Minerva McGonagall stood before her class, watching closely as the students huddled over their parchment, quietly working on the difficult essay she had assigned. She had needed the quiet. She had perfected the art of looking stern and intimidating while being, in fact, lost in thought altogether.

She had a lot on her mind. She had been impregnated by a cat and given birth to a litter of rambunctious 'kiddens' she couldn't even properly care for because they were so unruly. They were being looked after by Hagrid at the moment, but they were proving difficult even for him. She also was becoming quite worried about the fate of several missing students, one of which, Hermione Granger, was pregnant and had a potentially fatal brain tumor that could cause her head to explode at any moment. Not to mention, she really didn't trust that new Health teacher, that cross-dressing Professor Persephone.

As she shook her to clear her thoughts several students looked up at the windows. McGonagall turned and saw a large barn owl flying towards the window clutching an envelope in it's talons. She opened the window, wondering what miserably inconsiderate fool had dared send mail to her during one of her classes. The owl swooped in through the window, dropping the envelope into McGonagall's outstretched hand, then perching itself upon the lectern. Wondering why on earth the creature hadn't just flown back out the window, McGonagall frowned at the owl.

"Well? What else do you want? Go away!"McGonagall said. The owl ignored her.

McGonagall opened the envelope, removed the parchment within, and began to read. The class could tell she wasn't pleased by what she was reading as her jaw dropped open slowly as she read.

"A summons?"McGonagall said, turning towards the owl. "What on earth can he hope to accomplish with this?" The owl looked at McGonagall and gave her a soft hoot. She read further down. "No, I will not respond to this! This is ridiculous. Go away! Shoo!" McGonagall flapped her arms at the owl, who, after shuffling on his perch a bit, took the hint and flew off out the window.

In the Gryffindor common room, Harry and Ron sat in a corner discussing what exactly Harry was planning to do about Draco Malfoy's disappearance. Oh, and Hermione's.

"I had an idea of how to figure out where the missing students are going,"Harry said to Ron. "I'm going to stay up every night watching the Marauders Map to see if any student leaves their dormitory in the middle of the night."

"Harry, that's brilliant! But wait, if you're going to be staying up every night, how are you going to stay awake for classes and schoolwork?"Ron wondered.

"Ron, that's not really important right now. Draco is missing!"Harry exclaimed.

"And Hermione. And Neville, and Katie Bell...."Ron muttered.

"Yes, yes, of course, obviously if I find out where Draco is, I'll find out where the others are. You don't understand, Ron, you've never been in love!"Harry said.

"Well, I thought I was in love with Hermione until I discovered she was my sister,"Ron said sadly. "I still don't understand why you're attracted to guys now, Harry, and why out of all of them, you'd fall for your worst enemy."

"You wouldn't understand,"Harry said.

"You know, I always thought Seamus was pretty attractive, I mean, you know, for a guy. And he's in Gryffindor, so that'd be better,"Ron said.

"I'm not going to start up a gay love affair with Seamus just because he's a Gryffindor, you idiot,"Harry said. "I'm going to find out what happened to my beloved Draco or die trying."

"You know, Harry, I don't think that would be very responsible of you, I mean, considering you're suppose to go up against Lord Voldemort. It'd kinda be like letting down the whole wizarding community to die trying to rescue your missing gay lover before you got a chance to get to Voldemort,"Ron said.

"Ron, when did you all of the sudden turn into the practical one?"Harry asked.

"Well, you know, someone has to do it since Hermione's missing. Otherwise, who knows what crazy hijinks we'd get up to."

"You do have a point, Ron,"Harry said, examining the Marauders Map he had opened on the table in front of him. On the map, Harry watched as the last straggling students slowly made their way back to their respective dormitories, and outside the sun dipped below the horizon.

Up in Dumbledore's office, Professor McGonagall swept in through the door rather dramatically, and stood before Dumbledore's desk.

"Professor McGonagall, to what do I owe the honor of your presence this fine evening?"Dumbledore said pleasantly. He seemed in a pretty good mood considering students were disappearing left and right on a nightly basis. He gave Mcgonagall a concerned smile and popped a lemon drop in his mouth.

"I received a summons today. Crookshanks is suing me for custody of our 'children'," Mcgonagall said. Dumbledore pondered this for a moment. Or at least, that's what Mcgonagall assumed. For all she knew he had simply decided to take a few moments to wonder what socks to wear the next day. Finally he spoke.

"Crookshanks is a cat."

"Yes, Albus, I'm aware of that,"McGonagall said impatiently.

"How could he expect to care for several half-cat, half-human creatures that even a half-breed giant can't control properly?"

