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NARRATOR: We begin our story in the Gryffindor common room. Snow is falling softly, the Christmas decorations are out, and Ronald Weasley is wondering how his mother manages to make the exact same sweater every single year.
RON: I’m serious, Harry! It’s the same bloody sweater as last year!
HARRY: Oh, don’t be stupid Ron…it’s slightly bigger…
RON: *Groan*
HARRY: *Opens a present* Hey! It’s some sort of book! It’s called…“A Very Harry Christmas”…looks like there are a bunch of Christmas stories!
RON: Well go on, read it!
HARRY: Okay…
*CUT TO: Hogwarts with snow falling on it*
NARRATOR:
The story that you are about to be told,
Took place in the Hogwarts world of old.
I suppose you’ve wondered where stupid thoughts come from
If not, I think it’s time you’ve begun.
*CUT TO: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE in the common room*
HARRY: I just don’t get this “Christmas” thing. I mean, what’s it really for?
HERMIONE: It’s to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
RON: *Stares at Hermione* Did you discover religion?
HERMIONE: No “ I’m not allowed, being a universal book character. Some people might be offended by whatever religion we are.
HARRY: But…since we celebrate Christmas-
HERMIONE: You heard me.
RON: You know what would be fun?
HARRY: For me to once get a legitimate present from the Dursleys?
RON: No, of course not. I think that WE should take over Christmas for Hogwarts this year!
HERMIONE: Ron, we can’t do that. That’s Santa’s job!
RON: Pshaw. Santa’s not real.
HARRY: Ron, we live in a magical world with pixies, imps, gnomes, witches, wizards, dragons, unicorns…
HERMIONE: Yes he is.
RON: No he’s not.
HARRY:…and manticores and grindylows and hippogriffs and basilisks and…
HERMIONE: Yes he is. Here, I’ll show you. *Takes out her wand*
RON: What’re you going to do? Take us to the North Pole?
HARRY: *Continues to rattle off every creature in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them*
HERMIONE: That’s precisely what I’m going to do. *Waves her wand*
*CUT TO: North Pole, Santa’s workshop*
HARRY:…and last but not least, Blast-Ended Skrewts. Hey, where are we?
RON: Bloody hell! The North Pole! Hey! Wait a minute…didn’t we just apparate out of Hogwarts??
HERMIONE: Yeah, so?
RON: But you constantly lecture us about how people can’t apparate in and out of Hogwarts!...
HERMIONE: We’re the main characters of the story. We can do whatever we want.
RON: Cool! Then I’m going to go steal Santa Claus so I can take over Christmas!! *Runs up to the door and traps Santa in a large nylon bag*
HERMIONE: *Gawks at RON*
HARRY: *Starts to eat snow*
HERMIONE: Oh all right! But don’t get us caught up in all of this taking over Christmas nonsense!
RON: I won’t! Don’t worry!
HERMIONE: *Apparates the three of them home*
*CUT TO: Gryffindor common room “ RON is making a list and checking it twice.*
HARRY: *Eating a lollipop* Whatcha doin’?
RON: I’m deciding who in Hogwarts gets presents.
HARRY: Oooh! Do I get presents? Do I???
RON: Of course you do. Now bugger off.
HARRY: *Leaves while wondering just how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop*
HERMIONE: *Enters* Honestly, Ron! This is a bad idea!
RON: Nonsense! All I need now is a way for me to get around Hogwarts. Could you help me?
HERMIONE: Well it’d go against all of my ethical beliefs, but sure, why not? I’ve wanted to try out a spell that will conjure a Flightmare.
RON: What’s a Flightmare?
HERMIONE: A Flightmare is a horse that can fly.
RON: COOOOL! I want a flying horsey!!
HERMIONE: Ok. *Waves her wand at the ground and says* Flightus Marioso!
FLIGHTMARE: *Appears in a puff of smoke*
RON: Golly! That sure is a swell Flightmare! Thanks bunches Hermione!
HERMIONE: Don’t mention it. Ever.
*CUT TO: Christmas Eve. RON is gathering all of his presents and is about to take off on his FLIGHTMARE.*
HARRY: Have fun Ron! Be sure to bring back a souvenir!
RON: *Boards the FLIGHTMARE with his sack of presents* Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!!
HERMIONE: He’s taking this to the extreme, isn’t he.
HARRY: Aw, let him enjoy it. It’s not every day you steal Santa Claus and take over a Holiday for a whole school using only half a brain, a bag of presents and a flying horse.
HERMIONE: *Sigh*…I know the feeling.
*CUT TO: RON, flying through the school dropping off presents. As soon as he leaves, little DENNIS Creevy wakes up to see what Santa left him.*
DENNIS: Oh boy! Santa came!! *Opens his gift, but to his dismay, finds:* A sweater??? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!
NARRATOR: Little did Ron know that although he thought his presents of Weasley sweaters would bring joy to everyone, they were actually bringing much horror and itchiness. Professor Dumbledore was alerted of the situation and had to take immediate action.
DUMBLEDORE: *After hearing about RON* Hey! Only one guy is allowed to do a Santa impersonation! And that’s ME! Why else would I waste so many years growing a beard??
NARRATOR: The angry Dumbledore found Ron and his Flightmare over the Quidditch field.
DUMBLEDORE: How dare they! This’ll show them! *Fires his wand* BOMBARDUM!
FLIGHTMARE: *Explodes*
RON: *Falls*
DUMBLEDORE: Ha! *Returns to his bed for a long winter’s nap*
RON: Aaiiiiieee!
NARRATOR: Ron fell and fell, and since he was very high up, he had time to think about the errors of his ways.
RON: I was a fool to think that I could take over a holiday! I should’ve left things to Santa! I’ve ruined Christmas! *Bawls*
GROUND: *Is coming very close*
NARRATOR: Fortunately, the thick layer of snow that all of the teachers had refused to shovel saved Ron from being killed by the fall. Although now he was very cold.
RON: I…I’m alive!! Woohoo! I’ve got to go get Santa so he can set things right!
*CUT TO: RON, going to the common room and opening the nylon bag. SANTA gets out of it, very disgruntled.*
RON: Sorry Mister Claus…I shouldn’t have done what I did.
SANTA: You are very right, Ron. And as your punishment, you must get a Weasley sweater for your Christmas presents for the rest of your time at Hogwarts.
RON: Meh. I already do anyways.
NARRATOR: And so, that concludes our story. But this incident taught Ron a very good lesson.
RON: Which would be?...
NARRATOR: Uh…not to screw around with other people’s holidays because they’ll get really P.O.ed at you?
RON: That’ll work.
NARRATOR: And let that be a lesson to the rest of you. So the next time you think the Easter Bunny’s not doing his job, or that Groundhog needs someone else to check if there’s gonna be more winter for him, you’re wrong. Bloody wrong.
RON: One last thing. We never DID learn where stupid thoughts come from.
NARRATOR: Uh…that was part of the whole story. Your head. Now shut up. This story's over.