Chapter Fifteen

The backroom of the Hog’s Head pub seemed to echo with silence.

The Order of the Phoenix sat soberly around a circular wooden table. It was a grave bunch; heads were bowed, eyes downcast. The deafening quiet was broken only by the occasional sniffle coming from Dorcas Meadows, a squat little witch with a pug nose and kind eyes that were presently red and puffy. To her right, a grimmer-than-usual Alastor Moody dug out a yellowed handkerchief from his overlarge robes and handed it to her. She gave a great blow, which had a few people looking up, startled as though awaken from a deep, hypnotic trance and realizing for the first time they were in company.

The Order was a small group tonight. Many were out on special assignments and others were otherwise…incapacitated. To the right of Moody sat Remus Lupin, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, and Professor McGonagall. On the other side of Dorcas, Peter Pettigrew kept shooting nervous glances over to Lily and James Potter, as though looking for clues how to act. Though completely silent, Lily’s pale cheeks were streaked with tears and she stared resolutely down at her lap. James’ eyes remained downcast as well, but he kept a reassuring arm around his wife’s shoulders. Dumbledore, center of James and Sirius, scanned the room slowly, a rare frown on his usually serene face. In a moment, he caught Miriam’s gaze next to Sirius. She determinably shifted her eyes away.

Dark, greasy waves churned sickeningly throughout Miriam’s center. Though she had drained herself of tears a while back, her eyes remained swollen, her complexion a splotchy pink. A raw, throbbing bruise stained her cheekbone. This had remained essentially ignored; the grief was painful enough on its own. Yet it was her stomach full of horrible, hot guilt that made it unbearable. Below the table, Miriam had stopped wringing her hands together and was now relentlessly spinning the silver band on her left ring finger. A single pearl, round and smooth and perfect, a half-globe, adorned the piece. She ran her fingers over it, again and again, seeking comfort and stability. For the first time since Sirius had placed the ring on her finger, she found none.

“It’s a bloody shame,” grumbled Moody. “Just a bloody damn shame.”

There were a few grunts of agreement around the table. It seemed to be all most could muster up. Then Lily spoke for the first time all evening.

“They had a son,” she whispered. Miriam, though she hadn’t thought it possible, felt her eyes fill once more with tears.

“They still do,” said Dumbledore gently. “And I’m sure he’ll grow up to be very proud of them indeed.”

“Frank and Alice,” murmured Emmeline Vance. “I just can’t believe it.”

A loud honk from the front of the room made nearly everyone jump. Hagrid stood guarding the door leading into the pub, his nose buried in a handkerchief.

“Beg ‘pardon,” he mumbled wetly.

“Quite alright, Hagrid, quite alright,” said Dumbledore. For the first time, everyone looked up. Miriam stopped fiddling with her ring. Though the table was round, it was more than clear who sat at the head as Dumbledore stood. “The Longbottoms were two of our bravest, most valued fighters. Aurors both, they were not only uniquely talented wizards, but also exceptionally kind people and loving parents. They will be deeply missed as we once knew them, and greatly cared for in their present state. ”

“Here here!” said Sirius gruffly, and lifted his glass. The others all followed suit.

“Furthermore,” continued Dumbledore, “we must not blame ourselves for this tragedy.” Now he looked directly at Miriam. “The only fault lies in the hands of Lord Voldemort and his followers. Let this serve as reinforcement to our cause. Let the memory of the Longbottoms as we once knew them give us reason when all other is lost, and give us purpose when it seems as if there is none.”

Miriam knew Dumbledore’s words were supposed to be comforting; the other members of the Order were all nodding their heads and sitting up straighter in their seats. But Miriam wanted to leave more than ever. She felt as though everyone was watching her, curious, wanting information, expecting her to say something. By now they would all know who had been the first to reach the Longbottoms…and who could not �“ had not �“ saved them.

“You should know, Miriam,” began Dumbledore, and Miriam’s head snapped up in surprise at being directly addressed, “that Mrs. Longbottom sends her deepest and sincerest gratitude. She says that she has never before seen such a brave and unwavering display of determination, and that you refused to give up even after you knew that there was no hope. It is her belief that Frank and Alice would be dead if not for you.”

There were a few murmurs and nods in Miriam’s direction, and Miriam’s insides gave a guilty squirm. She would not be made a hero.

“There are some things worse than death,” she muttered darkly.

