a Galleon," the witch propositioned Snape, with a come-hither leer.
"Very well," he agreed, reaching into his pocket. Clancy stood silent, watching the scene unfold. "Paint my house," Snape proposed. The wretched creature ambled away, cursing Snape under her breath.
"I'll admit she wasn't very appealing, but you didn't have to go out of your way to insult her," Clancy remarked.
"Oh, I don't know. She was infinitely more appealing than you were last night."
"What is it you're getting at? Are you implying that I behaved in an unseemly fashion?"
"All I care to say on the subject is that you did a great deal of rambling on about BUTTONS!"
Snape pushed Clancy into a shop called Borgin and Burkes. It was by far the filthiest, most disgusting establishment she had ever seen. They stopped in front of a large stone fireplace, and Snape grabbed a handful of silver powder from a tarnished urn attached to the mantle.
"Get in," he ordered Clancy, stepping in after her. "The Floo is quite large. We will go together."
The Floo Powder made Clancy's nose tickle, and she tried as best she could to suppress a sneeze. "I have...to...ah...ah...sneeze," she choked out, contorting her face to prevent the inevitable.
"Well, see that you don't!" Snape ordered.
Clancy held her nose, but she was fighting a losing battle. "Ma...ma... dahm... dahm...tah...SOOOOO!" she sneezed, loudly and emphatically, at the precise second Snape released the Floo Powder.
They disappeared in a flash of emerald green flame, only to reappear moments later in the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Re: Paint my house: I am 99 percent certain I stole that line from Henny Youngman.