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Fool Me Once... by Crickette

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Chapter Nine

Miriam had finally reached a rational conclusion.

She had died and gone straight to hell.

It was, as she had convinced herself, the only logical explanation for the sheer, unrelenting misery she had been wallowing in for the past month. Death, she reasoned, would certainly account for the numb, dreamlike state she presently existed in. Nothing felt real anymore. Ironically enough, Miriam had been confident that anything had to be better than the agony she had felt the first week following the breakup. Yet somehow, the hollow emptiness presently consuming her managed to be much, much worse.

This particular morning, Lily had somehow dragged Miriam out of her bed and into the Great Hall, where they now sat, eating breakfast at the Hufflepuff table. At least, Lily ate her breakfast. Miriam, on the other hand, was slumped in her seat, lazily spooning up oatmeal and watching it “plop, plop, plop” back into her bowl.

Finally, Lily snatched the spoon out of Miriam’s grasp, plunged it into the bowl, and held a heaping spoonful out right in front of Miriam’s face.

“Eat,” she demanded. “You’re not a child.”

Obligingly, Miriam swallowed the tasteless glop. She doubted that even the sweetest of cauldron cakes would have any more flavor.

“Miriam,” Lily said, gently. “It’s been almost a month. You have got to get a grip on yourself. And stop pouting. Do you want him to see how unhappy you are?”

Miriam looked up from her bowl of oatmeal, the slightest glimmer of hope in her eyes.

“D’you think he’d notice? Really?”

Lily sighed heavily, and glanced over at the Gryffindor table.

“The bastard,” Miriam grumbled, pouting more than ever. “You’d think he would at least have the decency to look miserable.”

Lily chewed her lip and said nothing. It was true, she had to admit, that Sirius did appear to be getting along just fine. Presently he was talking animatedly to two pretty, fifth year Gryffindor girls. He apparently was saying something funny, because the next moment the two girls were laughing and giggling hysterically. When he spoke they would gaze at him dreamily. Sirius, looking smug as ever, was grinning in his typical devilish manner and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself.

“Miriam, Sirius himself said that all you had to do was…I mean, can’t you just -”

“No,” Miriam said simply. “I can’t.”

After about a minute or so, the jolly threesome picked themselves up and walked, arm-in-arm out of the great hall. As they passed the Hufflepuff table one of the girls began to shriek once more with delighted laughter. Miriam felt a new cloud of gloom form over her head as she recognized the unfairly pretty girl to be Margaret Hanson, one of his many admirers who had sent Sirius a daily bouquet after his run-in with the Whomping Willow.

Naturally, thought Miriam, she was blond. It was like pouring salt on an open wound.

“Now that,” Lily said, scowling, “was completely uncalled for. Could have taken any other route out, just wait till I get back to the common room, I’m going to give him such a piece of my mind he’ll be sorry “”

“It’s not worth it, Lily,” Miriam said glumly, forcing a smile. “Although I appreciate the loyalty. Look, this has just…caught me a little off guard. That’s all. I mean, I knew this was coming. Didn’t I tell myself right from the start that Sirius just wasn’t the committed type?” And that, she thought, just made the pain all the more baffling. “It was just a phase he was going through, something he had to get out of his system.”

Lily looked thoroughly unconvinced.

“Well. From what he said to you that night, it sure didn’t sound like you were just a phase he was glad to be over.”

“No. Maybe not then, but I’m sure he’s glad now. Now he can be himself again, he doesn’t have to worry about someone tying him down, holding him back. He’s not committed to anything…anyone. And neither am I. I have nothing to distract me anymore, so I can focus on what’s really important. We can both move on now with our lives now.”

Miriam leaned back and took a deep breath.

“Wow,” she exhaled. “When you look at it like that, this all seems like it’s really for the best.”

Lily, who was often referred to as the brightest Gryffindor of her year, was not only gifted in reading books.

“Miriam,” she began, looking searchingly into her friend’s eyes. “Do you truly believe that?”

For the first time in a month, Miriam’s eyes were clear and focused and determined.

“I have to.”


