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RON: Whoever wrote this book must have a lot of spare time on their hands.
HARRY: I’ll read the next one. *Takes the book* This story is called…
NARRATOR:
Had a very shiny nose……
We begin our story in the Forbidden Forest near Hogwarts.
*ENTER: Two Hippogriffs, a MOM and a DAD, and their newly born son named BUSTER*
NARRATOR: Hippogriffian is a very hard language to learn. Fortunately, since this is a fictional story, the reader can instantly understand any and all magical creatures!
MOM: Aw, isn’t he adorable?
DAD: Yep, he sure is! He’s got my eyes.
BUSTER: *Cute little squeak*!
MOM and DAD: Awwwwwww…
BUSTER: *Tries to frolic about, but is not used to walking and falls on his buttocks*
BUSTER’S BEAK: *Glows blue*
NARRATOR:
you would even say it glows...
MOM: Wha-…what’s with his nose?
DAD: There’s something horribly wrong with him!
MOM: What should we do with him? Should we be responsible and caring parents and love and nurture Buster, for he will surely have a difficult life with this abnormal nose condition of his.
DAD: Or we could kick him out and keep our dignity.
NARRATOR: And so…
BUSTER: *Is thrown out of the cave and into the snow*
DAD: And never come back, you freak!
NARRATOR:
They never let poor Buster join in any flying games.
Buster wandered through the snow, alone and hurt. He felt bereaved, bitter, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, heartbroken, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, troubled, upset, wistful, and even woebegone. He came upon a strange hut, and even though hippogriffs usually stay away from humans, he smelled food in this house. He was a hungry hungry hippo…griff.
BUSTER: *Scratches on door*
HAGRID: *Opens the door and sees BUSTER* Why, what’s this? It’s a little hippogriff! All alone and cold…Aww, come on in, you little cutie pie.
BUSTER: *Squeals with joy*
TIME: *Passes. It is years later, and Buster is now a healthy young hippogriff*
NARRATOR: Buster’s beak would still occasionally turn blue, but because of Hagrid’s love and not caring how someone looks (which was obvious, considering how he dressed), he learned to not let the teasing get to him.
HAGRID: *Opening door for BUSTER* You gonna go play in the Forbidden Forest?
BUSTER: *Nod*
HAGRID: Alright, but be careful. Don’t want to get attacked by anyone in weird cloaks drinking unicorn blood.
BUSTER: *Goes out to find his forest friends* Hi guys!
*ENTER: ARTIE, a freakishly large spider, and UNO, a unicorn.*
ARTIE: Hi Bussssster…
UNO: What’s up?
BUSTER: Just came to play. What’s happening today in the forest?
ARTIE: Ssssome of the flying creaturessss in the foresssst are having a flying contessssst.
BUSTER: Cool! I could be in that!
UNO: Let’s go!
*CUT TO: Flying contest in the forest*
*ENTER: BUSTER, UNO and ARTIE. DARIUS, a dragon, spots them as they come*
DARIUS: *To BUSTER* Hey! YOU can’t be here!
BUSTER: Why not? I can fly…
DARIUS: Well, WE don’t have room for freaks! Just the unicorn and the abnormally large spider.
ARTIE: Sssorry Bussster!
BUSTER: It’s okay guys…*Sigh*…*Leaves solemnly*
NARRATOR: Time passes again, and it’s Christmastime, a few years later.
HAGRID: Well Buster, what do you want for Christmas this year?
BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*
ANONYMOUS OWL: *Suddenly runs into window*
HAGRID: What th-…*Opens window and gets ANONYMOUS OWL*
ANONYMOUS OWL: *Hands HAGRID a letter and flies off woozily*
HAGRID: *Opens letter* Why, it’s a letter from Dumbledore! Dear Hagrid “ I need a way to get to the Ministry of Magic tomorrow, but my broom seems to be on the fritz. Could you possibly get one of the creatures from the Forbidden Forest to help me with my flight? Sincerely, Albus. Hey! Buster! This could be yer chance! Why don’t YOU give Dumbledore a ride!
BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*
*ENTER: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE*
HARRY: Hi Hagrid, Hi Buster!
HERMIONE: What up dawg? *Pounds fist with BUSTER’s claw*
RON: So Hagrid, what are you doing this Christmas?
HAGRID: Not much “ just hangin’ out with Buster…unless he decides to help Dumbledore.
HERMIONE: Help him with what?
HAGRID: Dumbledore needs a flying creature to take him to the Ministry of Magic tomorrow. His broom is on the fritz.
HARRY: How? Brooms don’t “break”.
RON: It’s just a plot twist Harry. Whoever’s writing the story COULD put one of us into a perilous situation right at this very instant.
