NOTE: I do not mean any disrespect to anyone in this story. I just put down what first came to my head, and I apologize if some of my comments involving religion insult anyone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HARRY: I don’t really have much to say to start this one off.
RON: Me neither.
HARRY: Meh.
RON: OK, let’s read.
HARRY: This story is …
NARRATOR: Hermione Granger has just been assigned the task of putting together a Christmas play.
HERMIONE: I’ve just been assigned the task of putting together a Christmas play! Why me??!?!?!?!!?!?!?
NARRATOR: Because you’re the smart one.
HERMIONE: *Sigh* The sacrifices one makes for intelligence.
*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE addressing the Great Hall*
DUMBLEDORE: If you are interested in participating in the school’s Christmas pageant, please see Ms. Hermione Granger. You may now return to your eating of … stuff.
RON: So, what’s this play about?
HERMIONE: Well, these kids are putting together a play about Jesus’s birth, and just as it is about to be ruined, Santa arrives in a spaceship and all of the kids go with Santa to the moon and be blissfully, blissfully happy for the rest of their days.
RON: COOL! Can I be the spaceship?
HARRY: No! I get to be the spaceship!
HERMIONE: No one is going to be the spaceship.
RON: Aww … can I be a stage curtain?
HERMIONE: NO!
*CUT TO: HERMIONE in the common room tired and trying to figure out stuff*
HERMIONE: OK, I’ve got all the cast members, now all I need are props, lights, backgrounds, rehearsal times, costumes and … an auditorium.
*ENTER: HARRY*
HARRY: Whatcha doin’?
HERMIONE: I’m trying to figure out how to put this whole thing together.
HARRY: Oh! You’re doing a jigsaw puzzle? I hate those! Especially the two-piece ones.
HERMIONE: *Stares at HARRY*
HARRY: What? They’re HARD!!
*ENTER: RON in a shepherd outfit*
RON: Hey guys! How do I look?
HERMIONE: Like a shepherd.
RON: Shepherd?? I thought this was Michael Jackson! *Leaves moonwalking*
HARRY: Hey ‘Mione?
HERMIONE: Yes, Harry?
HARRY: Why are we doing this play? It has religious characters in it, and--
HERMIONE: Harry, I already explained this to you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the first story. *Opens up her “A Very Harry Christmas” Script and runs her line down the page* See? Right here.
HARRY: *Gets his script out too* But … all you say is, “You heard me.”
HERMIONE: And I’m saying it again. You heard me.
HARRY: But … but … but …
HERMIONE: Stop talking about someone’s butt, Harry. That’s vulgar.
*ENTER: RON*
RON: *Wearing a wise man outfit* How about this? Is THIS Michael Jackson?
HARRY: Yeah. The satin really shows it.
HERMIONE: BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BLOODY CRUCIO YOU!
RON: *Squeals with fear and runs off like a little sissy girl*
HARRY: HERMIONE! You scared him! Now he’s gonna have bad dreams.
HERMIONE: Oops.
*CUT TO: HERMIONE in the newly added Hogwarts Auditorium*
HARRY: HERMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEE! I CAN’T FIND THE JUICE AND COOKIES I BROUGHT FOR THE CAST!
HERMIONE: For heaven’s sake Harry, they’re right in your hands!
HARRY: *Looks down and sees them* Oh. Thanks!
HERMIONE: Why is it that in practically every humor fanfic I’M the one getting stuck being responsible for the other two? Why oh why can’t I be the stupid one for once?!
RON: HERMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEE! I’M STUCK IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT!
HERMIONE: *Groan*
*CUT TO: The night of the performance*
NARRATOR: *To HERMIONE* So, we haven’t seen any of your practices. How would you say the play is?
HERMIONE: It sucks. Every single student in this school has become incompetent and stupid.
NARRATOR: I uh, think that’s what the author was going for.
HERMIONE: WHAT? Why would he do that to me?! I’m his favorite character!
NARRATOR: Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just work here.
HERMIONE: Stupid Narrator … Good-for-nothing bum …
DUMBLEDORE: Hi, everyone!
EVERYONE: Hi, Professor Dumbledore!
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to our very first Hogwarts Christmas Play! It’ll be tons of fun!
SLYTHERINS: BOO! THIS SUCKS!
DUMBLEDORE: Y’know, I’ve had it with you Slytherins. Go to the bloody Durmstrang school! GET OUT! I HATE YOU ALL!
SLYTHERINS: *Leave with shocked faces*
DUMBLEDORE: GOD, that felt good. Now, on with the show!
CURTAIN: *Opens. Onstage is GINNY dressed as a servant and HARRY dressed as a king*
GINNY: My lord, news from Bethlehem.
HARRY: Kinky.
GINNY: Apparently there’s some new baby who’s supposed to overrule you.
HARRY: What? No one overrules King Bob! I mean, King Herod! We must dispose of him!
HERMIONE: *Backstage* Oh god … *Facepalm*
GINNY: Yes master. *Leaves stage*
HARRY: Already my evil plans are being set in motion! Bwahahahahaha!
HERMIONE: Hey! That’s not in the script!
*CUT TO: Near the end of the play. HARRY, NEVILLE and CHO Chang are onstage*
CHO: This play is going to be a disaster!
HARRY: I know! The part of king seemed so cool, but now that I’ve learned about the horrible government system they ran, I don’t want to be one!
NEVILLE: And I-- … *Checks his lines* Keep forgetting my knives! ... I mean *Checks lines again* lines!
ENTER: *A Gimungous Spaceship. Out of it steps RON dressed as Santa*
RON: HU HU HU!
HARRY: *Whispers* Ron! It’s Ho ho ho! Not Hu hu hu!
RON: I mean, HO HO HO! What seems to be the problem kids!
CHO: Our play is kaput!
NEVILLE: We can’t do it without any help!
HARRY: What they said!
RON: Don’t worry kids! I can help! Come with me in my spaceship! We’ll go to Planet Santa in the Ford Galaxy (adjacent to the Milky Way), and be blissfully, blissfully happy until the end of our days!
CHO: YAAY!
HARRY: YAAY!
NEVILLE: *Checks his lines* … YAAY!
RON: Let’s go!
CHO: *Climbs in spaceship*
NEVILLE: *Climbs in spaceship*
HARRY: AND GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE! *Climbs in spaceship*
CURTAIN: *Closes*
EVERYONE: *Applauds*
DUMBLEDORE: *Comes on stage* That was wonderful everyone! Unfortunately, everyone that was in the play is getting sued two million dollars each for infringing on copyright laws and having a certain religion in a book!
HARRY: Aww man!
HERMIONE: Don’t worry! We can steal the money from our movie counterparts!
RON: Of course! Rupert has loads of money! And he just wastes it on putting all of that electrical fencing around his house so that the crazed girl fans *Glares at any of you Female Rupert Lovers reading this story* can’t get into his house!
HERMIONE: Excellent! Let’s go!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, thank you all for coming to this wonderful performance. We would like to wish you a very Happy Christmas, the exits are to the left and right of the auditorium, and refreshments will be served in the lobby. Good night.
GINNY: Hey professor! Your beard’s on fire!
DUMBLEDORE: Huh? *Notices his beard is getting fried by one of the stage lights* SON OF A--
EVERY STUDENT: *Gawks in shock at Dumbledore*
DUMBLEDORE: I mean … whoops! Clumsy me! *Runs out*