Olive Newton lived a quiet life in the country with her husband Roger. They were both in their sixties and retired from jobs at the Ministry of Magic. Olive was making tea and was bringing the biscuits into the parlor for Roger when she saw the two men Apparate in her yard. One was short and shabby-looking, the other large and unpleasant.

"You expectin' company, today, dear?" Olive asked as she watched the men approach. Roger was dozing over the plate of biscuits, snoring softly. "Roger! Wake up, ya old fool!"

Roger awoke with a start, looking around groggily.

"What's wrong with yeh, woman?" he grunted.

"Are you expectin' company? There's men coming up the walk," Olive asked him. Roger looked out the parlor window and snorted.

"There probably just collectin' for the poor again or something," Roger said, though he didn't really believe it. There was a loud knocking on the front door. "Yeh better see what they want, then."

Olive hurried to the door and opened it, looking upon the two men. The shorter one smelled quite a little bit, she observed.

"Good morning, missus," the shorter one said, bowing slightly. "We're going to need you to come with us."

"Why?" Olive asked sternly, looking at them over her spectacles fiercely. This seemed to confuse the men for a moment.

"Err, we can't tell ya," the short man said uncomfortably. The other one nodded in agreement.

"I'm not going anywhere with you two unless you tell me what yer up to and that's that!" Olive said, stepping towards them a few steps so they could see the long sturdy cane she clutched in her gnarled hand. The larger man sighed and spoke for the first time.

"I'm sorry, missus, but you don't have a choice. Now we're asking politely for you to come with us," the man said calmly.

"Has this got something to do with the Ministry?" Olive asked.

"Err, yes'm, the Ministry...needs your advice on something..." the shorter man said feebly, looking nervously over at his partner. Olive raised an eyebrow.

"Well I'm not going anywhere without my husband," she said. The two men looked startled.

"Yer husband?" the taller one said in surprise. Olive shuffled back into the house, her cane thumping on the flowery rug on the hall floor.

"Come on, Roger, we have to go up to the Ministry for a spell," Olive called as she hurried into the parlor. Roger awoke once again, confused.

"Why?"

"Hell if I know."

Hogwarts:

Harry and Ron's jaws dropped open as they stared at their new health teacher. The “woman” wore a large old-fashioned blue wig and sequined glasses. Her make-up was thick and garish, and she wore a very bright spotted green scarf, that looked remarkably like Hagrid's handkerchief, around her thick neck. The shapeless brown dress she wore was punctuated by two enormous, protruding breasts, which looked as though two gourds had been shoved down her cleavage. She was obviously a man.

“Bloody hell, Harry, what is that?" Ron whispered as they sat down in their seats. Everyone was staring at the new teacher with a startled expression on their faces.

"Well its not a woman, if that's what you're asking," Harry said. This was another startling reminder of his own confusing questions about his sexuality and it wasn't improving his mood.

"Good morning, class, I'm Professor Persephone, and I'm going to be teaching the new health class," the thing said to the class in a weird, high-pitched voice. The class stared at the professor uneasily. "Now! Who can tell me what a penis is?"

Hagrid's Hut:

"Professor McGonagall! Professor Sprout! Well, come on in! I'll put on some tea," Hagrid said, welcoming the two women into his hut and holding back Fang from drooling all over McGonagall's robes.

"Hagrid, we've come to ask for your help with something," Professor Sprout said as she sat down at the table. "It's very secret and you can't tell anyone. However, we felt that since you are the Care of Magical Creatures Professor you might have some insight into Minerva's problem."

"Bump into a blood-suckin' bugbear, did she?" Hagrid asked, noticing McGonagall’s pale, worried face.

"No, Hagrid, I didn't," she said coldly. "I've been impregnated by a cat."

This proclamation was followed by a rather awkward silence as Hagrid tried to wrap his brain around that little conundrum.

"Err, how's that again?" Hagrid said. McGonagall sighed irritably.

"I...I had an affair with Crookshanks the cat while I was in cat form, you know I'm an Animagus, and now I’m pregnant. I don't know what I'm going to give birth to or how I'm going to give birth or what I'm going to do."

"Hmm...That’s a problem, all right," Hagrid said miserably. He was regretting ever answering the door. "I've never heard o' such a thing."

"Well, Pomona, I knew this was a mistake," McGonagall said, rising from her chair, flushed with embarrassment.

"Alright, just sit back down a minute," Hagrid said, resigning himself to his fate. "Here's what I think you should do. None of us know what you're going to give birth to and there's no way we're going to find out. So there's nothing to do but go on about yer business for now. When you start feelin' like yer going into labor, come on over here and we'll get it taken care of."

"Oh but really, shouldn't she be taken to St. Mungo's ?" Professor Sprout said nervously.

"Absolutely not!" McGonagall barked. "The whole school will find out! Thank you for your help Hagrid. I'll see you again soon."

Hospital Wing:

"Oh dear, yes it looks like you're bulging," Madame Pomfrey said as she examined Hermione's head. Hermione gasped. "Well maybe it will be alright. It doesn't necessarily mean your head's about to explode."

"What else could it mean? There's a storm coming?" Hermione snapped.

