Hogwarts Grounds--Middle of the night:

“Hold it right there, yeh sneak!" Hagrid bellowed as he approached the black figure crossing the school grounds. Hagrid had his crossbow pointed at him. The shadowy figure raised his hands and slowly turned around.

"Don't shoot," the man said. Hagrid's eyes bulged as he saw the man's face and he almost dropped his crossbow on his foot.

"But yer...yer supposed to dead!" Hagrid exclaimed in shock.

"Well…I'm not, "Sirius Black replied, with a dazed grin. "I would enjoy a cup of tea, though, if you don't mind."

"Err, sure, sure! Come on up to the house, then!" Hagrid said after his voice started working again.

The two men headed back across the grassy grounds to the edge of the forest, where Hagrid had his modest hut. Hagrid opened the door and pushed Fang away from the door to let Sirius in. He then started getting out the tea things while Sirius took off his cloak and sat down in a chair by the fire.

"Err…I was sure yeh were dead. Harry was goin' on abou’ it for a time," Hagrid said as he poured tea into cups. "He said he saw it happen!"

"Oh posh, all I did was fall through a curtain! Since when does that kill a person?" Sirius said mildly, accepting the tea cup from Hagrid.

"Well, uh, yeah, that did, err, sound a bit odd. But yeh knows they've got all sorts of odd things down in the Department of Mysteries," Hagrid said, offering Sirius some suspicious-looking rock cakes.

"There's really not a bit of mystery to it at all! Bellatrix threw a sleeping spell at me that sent me through the curtain, out the other side, and rolling across the room underneath an old tapestry. Then, because of the spell, I've been asleep there until yesterday when it wore off and nobody bothered to look for me!" Sirius explained, declining a cake.

Hagrid looked a bit skeptical of this.

"Hmmm....Well I know Harry'll be glad to see yeh," he said, sitting down with his tea.

"There's the thing, though. Now that I know everyone thinks I'm dead, I think I should just keep letting them think that. You know, stay undercover for the good of the Order. If You-Know-Who thinks I'm dead, there are all sorts of things I could do!" Sirius said.

"Well....I suppose...."Hagrid said slowly.

"But I have to warn Harry. He's in serious trouble!"

"More than usual?" Hagrid asked. Now he was beginning to get worried.

"Yes! I have to be able to keep an eye on him without him finding out I'm alive," Sirius said. "There are dangers he must be warned about.”

"Uh huh. And why is he not suppose to know yer alive, again?" Hagrid asked.

"I suppose I could wear a disguise," Sirius said thoughtfully, ignoring Hagrid's question.

"You could disguise yerself as a professor and see Harry every day," Hagrid suggested thoughtfully.

"Right! Great idea! But professor of what?”

Hagrid mulled this over awhile, as did Sirius.

"I know! You could teach health class! Dumbledore's bin wanting someone ter teach a health class, especially to some of the older students," Hagrid said.

Sirius considered this. He could be close to Harry without giving himself away. He’ll be able to eat in the same room and could roam the halls at night near the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry could be safer.

"I suppose that will work. Now I need to find a disguise…”

The Next Morning--The Hospital Wing:

Hermione awoke to a loud clattering noise and voices.

"Oh, Molly, for heaven's sake, look what you've done now! Pull yourself together!" she heard Arthur say.

"Get away from me, you ruddy bastard!" she heard a voice say that sounded a bit like Molly. She looked over towards the noise, moving her head carefully, and saw Molly had knocked over an entire shelf full of various bottles. Arthur was bending down to try and clean up the mess.

"Oh, Hermione! You're awake," Arthur said cheerfully when he saw her.

"Yes, I am now," Hermione said. Molly stumbled a bit then took a big gulp from a flask she had in her knitting bag. "Are you alright, Mrs. Weasley?"

"She's fine, fine," Arthur said hurriedly, coming over to the bed. "But what about you? We got your letter, I feel just terrible about all this.”

"I'm the one who should feel terrible. It's really all my fault."

"How have you been doing?" asked Arthur, ignoring Hermione little rants.

"Well, my head feels a little odd from time to time. I'm hoping it won't explode, and if it does, I hope it will at least wait until after I have the baby. And then there's all the classes I'm missing…

"Don't worry about your classes right now," Arthur said. "In fact, according to Madame Pomfrey, you shouldn't be worrying about anything at all, or, err, your head might explode..."

"Not worry? You might as well ask me to stop breathing at this point," Hermione said irritably.

"I know how hard this must be, but you must try to remain calm...." Arthur’s soothing words were suddenly interrupted by the doors opening and her parents rushing in.

"Hermione! Oh my heavens...!" Mrs. Granger cried as she hurried over to her daughter. "Your letter...I just don't know what to say..." She looked up at Arthur's grim face as he avoided her gaze.

"Hermione, I just hope you'll be alright," her father said, coming over to her bed.

"Thanks, dad," Hermione said.

"So! Here's the little trollop, then!" Molly suddenly snapped, stumbling towards Mrs. Granger. Mrs. Granger took a startled step back.

