AUTHOR'S NOTE: I just wanted to thank everyone for reading and for the great reviews I got from this. It helped keep me writing up until I was wrung out of ideas. I didn't want to stop writing this, but I think the time has finally come. Twelve is a good number to stop at in this situation, don't you think?
And who knows? Maybe another Harry Potter play like this will surface. Only time will tell.
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HARRY: Ron, I think we’ve come to the end of the book! *Audience gasps*
RON: No! Say it ain’t so!
HARRY: It is!
RON: Darn!
HARRY: Looks like the author finally ran out of ideas…
RON: Oh well. What’s the story?
HARRY: It’s called...
NARRATOR: Welcome to the final story! This one’s supposedly extra special since it’s last!
*ENTER: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE in the Gryffindor common room*
NARRATOR: There hadn’t been snow all year at Hogwarts, and now it was Christmas Eve. Ron was particularly upset about this, since he wasn’t going to get any of those snow cones he liked to make.
RON: I’m particularly upset about this!
HERMIONE: Oh?
RON: Yeah! Why hasn’t it snowed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
HARRY: *Counts how many exclamation points and question marks RON used*
HERMIONE: You must be upset.
HARRY: I’ll say! 25 each! He must really like snow!
HERMIONE: *Stares*
RON: WE’VE GOTTA GET SNOW! *Bawl*
HERMIONE: We’ve gotta do something Harry! Christmas at Hogwarts just isn’t the same without snow!
HARRY: Well who says I WANT snow? Last time it snowed all of the school’s snowy owls disappeared for three weeks!
HERMIONE: Well that was because all of the harsh winds knocked them out and the snow made them blend in. And MOST of them recovered from the pneumonia…c’mon Harry! Snow is fun!
RON: *Continues to sob*
HARRY: Oh all right! We’ll go talk to Dumbledore about this!
*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE’s office. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are talking to DUMBLEDORE*
HARRY: Professor, do you know why there hasn’t been any snow?
DUMBLEDORE: Yep!
HERMIONE: Why?
DUMBLEDORE: Stupid girl, you of all people should know!
HERMIONE: Huh?
DUMBLEDORE: You know that little muggle myth about the “magical snow fairies that bring create each snowflake and make them fall?”
HERMIONE: I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that-
DUMBLEDORE: HA! SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU KNOW! They EXIST!
HERMIONE: …
HARRY: COOL!
RON: But why hasn’t the snow been falling?
DUMBLEDORE: Elementary, my dear Weasley; the snow must not be falling because-
HERMIONE: *Interrupts* Of course! Something awful must’ve happened to them!
DUMBLEDORE: SHUT UP! GOD! I can understand why Snape hates you so much! What I was GOING to say was that they must be on their vacation!
HERMIONE: I knew that.
RON: Hey! Why don’t WE turn on the snow!
HERMIONE: I don’t know. It could be dangerous…
HARRY: Oh please Hermione “ you’ve been wrong twice today.
HERMIONE: Which means?
HARRY: Logically, it translates into the fact that you’re always wrong!
HERMIONE: BLOODY HELL! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! *Storms out and goes off to join the cast of the next “Lord of the Rings” movie*
*CUT TO: HARRY and RON in the magical snow factory. It is indeed empty*
HARRY: How hard can this be? All we have to do is turn on the snow, and we’ll have a happy Christmas!
RON: Hey, why do we always say Happy Christmas when the Americans say Merry?
HARRY: I dunno!
RON: Sure is weird.
HARRY: Well, Americans are crazy.
RON: True.
HARRY: *Sees a big red button* Hey! I bet this’ll turn on the snow!
RON: It says “Press for Blizzard.” Do we want to Press for Blizzard?
HARRY: Yeah! We need tons of snow!
RON: *Presses for Blizzard* Okay! Let’s go home!
HARRY: I love doing community service!
*CUT TO: Hogwarts in a blizzard. HARRY and RON are in the common room, looking out the window excitedly*
HARRY: This is great! We’ll have plenty of snow for the holidays!
RON: Hey Harry! Wanna open the present I got you?
HARRY: Sure! *Opens it. It is a copy of William Hung’s Christmas CD*
RON: Well? Do you like it?
HARRY: *Screams silently*
RON: Well???
HARRY: WILLIAM HUNG? RON! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE USING DARK MAGIC INSIDE THE CASTLE!
RON: Dark magic?
HARRY: Of course! Listening to even ONE of William Hung’s songs, you can go crazy! Millions of innocent muggles have fallen under his power!
RON: That’s horrible! But I spent lots of money on that CD!
HARRY: You were gypped. Oh well. I suppose I can always use this CD as a coaster. *Puts glass of eggnog on top of William Hung CD*
RON: *Opens HARRY’s present to him* It’s…a sack of potatoes.
HARRY: Do you like it?
RON: A sack of potatoes.
HARRY: Well???
RON: I DON’T NEED A BLOODY SACK OF BLOODY POTATOES! I HAVE ENOUGH BLOODY VEGETABLES GROWING ON MY BLOODY FARM AT MY BLOODY HOUSE! AND YOU BLOODY GO AND GET ME EVEN MORE INSTEAD OF GETTING ME SOME BLOODY SHEETS OR SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY BLOODY NEED! BLOODY!
