“Mambo, mambo, mam-bo! Mambo, mambo, mam-bo!” sang the group as they danced around the room. Voldemort led the way, hyped up on his Dr. Pepper addiction, while everyone else followed behind. They had all forgotten why they were there ... but not Regis.
“Alright, get outta here!” he shouted.
Voldemort gave him the thumbs-up and Mambo-ed everyone out of the room.
Regis sighed and sat in his chair. A loud squeak was heard, and he leapt up to find ...
... a werewolf figurine dressed like Ginger Spice.
“What the --” said Regis.
Snape walked casually into the room, picked up the werewolf figurine and sat down, talking to it. “So sorry, sweetheart. Didn’t mean to leave you there all alone. Did you miss me?”
Regis lowered himself back into his chair. “Erm ... excuse me, but who are you?”
“Severus Snape’s the name,” Snape nodded, “and I have a healthy obsession with canine action figures.”
“An addiction with dolls, that’s not healthy.”
“They’re NOT dolls! They’re ACTION FIGURES!” spat Snape.
Regis took a moment to wipe the spit off his face.
Remus Lupin walked into the room then, followed closely by a rather twitchy Ron Weasley. Remus was busy looking at himself in the mirror and rubbing his hands over his body.
“Ooh, ooh yeah,”said Remus, taking a seat next to the toad man.
Ron suddenly shrieked and stomped his foot on the ground in a rather unusual fashion. “DIE, SPIDER, DIE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Regis raised an eyebrow.
Snape pulled out another "figurine." This one was in the form of a black dog. The Potions Master acquired a low, gravely voice to represent the dog, which was dressed like Baby Spice. “I am Cookie Monster! Come from MojoLand! Would you like to pet my scruffy?” He gave the werewolf figurine a high-pitched voice. “Why you horny little bitch!”
“AHHHHH!” yelled Ron. He spotted a tiny spider crawling up the side of his chair. He slammed his boot spastically against the chair, screaming bloody murder.
“Mmm hmm ... you know how to work it, baby,” cooed Remus, waggling his tongue at the mirror.
Regis blinked. “I am officially frightened by everyone.”
Snape yet again pulled out another action figure. This one was in the form of Remus Lupin, and was dressed like Scary Spice.
“Hey, that looks like Godzilla!” commented Ron. “With an afro ... and talent.”
Regis sighed again. “That’s the forty-dollar question: Where’s an ex-Baywatch star when ya need one?”
“I’m better than any Baywatch star, baby!” growled Remus, leaning back in his chair, pulling up his robes, and revealing a six-pack. “Oooh yeah! Eat your heart out, Demi Moore!”
“Does anybody have any Pepto Bismol?” asked Regis, looking around.
[Flashback to the Pepto Bismol commercials]
Random people do a funky dance. "Heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea ... Hey!”
Regis lowered his face into his palm. “Dear God, it’s the Macarena all over again!”
“Is something the matter?” Ginger Spice Werewolf Figurine asked.
“No, everything’s just fine,” replied Regis. He leaned back in his chair and watched the mayhem, thinking: “I should’ve stayed at Wal-Mart. At least they pay overtime for this kind of crap.”
“Chipper little fellow, isn’t he?” Snape asked Baby Spice Black Dog Figurine.
“Why yes,” it replied.
“Mmm,” Remus grunted and struck a pose. “So sexay!”
Ron surveyed the room. “This is like watching Popeye on ice! Is that Woody Woodpecker?”
Regis looked up from his palm, and blinked. “No. It’s just a pecker.”
“Oh. Darn,” said Ron. He brought his hand down hard against the side of Regis’s face. “AHH!! SPIDER!”
Regis fell to the ground, and died.
He lived out his afterlife with Moaning Myrtle in the bathroom. Now you know why she’s called Moaning Myrtle.