SLAM!
Miriam Daniels groaned and burrowed her head deeper beneath her pillow. The sound of the front door slamming shut echoed up the stairs and into the bedroom, followed by the pounding of angry footsteps. Miriam thought for a moment to sit up and make herself look halfway presentable, but in another second abandoned this notion and curled up even tighter, knees to chest. A minute later, the bedroom door flew open and Sirius Black stormed inside, eyes blazing.
“Well. Isn’t this cozy,” he said tightly. Miriam could hear the strain in his voice and felt a twinge of guilt. Reluctantly, she slid her head out from beneath her pillow and peered up into Sirius’s clenched face.
“Hi. Um, have a seat?”
Sirius did not respond, but remained standing, his arms crossed. His face was slightly red, and his breathing was loud and deep. Miriam had the distinct impression of a teapot that was about to boil over, but thought it best not to share this information.
“I’ve been looking for you,” Sirius said. “Everywhere. You weren’t at the Hogshead, we were supposed to meet with the Order today. It was important, you knew that Miriam. Lily said she hadn’t spoken to you all day. Nobody had seen you, nobody had heard from you. I went to the hospital, they said you hadn’t showed up for work. Bloody hell, Miriam, I’ve been worried sick. And here I find you lounging around in bed, apparently too comfortable to let anyone know that you decided to take the day off!”
Sirius’s voice had risen to a shout, right along with Miriam’s temper. With an effort, she pushed herself up to a sitting position and knew immediately that this had not been a wise idea.
“Well excuse me,” said Miriam acidly, meeting his blazing eyes with her own. “But I don’t see you feeling the need to let me know your whereabouts every second of the day! And I’m not the one who snuck out of the house this morning at an ungodly hour without a word. Perhaps if you’d had the inclination of informing me first, you would have known that I have not been sleeping, nor have I been lounging about!”
Sirius narrowed his eyes and stepped closer to Miriam so he towered over her.
“Don’t you turn this around on me,” he growled.
“I’m not turning anything…oh, shit.”
Any remaining color drained promptly out of Miriam’s face, leaving her with a sickly green tint. With a groan, she roughly threw back her covers, dashed into the bathroom, and retched. Within seconds, Miriam felt strong yet gentle hands sweep back the hair from around her face, and rub her back soothingly up and down. When she was completely empty, the arms scooped her up smoothly, careful not to cause any more movement than was absolutely necessary, and laid her back onto the bed. Another moment, and a cool washcloth softly dabbed at her sweaty forehead. Miriam looked up at Sirius, his eyes full of concern and his mouth set tight. Not wanting to risk speaking yet, she moaned appreciatively.
“I was going to use your mirror to reach Lily,” said Miriam when she had at last mustered the confidence. “Honest, I was. But every time I opened my mouth…”
Sirius pressed a kiss to her forehead, and smiled slightly.
“No need to apologize for my being an idiot,” he said, and Miriam grinned. “If I had bothered to take a good look at you before lashing out with that whole tirade, I would have realized that you were unwell. I’m…” Sirius sighed, as though the next word was causing him great discomfort. “Sorry.”
Miriam laughed, then stopped abruptly when she felt her stomach crawl back up into her throat.
“I was worried about you,” said Sirius. “But I see my fears weren’t completely unfounded. Miriam, have you been for a checkup at the hospital yet?”
“No,” mumbled Miriam sheepishly. “I haven’t had time.” Miriam watched as concern turned into a disapproving frown on Sirius’s handsome face and rolled her eyes. “I’m fine! It’s just a bug or…something. I don’t know. It comes and goes. But I’m…”
“If you’re fine, then stand up.”
Miriam glared. Taking a deep breath she lifted her head first, then propped up on her elbows. She got as far as swinging her legs over the side of the bed before making another mad dash to the toilet. When she had once again been deposited back into bed, this time she curled herself into a ball and grumbled, her face pressed into the pillow, “I hate you.”
Sirius, sitting on the edge of the bed now and rubbing her back, gave a laugh before adopting once more a somber expression.
