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HARRY: That story was weird.
RON: Yeah! I’m not THAT stupid…who wrote this??
NARRATOR: Ron discovered that the mysterious book had no author. Harry, however, insisted on continuing to read.
HARRY: This next story’s called…
*CUT TO: Olde London. A very surly looking DRACO Malfoy is going into his counting house.*
DRACO: *Enters and sees his employee, RON Weasley, trying to warm himself by the small fire in the building.* Weasley! What the bloody hell are you doing??
RON: Uh…j-just trying to get warm, sir!
DRACO: Well don’t use my heat! I have to pay for that, y’know!
RON: With all due respect sir…couldn’t you just conjure a fire to keep warm with?
DRACO: Couldn’t YOU?
RON: W-well…I would…but you made me sell you my wand since I had all of those sick days.
DRACO: Ah yes. Well, if you ever manage to make those six days up, I’ll let you buy it back.
RON: But sir…I work every day of the year! How would I find the time-
DRACO: Get a bloody time turner, you idiot!
RON: But you took my time turner too!
DRACO:…just shut up.
RON: Yes sir…*Goes back to his accounting-ness*
*ENTER: COLIN Creevy with a wreath*
COLIN: Merry Christmas every one!
DRACO: My good for nothing cousin. What in god’s name are YOU doing here?
COLIN: Well…I uh, just wanted to ask to see if you wanted to come to my Christmas party tomorrow…
DRACO: You KNOW I hate all that stuff, like “love” and “kindness” and “good hygiene”! Be gone with you!
COLIN: Fine “ but you can’t stop me from wishing you a Merry Christmas!! *Scrambles out the door, leaving the wreath behind.*
DRACO: *Goes back to his counting galleons.*
*ENTER: HERMIONE Granger, wearing shabby clothes and holding a small tin cup.*
HERMIONE: Pardon the intrusion sir, but I was wondering if you would like to make a donation to the poor?
DRACO: Oh? And who would these poor folk be?
HERMIONE: House-elves, sir. They need shelter, socks, and hats. Perhaps you could give a donation to help them have a Happy Christmas?
DRACO: You want a donation?? *Grabs the wreath COLIN left behind and slams it onto HERMIONE’s head.* How’s THAT for a donation?!?
HERMIONE: *Leaves sobbing*
DRACO: That’ll show the bloody collection agencies.
*A clock chimes somewhere*
DRACO: *Checks his watch* Six already. Hmmm…I suppose you can go Weasley.
RON: *Hops off his stool and grabs his coat* Thank you sir! And Happy Christmas!
DRACO: Shove it!
RON: *Exits*
*Time passes. Draco finally leaves around nine o’clock*
DRACO: *Arrives at his house and is about to go in, when all of a sudden…*
DOORKNOCKER: *Turns into the face of Lucius* Draaaaaaaaaco…
DRACO: Huh??
DOORKNOCKER: DRAAAAAAACO!!!
DRACO: Bloody thing’s possessed again. *Draco slams open the door, causing the DOORKNOCKER to get slammed against the wall*
DOORKNOCKER: Ow!!!
DRACO: *Ignores the DOORKNOB’s cry of pain and proceeds to go upstairs* As he’s eating his gruel, which is actually quite good, a strange apparition comes through his door. It is LUCIUS Malfoy, DRACO’s father, and he is a ghost, covered in chains and piggy banks.*
LUCIUS: DRAAAACO!!!
DRACO: Daddy??
LUCIUS: Yes. I’ve come to-
DRACO: Oh daddy! I’ve missed you so much! How’ve you been?
LUCIUS: Fine. Now, I’ve come-
DRACO: Did you see I took over the family business like I wanted you to?
LUCIUS: YES. Now pay atten-
DRACO: And I’ve kept the house in good shape too!
LUCIUS: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRAT!
DRACO: *Shuts up*
LUCIUS: Now, I’ve come to warn you. See these chains on me? They represent all of the sins I committed when I was your age.
DRACO: Cool!
LUCIUS: Not cool. If you follow the same path as me, you will wind up with these chains for all eternity. You will be visited by three spirits tonight. Follow their advice. That’s an order!
DRACO: Yes daddy…
LUCIUS: You have been warned…farewell!...*Vanishes*
DRACO: *Rubs his eyes in disbelief* Too much butterbeer. *Eventually falls asleep*
TIME: *Passes*
ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off. It is one in the morning.*
DRACO: *Groggily* What th-…*Professor FLITWICK is standing next to his bed, all transparent and ghosty*
FLITWICK: *Is transparent and ghosty* Come on you lazy oaf, get up.
DRACO: Wh…who are you?
FLITWICK: I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past. Now come on, time’s a wastin’! *DRACO and FLITWICK are suddenly pulled out the window, and are flying over London*
DRACO: Where’re we going?
FLITWICK: Your past. We have to see exactly where you went bad.
*CUT TO: FLITWICK and DRACO landing in front of a house. DRACO looks through the window and sees himself as a tyke.*
DRACO: Awwww…wasn’t I cute??
FLITWICK: I’ll give you that, but your personality wasn’t. Watch.
LIL’ DRACO: MOMMY! I want more presents! Where are my presents?! *NARCISSIA Malfoy picks DRACO up to talk to him.*
NARCISSIA: Well…you would have more presents, but since you caused us to spend all of our money on these, our income, as well as our retirement fund and your college money, have been spent.
LIL’ DRACO: But I want MORE!
FLITWICK: *Pulls out a remote and pauses the scene.* About right HERE was where you went bad. *Pushes ‘Play’*
LIL’ DRACO: *Starts bawling and yelling that his parents hate him*
DRACO: I was so cute!
FLITWICK: But also very evil.
DRACO: So? Girls dig cute and evil!