“Settle down, everyone, settle down,” said Professor Flitwick in his high-pitched squeaky voice later that day in Charms.

Miriam, dejected as ever, slumped back in a seat towards the rear of the classroom next to Lily, who was not particularly pleased about having to abandon her usual front-row position. Miriam’s studies were certainly suffering due to her depressed state; in fact, she had either been assigned extra homework or practice in nearly every class.

“Now,” Professor Flitwick began, perched on his usual stack of books, “we are going to begin trying to conjure a Patronus charm. Can anyone tell me what the purpose of a Patronus is?”

A boy near the front from Gryffindor raised his hand.

“It’s a shield,” he said. “It protects you from dementors, like the ones they have guarding Azkaban prison.”

“Correct!” squeaked Professor Flitwick. “Ten points to Gryffindor!”

The Hufflepuff’s in the room all looked a bit crestfallen.

“The Patronus acts like a force field consisting of positive energy, guarding you from the dementor. It can only be conjured by a specific incantation, which I will teach you in a moment. Be aware that the Patronus charm is advanced magic, very advanced indeed. Conjuring a Patronus requires intense and absolute concentration on an extremely happy memory.”

At these words, Miriam felt a horrible sinking feeling in her stomach.

“Now,” continued Professor Flitwick, “repeat after me: Expecto Patronum!

Expecto Patronum!

“Very good!” cried Professor Flitwick. “Wands at the ready! Remember, each Patronus is unique to the wizard that conjures it. Now, everybody think of a happy memory. Concentrate, now. And, Expecto Patronum!

A moment later the class had erupted into frustrated shouts and bellows of the incantation. Sirius sat towards the front of the room, sending Margaret Hanson into “oohs” and “aahs” at the silvery smoke he managed to conjure. James, also fairly successful in the exercise, sat next to him, and kept glancing back in Miriam’s direction to see if Lily was watching him. He caught Miriam’s eye once and gave her a reassuring smile. Remus had been absent from all of his classes for the past two days, but Peter Pettigrew, a lumpy boy whom Miriam had never particularly favored, fawned over James and Sirius almost as enthusiastically as Margaret. Miriam, feeling the exercise was pointless, remained in her hunched position and absently blew silvery mist that had drifted over from her classmate’s wands out of her face. Soon she became completely absorbed in her own thoughts, none of them particularly happy.

She had no idea how much time had passed until Professor Flitwick squeakily exclaimed, “Excellent, James! Everyone, look at Mr. Potter over here; he has managed to produce an almost perfect corporeal Patronus! Twenty points to Gryffindor!”

Miriam emerged slowly from her daze and roused herself just in time to see a shadowy, horse-like animal with great antlers prance about before it faded into a silvery mist and disappeared into James’ wand.

Looking rather pleased with himself, he flashed a smug grin over in Miriam and Lily’s direction. Lily rolled her eyes, yet failed to look completely unimpressed.

Now as the class resumed it’s attempts at the charm, Professor Flitwick began roaming the classroom, occasionally offering up tidbits if advice or guidance. Miriam noticed that he was headed in her direction. She quickly straightened her posture, and lifted her wand for the first time all class.

“Expected Patro “no, that’s not right. Expecto Patronum!

She waited. Nothing.

Miriam cleared her throat and concentrated.

EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Exactly two, sad looking sparks of silvery light escaped from Miriam’s wand, floating for a moment or two before blinking out with a pathetic fizzling sound.

“Oh dear,” said Professor Flitwick. “Perhaps a bit of extra practice for homework, Miss Daniels?”


The hospital wing was very quiet that night. Aside from a fourth-year boy from the Ravenclaw Quidditch team who had been knocked off his broom by a well-aimed bludger during practice, thereby earning himself a few broken bones and an overnight stay, Miriam was quite alone.

The moon, full and perfect, had majestically replaced the sun hours ago, yet Miriam was restless. Feeling almost ridiculously antisocial the past few weeks, she had been requesting the night shift from Madam Pompfrey lately, who was only too happy to oblige; it seemed Miriam’s attempts at subtlety regarding her disheartened state were going about as well as her attempts at a Patronus. In all fairness, Miriam really was genuinely curious to discover the shape of her Patronus. However, the fear that it would resemble something like a rather large slug at this stage was certainly contributing to her poor luck with the subject.

