Hermione’s thoughts after overhearing an innocent conversation one afternoon.
Conversation:
“So, about Hermione…” began Terry Boot who had been carrying on casual conversation with Harry. “Has she ever dated anyone?”
“No, not that I know of,” responded Harry, “Why?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” continued Terry, “It just seems odd that she hasn’t.”
“Yeah, I guess,” half heartedly answered Harry.
“What about that red-headed bloke?” inquired Terry. “They acted really odd around one another at the Yule Ball a few years ago.”
“Oh that,” laughed Harry, “I think whatever that was is pretty much over now.”
I heard something today that made my heart stop. It feels as if I am drowning. My lungs are gasping for air but I cannot bring my head above the surface.
Oh terrible words that can sting and destroy. But how fork tongued they are. These same words that are destroying little pieces of me moment by moment can also be uplifting and restorative, but not today. Today the words are cold and biting, as is icy water.
My heart is pouring out, trying to rid my soul of the filth that has infiltrated my very being. These candle snuffing words that destroy and tare down all comprehendible outlines of the reverie I have built up in my mind.
How dare them.
Do they not know I have worked years to build up these beautiful, hope filled walls; only to have them dashed and taken from me in an infinitesimal second.
The chill is coming again as I relive those moments over in this cranial mass that is my head. Why did they have to be spoken? I could have gone on living in my perfect, innocent conception of how things were.
How can it be over when it never was? Doesn’t something have to be before it can be no more?
I once read, ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Can you lose something that was never truly yours?
I’ve spent a lifetime dreaming up this ideal. It felt so near to becoming a reality that I had almost began to believe that it was real.
But I was wrong.
Clever me who is always right, was wrong.
My heart is in a million tiny pieces sucking on there last few gasps of air. Oh how I wish you could pick up the pieces, but you are the reason for the pieces, and you never knew.
My heart was yours to break and you will never know.
Oh, there he is, the embodiment of my pain, walking past with those crystal clear eyes eating away at my very existence. Why do you tease me so?
You torment and excite me all at the same time, just like those horrid words. How double-sided everything must be.
Now you pass by and never glance my way.
A little more of me dies each time that you pass me by.
Then I remember the way you used to look at me. It took my breath away. Words cannot begin to describe the way I felt when you held me in that gaze. But now the spark is gone.
I still fill the same for you but your feelings for me have changed. I lost my chance. The moment has come and gone, and I am too late.
I suppose it is my own fault, but do women not want to be pursued. Is that just some sorted dream that I have imagined in my mind. Surely I cannot be the only one who feels this way. No.
I have never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve but I thought you knew how I felt. All you had to do was ask it of me and I would have freely given it to you.
Could you not tell from my stares and the lack of oxygen that surrounds me when you enter the room? Your gorgeous face drew me in and it sill will not let me go.
Let me go.
Tell me you hate me and let me go.
Do not keep me here stuck between hope and despair; for despair is slowly gripping hold of me and destroying all the hope that there ever was.
My heart was yours to break and you will never know.
Why am I such a fool? Am I so simple minded that I cannot move on from this?
I am stronger and braver than this, I can move forward.
But then I fall back again.
There is no forward without you. So I will be forever stuck in this place in time, desperately wishing that you would come and pull me out.
When you agreed to go to your brothers wedding with that other girl, yes it hurt. But with my blinding unfailing hope, I deceived myself into believing that she was a family friend and you were obligated into going with her.
I see now how incredibly wrong I was. It’s not that you were obligated in the least and couldn’t ask me. The fact is that you never wanted to ask me.
Thus the story of my life, I can never have the things that I truly want.
The tears that filled my eyes that day are nothing compared to the ones that I am shedding today.
These are tears of pure grief, for it is as if you have died and I am left here all alone to cope with the pain. Perhaps it would be better if you were dead and I was truly grieving for my loss. But honestly I haven’t lost anything because it was never found to me.
You were all I wanted but now that dream is lost. I suppose that’s why I grieve, for my greatest dream has died and with it my very sole was taken down to the depths of despair never to return.
My heart was yours to break and you will never know.
Now to clear up any questions you may have. Ok, I know this is a little OOC for Hermione to be thinking so deeply on this matter but I needed to write it and get it out of my system. The wedding that was mentioned was Charlie’s. He and a girl he met in Romania were married during the summer between the trio’s 6th and 7th year (for the purpose of this story). Umm…if you have any other questions message me and I’ll be glad to discuss them with you. =)Burrowbrat
i know it's a one-shot but i also know that you're dying to leave a review ;-) let me know if you hate it, if you like it, whatever...all feedback appreciated =)