A grave silence filled the room once more. Sirius gave Miriam’s hands an affectionate squeeze under the table, his palms melting away the chill that seemed to coat her skin. Then there was a playful gurgling noise, and everyone looked to the corner of the room where a bassinet gave a gentle rock. Lily stood up hastily and went over to it, lifting a tiny infant from the cushiony interior and holding him close to her. Miriam looked at Harry, her godson, and felt a clench in the pit of her stomach; Harry’s eyes were closed and he was sucking his thumb serenely, and Miriam couldn’t help but think he had so much in common with another little boy whose parents she had just lost.

Dumbledore cleared his throat, and everyone averted their attention back to the table.

“I’m sorry to announce that there are other unfortunate matters we must now address.” Miriam noticed that Lily did not return to the table �“ in fact, her back faced the room and she didn’t even seem to be listening �“ but Miriam said nothing.

“I have reason to believe that two others of our group are in very specific danger,” said Dumbledore. Miriam looked around the table and then at Sirius, questioningly; but his eyes remained fixed on Dumbledore, his jaw tight. “As we are all aware, perhaps now more than ever, Lord Voldemort will stop at nothing to fulfill his insidious deeds. We must make it a priority to ensure that James and Lily Potter do not fall into his hands.”

Miriam knew this was not the end of his speech; she could see Dumbledore’s mouth still moving, could see the looks of shock and fear on the other member’s faces. But it seemed that Miriam had gone suddenly and completely deaf to the sounds of human voices. All she could hear was a loud, rushing noise coursing through her ears, as though someone were holding up two seashells to them.

Not James and Lily, she thought, twisting her head around to look at Lily who had yet to rejoin the Order. It can’t be. She repeated this over and over to herself, until she was very nearly convinced that it had all been some terrible misunderstanding. She’d been so distracted that it wasn’t until she felt a strong hand lifting her by the elbow that she noticed the Order appeared to be filing out of the backroom.

“Come on,” whispered Sirius gruffly in her ear. “They need privacy.”

Miriam looked around and noticed that Dumbledore, James and Lily were the only ones not heading towards the exit. Disappointment filled Miriam. She had hoped, had honestly believed that maybe, just maybe…

“Wait,” called James, and Miriam and Sirius turned from the door back to the wooden table. “You two should stay.” He gave Dumbledore an odd look that Miriam couldn’t quite interpret, but Dumbledore gave a short nod.

Miriam and Sirius circled back to their seats. James sat with his hands folded tensely, his usually mischievous grin gone, replaced by a seriousness that Miriam was slightly frightened by. He held a hand out to Lily, who at last set the baby back in his carrier, and returned to the table. She appeared calm, but Miriam could see the lines of worry etched in her pretty face.

Miriam had the sudden urge to shout at Dumbledore, to criticize him for making such a tremendous blunder and causing the unhappiness echoing off of her two dearest friends. She simply would not, could not accept it. But she held her tongue with remarkable effort and resumed her place at the table.

“I must impress upon you,” Dumbledore began, indicating Miriam, “the seriousness of the situation. Lily and James have faced Lord Voldemort before and have barely escaped with their lives. If Voldemort decides to tie up loose ends, as I am quite certain he will, Lily and James will be in very grave danger.”

But Miriam was not paying attention to Dumbledore; she had stopped the moment she realized that he was saying this to her and no one else. Instead she stared, open mouthed at Sirius, who refused to meet her eyes.

“You knew?” she whispered angrily. “You knew about this and didn’t tell me?”

“You weren’t well,” said Sirius, a harsh edge to his voice. He still wouldn’t look at her.

“I’m fine!” snapped Miriam.

“You’ve been fainting, Miriam, and I didn’t want this to upset you more �“ ”

“I am not weak!”

“Enough,” said Dumbledore. His voice was soft, but Miriam and Sirius fell silent immediately. “This is not the time for petty disputes.” (Miriam scowled at this) “We have more important issues at hand. James, seeing as though Sirius is aware of your situation, I take it you and Lily have decided upon a course of action?”

Miriam looked back and forth from James, to Sirius, to Dumbledore, feeling oddly betrayed. Why hadn’t she been included in any of this? Did they really think her incapable of handling this kind of information?

“We have,” said James solemnly. “Lily and I plan to go into hiding, and soon. We think it would be wise to use the Fidelious Charm.” James paused for a moment that seemed like an eternity to Miriam. She knew what he would say next and had the terrible urge to clap her hands over her ears to as not to hear it. “We want Sirius to be our Secret Keeper.”

In that one simple sentence, Miriam felt her entire world come crashing down around her.