"Oh, Molly, really....."Arthur muttered.

"I beg your pardon?" Mrs. Granger said fiercely, glaring at Molly.

"You heard me, you harlot!" exclaimed Molly to Mrs. Granger. Her face was beginning to get red in anger.

"How dare you speak to me like that!"

Hermione's head began to throb.

"I'll speak to you any way I want, you husband-stealing hussy!" Molly barked, giving Mrs. Granger an unsteady shove. Mrs. Granger gasped in shock.

"Molly, it was years ago!" Arthur said loudly. "I think there's more important issues at hand. And really, do you feel we must resort to pushing?"

"Oh yes! Keep changing the subject, then!" Molly bellowed, pulling out her wand. Arthur gasped and dove for her, but Mrs. Granger didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. There was a flash of light and Mrs. Granger suddenly erupted in boils all over her body.

"Oh God! Oh, what have you done, you horrible woman!" Mrs. Granger yelled as boils burst on her face. She dived for Molly, who lunged backward, lost her balance, and fell over. Mr. Granger ran over to stop his wife from attacking Molly.

"Molly, you've attacked a Muggle! What will the Ministry think? I just know there will be a hearing!” Arthur sputtered, staring in shock at his drunken wife.

Everyone suddenly stopped as Hermione let out a blood-chilling scream.

The Great Hall:

Ron and Harry were eating dinner in the Great Hall, neither one of them in an exceptionally good mood.

"I suppose we should go visit Hermione after dinner," Ron said to his plate. "My parents are probably here already."

"You go on ahead, Ron," Harry said distractedly.

"What are you talking about? What are you going to do?" Ron asked, turning to Harry.

"I just have a lot going on right now," Harry said, staring down into his plate.

"More than me and Hermione? Seriously, I don't see how you could possibly be having a worse time than us right now," Ron said glumly.

"I'm sorry, Ron, you're right....I just.....I can't even talk about it," Harry said. Ron looked worried.

"You're not pregnant too, are you?" Ron asked, almost afraid of what Harry might say. To his relief, Harry gave him stunned grin.

"No, Ron, but thank you for asking," Harry said with a smile, but it was soon gone. "Let's just drop it." They ate in silence for a little while, then Ron spoke up again.

"Hey, did you see the announcement in the common room?" Ron asked.

"No, I must have missed it."

"There's a sign-up sheet for a new health class," Ron said.

"Wow, Ron, I can't believe you didn't tell me until now," Harry said, quite sarcastically.

"Well, I'm signing up. You just never know what you might learn in health class," Ron said. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, like how not to impregnate your sister, I imagine," he said rudely before getting up and walking away.

Room of Requirement:

Harry paced up and down the hallway outside the room of requirement, concentrating until the door finally appeared and he entered.

There was Draco, sprawled across a large four-poster bed in the middle of a elegant candlelit bedroom created by the room and Malfoy's imagination. Harry was a little surprised Malfoy had an imagination.

"I hoped you would come," Malfoy said, as he leaned over to the nightstand and poured Harry a glass of mead. "Here, it's Rosemerta's finest.”

Harry walked over to the bed and accepted the glass of wine. He took several large gulps. It had been a difficult week.

"Look, Draco, I don't know how I feel about this quite yet," Harry said, sitting on the end of the bed. But he did. He looked at Malfoy's pale, pointed face, and the way his blond hair hung over his forehead. He was almost mesmerized by the way his dark eyes stared into his.

"Harry, it's okay…" Malfoy said, moving across the bed closer to Harry. That's when Harry heard a nasty little giggle from the door. He turned and saw Moaning Myrtle.

"Well, now, Harry, you don't have much of a defense any more, do you? I'll expect my first payment tomorrow morning!" Myrtle said triumphantly, and with that she swooshed back under the door.

"Damn it, Malfoy! Why didn't you make it so no one could find us?" Harry yelled as he got up from the bed.

"I didn't know anyone would be looking for us!" Malfoy said defensively. "What was she talking about?”

"She's blackmailing me!" Harry confessed. "She'll tell the whole school we're having a scandalous affair unless I pay her regularly.”

"But what does a ghost need money for?" Draco asked, puzzled.

"I don't know, but it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Don't worry, Harry," Draco said smoothly. "We'll get through this together."

Staff Room:

Professor McGonagall sat stiffly in a chair by the fire, looking pale and scared. Professor Sprout sat by her side, patting her hand.

"Oh Pomona, what am I going to do?" McGonagall cried.

"There, there, Minerva, it can't be as bad as all that, can it?" Professor Sprout said gently.

"You don't understand. I'm in trouble, and I can't tell anyone. No one would understand."

"Surely you must be exaggerating," Professor Sprout replied.

"Oh yes, Pomona, I'm known for excessive exaggeration," McGonagall said witheringly.

"Well there's no need to get snippy, Minerva. I'm in no mood after that Venomous Tentacula today."

"I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should tell Dumbledore, then. He always knows what to do."

