Chapter 13: Let Me Entertain You!
As they continued flying west, a light rain began to fall. Snape guided the broom downward to survey the countryside. "This terrain doesn't look familiar. I'm going to land, and find out exactly where we are," he told Clancy.
They touched down along a deserted road near a grove of trees, and they sought shelter beneath them. "There's a signpost across the road. Walk over there and read it," Snape directed.
"Me? Why don't you go?"
"You're better dressed for the occasion."
Clancy conceded the point, and went over to read the sign, while Snape shivered miserably behind a tree. A few moments later, Clancy returned, looking crestfallen.
"I'm afraid we've taken a wrong turn. I can't even pronounce the name on the sign. It's a very long word with a few too many Ls in it, so I'm guessing we must be somewhere in Wales." Snape's teeth were chattering so badly that he could barely reply, but he gave Clancy a look that would wither fresh flowers.
"Look," she suggested, "why don't I walk down the road a piece and see what I can find out?"
"All I require at the moment is some warm clothing. I'm freezing."
"Can't you transfigure some with my wand?"
"I wouldn't care to attire myself in anything that useless wand might produce."
"Take my jacket, then," she offered.
"Remember this, you pathetic little goose: Not now, or at any time in the future will I ever wear WOMEN'S CLOTHING!"
"Be that way! I'm not the one who's freezing. I'll be off, then." Lifting her chin, Clancy prepared to leave.
Snape caught her arm. "Can I depend on you to return?"
"Well, let me see ... I'm a worthless Muggle -- and an American, to boot. How can you rely on my feeble brain? Considering the current state of your affairs, though, it looks like you'll have to depend on me." Smirking, Clancy took off down the road, determined to prove to Snape beyond all doubt that she could do a better job of managing things than he could.
A village lay just around the bend. Near the outskirts of it, Clancy spotted a large barn that had been converted into a community theatre. It appeared to be closed, but she walked around to the back to have a look. There she found another, smaller structure with a sign above it that read, "Dressing Rooms." Clancy jiggled the latch, and it yielded. Inside were two long costume racks, one marked for men, the other for women.
Clancy pictured poor Snape, huddled pitifully under a tree. She grabbed the first costume she saw from the men's rack, and started back up the road.
"You've returned sooner than I expected. Let me see what you've brought," Snape said, taking the costume from her. "A KILT? You brought me a KILT?" he growled.
"It's the first thing I could find. There's a theatre troupe down the road doing a production of Brigadoon, according to the marquee. I was concerned for your welfare, so I didn't want to leave you alone for too long. Put it on, and don't complain. Beggars can't be choosers."
Scowling, Snape positioned himself behind the tree and proceeded to dress. Meanwhile, Clancy promised herself that no matter how ludicrous Snape looked, she would not laugh. She had, after all, given him enough bad turns for one day.
Snape took an incredibly long time dressing, so at last Clancy asked, "Aren't you about ready?"
He stepped out. "If you dare say one word about my appearance, I will tie you to this tree and leave you for the vultures! I may not be able to do domestic charms without my wand, but I am quite capable of summoning a rope!"
"Would that be before or after you thrash the tar out of me?"
"I am much too hungry to thrash the tar out of anyone, at present. Let's go!" he commanded. He picked up the broom and strode toward the road, leaving Clancy to follow in his wake.
As she walked behind him down the road, Clancy studied Snape. Oddly enough, he cut a rather dashing figure, in his black velvet doublet worn over a white ruffled jabot. His legs were a bit scrawny, but overall, he didn't look half bad.
"There's the theatre where I found your costume," Clancy pointed out as they approached it. "If you're terribly uncomfortable, we can go and have another look around."
"That won't be necessary. All I wish to do now is eat, then press on to Hogwarts. The sooner I'm free of your company, the better."
"How can we eat? Neither of us has any money."
"When we reach the village, something will occur to me," Snape declared.
In the village, Snape noticed a sign in front of a building that appeared to be a meeting hall. The sign read, "Talent competition here today! Come one, come all! 100 pounds cash prize!"
"There's our answer," Snape told Clancy. "Sign yourself up, and you can sing for our supper."
"I can't sing," Clancy said.
"That has already been well established. I see no other alternative, at present, so you will just have to squeak by on your meager abilities and hope we get lucky."
"Thank you for your glowing praise, but what I meant was, that I have just had oral surgery. I can't open my jaw wide enough to sing."
"Then play the piano."
"Why must everything be left up to me? You're supposedly the one in charge."
"I am not at the top of my form in Muggle society, in case you haven't noticed."
"All right. I'm getting hungry, too. I'll sign up," Clancy agreed reluctantly. They joined a short queue to wait their turn.
"What's your talent, miss?" asked the man at the registration table.
"I play piano."
"Sorry, miss. We haven't a piano. This is a meeting hall. When we hold competitions, the contestants generally bring whatever they need for themselves," he explained.
Clancy had to think fast. "All right, then. Sign up my companion. He has an act."
"WHAT?" Snape said, incredulous.
"Leave it to me," Clancy whispered to him. "You want to eat, don't you?"
"What's your friend's talent?" the man asked Clancy. "Does he play the pipes?"
"No, he's a ... a ... well, he's sort of a ..."
"Does he have an act, or doesn't he?" the man demanded, growing impatient.
"He's a MAGICIAN!" Clancy blurted out. Snape was too astonished to speak.
"What's the name of his act?" the man needed to know.
"The ... the ... GREAT SNAPINI and his assistant ... er ... Lulu."
The man scribbled down that name and told them, "Find a seat and watch the show. You'll be performing near the end." They positioned themselves in the back of the hall, waiting for the competition to begin.
"Lulu?" Snape inquired.