"Yes, that is exactly what perplexed me about the whole situation. I can't imagine what he hopes to accomplish. He's just doing this to upset me since I broke off our relationship so abruptly, but really, Albus, I am too old and too human to be having an romantic relationship with a cat,"McGonagall said. Dumbledore nodded.

"Well that's quite true. I can't have my professors sleeping with animals, that simply wouldn't do,"Dumbledore said. McGonagall stood there, waiting to see if there would be anything further.

"Well?"she said finally.

"It seems to me that you and Crookshanks should just get together and discuss this like two rational.....um....hmmmm...yes, this is a tricky situation,"Dumbledore muttered.

"What am I to do?"

"I'll just have to accompany to you to the Ministry. Am I correct in assuming that this matter is being brought to the attention of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures?"

"Yes, Albus, they want me to come in tomorrow morning,"McGonagall said.

"Alright, then tomorrow morning we shall go to the Ministry and try to get this resolved, this really has gotten quite out of control....."Dumbledore trailed off, gazing out the window absently.

"Albus, are you alright?"McGonagall asked.

"Oh! Yes, quite. I'll see you in the morning."

The night grew later, and in his cramped corner of the Gryffindor common room, Harry Potter squinted at the Marauders Map, desperate to stay awake. There was almost no one awake and moving at this time, with the exception of Filch, Dumbledore, and a few unnamed kiddens roaming the grounds. Dumbledore seemed to be walking around in a circle in his office over and over. Harry thought this was a little strange, and found his eyes moving back to the dot labeled 'Albus Dumbledore' to see if he had stopped yet. He continued to move in his little circle.

Then, around 1:00am, just as Harry's eyes were starting to grow heavy and close, another dot caught his eye. He jolted awake, scrutinizing the map. A dot had moved from the grounds into the entrance hall, and it was labeled 'Hermione Granger.' As far as he could tell, Hermione was alone, and simply wandering around just inside the front door of the school.

Springing into action, Harry threw his invisibility cloak around his shoulders and hurried out of the common room into the dark corridors of the castle, clutching the map in his fist. He just hoped he'd get all the way down before Hermione disappeared again. He wondered what she was doing, and if she was alright and not kidnapped, why was she not letting someone know she was ok? It didn't make any sense, but Harry was determined to get to her. He ran down staircase after staircase until he finally stepped down into the gloomy dark of the entrance hall.

Quietly, he tried to see through the darkness, and heard soft footsteps. Soon, he saw Hermione. She was turned away from him, and he was about to call out to her when he saw that she was looking at something down on the floor. Crookshanks the cat had appeared around a corner and was moving towards Hermione.

"Kitty, kitty,"Hermione whispered in a strange tone, waggling her fingers in a beckoning motion. Even Crookshanks seemed to think something wasn't quite right, but he continued to slowly advance towards Hermione. "That's right, here kitty...."

Harry noticed Hermione's head was no longer encased in cement, and her skin seemed to glow faintly in the darkness. As Crookshanks came up to her, Harry gasped as Hermione suddenly lunged towards the bushy cat, grabbing it with a claw-like hand, and shoved it towards her mouth. He watched in horror as Hermione bit into Crookshanks furry neck, sucking the blood out of her beloved pet like she was eating a fluffy orange.

"Expelliarmus!"Harry shouted, drawing his wand and pointing it towards Hermione. Hermione was knocked back and Crookshanks fell to the floor. Scrambling like some slithery creature, Hermione slipped across the floor and dashed out the front doors. Harry ran for Crookshanks, scooping him up off the floor. He then raced after the shadow of Hermione. The moon shone down on the grounds of Hogwarts as Harry ran across the grass, searching for any clue as to where Hermione ran off to. There was nothing but darkness.

Harry held Crookshanks up in front of him to inspect him. Crookshanks eyes had a strange, eerie glow to them, and when Crookshanks opened his mouth to meow, Harry saw that he had much larger teeth, two curving fangs. Crookshanks suddenly lunged for Harry's throat and Harry dropped the un-dead hairball to the grass.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry shouted. The spell hit Crookshanks squarely in the tail and he tipped over onto the grass like a stuffed animal. Harry picked up the petrified vampire cat and hurried back to castle.

Dumbledore was making his 300th circle around his office when he was interrupted by Harry's frantic knocking. Dumbledore invited him in as if he hadn't seen him in years.

"Harry! How wonderful to see you again! And you've brought me a dead cat! It's not even my birthday!" Dumbledore beamed like a fool.