"Well that's probably not the case, but you never know. Dedalus Diggle's nose always bulged out when a storm was brewing," Madame Pomfrey said inanely.

"Where did everyone go?" Hermione asked, looking around the empty wing.

"Oh, I sent them to Hogsmeade. I thought they might be upsetting you too much," Madame Pomfrey replied.

Hermione was secretly grateful.

Much Later at Hogwarts:

"Alright, class, I want two feet of parchment on the signs and symptoms of gonorrhea, due tomorrow," Professor Persephone crowed as the class filed out of the room feeling uncomfortably dirty.

"I forgot to thank you for roping me into this," Harry said to Ron as they hurried out into the corridor.

"Right. I don't know what I was thinking," Ron said miserably. Ron headed for the staircase up to the Gryffindor common room. "You coming, Harry?"

"You go on ahead, Ron, I forgot my...uh..." Ron waited patiently while Harry desperately tried to think of something. "Err...my...Potions book! Yeah, I left my potions book back in the library, so I'll, err, just meet you up there later."

"Sure, Harry," Ron said, and he stomped up towards the common room. Harry felt a bit guilty about deceiving Ron, but Draco had told him to meet him in the dungeons and the very thought of seeing Draco again made Harry feel all hot and bothered. He hurried to a secret passage behind a portrait of an ugly witch trying to make a goat drink an unpleasant-looking potion. He followed the dim stone passageway down a curving staircase and emerged behind a suit of armor near the entrance to the dungeons.

Harry had only been down in the dungeons for potions class and had never wandered around down there. Draco had told him to meet him in the old storage room just past the old torture chamber, but Harry wasn't entirely sure where that was. He had stupidly left the marauder's map in his trunk next to his bed and so had nothing to consult as he followed the stairs into the dark, torch-lit dungeons. It was cold and musty down in the dungeons, and Harry heard a faint noise echoing down the hallway. The noise grew louder as he followed the passageway deeper into the dungeons until he realized it was the sound of an old woman weakly calling for help. He followed the sound of the voice into the old torture chamber.

Harry pushed open the heavy wooden door of the chamber and looked into the torch-lit gloom.

"Oh thank heavens, you dear boy, you must get us out of here," called the voice. Harry spotted an old woman and a snoring old man inside a large cage hanging from the ceiling. She was clutching her brown sweater over her skinny shoulders and banging her cane on the bars of the cage.

"Who are you? What are you doing down here?" Harry asked.

"My husband Roger and I have apparently been kidnapped by ruffians and locked in this cage. I don't know why, but these damp and cold dungeons are makin' my arthritis act up," the old woman said. Harry heard footsteps behind him and Draco walked into the room.

"The old torture chamber? I didn't realize you were so kinky, Potter, but if you insist..." Draco trailed off when he saw the old folks in the cage. "What the hell?"

"Someone's trapped this woman and her husband in this cage," Harry said. "Can you see a way to get them out?”

“We could try casting Alohomora," Draco said. He raised his wand to cast the spell, but suddenly stopped as Moaning Myrtle suddenly burst out of the stone wall.

"Put your wand down, please!" Myrtle snapped. "Harry Potter, you are certainly a thorn in my side this year."

“Myrtle, what are you up to?" Harry asked. "Is this what you wanted money for?"

"Yes, Harry, I needed the money to hire the thugs to kidnap this woman, although I was surprised to see she had a husband," Myrtle said irritably. "At last I can have my revenge!"

"Your revenge? Against who? This old woman and her feeble husband?" Harry asked.

"Oh, so you haven't introduced yourselves yet, I take it? Harry, Draco, I'd like you to meet my arch-nemesis, Olive Hornby! Although now she most likely has a different last name. The Ministry stepped in when I tried to haunt her shortly after my death, but now I've got her in my clutches! HAHAHA! MAKE FUN OF MY GLASSES WILL YOU?"

"Oh for heaven's sake, Myrtle, I'm an old woman! That was when we were children! If you weren't dead I'd say you've lost your mind!" Olive cackled from her cage.

“OH THAT'S RIGHT! POOR CRAZY MOANING MYRTLE! STILL CRAZY EVEN THOUGH SHE'S DEAD!" Myrtle shrieked angrily.

"What do you hope to accomplish, you dreadful little dead girl?" Olive hissed. "I've already got one foot in the grave, I'll probably die of pneumonia down in these damp dungeons. And what did Roger ever do to you?"

Myrtle ignored Olive and turned towards Harry and Draco angrily.

"As for you two, if you tell anyone what's going on down here, the whole school will know about your secret homo love affair!”

"Well we haven't actually had the opportunity yet, as we keep getting interrupted..."Draco said sulkily.

"SO WHAT? I can spread all kinds of lies about the two of you. You two just forget you were ever inside this dungeon, or I'll ruin your reputations and have Mundungus throw you in the cage with the old coots!" Myrtle barked.

"Come on, Draco," Harry said, leading Draco out of the chamber. The old woman in the cage gripped the bars with her arthritic hands; her eyes filling with tears as she watched her only chance of escape walk out the door. Myrtle smiled an evil smile as she turned back to Olive, sipping in her pain and reveling in it.