FLITWICK: *Sigh* You’re hopeless.
*In a poof of magic, DRACO is back in his bed and it is 1:02 A.M. FLITWICK has vanished*
DRACO: That was weird. *Falls asleep instantly*
TIME: *Passes again*
ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off at 2 o’clock A.M.
DRACO: *Wakes up this time to see Professor DUMBLEDORE surrounded by food from the traditional Great Hall feast* What’re YOU doing here?
DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my boy…*Eats grape* I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.
DRACO: Why is there a Ghost of Christmas Present?
DUMBLEDORE: Alas, I am not sure. Even though you could very well go see what is happening right now on your own, I believe that I am merely a way for transportation.
DRACO: I see.
DUMBLEDORE: So let’s get a move on…I believe we’re going to visit an employee of yours.
DRACO: *Runs through the list of all one of his employees but can not think of who it is*
DUMBLEDORE: You idiot “ Ronald Weasley.
DRACO: OH!...I knew that.
*CUT TO: DRACO and DUMBLEDORE appearing in front of RON’s house*
DRACO: *Peeks in window. He sees Ron and his family sitting down for dinner.
MRS. WEASLEY: Hold on, everyone! We must wait for Tiny Ginny.
DRACO: Tiny Ginny?
DUMBLEDORE: She has a crippling illness that has plagued her her whole life.
DRACO: No, I mean…Tiny Ginny? That’s a horrible name!!! *Laughs at the fact that there is no word for “little” that starts with a G*
MR. WEASLEY: Is there anyone any of us would like to thank before starting this meal?
DRACO: Meal? Please. That’s barely half an owl.
DUMBLEDORE: Maybe if you paid Ronald more at work, he could afford to feed his family more.
RON: I’d like to thank Mr. Malfoy.
FRED and GEORGE: What??
RON: Well, since none of you can work for some reason, I’m the only one who brings in the salary, and if it weren’t for him we wouldn’t have this food.
TINY GINNY: I agree. A toast to Mr. Malfoy!
THE OTHERS: *Aren’t too happy about it but they toast anyways.*
DRACO: Wow…they’re toasting me? I’m honored!
DUMBLEDORE: I’m shocked.
DRACO: Can we go home now? It’s freezing out here.
DUMBLEDORE: Very well. But I see an empty chair where Tiny Ginny once sat…
DRACO: Yeah. That’s because she just got up to go to the bathroom.
*CUT TO: DRACO in his bed. The time is now 2:08 A.M. No one else is in the room.*
DRACO: *Sees the clock* This is gonna be a long night… *Falls asleep*
TIME: *Passes yet again*
ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off at around 3 in the mornin’*
DRACO: *Wakes up* Y’know…I am really getting sick of thi-*Sees final ghost*
*The last ghost, wearing a hood and cloak, is none other than Professor SNAPE. SNAPE glares menacingly at him, but doesn’t say anything.*
DRACO: Wh-who are you?
SNAPE: Think about it.
DRACO: Are you the…Ghost of Bad Fashion?
SNAPE: No you stupid boy. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. *SNAPE grabs DRACO’s arm and they vanish.
*CUT TO: A graveyard*
SNAPE: *Appears*
DRACO: *Appears*
SNAPE: Look over there. *Points to a grave over yonder*
DRACO: It’s Weasley…but what is he doing? Who died?
SNAPE: Tiny Ginny. She passed away because her family did not have enough money to pay for the procedure to save her life.
DRACO: Wow. Sucks for them.
SNAPE: Shut up.
RON: *Lays Ginny’s crutches on the tiny yet very sentimental gravestone. A TEAR falls down his eye*
TEAR: *Lands on the ground*
DRACO: Wow, he looks upset. Okay, are we done here?
SNAPE: No. Come with me. *Leads Draco to two gravediggers digging an “anonymous” grave. The gravediggers are CRABBE and GOYLE*
CRABBE: I can’t believe the old bat finally passed away.
GOYLE: Yeah, he sure was a pain.
CRABBE: Like, totally.
GOYLE: Omigod, I know!
CRABBE: Hey, remember when we went to school with this guy?
GOYLE: Yeah, we followed that blond and greasy haired git everywhere.
DRACO: *Wonders who they are talking about*
CRABBE: *Yawns* This is boring. Let’s get food.
GOYLE: Okay. *Leaves along with CRABBE*
DRACO: Spirit…whose lonely grave is this?
SNAPE: It’s yours, you twit.
DRACO: Rats.
SNAPE: Because of your life of solitude, you made no friends and everything you own was sold on that muggle internet site, eBay.
DRACO: No! This cannot be! I have loads of friends!
SNAPE: Ha.
DRACO: Well, look who’s talking.
SNAPE:……Touché.
DRACO: *Pause* So now what?
SNAPE: Well, *Checks the script*…I think I’m supposed to push you into this grave, which opens into a fiery portal to hell, and you scream “I can change, please!”
DRACO: I don’t like this story.
SNAPE: *Pushes DRACO into GRAVE*
GRAVE: *Opens into a fiery portal to hell*
DRACO: AAAAH! Nooo! I can change, please!
SNAPE: *Evil Laugh*
DRACO: Nooo! Noooo! Noooooooooo…
*CUT TO: DRACO in his bedroom, suddenly waking up*
DRACO: Huh??? I’m alive! *Does a happy dance* But the spirits had a point! I must change my selfish selfish ways, or I could end up in a fiery pit to hell or in a bunch of chains and piggy banks! I can give to the house elves! I can go to Colin’s Christmas party! I can..........ahhhh…screw that. I’ll get someone else to do it.
NARRATOR: Thus ends our tale of Draco Malfoy, the selfish brat who never amounted to anything in life.