"Um, no, sir. I need to talk to you. I think I know what's happened to the missing students," Harry said, a little taken aback by Dumbledore's odd manner.

However, Dumbledore listened as Harry told him his plan to find out where the students were going and about finding Hermione feasting on her own cat.

"So I'm afraid we have a vampire somewhere on the grounds,"Dumbledore said. "At least the students are sort of still alive and well. If we can find them we should be able to help them. As for Crookshanks, this truly is a stroke of luck. Surely he won't be winning custody of his 'children' when he's been turned into a petrified vampire."

Harry had no idea what Dumbledore was talking about, but he sounded hopeful that they'd be able to help the missing students.

"Sir, how do you intend to find the missing students?"Harry asked.

"Dammit, Harry, all the time with the questions! Do you ever shut up?"Dumbledore barked. "Really, let's deal with one problem at a time, I'm not a miracle worker!"

Harry decided this would be a good time to leave. He wasn't sure what was going on with Dumbledore, but he decided he would speak to McGonagall about it the next day.

The next morning Dumbledore and McGonagall arrived at the lobby of the Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore seeming to be in an especially good mood and swinging the petrified Crookshanks around by his tail. He was also loudly greeting every witch and wizard whose name he could remember, and if he couldn't remember their name, he either made one up or called them something rude. McGonagall was somewhat mortified, but imagined this was some strange tactic of Dumbledore's to help further her cause.

"Dawlish, you scruffy-looking pile of Hippogriff droppings, how delightful to see you again!"Dumbledore crowed as they stepped into the elevator. Dawlish's eyes widened and he backed against the wall as Dumbledore stomped in swinging Crookshanks around madly. "This is how we handle malicious felines at Hogwarts! Corrupt my teachers, will you??"

McGonagall smiled nervously at Dawlish and pressed the button for level four. Dumbledore thankfully stopped swinging the cat around once the doors closed, throwing it over his shoulder like a very small sack of potatoes. He grinned at Dawlish and then began humming something to himself.

Mcgonagall was relieved when they finally arrived at the fourth level. Dawlish had been so desperate to get off the elevator he got off on the wrong floor and then waited for the elevator to come back.

"Ah! Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, how nice to see you!"said a short, plump man coming out from behind a desk. "I'm Mulligan Smythe, and I'll be handling your case. I'm afraid Mr. Crookshanks has yet to arrive.....oh, I see....."

Dumbledore held up the stiff cat for Smythe's inspection.

"What happened?"Smythe asked.

"Crookshanks was regrettably turned into a vampire last night and then petrified. He will have to remain this way until we can turn him back into a normal cat,"Dumbledore explained. "So I'm afraid Crookshanks is in no way capable of caring for so much as a radish, let alone his half-human offspring." At this point, McGonagall's spine tingled as she heard a familiar irritating little "Hem, hem." Looking up, she saw Delores Umbridge's simpering smile as she came around a corner.

"Minerva! Albus! How delightful to see you again,"she said pleasantly, moving over towards Mr. Smythe's desk.

"Delores, you ungodly bitch!"Dumbledore said cheerfully, "It is an honor!" Umbridge sputtered like a teakettle for a few moments as she registered what Dumbledore had just said to her.

"I.....Er....excuse me?"

"Out spreading evil this morning?"Dumbledore said, "You always did have a knack for it."

"What are you doing here, Delores?"McGonagall asked, trying to keep Dumbledore from saying anything else. "I didn't realize you had been transferred to the Department of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."

"I haven't,"Umbridge said, adjusting the bow in her hair. "I just saw you two here and thought I'd breeze over and see if I could be of any assistance."

"Delores, if you don't get your crazy little self out of here I will be forced to feed you to the centaurs!"Dumbledore said loudly, attracting the attention of several witches and wizards in the immediate area.

"Please, let's just move on,"Mr. Smythe suggested. "I'm going to postpone our custody hearing until the father has been un-petrified and is no longer a vampire, whenever that may be. In the meantime, custody of the, er, creatures shall go to you, Professor McGonagall."

"Thank you, Mr. Smythe,"McGonagall said, trying to avoid eye contact with Delores Umbridge.

"What's this, then?"Umbridge asked. "Have you had some sort of illicit affair with a cat, Minerva?"

"Go throw yourself out a window, you insufferable old windbag!"Dumbledore suddenly shouted. "How dare you push us around! Don't think that your acts will go unpunished, you putrid excuse for a human being! You almost turned my school into a Nazi concentration camp, but justice prevailed in the end!"

"How dare you speak to me in that manner...."Umbridge began, but Dumbledore had not finished.