HARRY: So you like it?
RON: I love it! Thanks pal!
HARRY: I wonder how the snow fall is coming along! *Looks out window* Uh…Ron? We have a problem!
RON: *Looks out window. The snow has gone past the common room windows* Uh oh.
*CUT TO: Outside. You can see that the snow has almost covered the WHOLE FLIPPIN’ CASTLE!!!*
RON: We are in trouble.
HARRY: Yep.
*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE in his office, practicing his French*
DUMBLEDORE: Sens-je mal ? Je pense ainsi!
*ENTER: HARRY and RON*
DUMBLEDORE: Ah! Harry and Ron! Voulez manger un petit cochon!
RON: What?
DUMBLEDORE: Didn’t I say “Very nice to see you!”
HARRY: Uh, no. That’d be “très agréable de vous voir.”
DUMBLEDORE: Oh. So what can I do for ya?
RON: Well, uh, we seem to have buried Hogwarts in snow.
DUMBLEDORE: *Mutters under his breath* Vous idiots stupides! Vous ruinez cette école! Vous deux serez la mort de moi!
HARRY: Pardon?
DUMBLEDORE: I said, uh…that’s unfortunate!
RON: Yeah! Can you help us?
DUMBLEDORE: If I must. *Waves his wand, but all that happens is a boink sound* Oh dear! My wand is broked! Looks like you’ll have to get Hermione’s help!
HARRY: Of course! Hermione can fix this!
RON: Thanks professor!
DUMBLEDORE: Good luck! Mangez s'il vous plaît mon chapeau!
HARRY: …
RON: …
HARRY: I think you mean “Au revoir pour maintenant”.
DUMBLEDORE: Darn.
HARRY: *As he and RON leave* Der arme Professor! Er kann nicht eine verschiedene Sprache sprechen!
RON: Wir sind in vielen Sprachen, hauptsächlich weil J.K. Rowling hat uns in so vielen Ländern veröffentlichen lassen!
*CUT TO: HERMIONE on the set of the next LOTR movie. In run RON and HARRY*
HERMIONE: Harry? Ron? What are you guys doing here?
HARRY: Hermionehermionehermioneyougottahelpusrongotthebrightideatomakeitsnowalloverhogwartsandthenhecauseablizzardtostartandnowhogwartsisburiedinsnow!
RON: Heythatsnothowithappenedshutupharryharrywastheonewhopushedthebuttoninthefirstplaceitsallhisfault!
HERMIONE: … Oh all right. I’ll help you.
RON: Yay!
HARRY: Let’s go!
*CUT TO: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE on HARRY’s broom, hovering near Hogwarts. Only the tallest towers are visible now, and the snow is still falling. The trio is holding on to the broom tightly because of all the cold and wind*
HERMIONE: What did you guys DO!?!?
RON: We just pushed a button!
HARRY: Can you do anything Hermione?
HERMIONE: …yes. But it will be very dangerous.
HARRY: Okay. Do it.
HERMIONE: Aren’t you concerned about my safety???
HARRY: *Looks at RON*
RON: *Looks at HARRY*
HERMIONE: *Eye roll*
HARRY: Can you give us time to think about this?
HERMIONE: I’ll just do it!
HARRY: That’s the spirit!
NARRATOR: And so, risking her own life to save everyone else’s, Hermione bravely set her plan in motion.
HERMIONE: *Stands up on the broom and points her wand at herself* Adeo ardere arsi! *Jumps off the broom*
HARRY: WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING??
HERMIONE: *Is surrounded by a giant fire ball. As she falls, the fireball becomes bigger, causing the snow to melt*
RON: HERMIONE! NOOOOOOOO! I LOVE YOU!
HARRY: Where did THAT come from?
RON: Well, there hadn’t been any “Ron/Hermione Ships” in the other stories, so I though I’d throw one in for good measure.
HARRY: Ah. Continue.
RON: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON’T DO IT! TAKE ME INSTEAD! *Sob*
HERMIONE: *Acts quickly* Effugio! *Suddenly flies away, not getting melted with the rest of the extra snow*
THE SNOW: *Melts to a perfect snow level that won’t trap anyone*
RON: YAY!
HARRY: YAY ALSO!
HERMIONE: *Flies up to land on HARRY’s broom* So do you think I’m stupid NOW?
HARRY: Oh no! You’re just a bossy, know-it-all, frizzy haired girl.
HERMIONE: That’s better. Now let’s go celebrate!
RON: Woot!
NARRATOR: And so, Hermione saved the day, like she always does. Harry and Ron learned an important lesson “ never push big red buttons. And it was the best Hogwarts Christmas ever.
HARRY: *Closes the book* Well, that was a good book. We’ll have to let Hermione read it sometime.
RON: Yeah. Hey! Look how late it is! We’re going to miss the feast! *Leaves along with HARRY*
NARRATOR: And thus, our Christmas stories come to their ends. Thank you for coming. Now go home and make your OWN Christmas memories.
Happy Holidays.
*Stage becomes dark. Curtain closes.*