“I’ve got to leave again,” he said after a minute, and Miriam caught the forced casualty in his tone. A knot that had nothing to do with illness tightened in her belly, and a painful lump rose to her throat.
“Why?” she whined, hating the neediness in her voice. “Where are you going now?”
“I’ve just got to go…check up on a few things,” he said. “I’ll be back soon. I promise. Promise me, though, you’ll stay here in bed unless it’s to go to the hospital.”
Miriam made an indistinctive noise into her pillow.
“Good enough.” Sirius pressed another kiss to the back of her head. “I love you.”
Miriam made another indistinctive grumbling noise into her pillow. A second later she heard the door close softly behind her.
“I love you too.”
Later that afternoon, Miriam had finally plucked up the strength to trudge downstairs into the kitchen to fix herself a cup of tea. Her mind was so overwhelmingly full, and yet her body so painfully empty, all in all it made for a very unpleasant state.
Why was she acting so pathetically? Nobody else was having such a severe reaction to the war; Lily and James weren’t falling apart at the seams when they had more reason to than anybody… So why was she, Miriam, completely losing it? Maybe I really am weak after all, she thought drearily, and felt her eyes fill with tears.
Miriam cursed, viciously.
And Merlin’s beard, why did she feel the inexplicable need to get all weepy at every inopportune moment?!
A loud whistle and Miriam lifted the boiling pot from the stove, then moved to tilt it over her own mug when “
CRACK!
“YAAAH!”
Miriam screamed and whirled around, nearly dropping the boiling pot and spilling burning water over herself, Lily, and Harry.
“I’m sorry!” cried Lily, moving to place a hand on Miriam’s shoulder to help her regain her balance, and keeping one arm wrapped tightly around the gurgling baby. “It’s only us. I didn’t think you’d be in the kitchen!”
Miriam pressed a hand to her racing heart and stared at Lily.
“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to…does James know? I thought Dumbledore made it clear that “ ”
“Oh, stop with that,” said Lily sternly, and took the pot from Miriam’s grip, placing it back onto the stove. “Sirius stopped by a bit ago and said that you weren’t doing well at all. He’s only concerned about you,” she said patronizingly, when Miriam rolled her eyes. “And if you think I’m just going to let my best friend mope around the house all alone without so much as a visit…”
“I’m not moping,” mumbled Miriam in a whiny voice.
“And besides,” said Lily, ignoring this, “Harry wanted to see his God mum. Didn’t you Harry?”
Harry drooled.
“He’s such a charmer,” laughed Lily, and passing Harry over into Miriam’s arms, she gave her a full hug, and pressed a kiss to Miriam’s forehead.
Miriam, once more, had to staunchly ignore the annoyingly persistent urge to bawl.
“How often have you heard that he is just the spitting image of you and James?”
“I’ve lost count,” said Lily. “But you know something? It never really gets old.”
“I’m really glad you came,” said Miriam suddenly. “I miss you.” She looked down at Harry, who was sucking his thumb and staring up at Miriam with great interest, “And you.”
Lily, who had taken a seat at the small dining table, smiled. “We’ve missed you as well.”
“I hate this!” blurted out Miriam. She felt tears rising again, but this time couldn’t find the will to ignore them. “I hate this. I hate not being able to see you whenever I want. I hate having to sneak around. I hate being worried all of the time, I hate being scared. I want things to go back to how they were.” Miriam wiped a tear from her cheek before it plopped down onto Harry’s.
“Look at me,” she said viciously. “I’m a mess, I can’t even get a grip on myself and there’s no reason for it! And you, you who have every reason to just completely fall apart…you’re as strong and beautiful as ever.” Miriam looked at Lily, helplessly. “Lily…what’s wrong with me?”
Lily frowned.
“Miriam, what exactly is the matter?”
Miriam shifted her hold on Harry and swept a hand impatiently through her hair.
“I’ve been sick, I thought Sirius told “ ”
“Be specific.”
“Okay,” Miriam said, blowing out a breath. “Well…I fainted again yesterday, for no reason. And I’ve been feeling really nauseous all the time. Which is so strange, because if I’m not nauseous, I’ve famished! I’ll eat anything in sight. It’s probably just indigestion now that I think about it. But I’ve been having the strangest cravings…chocolate-covered…things. Things that, ah, that shouldn’t be chocolate covered. Probably.”
