As the days passed, Harry’s strength returned, both physically and emotionally. He now had the energy to stay awake for longer and longer periods of time, and used this time to chat with his visitors, or if left alone, to sit back and think about everything that had happened. After he had returned to the Dursley’s for the summer, Harry had been too numb and too hurt to think clearly about his future and about what was expected of him. In the fleeting moments in which he had allowed himself to do so, he had not held any dreams for his own future. All he knew he wanted was to have this terrible burden lifted from him. That was his endgame. He didn’t care for a future of his own. If he managed to defeat the Dark Lord, then all he really wanted to do was disappear permanently from public scrutiny. He saw himself returning to a normal Muggle life, leaving his wizarding side behind him.
A Muggle life could provide him with the anonymity that he so craved. He fantasised about having a normal life, a job, a house to finally call his home. That was where Harry’s dreams for his future ended. It was a dream that did not necessarily contain any happiness for Harry. Harry wasn’t looking for happiness. He was looking for peace of mind, and to his sore and grieving mind, to remove himself from the Magical world seemed to be the only way to achieve that goal.
Now on hindsight, sitting in his hospital bed after all his visitors had left for the day, Harry began to realise that he wanted more. He wanted more for him. He felt an ache within him when he thought of all the love that he should have experienced in his life but which was sorely lacking. He should have known the security of the unconditional love of his parents, and if not them, then the love of the guardians entrusted with his care. Both had been sorely lacking in his young life. Harry felt a deep emotional scar from the sheer neglect of his relatives. It was a scar that had finally begun to heal when Sirius had bounded unexpectedly into his life.
Finally Harry had access to an adult who obviously cared about him and would go to any lengths to protect him. More importantly, Sirius was someone Harry could actually trust enough to talk to. Sirius would have been the one that he could have revealed all his fears about the prophecy and have been sure that Sirius would have comforted him in a way that would have instilled belief in Harry that he could achieve this seemingly insurmountable task that had been dropped into his lap.
More than anything else, Sirius had somehow allowed Harry to unfreeze those emotions that let him love another person as he would have done a parent. His emotional scarring had been ripped right open when Sirius had died, it bled and festered on a daily basis ever since, and Harry wondered would he ever feel like a normal person again, capable of loving without the fear of loss.
Harry knew he needed to talk about things. Not necessarily about the prophecy, but about Sirius, and his life that Harry had known so little about. Lupin had seemed to guess that this was on Harry’s mind, and had made himself available to Harry when no one else was around so that Harry would have the opportunity to ask questions should he wish. Lupin could see the questions burning in Harry’s eyes, but knew that to push Harry into talking would possibly do more harm than good, so he patiently waited until Harry himself felt ready to begin the discussion.
He had been sitting quietly by Harry’s side one afternoon quietly reading the Daily Prophet. The others had returned to Grimmauld Place for a few hours rest, allowing Harry and Lupin to spend some time alone. Lupin had noted from the corner of his eye, Harry’s constant fidgeting and regular glances he was throwing at Remus. He was trying to build himself up to say something and Remus knew he needed to wait quietly until Harry managed it.
“Why, Remus. Why didn’t you try to convince him to love again?” The words had burst forth from Harry mid sentence as if the conversation had been going on in his head, but midway through, his mouth had involuntarily sprung into action. Harry seemed almost surprised to hear the words coming from his own mouth.
Remus had looked up sharply on hearing Harry speak. He didn’t need to ask what Harry was talking about. Thoughts of Sirius and his life had been swimming around in Lupin’s head for days now, and he found himself asking the same question at times.
He sighed, slowly folding his newspaper before giving Harry his full attention. “Harry, could you ever see me managing to convince Sirius of anything? He was stubborn and independent and pig-headed and obstinate and the best friend I could ever have asked for,” he finished quietly.
“He pushed me to expect more from myself, never allowing me to sit back and hide because of what I am. He CONSTANTLY berated me for not allowing anyone close, while seeming to be blind to the fact that he was doing the very same thing himself.
“Believe me Harry, I did try to convince him. Darcy’s death occurred about a year before you were born. James and Lily got married soon afterwards. Obviously I wasn’t going to push him while he was still grieving, and we both know that a year isn’t a long time when you are trying to deal with that kind of loss.
“Before I knew it, another year had slipped by, you were now a bouncing baby, and the apple of your godfather’s eye. The war had reached dangerous new levels, and survival, not finding love was the main objective. Of course then Sirius was sent to Azkaban,” Remus sighed rubbing his eyes tiredly.