So now she sat on the window ledge of the infirmary with the shutters open to let the cool breeze blow against her face and dry the tears that had dripped onto her cheeks during a sudden crying spell. Her breathing had slowed down, and her heartbeat had steadied. Arms wrapped tightly around herself, Miriam stared intensely at the enormous full harvest moon as if the answer to her problems was etched somewhere in the glowing face.

Waves of self-disgust crashed down against her, receding to leave her wallowing in a pool of self-pity. When, she wondered, had she grown so pathetic? The answer, of course, was obvious. Right around the time she had fallen for Sirius Black. Miriam had always silently laughed at her schoolmates who engaged themselves in the melodrama of romance, and was furious that she had allowed herself to walk, eyes wide open, into that trap. She searched her memory and tried to pinpoint the exact moment she had slipped, and was surprised to find that she couldn’t. Apparently, she thought, her pathetic-ness had been a progressive transformation.

But that’s not true! argued a voice in her head. You did not become pathetic when you started dating Sirius. You smiled more. You laughed easier. You only became pathetic when you started feeling sorry for yourself.

Miriam blinked, startled by the dramatic shift in her thoughts. She realized, however, that it was true; she didn’t need Sirius function, to carry out her daily activities, not even to be a great Healer. She had been content with her life before him, so she obviously didn’t need him for happiness. Being with Sirius simply made Miriam feel fuller. Whole, somehow.

And now she was empty again, only it hurt more this time because she knew what it was like to have that void filled. She’d had herself so convinced that she could have let go at any time, it was brutal to realize that she had not been at all prepared to say goodbye. But, she thought, taking a steadying breath, it seemed that was something she would just have to learn to live with.

Miriam closed her eyes and made a promise to herself. No more tears, she resolved. You’ve grieved, and now its time to move on.

Yet she couldn’t help but wish that she’d had the courage to talk to him one last time.

Miriam opened her eyes and let out a startled yelp, nearly falling backwards off the windowsill. Pressing a hand to her racing heart, she leaned forward and peered out the window again, certain her imagination had been playing tricks on her. But it was no trick. Directly below the window where she sat stood a great, black, shaggy dog.

Miriam frowned. The fact was, she had never seen an animal so…ordinary on school grounds before. Not that there was anything ordinary about this dog; it was as black as midnight, and huge, with deathly fangs and yellow, glowing eyes. But it was still a dog, and for Hogwarts, that was considerably ho-hum.

And yet, Miriam felt an ominous shiver race up her spine that had nothing to do with the wind. The dog’s eyes, bright and menacing, were staring fixedly up towards her. Beckoning her, she thought, and then laughed at her foolishness. Dogs don’t beckon, she told herself, and reached forward to close the shutters.

Then he began to howl. Miriam’s heart began to pound painfully fast in her chest, and she found she couldn’t take her eyes away from the creature that was now calling with a haunting cry.

As if satisfied that he had captured her full attention, the dog began to act in the most curious manner. He turned away and began to run in the direction of the school’s entrance. But then he circled back around, paused, and eyes on Miriam, bounded back towards the window. The dog did this again and again, each time running a bit nearer towards the entrance before sprinting back.

Miriam’s brow furrowed, her mind racing. If she didn’t know any better, she would have sworn that the gigantic beast staring anxiously wanted her to follow him! As if reading her mind, the dog barked enthusiastically, jumping up to his hind legs. Feeling ridiculously self-conscious, Miriam checked behind her to make sure that the Ravenclaw boy was still sleeping. She then raised a finger and pointed to herself, sending the dog into a leaping frenzy while he barked and wagged his tail excitedly. Miriam’s jaw fell open and her eyes widened. This was insane. The dog was nearly as tall as she, and looked like he could swallow her in two bites. He was evil looking and mean and if Miriam had an ounce of sanity, she told herself, she would close the window promptly and return to her dormitory.

Miriam sighed, and, accepting the fact that she had indeed gone insane, went to search for her cloak.