Lily’s face remained completely impassive. “Anything else?”
“Well,” said Miriam, sheepishly. “Yes. I’ve been gaining weight. A lot of it. I know Sirius would never say anything, but I can barely fit into my Healer’s robes now and…what? What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
A clever-sort of smile had lit Lily’s face, and she was staring at Miriam with what Miriam thought was an unnerving gleam in her eyes.
“Well, Miriam, it’s just that…I mean, maybe it’s not a mental problem at all. Maybe it’s really something…physical.”
Miriam frowned. “What are you getting at?”
“Oh, Miriam,” said Lily, positively laughing now. “Are you a Healer or aren’t you?”
Beginning to feel a bit insulted, Miriam pouted. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Lily sighed, though not unpleasantly.
“Miriam, think about it. Pretend it were me, and I’m listing off my symptoms to you. Nausea, fainting, mood swings “”
“I never said mood swings,” said Miriam, grumpily.
“…cravings for strange foods…weight gain?”
Miriam thought for a moment, then frowned.
“Well,” she said, “that would be easy. I’d say you’re…”
Then Lily watched, fascinated, as all of the color drained completely out of Miriam’s face. Then she began to sway, and Lily hastily stood and snatched Harry from Miriam’s arms.
“Well,” said Miriam at last, in a very matter-of-fact tone. “Shit.”
Lily took one glance at the sheer and total horror on Miriam’s face, and threw her head back in laughter.
“Oh, Miriam,” Lily gasped, when she had at last managed to catch her breath. “Surely the idea has crossed your mind before. Haven’t you noticed anything’s gone…missing?”
Miriam, her eyes wide and terrified, shook her head violently. “No! I mean, well…yes. But I thought it was stress!”
This sent Lily into another bout of hysterics.
“I need to sit down,” said Miriam in a dreamy sort of voice, and she slid right there onto the floor.
“Miriam,” said Lily, crouching down to where Miriam was slumped. Miriam now stared at Harry as though she had never seen him before. “This is wonderful news! You’re not sick, you’re fine! You’re just pregnant!”
Life suddenly flickered back into Miriam’s eyes.
“Just pregnant? JUST PREGNANT! Merlin’s beard, Lily, don’t you get it?! This is impossible, this is not supposed to happen! Sirius, oh my God, what is Sirius going to think?”
“He’ll think that he’s the luckiest man in the world,” said Lily sincerely.
Miriam thought about it, really thought about it, and found to her complete surprise that she couldn’t argue this.
“This wasn’t part of the plan,” she said meekly instead.
“I know,” said Lily, grinning. “Isn’t it fantastic?”
For a moment, it seemed as though Miriam had been stunned speechless. And then she said again, “Shit.”
Lily kissed both of Miriam’s cheeks, then leaned back at beamed at her.
“Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.” Miriam nodded vaguely. Smiling widely, Lily pushed to her feet. “You should get yourself over to St. Mungo’s just to get everything checked out. I’d go with you, but James should be back soon and if we’re not there…well. Everything’s going to be fine, don’t you worry about a single thing. Oh, Miriam!”
Lily threw another arm around Miriam and held her close for a minute. “Everything is going to be fine.”
Miriam found she could not speak. Instead, she stared at Harry. Harry stared back at her, and burped.
A few hours later as Miriam waited to check out of St. Mungo’s, she could be very sure of two things: One, that she was in fact, very pregnant. Two, that a human being could not feel more than she was right now without imploding; it was just impossible.
All within the time frame of an hour, Miriam had felt inexplicable joy, mind-numbing fear, had been dumbfounded, cheerful, teary, anxious…scared. A wave of dizziness washed over her again, and Miriam gritted her teeth against it.
She should have known that Sirius’s child would not be particularly complacent.
And yet, strangely, she found herself smile, then grin, the burst out into laughter. Despite it all, beneath everything else- the nausea, the fear - was a deeper, almost painful ache that Miriam could only describe as…happiness.