“Ah,” said Dumbledore, looking down at his hands. When he looked back up at them, Miriam could have sworn she saw an odd glint in Dumbledore’s eyes. But the next moment it was gone, replaced by his usual calm expression.

“Naturally, naturally,” he said. “However, I wonder if you recall that I, too, offered to undertake this position �“ ”

“I’ll do it,” said Sirius, with a tone of finality. Sirius held out his hand across the table and James gripped it firmly. It was a solid gesture, their expressions sober, mouths set in a firm line �“ yet emotion pulsated between them.

Miriam didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. She looked at Dumbledore desperately, silently begging him to refuse this request, to insist upon being Secret Keeper, to do anything but let Sirius….

“Very well then,” said Dumbledore. “Sirius, I will need you to �“ ”

“Wait!” Everyone turned towards Lily.

Lily walked around the table to Miriam, her eyes determined. She picked up Miriam’s hands and held them in her own.

“Nobody has asked Miriam her opinion this,” said Lily quietly, her eyes gazing searchingly into her friend’s. “This affects her as well.”

Miriam was suddenly very ashamed of herself. This was not about her.

Tearing her eyes away she looked towards Sirius who too was staring at her intensely. Miriam’s heart seemed to be bursting with emotion, with love �“ with fear. How could she willingly risk the life of the man she loved to the hands of Lord Voldemort? Then Miriam looked back at Lily.

How could she not?

She herself would have agreed to it in an instant if they had asked. Miriam realized with a heavy heart that she could not ask Sirius to do otherwise.

“I don’t think you could have picked a better man for the job,” she said at last; and though it nearly killed her, Miriam had meant it.

Lily pulled Miriam into a fierce hug. Miriam saw over Lily’s shoulder the expression on Sirius’s face as he looked at her, and felt her stomach perform a full somersault that was not at all unpleasurable.

“Besides,” said Miriam, wiping a single tear from the corner of her eye, “do you really think he’d listen to me if I’d said no?”

They all laughed quietly and Lily returned to her seat. Miriam felt her color rising as Sirius continued to stare at her.

“By undertaking this task, you’ll both realize that you’ll be placing yourselves in considerable danger,” said Dumbledore, once everybody had settled back down. “The Fidelius Charm will protect Lily and James from being detected by Lord Voldemort unless their Secret Keeper chooses to divulge that sensitive information.” Miriam couldn’t help but notice that Dumbledore placed particular emphasis on this last statement and stared unblinkingly at Sirius, who stared right back into his wizened face.

“As such,” he continued, “Lord Voldemort will be undoubtedly on the lookout for you as well. It would be wise for you to go into hiding, and soon.”

Miriam hadn’t thought of this; she wouldn’t be able to work at the hospital anymore. They’d have to postpone the wedding. She might not see her friends for a very long time…

“Wait,” said Sirius sharply. “Miriam hasn’t been well. I’m not going anywhere until she’s better, I’m not going to put her health at risk.”

Any wistful or regretful feelings Miriam might’ve been feeling had suddenly vanished, replaced with a fiery, highly indignant glare directed straight at Sirius.

“What has been the matter, Miriam?” asked Dumbledore.

“Nothing,” said Miriam tartly, still shooting invisible daggers at Sirius. “Nothing. I’ve just been a bit…under the weather. A few fainting spells, that’s all. It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Lily shot Miriam an odd, slightly suspicious glance. Miriam ignored this.

“Not until you’re well,” said Sirius, firmly.

“When you feel ready, then,” said Dumbledore, and once again they fell silent. “Fortunately, I think it will take some time before Lord Voldemort realizes what we have done. However, the charm should be performed �“”

“Not tonight,” said Sirius, sending a furtive look to James who stared back, his brow furrowed. Again, Miriam thought she saw something unusual flicker between Dumbledore’s eyes. “It’s been a long day for everyone, and I think we all need a good night’s sleep to mull things over. We’ll come back to this with a clear head tomorrow.”

“Since when have you been so sensible?”

Sirius and Miriam arrived home later that evening with an unnerving tension buzzing between them. Their small, two-story house was dark, and Sirius moved through it stealthily, lighting his way as he walked and tossing his jacket carelessly over the wooden newel post. Miriam picked up the jacket, as was routine, and hung it neatly in the hall closet. They walked together into their cozy living area, which only had room for a single, lumpy couch and a fireplace. Sirius knelt down and busied himself with the fire while Miriam stood in the entryway, arms crossed, a skeptical expression leaning towards a scowl on her face. Sirius had yet to answer her.

