Remus could feel his entire body begin to relax when Dumbledore had finished telling them about Harry’s condition. It was the first hopeful sign in so long that he felt his body might collapse with the pure feeling of relief that was flowing through him.
He had to get away from the others, he could feel his eyes begin to spark with unshed tears and didn’t want to break down in front of everyone. Remus was the calm one after all. The person that they could all turn to and he would be the voice of reason. He provided structure to the group, being the dependable role. It had always been that way, in shool, during the first war and now. He got up quickly mumbling something about getting some fresh air, and walked down the corridor quickly, head bowed.
He didn’t hear or see another get up and follow him. He burst through the exit door of the ward that opened out into a small tree-lined garden and kept walking, wanting to get some distance between him and the hospital before breaking down. Walking to the far side of a large oak tree, Remus stopped, leaning his head against its rough, dry bark and began to cry.
She heard him before she saw him. She heard the guttural, anguished cry that seemed to go on and on. She paused, wondering whether she was doing the right thing, but hearing him take shaky breaths at the other side of the tree, she pressed on, her mind made up.
Before he knew it, he felt strong hands on his shoulder forcing him to turn around. He dimly felt annoyed at the person’s timing. There was no way he could pull himself together quickly and mask his tears. He allowed himself to be turned around by those hands that refused to relinquish their grip. Before he could get a good look at her, Tonks pulled him into her arms tightly, letting him bury his face in her shoulder and let his emotions free.
He didn’t know how long he had stood there like that, all he knew was that one set of complex emotions seemed to be replaced with another in quick succession. He felt calmer, his tears had ceased sometime earlier, but he continued to hold Tonks tightly in his arms, relieved for once not to be standing alone, trying to deal with everything alone.
Remus never allowed himself to get too close to anyone. There had been witches who had been attracted to him, his mild and understanding manner had won him many admirers through the years. However, due to his affliction, he had never let anyone get too close, always afraid that sometime in the future his darker side that manifested itself at full moon could turn and hurt any woman who was close to him.
While Dumbledore had tried to get him to see that he didn’t need to cut himself off completely from the option of having a meaningful relationship. Remus had never agreed however, and Dumbledore had eventually given in, knowing that pressing Remus on the subject was just causing him more pain.
And so he found himself here in the arms of Nymphadora Tonks knowing that the feelings he was beginning to harbour for her would soon need to be squashed and destroyed if he were to protect her from his darker side. With other women it had been easy, he had never been anything other than mildly attracted to them. But he found the thoughts of having to distance himself from Nymphdora not only physically but emotionally deeply depressing.
He briefly let his mind entertain the thought that Dumbledore might be right, that maybe he could allow himself to get close to someone for once… but as quickly as the thought occurred, he pushed it away, and slowly began to push Tonks away from him also.
She felt the slight pressure on her arms where he now had his hands and felt his head rise from her shoulder, gently trying to extricate himself from her grip. She raised her eyes to his, quickly trying to judge his thoughts. He didn’t seem to want to meet her gaze, so she had to raise her hand to his face, to force him to look at her. She hadn’t wanted to believe it, but she couldn’t deny what she was seeing in his eyes. He was closing the barriers once again, pushing her away. She could see the concern that lay behind the action. ‘He doesn’t want me to get hurt, but will end up hurting me by pushing me away,’ she thought. She couldn’t let it happen.
“No Remus,” she whispered in protest against his actions and his movements stilled. “Look at me.”
He looked at her unwillingly, knowing that holding his resolve was going to prove harder and harder to hold once he looked into her eyes.
He met her eyes briefly, preparing to break contact almost immediately when she caught him by surprise leaning closer to him suddenly and kissing him.
Lupin was lost in the moment. He found that his normally balanced mind was having difficulty churning out any coherent thoughts. He let the kiss continue, it was pleasant and undemanding, Tonks seemed to realise that she couldn’t push him too far or too fast.
When eventually they parted, Remus held her close, allowing himself the privilege of breathing in her scent and memorising it. He cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes, feeling the stab of sadness when he saw the intensity of feeling that was mirrored there.
He raised his head and kissed Tonks gently on the forehead. Then pulling her hands into his, he looked down at her as he desperately tried to get together the courage to say what he needed to.
She felt huge contentment, standing there with Remus. It felt so right, he knew her so well and could accept all her idiosyncrasies without question. She could be herself around him and knew that he would love her even more for it.
Remus looked into her eyes. He knew he would need to be completely open with her if he ever wanted her to understand. He dreaded the pain he was about to inflict upon her but there was no other way.
“Nymphadora, you are the woman that makes my heart feel glad and light. You make me feel like the man I should have been if circumstances were different, a man that is whole and decent and honourable. But I am not whole Tonks. I never can be. I will always have to suffer through periods where my mind is not my own, nor can I control how I act, or indeed who I hurt. Please, let me finish,” Remus said quietly as Tonks tried to interrupt.
“I have had many years to accept this other side of myself. I have also had many moments in which I have emerged after a full moon, wondering what I did and who I may have hurt. It is a feeling that is intolerable, and so, I take potions to make me safe, I hide myself away under lock and key to keep others safe, and yet these measures may not be fool proof.”
“When I change, I do not know my own strength, my mind becomes cunning in the art of escape and hunting, elements that my human mind knows little of. No one can guarantee that I will not attack, we can only assume I won’t. It is a burden of knowledge that I have lived with all these years, and one that drove me to make an oath to myself a long time ago.”
Tonks was looking at him frantically, trying to get an opening or a lull in the conversation so that she could begin her counter-attack, but there was none. Remus had a determined look in his eyes that she didn’t like. It was a look that brooked no argument and as she looked into his eyes she found all her well-rehearsed answers to what he was saying dissolved into nothingness as the full pain of heartache and rejection came to the fore.
He continued in the same quiet, calm tone, “The oath I made was to protect those that I love. Do not have any doubt Nymphadora that I do love you. Perhaps I love you too much. It sometimes makes me careless with regards to others. It is the fact that I love you that sustains me through everything that we have gone through. It is the fact that I will strive always to protect you from all harm that gives me a reason to get up everyday and keep going. It is the fact that I love you so very much that allows to me to be able to let you go and to turn around and walk away now. Please, don’t cry and don’t think that I am trying to cause you pain, nothing is further from the truth. It would be a lie to try and protect you in this war everyday and not afford you any protection from me.”
“It is a dream Tonks, one that has no future,” Remus finished in a whisper, “when life gets hard, and all looks bleak, at those times I will remember you in my arms and will have the courage to fight on.”
He gently raised her tear-stained face and softly kissed her. “Goodbye Nymphadora,” he whispered as he turned and left.
It was barely a whisper but Lupin heard it all the same, “I love you too Remus.”
He had gone. He didn’t hear her sobs growing louder as she was left feeling bereft. He didn’t feel her utter desolation that comes with love without hope. Had he looked into her eyes at that moment he would have seen it all too clearly. Maybe it would have caused him to change his mind. Maybe it would have led him to take that chance on her and on him. Maybe. But Remus had gone, he had turned and left her alone and desolate. She knew there would be no more discussion, no more persuasion. She had seen it in his face, and knew that to try and change his mind would cause them both even more pain. Tonks slowly pulled herself together, reined in her emotions and hid her heartbreak. Slowly she turned to face the pathway back to the hospital, a desolate and lonely figure.