She walked out of St. Mungo’s with a bounce in her step, a smile still plastered onto her face. Sirius would still be gone, and not wanting to return just yet to an empty house, Miriam wandered around aimlessly for a bit, allowing herself to entertain fantastic images in her head.
She saw herself telling Sirius the news and watched in her minds eye as he swept her off her feet, laughing joyously, kissing her, happier than perhaps she had ever seen him before. She fast-forwarded to months later, when she and Sirius stood over a tiny crib, tucking in their child for bed, saw Sirius giving him or her piggy back rides, saw herself and Lily pushing their children in strollers along Hongsmeade…
They would be a family, thought Miriam.
Unable to resist, Miriam gave a twirl as she walked. Despite everything, despite Lord Voldemort and the war, despite the fear and terror, Miriam had the glorious feeling that the next few months would be some of the best of her entire life.
The sun had begun to set, and the sky had turned into a majestic palate of violets, pinks, and gold. Miriam found herself walking in the direction of Godrick’s Hollow, the muggle village where Lily and James had made their new home since Voldemort. She would go there, Miriam determined, until it was time for Sirius to come home. And then she would tell him and they would celebrate and…
A woman Miriam did not recognize nearly walked straight into her, knocking Miriam back into reality. The woman did not say a word, but kept striding forward, ignoring Miriam completely. Miriam rubbed her arm where the woman had collided with her and kept walking. But she noticed suddenly that there was a mass of people coming towards her, some nearly running, but all going in the opposite direction as Miriam.
Miriam stopped and looked around. There were shouts now, and the expressions Miriam could catch before they dashed away from her were of perfect horror. She felt the hairs stand up at the back of her neck, and a shiver creep up her spine. There was a scream. Miriam felt as if she were a single fish trying to swim against a fierce tide. Listening hard, she struggled to make out any bit of conversation as people continued to run past her.
“Did you see it?!”
“What’s it mean?”
“Oh, God…”
“…In the sky…”
Miriam was now pushing, fighting against the crowd that was now nearly an impenetrable wall. She could feel the contagious pulse of panic vibrating throughout the air.
“Excuse me,” she panted. Miriam had to get out of there, she had to see… “Excuse me!”
More shouts echoed among the crowd, and Miriam heard the thing she had been dreading.
“…green smoke in the sky!”
Horror unlike anything Miriam had ever before known surged through her being, paralyzing her for just a moment and then, with an animalistic shriek, Miriam pushed herself forward, shoving and squeezing herself through the crowd. She ran. Miriam couldn’t stop, could hardly see where she was going. Fear pushed her forward, even while dread told her to go back. No, she repeated over and over again in her head. No, no, no, no, no, NO!
The sun had set lower now, and the sky had become a murky gray. Tears distorting her vision, Miriam spared a glance toward the sky, and groaned as she caught a misty green glow from just over the horizon. Miriam ran faster, harder now. The scenery around her was nothing more than a blue of houses and trees. The road was now deserted, everyone who lived in the village having fled. Miriam felt her lungs burning, aching with the effort to keep running. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks but did not spare the energy to wipe her eyes. She had to keep running.
This isn’t happening, said a voice in her head. This cannot be happening.
The air had turned cold and brittle, and Miriam’s lungs were now screaming, begging her to stop. Unable to take another step, she staggered to a halt. Doubled over, panting, sobbing, her hands braced on her knees, Miriam looked up at the night sky.
Glowing bright, clearer than even the moon, a colossal green skull shone brilliantly against the black curtain of the sky, as if made of hazy emerald stars. All of the other house and street lights in the village had been eerily extinguished, and the Dark Mark blazed in the darkness, hung directly over a small cottage that Miriam knew all too well.
Miriam moaned and fell to her knees. Without nothing left but sheer determination, Miriam crawled the rest of the distance to James’ and Lily’s house.
Down in the basement of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, Miriam Daniels glanced at her watch. It was time. She looked once more into the bubbling, steaming cauldron and with a deep breath, turned and trekked up the stairs from the basement, up the stairs from the kitchen, and headed towards her bedroom where her pensieve sat.