"Well, I don't know -- it sounded theatrical."
"This time you've really gone too far! I will not degrade myself by performing a magic act for Muggles!"
"What other choice do we have? You heard what he said. There's no piano. Relax. No matter what simple trick you do, the locals are sure to be impressed. This is a small village. What are the chances anyone around here would have a real talent?"
"Just what do you propose I do?"
"I'll go into the audience and ask for volunteers to contribute a personal item. They'll tell me what they'd like to have it transformed into, then I'll bring it to you on the stage. Use my wand, and just do the best you can. If the magic doesn't turn out quite right, no one will know the difference. It'll be simple -- you'll see!"
"This is the most outrageous idea you've had yet. Unfortunately, my stomach is grumbling violently. All right, Lulu," Snape growled sarcastically, "I will play along."
The competition began. The longer the show progressed, the more confident Snape grew. The performers were terrible! A farmer produced a series of birdcalls, but they all sounded like the same bird. An elderly couple attempted to dance the quickstep, but the man dislocated his knee and had to be helped off the stage. A young boy made some crude sounds with his armpit; another man recited Hamlet's soliloquy in pig Latin.
At last, it was time for the Great Snapini to take to the stage. Clancy gave Snape a brief introduction, then made her way back to the audience to solicit volunteers.
A rather brazen young woman was the first to stand. She removed a garter from around her thigh, and handed it to Clancy. "Let's see him turn this into a mouse," she challenged.
Clancy brought the item to the stage and Snape easily transfigured it into a mouse. The mouse wriggled free of Snape's grasp, scurrying back into the audience. It ran straight up the leg of the startled young woman, and attached itself to the very spot on her thigh where it had once been a garter. Shrieking, the woman dashed from the hall while the audience howled.
Next, a man requested that his pipe be turned into a piccolo, as he had always wanted to play one. Snape managed to transfigure it into a pickle, but the audience was very appreciative just the same. The man soon realized that he couldn't smoke a pickle or play a tune with it, so he demanded that it be restored to a pipe. Snape transfigured the pickle into a drainpipe, but as the man's sink was in need of repair, he was more than satisfied. On and on it went, with the Great Snapini receiving more approval after each trick he performed.
For his final feat, Clancy approached a plump woman wearing an ugly, brown felt hat. "Stand right up, Madam, and prepare to face the Great Snapini! Kindly remove your hat, and before your very eyes, he will transfigure it into anything you can name!"
"How about a pineapple?" the woman suggested.
"An excellent choice, Madam, but not enough of a test for the Great Snapini! Not only will he change your hat into a pineapple, but prepare to be amazed as he commands it to tap dance across this very stage!"
Clancy delivered the hat to Snape, flashing her best I-told-you-so expression. Snape curled his lip. "Now, now," Clancy chided. "We mustn't forget our stage presence!"
Snape performed the transfiguration, producing a lush specimen of the exotic fruit. Not only did the pineapple tap dance across the stage, it switched to a conga, hopping up the aisle and out into the street. The audience cheered as Clancy and a very self-satisfied Snape returned to their seats.
"We'll be dining in the finest restaurant in the village within the hour," he told Clancy smugly.
There was only one act left. A young, brown-haired girl, who looked about seven, climbed up on the stage and began to sing.
"She's pretty good," Clancy commented to Snape. "She's no Eloise Midgen, but she's got potential."
"Rubbish. That worthless Muggle brat is destined to live out her life in well-deserved obscurity," he scoffed.
"Forgive me. I didn't realize divination was among your many accomplishments."
The competition ended with the contestants lining up on stage in the order of their performances. The winning act would be determined by audience applause. The Great Snapini and Lulu received a very enthusiastic response, and Snape took a conceited little bow. When the master of ceremonies placed his hand over the head of the young girl, the audience rose for a standing ovation.
"It is my great honor and privilege," the gentleman announced, "to award the cash prize to the pretty little lady with the big voice -- MISS CHARLOTTE CHURCH!"
Snape stalked off the stage, muttering obscenities. Clancy thought it would be best to leave him alone for a while, so she strolled outside. The weather had cleared, and night was falling. About ten minutes later, Snape joined her.
"Here's your money. Where shall we dine?" he asked, with a cunning smile.
"Where did you get this?" Clancy asked, amazed.
"While the brat's parents were preoccupied with congratulations, I used the Diffendo spell to cut open the mother's purse. The money fell to the floor, and I casually picked it up. Now, where shall we dine?"
"You stole money from a child? That's the most despicable thing I've ever heard! I, for one, refuse to touch that money!"
"The money was in the mother's possession, so technically, I stole it from her."
"That makes no difference. I refuse to eat with ill-gotten gains!"
"I fail to see how this is any worse than you taking the clothes I am wearing from that theatre," Snape reminded Clancy.
"I took the clothes because you were cold, and I was concerned for you," she retorted.
"Well, then, be gracious enough to accept that I did this for you, because you are hungry," Snape rationalized.
"You're hungrier than I am, so it's by no means an altruistic gesture!"
"You can lie in the road and rot, for all I care. I am ravenous. I am going to eat!" Snape bellowed, and tramped down the street.
Clancy watched Snape stride angrily away from her. Her mind recalled that sweet little girl, but just then her stomach emitted a profound growl. "Wait for me!" she called to Snape, hurrying to catch up with him.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
A word concerning pineapples: I feel I should warn you there is much PWP ahead. In this case, however, instead of Plot? What Plot? it stands for Pineapple Within Potterverse. The tap dancing pineapple can be found in the canon (Book One, Chapter 16). It is NOT an OFC (Other Fruit Character). I maintain that if a legless piece of fruit can tap dance, it would surely be able to do the conga, which is a much simpler dance.