“Love, it seemed would have to take a backseat for an even longer period of time. When finally Sirius returned to Grimmauld Place, he and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about everything. His feelings on the subject of love had not changed unfortunately. I couldn’t even broach the subject without him tensing up. I tried to make him see, tried to make him understand that he wouldn’t always be on the run. Someday he would have the opportunity to make a life for himself, a normal life, complete with wife and kids. Something that I could never have.”
Harry watched the pain in Lupin’s eyes with sadness realising for the first time just how truly alone Lupin was.
“However, Sirius was unmovable on the point. It was perhaps his greatest weakness. Harry, Sirius was unable to open himself up to the possibility of hurting like that ever again. He should have been able to let someone in, but couldn’t.
“The only one that freely claimed a piece of his heart after Darcy died was you, Harry. I can still picture Sirius holding you when you were a baby, telling you all the plans he had for you… all the scrapes you were likely to get into together,” Remus said, laughing gently.
“I remember just how proud he was of you when he heard from Mundungus about you having founded an illegal Defence against the Dark Arts Group. He sat at the table at Grimmauld Place while Mundungus reported back on the meeting he had overheard between you and the other students in Hogsmeade. He had this immense look of pride on his face. It wasn’t just then, Harry. Every conversation that we had about you, about the simple things like Quidditch and what a great flyer you are. It filled him with pride. He was proud of you and was honoured to call you his Godson. He may never have managed to love another woman, but don’t think that Sirius wasn’t capable of love, Harry, because he loved you. He loved you with all his heart.” Sirius finished quietly, his voice filled with emotion.
Harry smiled through the wall of tears coursing down his face. He understood completely why Sirius had pushed away from love and closed his heart. Slowly Harry began to understand why Remus had told him the story of Sirius and Darcy. The parallels were too obvious to ignore. Harry felt a little panicked, wondering if Remus was going to force him to stay close to Ginny.
Harry roughly dried his tears looking at Remus, “I’m not Sirius. I can see why he did what he did, but I’m not him. I don’t want to not have love in my life Remus, but right now, its just too hard, “ he whispered shaking his head.
“I need to be able to focus on defeating Voldemort. It’s hard enough worrying about all of you to begin with. Right now Remus, I can’t let myself love someone. But unlike Sirius I want to be able to do so when this is all over.”
Remus leaned over, placing his hand on Harry’s shoulder. “You will, Harry. You will have love and happiness and a home to call your own. Everything that life has denied you so far. We are facing into dark times, Harry. More will die, death may come to some of those we know and love, but you will triumph. Light will overcome darkness and you will know the meaning of happiness.”
Harry looked at Remus through his tears, “I don’t know how to ask you this Remus, you have done so much for me already. I was wondering would it be okay to come to you if I have any questions, or…well…. things I need to talk about? It’s just, Sirius, well I could talk to Sirius and now I feel like I have no one. I need someone, an adult to trust to help me through this,” Harry finished in a whisper, his head hanging not daring to meet Lupin’s gaze.
Lupin forced Harry to look at him as he answered, “Harry, I’m honoured that you trust me. Anything you ever need to talk about, I wont be far away.”
Harry smiled weakly. Remus nodded, and said quietly, “I understand your inability to get close to someone at the moment, unfortunately there are more pressing matters that must be brought to a close before your life can really begin. However, be warned, Ginny will not take it lightly. She will not want you to push her away, even though I believe she expects you to do it. Therefore you must be gentle, Harry, and honest. Talk to her, just like you talked to me. Give her the belief of that light that will come at the end of the darkness.”
Harry nodded slowly, wondering once again at Remus’s ability to say just to the right thing, to understand him so well. Then again, Harry realised they weren’t that different in many respects.
“Any what about you Remus? Will you let her in?” Harry asked looking at Lupin shrewdly. Lupin’s eyes widened at the question, but he could see from Harry’s look that denial was pointless. Somehow Harry had managed to discern from his hospital bed what all the others hadn’t even noticed.
Lupin shook his head slowly. “I let her in already, Harry and in those few moments she captured my heart and took it with her when I pushed her away. Some say that the risk would be worth it, they obviously don’t understand what it is like when the ‘risk’ in question is an out-of-control werewolf. She has my heart, Harry. She always will. However she cannot share my life,” Lupin finished quietly, his voice laced with determination.
Harry just shrugged, “Perhaps not now Remus, but maybe when the darkness recedes, you will rethink you decision.”
Remus stood and shrugged on his cloak, he turned and squeezed Harry’s shoulder. “Perhaps,” he whispered almost to himself and he turned to leave the ward.