Professor McGonagall burst into tears. Professor Sprout was unnerved by this display. She hadn't seen Professor McGonagall lose her composure like this before.

"Oh, Pomona, I'm pregnant!" McGonagall shouted angrily. Sprout was floored.

"Pregnant? I'm stunned your even young enough to still get pregnant! I know I went through my time last year, and menopause is a bit-”

"It's worse than that. You wouldn't even believe who the father is…” McGonagall said, starting to weep again.

"Well if it's Snape I say get rid of it, and quick!" Sprout said fiercely.

"It's worse than Severus," McGonagall said severely.

"Who could be as bad as all that except for You-Know-Who....?"

"Okay, well maybe not that bad, but still pretty bad," McGonagall said.

"It's not a student, is it?!" Sprout suddenly gasped.

"What kind of fiend do you take me for Pomona?!" McGonagall cried hysterically. "Oh yes! Me and Neville Longbottom are having a hot passionate rendezvous every night out on the Quidditch Pitch!”

"That is not even funny, Minerva! And I don't know why you're even going on to me about all this if you're not even going to tell me what the hell you're talking about!" Sprout shouted angrily. McGonagall looked a bit startled.

"Oh you're right, Pomona. I'm just upset. You see, the father isn't even human…”

Professor Sprout's eyes widened and her mouth fell open as Professor McGonagall told her about her secret meetings with Crookshanks the cat.

"Minerva, what on earth were you thinking?"

"Believe me, Pomona Sprout, if you'd ever had sex in cat form with another cat you'd know why I did it," McGonagall said.

"My goodness, I should hope I wouldn't! And now you're telling me you're somehow going to have to give birth to kittens?”

"I don't know what I'm going to give birth to! Are they more human, or more cat? Which one should I be when I have whatever they are? How many will I have? I think you can see my dilemma!"

"And how do you know there'll be more than one?" Professor Sprout said. "You might just have one utterly bizarre cat-baby!"

"Oh, you do know how to raise my spirits," McGonagall said in a glum sarcasm.

"I'm sorry, Minerva, and you're right. No one would understand. You need me to be understanding right now.”

"What should I do?"

"Well maybe you should talk to Hagrid," Professor Sprout said.

"Why on earth should I talk to Hagrid? Had a lot of cat-babies recently, has he?" McGonagall snapped.

"No of course not, but he is the Care of Magical Creatures professor, and if anyone would know anything about this, it would probably be him."

"Only if the thing I gave birth to was twenty feet tall and ate people, maybe."

"Don't be so negative!"

"You're right. What else can we do?"

Hospital Wing:

Everyone had calmed down a bit at this point. Mrs. Granger was now in the bed on Hermione's right while Madame Pomfrey treated her boils. Mrs. Weasley was now in the bed on Hermione's left, sleeping off her drunkenness. Mr. Granger, having no idea what he should be doing or saying, had starting leafing through a book on wizard dental procedures he had found in a drawer, while Arthur talked to Hermione and Ron, who had arrived only a few minutes earlier.

"I'm sorry for screaming like that, but I figured I had to do something before you all made my head explode right then and there," Hermione said.

"I understand, Hermione," Arthur said softly.

"Why didn't you tell us we were siblings right off the bat, Dad?" Ron asked curiously.

"Oh Ron, I was ashamed! And I knew your mother would react badly, though I never imagined her reacting quite this badly..." They all looked over at Molly's slumped form as she snored loudly. "Anyway, it's in the past, and what's done is done. We are just going to have to live with whatever happens. I'm so sorry for having put you in danger, Hermione."

"It's not your fault Mr. Weasley," Hermione said sadly.

"Is there any hope?" Arthur asked.

"Madame Pomfrey told me earlier that healers from St. Mungo's are going to be coming to look me over. Maybe they can do something," Hermione said, daring to sound hopeful. Ron went to give her a comforting hug, then remembered she was his sister again and pulled back.

"How are you holding up, Ron?" Hermione asked, seeing his resistance.

"Alright, considering what’s happening right now. I signed up for the new health class they're offering and got Harry to sign up too, though he's been acting odd lately.”

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, looking concerned. Ron suddenly remembered she wasn't supposed to get stressed out.

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing...he must just be worried about you."

"Well then you'd think he might visit more often…" Hermione said sadly.

The Next Day:

Harry ran up and left a bag of gold in Myrtle's bathroom before joining Ron for health class. They entered the classroom and laid eyes on the most bizarre-looking professor they had ever seen...

Professor Sprout led Professor McGonagall across the school grounds towards Hagrid's hut. After hesitating only a moment, Professor McGonagall reached up and knocked loudly on the door...

Myrtle counted out the galleons on the floor of her bathroom, smiling to herself greedily. "Now my plan can begin!" she whispered triumphantly…

In the hospital wing, Arthur was trying to rouse Molly. The Grangers slept on as Hermione twisted in her bed, letting out a groan of discomfort as a small bulge formed on the side of her head...