"If I ever see you anywhere near us again I will have Hagrid carry you off to the Forbidden Forest, tie you to a tree, and shave your head, you fat ugly toad!" Dumbledore's ranting had attracted even more attention from the others in the office. Several ministry wizards were outright staring open-mouthed as Dumbledore stood up, swinging Crookshanks by his fluffy tail, and gesturing enthusiastically.

"Dumbledore, you have no right to speak to a Ministry official in such a manner!"Umbridge shouted.

"Oh yes? Well, then, I suppose I'll just have to beat you to death with a petrified vampire-cat!" Dumbledore shouted, and began swinging Crookshanks at Umbridge, beating her over the shoulder with the petrified ginger fluff ball. Outraged, Umbridge tried to make a run for it, but Dumbledore chased after her, flagellating her without mercy while everyone in the office looked on in stunned horror.

That evening just after sunset Harry stood before the Forbidden Forest, working up the nerve to go in. He had decided he couldn't stand by while his beloved was part of a coven of student vampires. He was determined to go into the forest and bring Draco back. He wasn't clear on what he would do after that, but that could be decided later. Just as he was about to step into the forest, Harry felt a hand come down on his shoulder. He turned quickly to see Severus Snape looking down at him.

"Professor Snape.....I......" Harry sputtered.

"Mr. Potter, what exactly are you intending to do in the Forbidden Forest?"Snape said. "I believe you are aware that students are not allowed in the forest, but you've never been one to follow the rules...."

"I don't care what you do or say!"Harry suddenly shouted at Snape. "Draco and I are in love, and I'm going into that forest to bring him back!"

Snape was preparing to go into a rage for being yelled at, but then realized what Harry had said and had no idea what to do or say. For probably the first time in his life, Severus Snape was at a complete and utter loss.

"I'm sorry Professor, but I will not be stopped! I can't allow Draco to go living as a vampire without knowing how I feel about him! Oh, and I want to save the others, too. You know, that's me, always saving people....." Harry trailed off, having no idea what was going on in Snape's head. Snape didn't seem to know either.

"I.....I...hmmmm.....Ah, how exactly do you know the missing students have been turned into vampires?"Snape asked, without his usual forceful manner or sneer.

"I found Hermione Granger last night feeding on her pet cat Crookshanks,"Harry said. He decided not to mention Professor Persephone had told him there was a vampire as well.

"Yes, yes.....well.....You and Draco......So that's what you were doing in the dungeons together......"Snape looked mortified as he came to this realization. Harry waited while Snape shook his head to clear it. When he looked up he was himself again. "Potter! I'm sure gay relationships between students is somehow against the school rules! 300 points from Gryffindor! And you have detention for the rest of the year! And....And...." Snape suddenly fell backwards as Neville Longbottom shot out from between the trees and sank his fangs into Snape's throat.

Harry wasn't sure what to do. He certainly didn't like Snape and wasn't sure that he really had a problem with a vampire feeding on him. On the other hand, there was that insatiable urge to save people.....Harry grabbed Neville from behind and threw him back towards the trees, but Snape had already been turned. Now he had two vampires moving towards him hungrily, and he had no idea what to do......

Back in Dumbledore's office, McGonagall and Mulligan Smythe sat side by side next to a cot that had been set up for Dumbledore. Mcgonagall had given him a sleeping draught after the scene he had caused at the Ministry.

"Minerva, I've always had great admiration for Dumbledore, which is why I think I should tell you that Umbridge is planning to go to the school governors about this,"Smythe said quietly.

"About what? What do you mean?"McGonagall asked.

"She's going to petition the governors to declare Dumbledore incompetent due to mental illness, and suggest that they appoint her as Headmistress of Hogwarts."

"You must be joking,"McGongall said. "Dumbledore's just been under a lot of stress lately. Not to mention, I'm the deputy headmistress of the school, if anyone would replace him it would be me."

"If you tried, your little indiscretion with Crookshanks would be mysteriously leaked to the Daily Prophet, I'm afraid,"Smythe said. McGonagall stared at him in horror.

"My god, Smythe, whatever will I do about this? Delores Umbridge will ruin this school!"

"Well, I doubt the school governors are just going to take Umbridge's word for it that Dumbledore is crazy. She'll no doubt bring in witnesses from the Ministry, but I imagine the governors are going to want an evaluation of Dumbledore's mental faculties by a professional. That gives you maybe a few days to figure out what's wrong with him and get him sane again before the governors do their evaluation,"Smythe said.

"You're right. I have to figure this out somehow. I'll fetch Madame Pomfrey first thing in the morning. Delores Umbridge will not get control of this school!"