NOTE: Some very very mild slash in this story because I am making fun of it. Please don't kill me.
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HARRY: Woah. How did a story about my PARENTS get in here?!?
RON: I have no idea. But let’s keep reading.
HARRY: Fine, fine …
NARRATOR: This story involves a bunch of misunderstandings and a weird little elf. It all starts a few days before Christmas, when Dobby the house elf was cleaning the Gryffindor common room.
DOBBY: Dobby is going to make this room shine for Harry Potter, he is! Dobby loves his job!
*ENTER: HARRY*
HARRY: Hi, Dobby.
DOBBY: Harry Potter! Such an honor it is!
HARRY: *Sigh* Are you going to say that EVERY time we meet?
DOBBY: Yes sir! Dobby has a high respect for his trademark sayings!
HARRY: *Mutters something about incompetent house elves and goes to the dorm room*
DOBBY: Harry Potter sure seems upset! I wonder if I can help him somehow!
*CUT TO: HARRY in the dorm*
HARRY: Man, my life sucks. Today I lost 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 house points, flunked three of my classes, battled Voldemort and got twenty-six students killed, and worst of all, Snape spat on me in Potions!
*ENTER: DOBBY, watching HARRY in secret*
DOBBY: Poor Harry Potter!
HARRY: Sometimes I wish … I wish I was never born!
DOBBY: Hey! Dobby can help with that! With a mere snap of Dobby’s fingers!
DOBBY’S FINGERS: *Snaps merely*
HARRY: Huh? Dobby? *POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!*
*CUT TO: HARRY outside Hogwarts in the snow*
HARRY: What th- … did Dobby teleport me outside?! I’m gonna kill that friggin’ elf! *Goes inside Hogwarts to report this to DUMBLEDORE*
*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE’s study*
DUMBLEDORE: Oooh! My stocks in Enron are up! Up! UP! I KNEW it was a good idea to spend all of Hogwarts’ funds on this company!
*ENTER: HARRY*
DUMBLEDORE: Hey?! Who are you? How’d you get in here?
HARRY: Huh????? What do you mean Professor? It’s me! Harry! The important one!
DUMBLEDORE: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
HARRY: Come on Dumbledore! It’s me! Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! The Boy Who Defeated You-Know-Who! The Boy Who Has Earned J.K. Rowling Millions Of Dollars!
DUMBLEDORE: WHAT? Voldemort is still here, you idiot! This place gets attacked three times a day! And I am getting sick of this! If only there were some prodigal son who was predicted to come and save us …
HARRY: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Now get out of my office, you weird kid who bears a striking resemblance to James Potter! Except for your eyes. You have Lily’s eyes.
HARRY: *Leaves, dumbfounded. Only then does he realize that he is wearing clothes that are just plain gray -- no Hogwarts robes or anything. And his glasses are gone* What’s going on?!? I’ve gotta find Ron and Hermione! *Goes to the Gryffindor common room*
*CUT TO: RON in the Gryffindor common room*
*ENTER: HARRY*
RON: Hey! Who are you?
HARRY: Ron, it’s me! Harry!
RON: Harry who?
HARRY: Ah, forget it! Where’s Hermione??
RON: Hermione? Hermione who?
HARRY: Hermione GRANGER!
RON: Hey … yeah, I remember her … annoying little know-it-all … she died in our first year, when You-Know-Who did his annual attack, killing every Muggle-born in the school.
HARRY: What?? She’s dead?
RON: Yeah. Doesn’t matter, though. She was such an annoying bookworm! *Eats a carrot*
HARRY: Where did you get that?
RON: What?
HARRY: That carrot.
RON: What carrot?
HARRY: The one you’re eating right now.
RON: I’m not eating a carrot.
HARRY: Yes you are, you’re chewing on it as we speak!
RON: No I’m not.
HARRY: I give up! *Leaves*
RON: *Finishes carrot* How’d you get in here?
*CUT TO: DOBBY wandering the streets of Hogsmeade. Everything is dark and depressing*
DOBBY: Hmmm … Dobby thinks granting that wish for Harry Potter was a bad idea … The Dark Lord is alive, he is. And Dobby will sure be treated unfairly! Why did George Lucas have to stereotype Jar-Jar Binks like that!? WHY!?!?! *Notices a shop sign* Ooo! A sale on socks!