FLOOR UNDERNEATH RON: *Suddenly vanishes*
RON: *Falls but grabs on at the last second. Looks down and sees nothing but darkness* AAAAAAH!
HERMIONE: *Pulls Ron up* You’re SUCH a drama queen.
RON: *Has no comeback*
HAGRID: At least think about it, okay Buster?
BUSTER: *Thinks about thinking about it*
TIME: *Passes, although not that much. Only a day passes now. It’s now Christmas Eve.*
*ENTER: DUMBLEDORE*
DUMBLEDORE: *Knocks on HAGRID’s hut’s door*
HAGRID: *Opens the door*
DUMBLEDORE: *Comes in* Dumbledorz in da house!
HAGRID: *Shocked expression*
DUMBLEDORE: You don’t like? Just trying it on…
HAGRID: I uh, rounded up some creatures that can fly so you can pick whichever you’d like. *Leads Dumbledore outside*
*CUT TO: Behind HAGRID’s hut. There is a sixties-dating-game-show style setup, and two stages, blocked by a wall. There is one stool on one side. The back of the stage is painted lime green with orange and yellow hippie flowers on it*
HARRY: *Comes out in a bright orange game show host suit. He is using his wand as a microphone* WELCOME, contestant, to “CHOOSE YOUR FLIGHT!” We have three great creatures here, all with the flying capability that’ll get you to your destination! Your name please?! *Holds wand up to DUMBLEDORE*
DUMBLEDORE: *Excitedly* My name’s Albus!
HARRY: Glad to have you here Albus! Now let our lovely assistant Ms. Granger show you to your seat!
*ENTER: HERMIONE in a sparkling white dress. She leads Professor Dumbledore to the stool, does some model turns, and walks off*
HARRY: And now, let’s give it up for OUR FLYERS!
RON: *As the audience* Woo! Go flyers! *Whistles and claps*
HERMIONE: *Sits down next to RON*
RON: Hey Hermione, did you know that the word “flyers” can be spelled both “F-L-Y-E-R-S” AND “F-L-I-E-R-S”??
HERMIONE: Omigod! That is CREEPY!
*ENTER: BUSTER, DARIUS, and another dragon, KILIK*
HARRY: All right, Albus! Use the cards we gave you to ask your questions!
ALBUS: *Reads card and can understand the dragons and hippogriff because he knows everything* Con-test-tant-num-ber-one: How-fast-do-you-like-to-fly.
DARIUS: Well, I personally like to go fast “ feel the wind on my scales.
ALBUS: Con-test-tant-num-ber-two: What-do-you-en-joy-doing.
KILIK: Well, I personally enjoy watching sunsets, long walks on the beach, but most of all, giving rides to headmasters that need to get to the Ministry of Magic because that idiot Cornelius Fudge doesn’t know how to handle anything.
RON: HEAR HEAR! *Whistles*
HERMIONE: *To RON* You idiot! We want Buster to win, not one of the other two!
RON: Oh! Right! Uh…GO….NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE ANYTHING! WOO!
ALBUS: Con-test-tant-num-ber-three: What-is-most-im-por-tant-to-you.
BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*
ALBUS: I see. Indifferent shrugs.
HAGRID: *Gets nervous because of BUSTER’s introvert lifestyle*
ALBUS: I think I’m going to have to go with…Contestant Number 2!
RON: Aww man…
HERMIONE: Aww man…
HARRY: Aww man…I mean, uh…Congratulations, Contestant Number 2!
DARIUS: I rock! *Moonwalks*
NARRATOR: But all of a sudden, things turned in Buster’s favor!
DUMBLEDORE: *Looks up at sky* Wow, sure is foggy! Can you fly through that, Contestant Number 2?
DARIUS: I…I’m not sure.
HAGRID: *Gets an idea* Buster can! His beak can give off continuous light, where Darius’ flames will eventually wear him out!
DUMBLEDORE: Then I guess Buster can give me a ride!
HARRY: Huttah!
DARIUS: What the heck, Hagrid?? I thought we were friends!
HAGRID: Oh, go back to your killing of cows.
DARIUS: *Exits, angry that he missed his chance*
KILIK: *Exits, angry that he only got a minor role in the story*
NARRATOR:
Dumbledore did say...
DUMBLEDORE:
Won’t you guide my way tonight?
BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug* Sure. Why not.
DUMBLEDORE: Wicked! *Climbs on BUSTER and they take off*
NARRATOR: Buster returned and saved the day “ Fudge had accidentally pushed the self destruct button on all magical life and it was about to go off in two seconds, but thanks to Buster’s speed and good line of vision, Dumbledore made it in time to save the world.
And they shouted out with glee
“Buster the Blue-Beaked Hippogriff…
you’ll go down in his-toe-reeee!”
Like a light bulb!