“You’re still not telling me something. Why didn’t you want Dumbledore to perform the Fidelius Charm tonight?”

Sirius kept his gaze fixed into the growing fire.

“I thought I made that clear in the Hogshead.” Miriam blinked, surprised. Sirius’s voice, when he spoke to her, was unusually sharp. “I’d like to wait until I’m convinced you’re well…”

“Bullocks,” said Miriam. “Don’t pretend you’re above using concern for me as an means of getting what you want, we both know you’re not.”

Despite himself, Sirius grinned devilishly.

“Why didn’t you �“”

“Darling Miriam,” said Sirius, pushing himself to his feet and going towards her. He took her face in his hands and rubbed his thumbs gently over the dark stains beneath her eyes, as if he could erase them with touch. Unable to resist, he pressed a kiss to the glowering mouth. “Can’t you ever let anything go? No of course not, that’s why I love you. You’ve never let me go, have you? Even when you knew it might be the easier alternative. You’ve never given up on me. So I’m asking you again, just this once more to trust me. Don’t give up on me now.”

Miriam stared up into the eyes she loved so much and felt a burning behind her own. Exhaustion beat down upon every muscle in her body and knew she couldn’t hold out much longer.

“Okay, okay, don’t get sloppy,” she muttered.

Sirius laughed and kissed her again, but this time Miriam held on, pulling him close to her, fisting her hands at his back. In a flash the tone had changed from sweet to fierce, the taste from honey to fire. Still amazed, still a bit frightened at the way she could arouse such need in him, could snap his control so effortlessly, Sirius pulled back just a bit and nuzzled his lips against his cheek. He could taste the salt of tears on them.

“Miriam…” he murmured. For once, Sirius found himself at a loss for words.

“Just hang on for a second, okay?”

“As long as you like,” said Sirius.

Miriam wept. She wept for the Alice and Frank, for Mrs. Longbottom, for their son, Neville. She wept for James and Lily, for Harry. She wept for Sirius, and at last, for herself. Images, like movies, of horrible things flashed in her mind; Alice and Frank writhing on their living room floor; Lily and James staring up at her, their eyes cold and dead; Sirius, a flash of green light…

“I should have let them die,” Miriam choked, unaware that she had even voiced these thoughts. “I shouldn’t have left them like this, I should have just let them die.”

Sirius did not know what to say to this. He didn’t know what was right or wrong. So instead he said what he knew was true.

“But you couldn’t have,” he said, running a strong hand up and down her back. “That’s not who you are. Whether you made the right decision or not, you couldn’t have given up on them and just let them die without a fight. You are a Healer, Miriam, to the core. You did nothing less than what you had to do.”

And somehow, like magic, Miriam felt just a little bit better.

“Thank you,” she said. Pulling away, Miriam swiped impatiently at her eyes, ran her hands habitually through her hair. She made a growling noise in her throat. “I have got to stop thinking about this. I cannot keep seeing them over and over, there are more important things to focus on right now.” Now Miriam had begun pacing. “I need a distraction.”

Sirius had dug his hands into his pockets and was watching her move, enjoying himself. Tongue in cheek, he said, “I think I can provide you with an efficient distraction.”

Miriam stopped pacing and rolled her eyes. But before she could get out a single word, Sirius had moved, quick as a fox, and swept Miriam up into his arms, heading towards the stairs.

“What are you doing? Are you insane? Put me down!” Miriam barked, squirming uselessly.

“As you wish,” said Sirius, and in another moment he had dropped her unceremoniously onto the bed they shared and had her arms pinned above her head. Miriam scowled.

“I’m not having sex.”

“Fine,” said Sirius, leaning his head down to nibble at her jaw line, please when he heard her sharp intake of breath, felt her pulse trip and quicken. “I’ll have sex. You can just lie there.”

Trapped, Miriam felt Sirius switch his hold on her to one hand and slide the other expertly beneath her blouse, caressing the soft skin beneath. A tight, nearly painful wave of heat balled in the pit of her belly. She knew she should be putting up more of a fight, but…God, the man could do the most amazing things with his hands.

“Nu-uh,” she managed, though it sounded more like a whoosh of breath. She couldn’t seem to grasp a clear thought. “You can’t make me.”

“Is that a challenge?” Sirius asked, grinning. Then he crushed his mouth down upon hers, swallowing her feeble cry of protest. Both arms free, Miriam’s hands dove into his hair, dragging him to her, closer yet. Sirius felt a rush of satisfaction; this was one challenge he was certain to win.