*CUT TO: HARRY, trudging through Hogsmeade. He is not getting his usual stares, and realizes that he does not have a scar anymore*
HARRY: Hey! I know who did all this! Dobby! He must’ve heard me talking about how I wish I had never been bored, and cast a spell! And since he’s so powerful, it literally affected the whole universe! *Pause* Wow! It takes most people the whole story to figure out that kind of stuff! I must be getting smarter! *Runs into a post*
POST: *Has a sign on it*
HARRY: Wha? What’s this say?
SIGN: If you have spotted any Muggle-borns around here, please LET US KNOW!
HARRY: This is horrible! What good could be in this type of world?! *Suddenly has another brain thought* Wait a minute … if I wasn’t born … then Voldemort would have no reason to kill my parents! They might be alive! Well, except mom. Oh well.
*ENTER: DOBBY, carrying about 523,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 socks.
DOBBY: Harry Potter! There you are!
HARRY: Huh? You recognize me?
DOBBY: Yes! Dobby was not affected by Harry Potter’s wish!
HARRY: Awesome!
DOBBY: Yes!
HARRY: Okay! Change it back! But first, take me to Gordic’s Hollow!
DOBBY: Why?
HARRY: Mainly to stall for time and add more word count to this story, but also so that I can meet my dad!
DOBBY: But … he will not recognize you sir!
HARRY: Who cares?
DOBBY: Very well sir. *Crack! Gone*
*CUT TO: Gordic’s Hollow. HARRY and DOBBY appear*
HARRY: Woot! I’m about to meet my dad!
DOBBY: But he is not your dad in this world, sir!
HARRY: Why is it that you’re suddenly starting to act all serious?
DOBBY: Dobby is not sure, sir! He thinks it has something to do with the author’s authoring power.
HARRY: Meh. Whatever. *Goes inside*
AUTHOR: Warning: The following material contains a parody of “slash” fics. If you, for some reason, do not like to read about slash stories getting made fun of, please skip down. I mean no disrespect to anyone in the following passage. Thank you for your time … and attention.
HARRY: Hey! Da- … James! James, where are you! *Hears something from upstairs. Goes upstairs to find … *
JAMES: *Holding hands with Lupin and reading the funnies and giggling*
HARRY: OH my GOD!
JAMES: Huh? Who are you!?
HARRY: WHAT TH- … You’re GAY?
JAMES: Oh, stop. *Flicks wrist* We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.
HARRY: But-but …
LUPIN: *Giggle* Come on Jamsey, let’s go to our room.
JAMES: Oh, you tease! *Leaves with LUPIN*
HARRY: *In shock*
DOBBY: *Disturbed*
AUTHOR: *Fortunately did not put JAMES and LUPIN kissing* The content is over. You may uncontort your faces now.
HARRY: *Leaves* Why is my dad … yeah.
DOBBY: Dobby is not sure sir, but he thinks it be best to return you to normal now.
HARRY: Yes. Yes it is.
DOBBY: *Snaps his fingers*
*CUT TO: HARRY and DOBBY back in the Gryffindor common room. Harry has his robes, glasses and scar back*
HARRY: You did it! Great job, Dobby! *Hugs DOBBY*
DOBBY: Uh … normally Dobby would greatly accept this token of gratitude from Harry Potter, but based on what Dobby just saw, he is afraid to.
HARRY: *Groan*
DOBBY: *Leaves slowly to not get noticed*
HARRY: That was annoying. I’m never going to wish that I wasn’t born ever again!
HERMIONE: That’s the spirit, Harry!
HARRY: *Spins around and sees HERMIONE* Hermione! You're alive! Where’d you come from?
HERMIONE: *Eats popcorn* Of course I'm alive! It's not like Voldemort killed me in my first year! Oh, and I usually sit here during most of my free time, to see who’ll pop in to the Gryffindor common room like that. So far it’s been … *checks a list* … you, Ron, Voldemort, the Weasley twins (two times), a possessed teddy bear and … something else. I can’t remember.
HARRY: I … see.
HERMIONE: Well, that’s the end of this Christmas story, everyone. Although it didn’t have much to do with Christmas.
HARRY: Pfft. They’ll think it’s funny anyway.
HERMIONE: Yeah. They think EVERYTHING’s funny.
HARRY: Gotta love those fanfic readers.