~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HARRY: *Stares at RON*
RON: *Stares at HARRY*
HARRY: *Finally breaks uncomfortable silence caused by the thought that Snape could turn out to be a good caring person* So….shall we read the next story?
RON: Sure. This one’s called…
NARRATOR: This tale begins at Hagrid’s hut, where he is spending his first Christmas away from his lil’ brother, Grawp.
HAGRID: *Drinking some sort of hot beverage while crying* I jus’ miss him so much! *Bawls* Why’d he ‘ave to go away?? WHY???
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE: *Enter*
HAGRID: Oh, hello all…
RON: Sup Hagrid?
HAGRID: Oh…I was just thinking about Grawpy…
HERMIONE: Hagrid, you’ve got to forget about that……brother…of yours. He’s happy now, and you should be happy that HE’s happy!
HAGRID: Oh, I am…but I can’t stop thinkin’ about ‘em!
HARRY: Maybe you should do something to take your mind off of him. Build a snowman!
HAGRID: Hey! That’s a great idea! I’ll build a giant snowman, in honor of Grawpy!
HERMIONE: Uh…I don’t think-
HARRY: *Stupidly* Can I help???
RON: *Who has been looking down the barrels of Hagrid’s assorted (and loaded) crossbows and guns* Ooo! Can I help too?
HERMIONE: Dear god. I am NOT going to be a part of this *Goes to therapy*
HAGRID: C’mon! We gotta start while the snow ‘ere’s still fresh!
NARRATOR: And so, Harry, Ron and Hagrid built a snowman version of Grawp. It took some time, but when it was finished, what a sight it was!
SNOWMAN: *Is a sight*
HAGRID: Isn’t she a ‘beaut! It’s identical to the original Grawp!
RON: Sweet.
HARRY: You know what would be AWESOME??? If this snowman were to somehow “magically” come to life!
RON: *Sighs* But…how could that ever happen?
HAGRID: I jus’ don’t know. *Totally forgets the fact that he lives at a school of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY.*
HARRY: Hmmm…I don’t know what, but Grawp seems to be missing something!
HAGRID: I know! Grawp used to use everyday things as toothpicks! I’ll stick my umbrella in his teeth. *Sticks his umbrella with magical properties in the snowman’s snow teeth*
UMBRELLA: *Glows*
SNOWMAN: *Jolts*
HAGRID: *Falls off the snowman* Wheeee!
SNOWMAN: *Comes to life*
HARRY: Woot! He’s alive!
HAGRID: Neat!
RON: This incident has inspired me to write a song!
“Grawpy the Snowman was a jolly happy soul!
With an umbrella and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal…”
HAGRID: Oh no! He’s moving!
SNOWMAN: *Stomps off, stomping several innocent flobberworms in its path*
HARRY: Oh no! We’ve gotta follow it!
RON: “Dooown to the village,
With umbrella in his teeth
Stomping flobberworms and unicorns
And the piles ‘o snow beneath…”
HAGRID: He’s heading towards Hogsmeade!
HARRY: We’ve gotta stop him!
HAGRID: But how! We’re just a dimwitted half-giant and a pair of idiot teenagers!
HARRY: I know! We have to get some expert help.
*CUT TO: The Gryffindor common room. HERMIONE is reading a book.*
HARRY: *Bursts into the common room* Hermionehermionehermionehermionehermionehermioneeee! *Crying*
HERMIONE: It’s okay, it’s okay…just tell me what’s wrong.
HARRY: Well, Hagrid, Ron and I? *Sniffle* We were…we were making a snowman? And it sort of…sort of…*Hiccup*…came to life.
HERMIONE: …I see.
HARRY: Can you help us?
HERMIONE: Yeah, I suppose I’ll have to. Where’s the snowman?
HARRY: About to destroy Hogsmeade.
HERMIONE: Great.
*CUT TO: RON and HAGRID chasing after the SNOWMAN. RON has a guitar and is stringing some notes, trying to come up with some more words.*
RON: “Stompetty stomp stomp
Stompetty stomp stomp
Look at Grawpy go…
Stompetty stomp stomp
Stompetty stomp stomp
Kicking up mounds of snow…”
HAGRID: Oh no! He’s heading straight towards the bar where I drown my endless sorrows in gallons of butterbeer!
RON: You mean The Three Broomsticks?
HAGRID: No, “Plenty ‘o Sorrows Bar for Misfit Creatures”. It’s not in the books because of it’s PG-13 rating.
RON: …
*ENTER: HARRY and HERMIONE, running up*
HARRY: I got Hermione! *Beams proudly*
RON: Good job Harry! *Gives HARRY a cookie*
HERMIONE: Hagrid! Did anything make Grawpy like, weak and defenseless?
HAGRID: Yeah “ if you poured Polyjuice Potion on him, he would inexplicably melt for a couple of hours.
HERMIONE: Ooookay. That’s perfect.
RON: But Polyjuice takes months to make and we need it NOW!
HARRY: *Pulls out a flask of Polyjuice potion* Here’s some.
HERMIONE: Harry, where did you get that?
HARRY: I’m the hero. I get anything. *Pulls out a small Yorkshire Terrier and pets it lovingly*
HERMIONE: …
RON: *Takes the Polyjuice Potion and throws it on the SNOWMAN. It hits him in the face and he starts to melt*
SNOWMAN: Nooooooooooooo! What a world, what a world……
RON: “Graawpy the Snowman
Was a’ melting down away,
And he yelled “I will smoosh all of you
If I ever come back one day!”
HARRY: He’s DEAD!!! YAY!
HERMIONE: YAY!
RON: YAY!
HAGRID: *Sobs uncontrollably*
SNOWMAN: *Melts down into a giant snow blob*
SNOW BLOB: *Turns into a giant snow avalanche*
SNOW AVALANCHE: *Heads towards the little innocent town of Hogsmeade*
HERMIONE: CRAP!
RON: DANGIT!
HAGRID: *CUSSES!*
HARRY: COOOL!
HERMIONE: How are we gonna stop it??
HAGRID: I know! I’ll sacrifice myself to save the town!
RON: How?
HAGRID: By throwing myself in front of the avalanche and making a wall to stop it.
HARRY: But won’t you die from the cold?
HAGRID: Probably.
HERMIONE: Oh well. *She and RON and HARRY push HAGRID in front of the SNOW AVALANCHE*
HAGRID: AAAAH! *All of the snow stops suddenly, pushing up against him and burying him.
HARRY: Hagrid! Are you alive?
HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…..
HERMIONE: Are you hurt?
HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…..
RON: Did you find the Weasley sweaters I buried around that area?
HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…
RON: Shucks. I thought I’d finally gotten rid of them that time.
HAGRID: *Stands up, covered in Weasley sweaters*
HERMIONE: Hey! All of those sweaters saved your life!
RON: Wow. They actually came in handy.
HARRY: Come on Hagrid, we’ve gotta get you inside.
NARRATOR: And so, the story had a happy ending. Hagrid was able to stop missing Grawp, the giant Snow Avalanche became a giant tourist attraction and brought loads of business to Hogsmeade, the Weasley sweaters were made into a quilt for children at an orphanage, and Ron became a multimillionaire with the song he had written. Harry and Hermione did absolutely nothing.